9: MEADOW

"What's going on with you?"

"Nothing."

"You're lying. You haven't been to any of our usual brunches or lunches. You're always too busy to talk on the phone, and when you do, the conversations are brief and sometimes terse if you sense that I'm prying," Kaia says.

She popped up at my dance studio unannounced today. I'm surprised that she found me because lately, I've been spending less time here. It took two weeks for me to return, but I finally did. Before that, I'd been having the other instructors to cover my classes.

I had no one to do that today so I had no choice but to show up.

The staff knew what happened because it was all anyone in our little business complex could talk about for days. Besides, they needed to know what had happened since they worked here. I needed everyone on alert for safety purposes, but I still haven't told my family or Kaia.

A part of me wonders if Kaia has been conversing with my staff about me.

"What?" she asks, staring at me.

"What? I didn't say anything," I say, planting my foot up on the barre to stretch my calf muscle.

"Yes, you did. Why would I need to converse with your staff about you, Meadow?"

"Damn, did I say that aloud?"

"You most certainly did. Now, what the hell is going on?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, Meadow Janae Maxwell. We've known each other since we were knee-high to a grasshopper running around in diapers. Don't lie to me. If you can't talk to me, then I don't know what to say."

"Everything is fine," I sigh, dropping my foot from the barre where I'd been doing stretches.

"Don't make me call Onyx and ask him. Is it Onyx? Has he done something wrong?" she asks in alarm.

"No. It's not Onyx. He's fine...or at least, I guess."

"What do you mean, you guess?"

I inhale deeply and close my eyes. The tears well up inside, and I will them to go away, but they refuse to. No matter how hard it is for me to try to keep them at bay, they slip from underneath my eyelids.

After that comes an ugly, gut-wrenching sob, and I double over, wrapping my arms around myself.

"Meadow! You're scaring me. Honey, what's wrong?" Kaia asks, bending over and holding me.

It takes several moments for me to calm down before I can begin to explain. And for the first time in a long time, I tell the story about what happened to me a little over two months ago.

"Oh my God, MJ! You've been holding that inside all this time? Does Onyx know?"

I press my hands to my eyes, rubbing them in furious circles before I nod and say, "Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me? Does your family know?"

Shaking my head, I reply, "No one knows what happened except for Onyx and my staff. I made Onyx and them promise not to tell anyone, including his family."

"Did you at least report it to the police?"

"Yes, but they haven't found him."

"Even with all the details the Amy chick was able to give them?"

I look away and close my eyes. "Even with that. They think he may have skipped town."

"But you don't think so."

"No. I don't." I look away from her, pressing my lips together.

"What is it, MJ? What do you know that you're not telling me?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit! What's going on?"

My heart thunders in my chest. Kaia knows me better than anyone. In some respects, she knows me better than Onyx does, but that's only because she's known me a lot longer which has been since we were kids in the third grade.

"The man, Jesse, indicated that he'd worked for the Maxwells."

"So, it's someone that Onyx could very well know?"

Shrugging, I reply, "I don't know if he knows him, but this man has worked for their companies."

"Your husband might hold the clue to finding him, MJ. Does he know?"

I shake my head rapidly. That's the one thing that I haven't told Onyx, and I don't know why.

"No, I can't tell him that."

"Why not?"

"It was insinuated that the reason he came after me was because I was targeted as a member of Charleston's elite. He believes that anyone the rich and privileged of Charleston has wronged deserves to have retribution against them. He only came after me because it's hard to get to the rest of them. I was an easy target because of my business," I say sourly.

"You're shitting me! Why won't you tell your husband?"

"Because it's the same thing that my father told me. I don't want to admit that he's right, Kaia. Besides, it's bigger than that. Onyx is raking himself over the coals about what happened to me. He blames himself for not upgrading my security system, for not hiring armed guards to secure the premises during working hours, and he blames himself for being out of town too much.

"He says that if he'd been here when it happened, maybe the psychological scars I'm suffering from wouldn't be so deeply etched within me. He didn't arrive until a few days later, and he believes that had he been here, he could have convinced me early on to get help. He's already beating himself up over this. We don't both need to struggle with guilt. I need one of us to remain strong. He's already upset with me for not telling him right away and waiting until he returned. He doesn't need to know that I'm holding something else back."

"You've got this thing all twisted. It's not about your father being right. It's about putting this bastard behind bars where he belongs and anyone else who thinks like that. It's about getting justice for you and any other woman he may have assaulted. How can you keep this information to yourself? It's been two months, Meadow."

"And he hasn't assaulted anyone else."

"You don't know that. There may be women out there who are just as afraid as you are."

"He warned me that he would come back. Kaia, if I was a target as he claimed, he might have my home address too. Why would I take the risk?"

"If you don't speak up, there's a higher risk he'll come back and do it again, doll. At least this way, there's a higher chance of catching him and putting him behind bars. You'd be safer that way."

"No. I can't do it. I can't relive it."

"This guy has done a number on you. I get that this has been traumatic, but—"

"There are no buts! You don't get to judge me. You have no idea the hell that I've been going through, Kaia. The nightmares, the anxiety attacks, the fear...you have no idea. Talking about it only makes it worse. Continuing to pursue it will change my life from a nightmare into a living hell!"

"Calm down," Kaia says, reaching out to touch me.

I push her hands away, and while a part of me deep within says that I'm being irrational, on the surface, it doesn't feel that way.

"I'm calm, okay? I just don't need anyone telling me what to do. You've not gone through this."

"I know that, MJ. If I could trade places with you, I would. I love you, sweetheart, and I hate to see you going through this. Just tell me how I can help. I'll do anything to help you through this."

"I'm fine. I just want you to go."

"What? I can't leave you."

"Leave, Kaia!"

Kaia jumps when I yell at her. Tears spark in her eyes, and her face turns red as she nods.

"Is that what you really want, MJ?"

"Go," I say, turning my back on her with a resolute tone in my voice.

"Fine. Have it your way. But when you need me, I'll be here," she says, gripping my shoulder.

I stiffen under her touch, and she drops her hand. I don't turn around until I hear the door click softly behind me.

Only then do I drop the icy fa?ade I've adapted and let the tears fall. My body shakes and trembles with the rage of holding onto this weight.

I've been living with this fear for far too long, and it's destroying those that I love. But I can't make it go away, and trying to explain it to anyone sounds silly.

***

"Hey," his voice is a soft whisper in the dark.

I turn in bed and face him. Onyx has been sleeping in the guest room so I'm surprised to find him here tonight.

"I thought you might still be awake. I didn't want to alarm you."

Stretching, I reply, "I was asleep, but something woke me up a few minutes ago."

"Probably me coming out of the shower. There's a clog in the guest bathroom that I need to clear. I didn't feel like messing with it tonight, and I hate using the hall bathroom so I came in here."

"You don't have to use that bathroom. And you don't have to sleep in the guest room, Onyx."

"I know. I just hate arguing with you all the time," he says.

He's lying on his side of the bed facing me, and I mentally trace the handsome features of his face; the regal nose with the bearing of a prince, those full, pillow-soft lips, the high cheekbones that look as if they were carved on his face, and those bedroom eyes fringed by long lashes.

I reach out to touch him because I can't help myself. It's the first time in a long while since I have. Onyx burrows into my touch as though he is starving for it.

Tentatively, I lean forward and press my lips to his. He doesn't move but remains still as if waiting for my next move. I keep my eyes closed and remain still until the fire, the desire, and the need burn me up.

Slowly, I begin kissing him. Onyx opens his mouth to me. His tongue is warm and smooth with the faint taste of alcohol.

I feel his hunger, but I know that he's hesitant to take me. With the way that I've pushed him away lately, he's not certain what to expect from me.

Pulling my nightgown up and over my head, I tell my husband, "I need you tonight."

"Tonight only?" he asks.

I'm afraid that if I answer him, he'll turn me away, so I don't. I only say, "Please."

"I feel like you're using me, MJ."

My eyes narrow. "Don't talk. Just...please."

Onyx rolls me from my side and onto my back, spreading my legs with ease as he shifts into place over me. He spends long minutes kissing me, and when he finally takes me, he does so with ease, gratitude, and humility.

I wrap my legs around him, accepting him into my body but not into my heart and soul. I've erected barriers against my husband partially because I want to protect him from this darkness growing inside of me and partially because I blame him.

This is my goodbye because deep within, I know that I cannot stay. I have to leave Onyx if I'm to find peace of mind and myself again.

I don't know when or how, but I sense it coming.