Chapter Thirty-Four

Six months later…

"I have someone who wishes to see you, my lady," Edna said with a smile, opening the door to Alyce's solar and laughing as Henry pushed past her skirts and burst into the room.

Alyce turned her chair and held out her arms to the little boy as he ran on steady legs around the desk and into her arms. He had grown so much in the six months since becoming her ward. The chubby little toddler who was constantly falling on his butt had turned into a little boy who ran everywhere.

"Mama!" he said, throwing himself into her arms. Alyce's eyes started to burn again as a smile crossed her face. Henry had started calling her Mama in only the past fortnight, but each time he did, her heart swelled with joy.

She hugged the boy against her chest. "What have you been doing today, pet?"

"Horsies!" he said brightly. "Berned let me ride on a horsey."

"Bern- ard ," she said, emphasizing the last syllable of the stablemaster's name, "is very kind to show you how to ride. And you are very brave."

Henry nodded then pushed out of her arms to run from the room, Edna fast on his heels.

"I tell Giffin now," he called over his shoulder as he disappeared through the doorway of the solar.

It still amazed her that this little boy who'd brought her so much pain just a year ago brought her so much happiness now. How ironic that the product of her husband's infidelity was the person she now loved most in the world. When she had to make difficult decisions, or when she felt too tired to carry on, she pictured little Henry and remembered why her work was important.

All of this would belong to Henry when she was gone—she had the king's blessing in writing, recognizing him as her heir.

Despite her reticence toward King Edward's ways that she perceived as cruel at times, he was a man of his word. And for reasons she never fully understood, he never again suggested she marry Montworth, or anyone else, after he'd left Hawkspur.

Her mind drifted to Hawk, as it did several times every day, and always at night. She missed him terribly. She had tried a thousand different times to send a message to him in care of the king's court but stopped herself every time. The queen had every intention of finding him an heiress to give him sons. She would not make his life or hers more difficult by dragging out an affair that would not end happily.

Another knock sounded on the door and Aelwin entered at her beckoning. "There is someone here to see you, my lady—Hunter." He said the last with raised eyebrows.

"What? Why?" Her heart leaped and then plummeted. The arrival of Hawk's man could herald good news—or bad. "What does he…?"

Aelwin shrugged and seemed as bewildered as her by the unexpected guest.

"Show him in," she said, standing.

Hunter was the last person Alyce expected to see in her solar, especially just as she'd been thinking of Hawk. Or maybe she thought about Hawk so much, it wasn't odd at all that Hunter appeared as if invoked.

Though, even when he was garrisoned at the fortress with Hawk and his army, Hunter had rarely made an appearance within the castle walls.

"My lady," he said, bowing his head, his shaggy brown hair obscuring his face with the motion.

"Hunter," Alyce responded, trying to keep her voice as even as possible while her stomach lurched with fear. She could think of a few reasons why this man would grace her with his presence unless forced to do so. "What brings you to Hawkspur?"

Hunter's eyes shifted to Aelwin, then back to her as he gave a noncommittal grunt. He was an irritating man of few words.

"Is your commander well?"

Hunter nodded. "Aye, my lady."

Alyce felt her heart plummet at the news. She was happy that Hawk was well, but that meant that he had stayed away from her by choice. She'd not seen or heard from him since the night Cynwulf died. She had been so distraught over her brother's death, she hadn't been able to look at Hawk for fear it would be too much to bear. When she thought of that horrible day, she didn't want to see Hawk's face as he killed her brother or associate him with the feel of Cynwulf dead in her arms, or with the blood that stained her cloak red and soaked the ground around them. That was why she hadn't looked at him.

She'd wanted to tell Hawk that she understood why he killed Cynwulf, that she knew he did it to protect him from inevitable torture, and to protect her from having to watch her brother die a much more horrible death. She wanted him to know she did not hold him accountable for Cynwulf's death; that was his own doing. She wanted him to understand that when she told him to go, she only meant for him to leave before Montworth spun the situation out of control and made Hawk look bad in front of the king for his own gain. She didn't have the strength or the words to tell him all the things that were swirling in her head at that moment.

When days, weeks, and then months passed without Hawk returning to her, she'd concluded the king and queen had stayed steadfast in their determination he marry a woman who could give him the heirs he needed and deserved. She had told him she loved him, but he had not said the words in return, and perhaps time away from her had dimmed his passion for her.

"My lady?" Hunter asked, his face etched with concern.

Alyce shook her head. "I am sorry, Hunter. I was distracted. Please repeat what you said."

"I request to speak to you privately."

"Of course." She nodded to Aelwin, who took his leave, then lowered herself to her seat and motioned to a chair for Hunter.

He shook his head. "I prefer to stand."

Alyce had to stop an ironic burst of laughter from escaping her lips. It was nearly one year since Hawk and Red stood in this same solar, facing her and Cynwulf, both refusing to sit because they "preferred to stand".

Alyce nodded. "What did you wish to speak to me about?"

"Do you still blame my commander for your brother's death?"

Alyce was taken aback by the abrupt question. She and Hunter had never become friendly with each other, and he irritated her more often than not with his grunted answers and judgmental looks, but she respected him because Hawk did.

Taking a deep breath, she thought about how best to answer the strange question. "He is not to blame for the decisions Cynwulf made and the results of those decisions."

Hunter stared at her for a long moment, then nodded once and turned on his heel as though to leave.

"Wait!" Alyce said, rising to her feet.

Hunter stopped at the door and turned to face her.

She dropped her head for a moment and shook it, then looked up again at the obstinate man. "You've never been one for many words, Hunter, but I will not abide you asking one question and then leaving without giving me some information in return."

Hunter looked wary as he squared his feet, crossed his arms, and waited for her to speak.

Alyce wasn't sure where to start, but she surmised her questions had best be strategic because Hunter would likely only tolerate a few inquiries before he tired of her and took his leave.

"Does Hawk still serve the king?"

A nod.

"Is he betrothed as the queen so desired?"

A slow shake of his head.

Alyce sighed, then said in a quiet, awkward voice, "Does he ever say my name?"

Hunter looked at her for the space of three heartbeats—Alyce counted them—and then shook his head.

"Thank you, Hunter," she said, feeling hollow as she sat down in her chair, lowering herself steadily before her knees gave out on her. "You may go."

When the door was closed behind him, and Alyce was alone again, she sank back in the chair and looked at the ceiling, willing the burning in the backs of her eyes to cease.

It was over. Hawk didn't love her as she loved him. He'd played her for the fool she was. How easy it must have been to convince an unworldly widow that he cared for her, that she was beautiful and desirable and worthy of love when none of it was true. Resistance from the king and time away from her was all it took for her to become just another woman he could forget.

*

" Now will you go to her?"

Hawk narrowed his eyes at Red. "What are you blathering on about now?"

His first-in-command blew out a long sigh of frustration. "Why must you make everything harder than it need be?"

"Just say what you mean, you damned Viking," Hawk grumbled, his anger rising. Red could be more irritating than a clucking old hen.

"Alyce," Hunter grunted at him from his other side.

The three men navigated the cobblestoned lanes of Shrewsbury, making their way to the castle. King Edward was celebrating his victory over the Welsh rebels, rejoicing that his most hated enemy, Daffydd ap Llywelyn, self-proclaimed Prince of Wales and traitor to the English crown was finally in his hands. Hawk and his elite force of knights had been critical to the king's success against the rebels and in ultimately capturing Daffydd.

Hawk had thought of Alyce every single day for the last six months. He'd ridden to the edge of the forest outside of Hawkspur Castle more times than he could count, waiting to catch a glimpse of her standing tall on the high castle walls. It took every bit of his strength not to burst from the shelter of the forest, crest the hill on his stallion, and ride through the gates of the castle to claim her.

But she had told him to go, and he'd done as she commanded. He loved her too much to cause her any more pain than he had already. "She is better off without me."

"She doesn't think so."

Hawk stopped in his tracks to glare at Hunter. "What makes you say that?"

"I saw her."

"When?"

"Yesterday."

"Where?" Hawk wanted to shake Hunter and demand he tell him every detail.

"Hawkspur."

"Is she all right?" If the man didn't start giving up details soon, he was going to punch him.

Hunter nodded once.

Hawk clenched his hands into fists at his side but almost hit Red instead when he let out a booming laugh.

"It's a good thing I don't have my sword, or I'd skewer you both where you stand." He narrowed his eyes at both the men, who despite their irritating ways, always had his back.

"You love her," Red said. "It's why you lurk in the shadows of the woods outside Hawkspur every chance you get."

Hawk sighed. "It is because I love her that I do not go to her. I have caused her enough pain."

"She loves you," Hunter said in a flat tone. "She couldn't stop asking about you, how you fared, if you ever asked about her."

"What did you tell her?" Hawk cringed at the excitement rising in his voice.

Hunter shrugged. "You fared well, and you never talk about her."

" That's what you told her?" At this moment, Hawk didn't care that Hunter was one of the most skilled men in his elite army; he was going to kill him.

"You don't speak of her," he said, seemingly shocked at Hawk's response. "That doesn't mean you don't love her."

"Did you at least tell her that?" Hawk asked sarcastically.

Hunter shook his head slowly. "Doesn't she know you love her?"

Hawk clenched his teeth and growled in frustration.

"She did say you are not to blame for killing Cynwulf. She said he made his own decisions."

Hawk snapped his attention back to Hunter. "Truthfully?"

"Aye." Hunter shifted on his feet, growing uncomfortable with the talk of love and women. "She did not sound like she hated you. She sounded like she…misses you."

"You've made me a happy man," Hawk said, clapping Hunter on the back. "Now, let's never speak of this again."

"Are you going to her?" Red asked again.

"As soon as the king dismisses me," Hawk said with a grin.

"And if he doesn't?" Hunter asked.

Red snorted. "Hawk is again the king's most favored knight. He can ask for any boon he desires. And he desires Lady Alyce."

"Ready my horse," Hawk commanded. "I ride for Hawkspur. Today!"

*

Hawk found Alyce leaning against the fence of the outermost pasture, watching as a young colt was put through his paces by the stablemaster. Ffyddlon was sprawled out in the afternoon sun at her feet. He stood unnoticed in the shade of a tree, watching her for a long while.

She was beautiful.

She was everything.

Ffyddlon saw him first, bolting to sit upright and thumping her tail on the ground. Alyce murmured something to the dog, but when Ffyddlon's whole body started to wriggle, she looked around for the source of the hound's excitement.

When she caught sight of him standing a stone's throw away beneath the branches of a large tree, she froze. Except for her eyes—she blinked, and then again, as though she didn't believe what she was seeing, and when Hawk took a tentative step forward, her throat bobbed as she swallowed hard several times. She watched him as he walked toward her, never taking his eyes from her face.

It broke his heart as he drew near and saw the wetness on her cheeks. She kept her spine stiff, and her head held high, but he could see her hands trembling at her sides. He stopped an arm's length away, willing himself not to reach for her yet, terrified she still could reject him. This was why he'd never allowed himself to love. He'd been in battle countless times, faced death, and caused it, and yet nothing caused him more fear than the thought that Alyce could—and would—turn him away.

But he wasn't a man to run from pain.

"Is it true you do not hate me for what happened to Cynwulf?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

She nodded as she pressed her lips together and furrowed her brow as though fighting to keep her composure.

He dared to step closer. "I did not want to do it. As hard as it is to believe, I did it to save both him and you from…."

"I know," she said, her voice hardly a whisper.

He stepped close enough to smell the fragrance of her hair and reached his hand up to cup her cheek. "Do you still love me?"

She stared at him through watery eyes for a long moment before he caught an almost imperceptible nod.

He held his breath, afraid to say another word lest he make a muck of this. "I should have told you the first night you came to me, because I knew it then." He framed her face in both of his hands. "I love you. I love you more than I ever knew a man could love a woman." He panicked when she closed her eyes and tears flowed over her cheeks and found himself babbling. But he didn't try to stop himself. "I love you beyond all measure. I love you so much that I convinced myself you were better without me because I didn't want to hurt you anymore. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest every time I saw you on the parapets in the early mornings or the late nights. I wanted so badly to come to you, to wrap you in my arms and tell you I love you, but I thought you didn't want to see me."

"Stop," she sobbed, reaching her hands up to grab fistfuls of his shirt. "I missed you," she finally said in the faintest whisper.

That was all he needed. He pulled her into his embrace and buried his face in her hair. "I've missed you ," he said, the words coming out more as a sob than he intended. "I was broken without you."

He kissed the strands of her hair, her ear, her forehead, his lips moving over her face as though he needed to touch every part of it to know she was real, that this wasn't a dream.

"I told you to come back to me, Hawk, but you didn't."

The sorrow in her voice nearly broke him again. "I was a goddamn fool," he said, his voice gruff with emotion. "But I will never make that mistake again."

"Tell me again that you love me."

He lost himself in her brilliant blue eyes that matched the color of the English summer sky. "I love you, Alyce, Lady of Hawkspur."

And then he was ravishing her mouth, claiming her with every ounce of his being, kissing her thoroughly, until both of their hearts were beating out of control. Hawk pressed his forehead to hers as their eyes locked on each other, neither willing to look away for even a second. "I give you my heart and my steadfast fidelity. If you will have me, I am yours."

"You are all I want, Hawk," she said, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck.

"I told you once that when I was back on my feet, I would give you my allegiance."

"And I told you I did not want you to bow to me."

Hawk pulled her arms from his neck and lowered himself to take a knee in front of her. "I will swear my allegiance to you in all things if you let me serve you for the rest of your life."

Alyce tugged at his arms, trying to pull him back to his feet. "I do not need another vassal, Hawk. I want you for my own. I want to sleep in your arms every night and wake up to you every day. I want you as my lover and my confidant, and I wish you to be my equal in all things."

"I will never be your equal." He put his hands on the curve of her waist as he looked up at her. "Lady Alyce, Mistress of Hawkspur, I swear my undying love and the strength of my sword to you for as long as I live and breathe. I vow to love you and be at your command, to make love to you every night and kiss you every morning. I will be your protector and your ally in all things."

Alyce dropped her knees to face him. "You told me once you bow to no one but King Edward."

"I did," he agreed. "And now I bow to you. I will always bow to you."

"If we marry, you will be Lord of Hawkspur—"

Hawk shook his head and put his fingers to her lips to stop her from speaking. "I do not want to be lord of Hawkspur." He almost laughed at the hurt and confused look on her face. "I want you to be my wife, but I do not want Hawkspur for my own. All I want are barracks to house my men and a field to train them in."

"The king will never agree to such an arrangement," she protested.

"He already has," Hawk assured her. "You remain liege of Hawkspur, and I continue to serve the king by training an elite force of fighters ready to do his bidding. But only if this is agreeable to you, my lady."

"What of children, Hawk?" she asked, her eyes turning vulnerable. "Will you want a family?"

" You are my family," he said pulling her into his arms again. "I could never want for more. And when we die, we will leave what we have to the horses, or the dogs, or whomever you choose." He wished he knew what to say to assure her he cared nothing about leaving a legacy, but she would believe him with time.

She cocked her eyebrow and pinched her lips together as though considering it. "I want a family, Hawk. Children."

He tried to hide the sadness in his eyes that he could not give her what she wanted. "The people of Hawkspur will be our family."

She quirked a small smile at him. "Could you love a child and raise it as your own, even if he was not of your blood?"

"Of course," Hawk said, slanting his eyes at her, wondering what she was alluding to.

"Could you love Henry?"

"Henry?"

"His mother did not survive the last winter," Alyce explained. "And I am his closest relative. He calls me Mama , and he is growing so tall."

He didn't think he could love her any more than he did a few moments ago, but he was quite certain the feeling in his chest was his heart exploding.

"Edna calls him little Hawk," Alyce confessed with a grin. "But he needs a papa. If you will have me, then you must take him as well."

Hawk nodded. "It's perfect."

"I do not want him to be an only child, Hawk," Alyce continued. "There are other children in the village who have been orphaned."

"Let's have them all," he said with a laugh. He pushed to his feet and then held his hand out to her to haul him up next to her.

"I have one request," Alyce said.

"Anything."

"I was serious when I said I wanted an equal. You can train your forces and have free reign of the castle, but we rule Hawkspur together. And I want to be known as Lady Hawk," she added with a grin.

He shook his head. "Hawkspur is yours. I serve you."

"You said you would do as I command and accept your role as lord."

"No one can lord over Hawkspur better than you, my lady. I will not see it any other way."

"Then I will not marry you."

"That is your choice, but I will be sleeping in your bed, whether you marry me or not."

She gasped in mock astonishment. "Do you always get your prey, Lord Hawk?" she asked in a husky voice.

"Always."

"Good," she told him and kissed him thoroughly.