Chapter Sixteen

"I t is time to forgive."

Alyce felt emotionally drained from her time with Hawk in the village. After leaving him, she had gone to the stables to check on Guinevere and clear her mind. The mare had been more restless than usual, and the stable master predicted the foal would present itself to the world within hours.

Alyce stayed with Guinevere until she delivered a feisty colt. He was a fine foal and was soon on his feet, suckling greedily from Guinevere's teats despite his wobbling knees. It was late when Alyce finally left the mare and her baby alone for the night and returned to her chamber.

Edna had brought her a platter of food from the kitchen and ordered a bath. After describing every detail of the foal's birth and Guinevere's wonderful maternal instincts, Alyce settled back in the bath and closed her eyes. The excitement of witnessing the birth of the little colt had been a welcome distraction, but then her mind drifted back to thoughts of Hawk and the events of the day.

"You look sad, my pet," Edna said in a careful tone.

Alyce sighed, sinking deeper into the soothing water. "I am feeling very out of sorts today."

"Is it because of a certain dark-haired knight?"

Her breath caught in her throat at Edna's question. Was she so obvious? "Even if he is the cause, I must put him out of my mind."

"Why must you?"

Alyce was too tired to discuss all the reasons why she could not be with Hawk. "You know why," she said in a strained whisper.

That's when Edna proclaimed, "It is time to forgive."

"I do not think Hawk requires my forgiveness."

Edna clucked her tongue. "You've always had a feisty side to you, and it comes out when you feel backed into a corner."

Alyce stood up quickly, water splashing over the edge of the wooden tub from her sudden movement. She reached for the towel Edna held out to her, then stepped out onto a rug to dry herself.

Edna helped slip a night rail over Alyce's head then pushed her down on a stool by the fireplace to brush the snarls out of her wet hair.

"You know I am not speaking of Hawk," Edna said in her most motherly voice.

Alyce knew very well to whom Edna referred, but she did not want to have this conversation. She stared into the dancing flames of the fire and said nothing, hoping Edna would not press her. Edna kept up the soothing rhythmic strokes of the brush through her hair, but she would not give Alyce the peace she longed for.

"It is time to forgive Geoffrey."

Alyce stiffened. "What is left to forgive? He is dead. He is not here to forgive." She was grateful Edna stood behind her, unable to see her face. She was too tired to mask her pain—pain that felt fresh again after spending the day with a man who did not want her while watching him play with a baby who belonged to her husband but was not hers.

The entire day had turned into a constant reminder that the people she loved the most were also the people who could hurt her the worst. Cynwulf had shut her out, refusing to trust her to help him. She'd been forced to look more closely at the life of the woman whose son was a constant reminder of her husband's betrayal. And now Edna, whom she loved like a mother, who had always been there to soothe her when she needed to feel loved, was asking her to open her raw heart and forgive.

"Why must I be the one to forgive? I did not betray my husband by sleeping with someone else while he was home worried sick that I was dying in a ditch somewhere. I'm not the one who keeps secrets from Cynwulf. I do not make Janet give herself to the men in the hall."

Edna moved to stand in front of Alyce, her eyes wide as she looked down at her. "Where did all of that come from? I was speaking only of Geoffrey and your stubborn insistence to hold his betrayal close to your heart, blowing on it whenever the embers of your hurt start to cool."

Alyce felt the sting of indignant tears as she blinked to hold them back. "You think I purposely bring this pain on myself?"

Edna cupped Alyce's cheek in her hand and nodded. "Aye, I do. And before you disagree with me, listen to what I have to say."

Alyce pursed her lips together, but she remained quiet.

"My dear child, you think you have nothing to give another man, which is nothing but folly. Any man would be fortunate to have you in his life, children or no, but you are too afraid of being hurt again, so you hide behind the pain you know."

She wanted to disagree with Edna, tell her she did not understand, but the woman knew her better than anybody in her life…and she was completely right.

"If you do not forgive, you cannot move on. You cannot love again," Edna continued.

Alyce could hardly lift her voice above a whisper. "I just never want to feel this much pain again."

"Alyce. Look at me."

She lifted her eyes reluctantly to Edna's face.

"Geoffrey is dead. Geoffrey made a mistake. Geoffrey hurt you." She stroked a hand over Alyce's hair as she spoke. "But Geoffrey loved you, and we hurt the people we love whether we mean to or not."

"What he did changed everything for me," Alyce said, hating that she sounded like a whining child.

"Tell me, Alyce. Tell me how it changed everything."

"It changed everything because he made our marriage into a sham." Alyce closed her eyes and leaned into Edna's hand, seeking the warm comfort of her touch against her cheek.

Edna kissed Alyce's forehead, then released her to pick up a second stool and set it near Alyce's. She took both of Alyce's hands in her own and looked her squarely in the eye. "It is only a sham if you allow that one incident to define the whole of your marriage."

"I cannot stop thinking about how he touched her in ways that he was only supposed to touch me. I keep imagining him with her, losing himself to her, and the way she made him feel. How could I ever live up to that?" She had never spoken to anyone about the true depth of her hurt from Geoffrey's betrayal. Tears spilled down her cheeks and anguish cracked her voice. "I trusted him with my life, with my heart. When he slept with her, I lost all confidence in myself, in who we were together. I never stopped loving him despite how betrayed I felt, but my heart was shattered." Her words were riding on the edges of her sobs, the pain as fresh as the day she discovered the affair. "I cannot go through that again."

Edna stroked Alyce's hair, cradling her head as though she were a child again. "Whenever we love, we take a risk. You cannot live your life being angry forever, or else you will never find the joy in loving again. You are too young to be alone and most importantly, you are worthy of love, despite what you might think."

Alyce wanted to believe that she was worthy, but she knew her worth was not equal to that of other women's because she was barren. "She had his baby. She gave him the child I could not. No amount of love can overcome my lacking, and I can never provide the heir that every husband desires."

"Look at me, Alyce." Alyce did as she was told, startled by the firm edge to Edna's voice. "People speak of God's will and the need to be worthy of His grace to conceive but let me tell you something: I have brought many a babe into this world in every possible circumstance and it seems to have very little to do with the will of God or the worth of the person. I refuse to believe that good people are unable to have children because God deemed them unworthy. And not every man will feel your worth is to be measured by the number of sons you produce."

Alyce's eyes grew wide at this speech coming from the same woman who had taught her how to pray. The church would consider her words blasphemy and condemn her for speaking the devil's thoughts. But this was the same woman who'd encouraged Alyce to think for herself and question everything others tried to tell her; it should come as no surprise that she had her own opinions about the teachings of the Church.

Alyce had never met a woman stronger than Edna, and she was lucky to have her in her life. "I am not making you very proud at this moment, am I?"

"Never say that!"

"You did not raise me to wallow in self-pity, yet that seems to be what I have been doing for a long time."

The older woman harrumphed. "We all need to wallow at times. Then we need someone to come along and tell us when it is time to stop wallowing. Consider this me telling you."

A small laugh escaped Alyce's lips, and she suddenly felt lighter than she had for a very long time.

"I suggest you say to Geoffrey what you said to me—" she pointed toward the heavens as she said the words—"then tell him you forgive him. After that, the matter must be done."

"And if I forget and start to wallow again?"

"Give yourself a good pinch and say, ‘No more.' Then think about what you can do to make yourself happy. Do not deny yourself what you desire."

"But what if what I desire will only lead to heartache?"

"You do not know where anything will lead, and you cannot avoid feeling pain for the rest of your life. But I promise you there will be more pleasure and happiness than pain and heartache." Edna touched her finger to the tip of Alyce's nose in an affectional gesture, then winked at her. "I suggest you start with allowing yourself more pleasure in your life."