TWENTY-FIVE NADIA

T WENTY -F IVE

N ADIA

As much as Nadia didn't want to admit it, she and the girls had found a routine that worked for them. What she didn't like to admit was that her now nine-year-old was taking on more of a role in the house than Nadia wanted her to have. Now that a year had passed, she worked hard to make the upcoming months better. Nadia got up with her alarm at 5:00 a.m., turned on the TV in her room, and started the yoga program she'd found online. According to the schedule she'd made for herself, she'd do yoga for fifteen minutes, meditate for ten, and then hop into the shower. The goal was to be downstairs by six to make lunches and then get the girls up and ready.

Their nighttime routine had also changed. After showering, the girls picked out two outfits for the next morning, which gave them an option in case they changed their minds in the morning. Doing so created less hassle and gave Lynnea more freedom. She still came downstairs every now and again in an old Halloween costume or one of those princess dresses she had. On those days, Nadia smiled, kissed her daughter, and went about her morning. The fight wasn't worth it, and if dressing as a princess made Lynnea happy, then so be it. Gemma was just like Nadia and rarely changed her mind, which was a relief.

Nadia had long given up on making breakfast and had resorted to cereal. When she'd made that change, she'd cried for days and felt like a failure of a mother. Life had been easier with Rafe. Besides the obvious fact of having her husband, he'd made every day a breeze. His calm and collective approach to the day balanced Nadia's frantic hair-pulling anxiety, which was self-induced. She overthought everything and hated to be late, which often translated into feeling like she was always running behind. The girls never seemed to be on her kind of schedule, but they were slowly getting there. The three of them were working together to find a happy medium to get them through the absence of Rafe.

Springtime in Boston had always been Nadia's favorite time of the year, apart from Christmas, which had always seemed too magical until Rafe's passing. She hadn't done any of their normal outings, from taking the girls to see The Nutcracker to ice-skating at Frog Pond. When the email arrived to reserve her seats for the Holiday Pops, she deleted it without even opening it.

Now that spring was in full bloom, she'd taken the girls to the New England Aquarium to see the African penguins, the California sea lions, and the giant Pacific octopus, which happened to be Lynnea's favorite. Gemma's go-to animal was the southern rockhopper penguin. She liked them because of the way the feathers on their heads stood up and the yellow streaks made them look like rock stars.

Rafe had preferred the Atlantic harbor seals because they could visit them whenever they were downtown and do so without having to go inside the aquarium. They were now Nadia's favorite as well.

Nadia stood in the front yard, with the lawn mower in front of her. She eyed it warily and contemplated going inside to get Reuben. He lived in her basement, but his job kept him busy. She appreciated having him in the house at night, but other than that and paying rent, he wasn't able to help out. Then there was Kiran. Nadia could call him, but she needed to figure things out on her own.

Now she regretted wanting to be independent. Nadia needed to be skillful, but she didn't want to be. In her mind, she replayed the visions she had of Rafe, and the many times they'd done yard work together. Her in the flower beds, weeding and planting, while he mowed, edged, and raked. They were an efficient team on Saturday mornings.

As vivid as her memory of her husband was, she hadn't a clue about how to start the lawn mower. She pulled her phone out and, while tempted to call her dad or Kiran, she opened an app and looked up the make and model of her mower and asked the search engine for videos. After a tutorial, things seemed simple enough.

The front door opened, and the girls stepped out onto the porch. Gemma held two glasses of lemonade in her hand. She set one on the railing and then sat in the white rocking chair. Lynnea copied her sister while holding her own glass of lemonade.

"What are you girls doing?"

"We brought you a drink," Gemma said as she motioned toward the glass.

"I appreciate you both," she told her daughters.

"Do you want us to weed like you used to do with Daddy?" Gemma asked, while Lynnea sighed heavily. Weeding was the last thing Lynnea would want to do. Nadia knew this. Planting was her specialty. Lynnea loved putting the perennial seeds or bulbs in the ground, then watering and watching them grow. Or helping Nadia pick out the annual flowers and moving them from the garden tray into the hole she'd dug.

Nadia nodded. It wasn't that she needed the help, but she wanted the girls to feel like they were contributing. "Stay there," she said as she left the front yard and walked to the garden shed in the back. She rummaged through her tools, soon returning with a bucket filled with shovels, trowels, and a rake. Along with the gloves she'd bought the girls last year.

She set the bucket on the step, and Gemma came forward, bringing Nadia's drink with her. Nadia sipped greedily and gave her daughter a soft smile.

"Lynnea, when we're done here, we'll go to the store and buy the flowers. Okay?"

Lynnea beamed and nodded. "Can I dig the holes?"

"Of course. We can get done a lot faster if you help Gemma."

"With what?"

"When she pulls a weed, if you could stick it in the bucket—that way, when she's done weeding and I'm done mowing, we can head to the store."

"Okay, Mommy." Lynnea came down the steps and picked up her pair of blue gardening gloves. They matched Rafe's, while Gemma's and Nadia's were pink.

The three of them set out to make their front yard look the way it had last spring. After rewatching the tutorial on how to start the mower, she managed to get it going on the second pull. The girls cheered, making Nadia feel like she'd finally succeeded at something good in the past year. She supposed surviving was an achievement unto itself.

As she mowed the yard, she took notice of the other things that needed to be done. The white picket fence needed a new paint job, and there was a loose brick in their walkway. One of the clapboards had warped on the house and would need to be replaced. And the house needed to be painted. The fence and walkway she could manage. The rest, she'd have to hire someone for, and that would cost money. Money she didn't have.

Nadia finished the front yard and made the girls move to the back while she mowed there. The section of yard Rafe had removed at first thaw last year for a swing set had finally filled in with grass. The girls had never asked about the swing set, which sat in boxes under the awning of their garden shed. Nadia could sell it, or maybe Kiran could bring some coworkers over to put it together for the girls.

She'd ask her dad about the swing set: whether they should put it up or sell it. In hindsight, she wondered how much Gemma would use it and how long Lynnea would be interested in it. It seemed like a massive undertaking for one or two years of entertainment.

Nadia watched the girls. Gemma used the foam kneepad to kneel on as she thrust her trowel under the weeds. Lynnea lay on the grass, staring up at the sky. Nadia followed her gaze. Clouds moved above them, creating shadows and optical illusions. If she lost focus, it started to look like the sky was shifting overhead.

Instead of restarting the mower, she went over to Gemma, tapped her on the shoulder, and motioned her to follow. Nadia lay next to Lynnea, while Gemma lay on her other side. They held hands.

"Do you think Daddy can see us?" Gemma asked.

"He can," Lynnea said. "He's always watching. Right, Mommy?"

She believed he was. "He is."

They stayed there, staring at the clouds, pointing out what they thought the shapes looked like, and laughing. It was the laughter that warmed Nadia's heart, that told her they were going to be okay. They'd never get back to the time when Rafe was in their lives, but they'd find a medium—happy or otherwise—that would help them move on.

They lost track of time, until Lynnea's tummy rumbled. They laughed and finally got up. Gemma pointed out the impressions their bodies had made in the ground.

"You can't mow us!" She placed her hands on her cheeks and dropped her mouth open, making an O.

"Let's go get some lunch," Nadia said. "I think nuggies are in order."

The girls jumped up and down, cheering.

They ran inside, bumping into Reuben.

"Hey, where's the fire?" he asked as he caught Lynnea in his arms.

"We're going to get nuggies!" she said in jubilation.

"Do you want to come with us?" Nadia asked.

"Nah, you ladies go. I'm going to finish the backyard." He set Lynnea down, hugged Gemma, and then went to his sister. "I told you I'd mow."

"I know, but it's something I needed to do today."

Reuben nodded as if he understood. "Make a honey-do list," he told her. "We'll tackle projects together. First thing: clean the refrigerator."

Nadia's eyes went wide. "What? Why?" She sidestepped and went to the refrigerator, tugging on the door. When it opened, she gasped. "Lynnea," she muttered under her breath.

"That's my guess, but I didn't want to accuse either of them or ask them."

"I'll clean it when I get back," she told Reuben. "I promised them nuggets; besides, they didn't mean it. They were trying to be helpful and brought me lemonade, Reuben. You should've seen them, coming out onto the porch like they were the parents and I was the teenager doing Saturday chores. I can't be mad at them."

"Nope, but we can teach them some responsibility."

Laughter erupted from her. Being the only boy in the family, Reuben had gotten away with everything. One "Mom" from him, and Sienna and Nadia were in trouble, even when they hadn't done anything to warrant it. She patted her brother on his shoulder. "You're hilarious. Leave the mess—we'll clean it when we get back."

She found the girls waiting for her on the front porch. After getting them situated in the car, they drove to the nearest McDonald's. As much as she hated going in, she parked, and they made their way inside. After they ordered, Gemma led them to a booth.

"I miss the playground," Gemma said with a sigh.

Nadia didn't. It was a mecca of germs, filth, and who knew what. Parents had rejoiced when the establishment changed its branding, remodeled, and removed the PlayPlace.

After lunch, they went to the gardening store, and the girls picked out a wide color array of annuals. Nadia gravitated toward purples, while Lynnea opted for yellows, and Gemma went with blues. Nadia didn't care if there was any cohesiveness to her flower beds this season, because knowing the girls had done all the work would make them the most beautiful ever.

"Can we buy a birdbath?" Gemma asked as they walked around the store.

"Birds don't take baths, you silly goose," Lynnea said, laughing.

"Uh-huh, don't they, Mommy?"

"They do." Nadia directed their cart toward the section with birdbaths. They came in all shapes, sizes, and materials. Some were ornate. Some had houses attached to them. Others were a basic oval tub with a pedestal base made of plastic.

"Which color do you like?" Nadia asked the girls. Giving them each a choice was never the best option. They would undoubtedly pick two different colors.

"I like the white one," Lynnea said.

"Me too," Gemma added, shocking Nadia. She stared at them. "White will look good with all the flowers we bought."

Who was Nadia to argue with that logic? She set the top of the birdbath under the cart and then placed the pedestal in the front, where she had her purse. Both girls held on to the cart while Nadia navigated to the next aisle over to get more birdseed. Ever since she'd put in the feeder last year, she'd grown fond of having birds around.

At the checkout, they saw two metal crates stacked on top of each other, each holding a cat. Nadia groaned as soon as the girls saw the friendly felines.

"Can we get a cat?" Gemma asked, already crouched low with her fingers pushing through the slats to pet the animal.

"Not right now." She hadn't said no because that often led to a tantrum, and their day had been going really well. She didn't want to hear how she was mean or how Daddy would've let them get one if he were there. The girls would never know how hurtful their words were sometimes.

Nadia did her best to ignore the girls, who continued to ask and to tell both cats that they were going to love them forever. She smiled at the clerk when she took her receipt and then told the girls to say goodbye.

They moped on the way to the car, and then chattered about how they couldn't wait to get a cat. Or cats, being as each girl wanted her own. All Nadia could think about was the money a pet would cost them, and how a cat would chase her birds away. The latter couldn't happen. She looked forward to seeing the cardinal every other morning, if not every morning. That cardinal was why she'd agreed to buy a birdbath. She would do whatever she could to keep the bird coming back to her home. Nadia needed to believe the cardinal was a gift from Rafe.

A sign that everything was going to be okay.