TWENTY-ONE NADIA

T WENTY -O NE

N ADIA

The holidays were anything but special. Nadia had struggled emotionally, as had the girls. Gone was the magic Rafe had brought to the morning. They missed him more than they thought they would. The magnitude of her situation weighed heavily on her.

When Nadia had stared at her bank statement and saw the number in her savings account dip lower, she worried. Christmas wasn't easy on one income, and she didn't think it would be fair to Gemma and Lynnea if she had to scale things back. At least not their first one without their father. She was grateful that someone, she assumed the city or the hospital, had covered all Rafe's medical expenses and she didn't have to contend with those bills. There were others, though. The mortgage, which they'd both contributed to. Health insurance, previously obtained through Rafe's employer, was now Nadia's responsibility. What she had through the school district didn't have their old low fees and deductible plan. Still, she was grateful to have coverage.

As she looked at the numbers, she figured since she had the summers off, she'd get a waitressing job downtown. When tourist season was in full swing, the bars and restaurants were so busy that locals rarely went to any of them. She could easily supplement her income. None of that would work, though. Anything she made would go to a babysitter, leaving her back where she was.

Her luck changed when her brother called one rainy afternoon in late February.

"I got a job offer in Boston," he told her.

"That's fantastic." Over Christmas, he'd mentioned switching jobs but hadn't said where. Having him so close would be a relief and a gift. Living away from her family, especially during such a tumultuous time, had been hard. Her mother had stayed with her for some time, and her dad had made numerous trips up north to help around the house and maintain the yard until Kiran took over. Having her brother close would mean she'd have someone, other than Hazel and Kiran, to depend on. And the girls loved their uncle. He'd be able to help out with them whenever she needed.

"I'm going to need a place to stay," he said.

"I can definitely help you look."

Reuben cleared his throat. "What about if I live with you and the girls?" he suggested. "We can convert a space in the basement into a room. There's already a bathroom down there. Dad can help me extend it into a shower. This will give you a man in the house, not that you need a man living there. But also, I'll pay rent. I'd rather live with you and the girls than in some apartment where I'm lonely, and I expect to spend most of my free time at your place anyway. You'd be saving me gas money."

It took Nadia all of three seconds to agree. Now, when she looked at her bank account, there'd be a bit of a cushion, thanks to her brother.

Currently, Warren, Reuben, and Kiran were hard at work in the basement, and her mom fluttered around in the kitchen, making copious amounts of food to freeze later. Lorraine had been concerned Nadia wasn't eating well enough when she saw her at Christmas. She'd commented on how much weight she'd lost, which Nadia had explained away by the pain she felt from losing her husband. She vowed to get better. If not for herself, for her girls. They needed their mother to be strong and healthy.

It was something the therapist had said. Nadia needed to find a way to move on, to start living her life again. For the most part, life had moved on. Nadia and the girls got up every morning, dressed, and went about their day. In her mind, she could almost pretend Rafe was temporarily gone—on a business trip, out with Kiran, or visiting his parents. That was until Kiran came over. When he was there, they smiled and laughed. He brought that out in them, and she truly appreciated having him around. It was when she put her head on her pillow at night and stared at the space Rafe should've been in that her heart broke all over again.

Nadia stared out the window. After Rafe's death, they'd kept the blinds closed. One of her New Year's resolutions was to keep them open to welcome light and nature back into their home, even when it was gray and rainy outside. She wanted to watch the seasons change, see their daffodils and tulips bloom, and witness the transformation from winter dullness to vibrant spring.

The guys came upstairs for lunch. Nadia smiled when she saw Kiran. It was as if the response was automatic. After everyone made chitchat and ate, Nadia started cleaning up.

"I saw that," Lorraine said as she carried plates to the sink.

"Saw what?"

"The way you looked at Kiran."

"What are you talking about?"

Lorraine stood next to Nadia. She shut the water off, forcing her daughter to look at her. "Gemma says Kiran is here a lot."

Nadia sighed. "He comes over on Saturday, does the outside chores, and makes sure everything still functions properly. In exchange, I feed him."

"And on Sunday?"

Nadia stared out the window. "He's Rafe's best friend, Mom. Nothing more." Except when her therapist had brought up moving on, Nadia had refused to even entertain the idea. The notion seemed so far out in left field for her. Until she closed her eyes at night and saw Kiran there.

"It's okay if he's more, Nadia. You're young and you have young children. No one expects you not to move on or remarry. Rafe would want that."

"Would he?" she asked, looking at her mom. "Would he want his best friend marrying his wife?"

"I think he would. If I know anything about my son-in-law, it's this—he would want you to move on with someone he trusted—and he trusted Kiran. He's been a part of your life since the day you met Rafe. He's known the girls their entire lives, and he's never done anything to cause you to mistrust him. Give yourself a chance to be happy again, Nadia."

On the morning of the one-year anniversary, Nadia, the girls, and their extended family woke to a cloudy day, with the sun doing its best to brighten everyone's moods. No one seemed talkative as they sat around the dining room table, sipping their coffee and eating their breakfast. An occasional noise came from Warren, Reuben, or Adam as they rustled their section of the newspaper. Warren was old fashioned. He wanted his news in print and not on his phone.

One by one, they showered and dressed. Nadia went last yet needed the most time. Lately, she'd been strong; she hadn't cried in months. But when she woke this morning, the enormity of the day weighed heavily upon her. Everything about the year before was fresh in her mind, from the way they woke up that morning, to what she and the girls wore, to the last time she saw Rafe alive.

Today, Nadia would come face to face with her mother-in-law again, a woman she hadn't seen in four months. They hadn't even spoken. Otto was around a lot, though, especially when Warren wasn't in town. She suspected her father kept in touch with her father-in-law, or was he now her former one? Nadia had no idea what the rules were there. But Cleo had kept her distance. Nadia had a hard time explaining Cleo's actions. It was one thing to push Nadia away, but not the girls. They needed their grandmother, that connection to the father they'd lost. Cleo had her reasonings, and as much as she didn't want to, Nadia respected them. Just not the way she treated Gemma and Lynnea. At the end of the day, they were still Rafe's children. His blood flowed through them.

When they opened the front door, Kiran was poised to knock. Something he'd stopped doing unless Nadia's parents were in town. "Hey," he said to the family while staring at Nadia. He held his arm for her to take. "I'd like to escort you to the ceremony."

"Thank you."

Kiran walked her to the SUV her father had rented. It was a sleek, black, oversize monster with tinted windows to give her and the girls privacy. For the most part, the local media left her alone. But with the anniversary of the Commonwealth Cup, now known as the Rafe Karlsson Memorial Cup, the media had begun asking Nadia for interviews. She declined each one, having nothing to say. Kiran opened the back door for her and helped the girls in, then shut it behind Gemma. For a brief moment, he conversed with Warren, and then he got in to drive.

Last year, when Nadia had dropped Rafe off for the race, maybe two or three police cars were there. This morning, she lost count after ten. When Kiran held her hand as she exited the back seat, she saw the police were needed for crowd control.

"Why do they need to be here?" The question was rhetorical.

"People like to pay their respects," Kiran said. "The race has tripled in size. The money earned will go to a new playground."

"That'll be nice for the area."

Kiran agreed. "They're going to name it after Rafe."

"Of course they are."

How were they supposed to move on? While she appreciated the sentiment, it was too soon. As it was, Nadia avoided Harvard Square because of the reminders. Now she'd never be able to come to town to shop or enjoy any of the cafés.

Tia, a representative from the race committee, greeted Nadia. She'd spoken to Tia a few times about their opening ceremony. It wasn't something Nadia wanted to do, but she also didn't want Rafe's name all over television and in the news along with mentions of how his family didn't show up.

"Good morning," Tia said. She and Nadia shook hands, and then Tia introduced herself to the rest of the family. She showed Nadia where she wanted her to sit, which was front and center, with cameras pointing at her.

Before her was a photo of Rafe. The sight of him, smiling and happy, caused her breath to hitch. There wasn't a word for how she felt when it came to missing him. Gemma and Lynnea sat next to her, with her parents next to the girls. Two seats remained at the end for Otto and Cleo, although she had no idea if they'd show up. She hoped so.

Reuben, Sienna, Adam, and their boys sat behind Nadia. As did Kiran, who planned to honor Rafe the only way he knew how, by running. Nadia hoped Kiran realized he honored Rafe every day when he showed for his family.

Minutes before the ceremony started, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked to find Otto there. She stood and hugged him, and then she saw Cleo. Nadia hated that she hesitated for even the slightest moment. She held her arms out and hugged her mother-in-law, and then smiled as the girls leaped to their feet to greet their grandmother. Nadia's heart soared when her parents moved down two seats and allowed Cleo and Otto to sit next to the girls. If it took this somber moment for them to come together as a family, so be it.

After speeches from the director of the race and the mayor, Nadia went onto the makeshift stage to accept the key to the city on behalf of Rafe. What the hell was she supposed to do with it? She then declared the road race open. It was like an instant flood of people took to the street to watch their friends and family run, while the racers boarded busses to take them to the starting line.

Kiran helped her off the stage. "Meet me at the finish line?"

"Are you going to run in a suit?" she asked him, eyeing his clothes.

He laughed. "No, I have a bag in the SUV. I'm going to change."

She nodded. They were close. Nadia was certain Kiran wanted to be more than a friend, or someone she depended on, but she was nowhere near ready for anything, with anyone. She knew Kiran wasn't dating anyone, despite women trying to get his attention. He went to work daily, texted her in the morning and afternoon, called after dinner, and spent sunup to sundown at her house on the weekends. He was there for them, and she appreciated him more than ever.

"We'll be there," she said as she reached out and touched his arm. "Rafe intended to win last year, so ..." Nadia shuddered. "Make him proud."

"I'll see you at the finish line," he told her. "I'll be the first one crossing."

Nadia had no doubt.