EIGHTEEN NADIA

E IGHTEEN

N ADIA

Halloween was Rafe's thing. He'd loved dressing up with the girls, taking them trick-or-treating, and being the neighborly face everyone on their block loved seeing. It never failed: he would end up with more than his own kids as they walked the sidewalks of their neighborhood, and he never cared. Nadia used to go with him and the girls when Lynnea was still in a stroller, but once she was determined to walk, climb stairs too high for her little legs, and carry her own heavy bag of candy, Nadia stayed home and handed out candy to the kids who came to their door.

Once the first of October was upon them, Rafe would decorate the house, adding orange and purple lights to the eaves and around the columns and spindles on their wide farmer's porch, and he'd always put up fake cobwebs, even though Nadia hated them. Without fail, insects thought they had a new home, and by November 1, she was ready to use a blowtorch to get the webs down. Rafe would spend hours, if not days, making fake corpses who would sit in the two rocking chairs on their porch. The year he added the spooky-sounding doormat almost did her in.

Rafe's favorite holiday, aside from Christmas, was a week away, and Nadia hadn't bought the girls costumes. She hadn't even bought candy to hand out. Nor had she put up a single decoration. As she looked around her at her neighbors' houses, she realized how much she missed the decorations.

The girls piled into the car. Once everyone was buckled in, Nadia drove them to the strip mall where the Halloween pop-up store was. This was part of the therapy Nadia had been going to once a week. Her therapist wanted her to start living the life she and the girls were accustomed to. Something more than being at school.

Inside the store, Nadia pushed a cart and told the girls they needed to hold on to the side. In her head, she begged them not to let go. She feared one of them would run off and she wouldn't be able to find them, which would trigger a panic attack. When she sat in therapy, she tried to convince herself her fear was irrational and that living in fear wasn't the way to live. It was easy to say those things aloud, but to actually shut your mind off to the notion was near impossible.

It took almost two hours, but the girls finally picked costumes. They tried to convince their mom to dress up, but she wasn't going out with them. Kiran would take the girls trick-or-treating, and he would dress up with them, just as Rafe had. This was Kiran's idea, and Nadia couldn't be more grateful for him.

On the way home, the girls persuaded their mom that they definitely needed chicken nuggies to finish out their day. She compromised and went to the drive-through and told them they had to wait until they got home to eat. She didn't want to find nuggets in the back seat or have the greasy odor stay in her car.

When they turned onto their street, Nadia slowed and took in the decorations, mindful of the people outside. Their neighborhood really went all out for the holidays, which drew hundreds to their area from October through December.

"Mommy, look!"

Nadia saw and stopped her car in the middle of the road. "What the ...," she said. Her neighbors were outside her home, putting up decorations. The front door was open, and people carried boxes out, while Kiran stood on the porch pointing in every direction. Nadia pulled into the driveway, and before she could shut her car off, the girls had unbuckled and were out of their seats.

Gemma and Lynnea ran right to Kiran. He crouched down and scooped them into his arms. Nadia's heart skipped a beat. Rafe had done this countless times with them. She got out of her car and walked toward him.

"What's going on?" she asked despite the obvious.

Kiran held the girls on his hips. "We're decorating for Christmas?"

"Wise guy," Nadia mumbled. "Did you break in?"

Kiran laughed and set the girls down. "I called Hazel."

"You called Hazel?"

He nodded. "I noticed the lack of decorations and figured I needed to do something about it."

Ever since the first day of school, Kiran had come over at least once a week, mostly on Saturdays, to help out around the house and in the yard. Two weeks ago, she'd invited him to stay for dinner. That was a big step for her to take. It would be the first time they'd had dinner with him without Rafe, and she was afraid she'd send the wrong message to the girls. And even herself. Last weekend, he'd stayed for dinner again, then stayed to share a glass of wine with Nadia. It was the first time she'd felt like life could be okay, eventually.

"Once I started pulling out boxes, they came over to help."

Nadia looked around at the twenty or so people in her yard. They waved and smiled at the faces of people she usually talked to often but hadn't spoken to in months.

"Thank you," she said as she placed her hand over her heart. Tears welled in the back of her eyes. She fought them off, telling herself she could cry later, in the shower, where no one would have to see her, and no one could hear her.

"There isn't anything I wouldn't do to help you and the girls, Nadia. I think you know this by now." Kiran reached out and gave her hand a squeeze.

Nadia nodded and offered him the most genuine smile she could. She told the girls to take their costumes into the house. Kiran asked her what they were going to be. Nadia grimaced and held up the bag in her hand.

"I'm sorry to say, but you're going as a hot dog."

"What kind of dog?" Kiran leaned forward and cupped his hand around his ear. "I don't think I heard you."

"Hot dog," Nadia said again. "Not H-A-W-T either. H-O-T, as in the type you eat. Like a Fenway Frank. Only you're not wearing a Red Sox uniform."

Kiran stared at her blankly.

"The girls are going as ketchup and mustard, if that makes the situation any better."

"It absolutely does not." He turned and looked at the house. "Wow, they actually hate me."

Nadia let out a laugh. It was a sound she hadn't heard in a while, and it caught her off guard. She covered her mouth and met Kiran's gaze. He smiled, grinning ear to ear.

"That was nice to hear."

"It feels strange."

"I imagine." Kiran looked behind him and then back to Nadia. "This is okay, right?"

She nodded. "The girls needed this, and I think deep down, I did as well. This was Rafe's holiday, and I know I should be the one to take the girls out—"

"Stop," he said as he held his hand up. "I've got this. I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with Ketchup and Mustard."

"I'm looking forward to seeing the three of you together."

"Ha. I bet you are." He shook his head. "A hot dog, really?"

Nadia shrugged. "There are worse things."

"Name one."

"The ass end of a donkey."

"Touché."

He reached out and touched her hand before heading back to the decorations. She stood there, with his hot dog costume still in her hand, and contemplated what to do next.

Laughing would be a good start.

She hadn't had a full-belly, side-aching laugh in a long time. It wasn't like she could buy one or make one magically appear out of thin air, but she'd try, even if it only helped her feel some semblance of normality again.

Nadia went into her house and headed straight to the kitchen. She happened to have a couple of rolls of already made sugar cookie dough waiting in her refrigerator. Without taking the girls from their duties as top decorators, she turned on the oven and sliced the dough per the faint cut lines and set the circles on her baking tray. She couldn't do much, but what she could do was bake or offer her neighbors treats.

While the first two dozen baked, Nadia gathered as many cups as possible from her party supply shelf in her pantry and put them on a tray, along with a pitcher of lemonade and liters of soda. For some reason people used soda as a crutch and had brought her copious amounts, along with food, after Rafe died. She hadn't had a use for it until now.

Carrying the tray outside, she had to maneuver around people—no, friends—when she got to the porch. "Drinks!" she hollered. "Cookies will be out in a second." Nadia turned and caught Gemma staring at her.

"You made cookies?"

Nadia nodded.

Gemma ran to her mother and gripped her in a hug. Nadia squeezed her daughter tightly. They didn't need to speak words. This was enough. When Gemma let go, she gave her mom the brightest smile Nadia had seen in months.

When all was said and done, with all the cookies gone, Kiran, Nadia, and the girls stood outside at dusk. Kiran handed Nadia the battery-operated power box that would turn on their lights. She shook her head.

"You do it."

Kiran appraised her for a moment and then looked away. "Girls?" He cleared his throat. "Are you ready?"

Gemma and Lynnea hollered "Yes!" and threw their arms up in the air. Kiran pressed the button, turning on the lights and the ghoulish animatronics Rafe loved so much. Spooky music played, and some terrifying scarecrow tried to entice children to come see him.

"He had the wickedest sense of humor," Kiran mumbled low enough for only Nadia to hear.

"He really did."

"I miss him so much, Kiran, but this"—she pointed to the house—"you really brought him back in spirit for us. Thank you."

Kiran put his arm around Nadia and kissed her temple. She froze. If he noticed, he didn't say anything or seem to care. "It was my pleasure. I'm not on cleanup duty, though. That's all you."

For the second time that day, she laughed. And she really liked how it sounded.

"Girls, shower time." The girls thanked Kiran for putting up their decorations and then ran into the house. Nadia didn't want Kiran to leave yet and motioned toward the stairs. He followed and sat down next to her. It was unseasonably warm for late October, which was a rarity, but it also meant they'd probably have freezing temps for Halloween.

"These past few weeks—"

Kiran held his hand up. "Are you going to ask me to stop coming around?"

Nadia shook her head. "No, I was going to thank you. You've really helped me come out of this funk. I miss him, Kiran. I don't know if I'll ever stop, but with you around, the girls are laughing, and they smile. I smile. You're good for us."

"There really isn't anywhere I'd rather be. I look forward to Saturdays."

She smiled again. "You like doing chores."

"I like spending time with you. If it means I get to do chores, then yes."

"Would you like to have dinner with us on Sundays as well?"

"I'd like that very much, Nadia."

Nadia had no idea what to do next. She wanted him to know she liked having him around, more than she probably should. She slid a little closer to him, until their bodies touched, and she didn't dare look at him out of fear he might see something in her that she wasn't ready to admit.

When she heard Gemma call her name, she turned toward the house. "I should go. Unless you'd like to wait for a glass of wine or something."

"Or something," he said. "I'll be waiting, Nadia."