Chapter 20

chapter twenty

Quinn

Phoenix

Hey, pretty girl.

I smile at my phone, again. That seems to be all I've done for the past few days, and honestly, it's a nice distraction. I type out a sassy response.

New phone who dis?

Phoenix

It's Gavin texting about your car's extended warranty.

????

Phoenix

When does Daisy girl have free time? I'm ready to see you.

Ummm… more like when does Gavin have free time? You are the hotshot touchdown scorer on campus. I'm just Quinn Garner, book nerd.

Phoenix

You are a cute book nerd.

You are a handsome touchdown scorer.

Phoenix

You busy tonight? Coming to the game?

Oof. I don't know.

Phoenix

Well, this touchdown scorer isn't playing. Collins and I got suspended.

?????♀? Because of me.

Phoenix

Nah, I let my temper get the best of me. I shouldn't have hit him.

You always sound so level headed.

And he does. We've talked on and off all week and he's made me smile the entire freaking time. A random text here and there, a funny little flirty comment. It's the effort.

It's sexy, but not once has he brought up what happened between us on the cruise. It's almost like he's afraid to bring it up, like it might ruin this sweet thing we've got going on, and it might, but we need to talk about it.

We should talk about what happened on the cruise.

Phoenix

I know.

His short response makes my heart leap up into my throat. It makes me nervous.

Can you meet after the game?

Phoenix

Yeah. I'll text you after.

Sounds good.

I stare at my phone, nearly begging another text to come through, but it never does. After a few minutes, there's a faint knock at my dorm door. It's still early and Ava went home this weekend so I'm not sure who it could be.

Rather than tiptoeing to look through the peephole, I just open the door, instantly wishing I would have taken the extra effort to peek.

Grayson pushes past me into my room, flustered and pacing around like a mad man.

"I can't sleep, Quinn." He bellows. "I can't focus on anything. I fucked up, I should've told you everything. I just didn't know what the right thing to do was. I didn't want to make things worse."

He doesn't stop rambling, "I've been thinking about it nonstop."

I grab his arm so he will stop moving, "Just sit down."

He almost looks like he might cry, and even though I don't want it to, it tugs at my heartstrings. I try to put myself in his shoes.

But I can't imagine lying to him like he did to me.

"You lied to me, Gray."

He shakes his head, grabbing both of my arms and squeezing. "I didn't mean to. You have to believe me, I thought I was doing the right thing. For as long as I can remember it was you and Raelynn. Losing your mom was enough, I didn't want you to lose Rae too."

I pull my hands out of his grip, "But I did, didn't I? I ended up losing her anyway. You chose her over me, Grayson."

"I saw it from both sides," He explains. "I didn't know what to do."

"You pick your girlfriend!" I yell, but immediately regret doing it. "You protected her."

The tears are burning my eyes but I try my best to keep them from falling. "I saw the messages on your phone, Gray. You said you loved her."

"I did," He agrees. "I do love her, but I'm not in love with her."

"Ha! You took her to prom! I wanted to forgive you, Grayson. I wanted to give you another chance. But you broke up with me , remember?"

"I couldn't lie to you anymore!" He yells, "It felt like I was gonna break your heart by telling you the truth, and Rae isn't okay, either. She has panic attacks, Quinn. She can barely even talk about what happened."

I try to think back over the past year, "She seemed fine to me."

Grayson runs his palms down his face, "Because she was talking to me. I'm telling you Quinn, she wasn't fine. I was afraid she was going to hurt herself."

I want to see things from his side, you know, put myself in his shoes? But I can't see past him falling for her, because no matter what he says, he fell for her. Digging around in my bedside table, I pull a picture out of my journal, shoving it at him.

It's from freshman year, three bestfriends with huge metal grins from our braces and tongues sticking out. "I loved her, too. She was my best friend, Gray, she was easy to love. So don't sit there and tell me you didn't have feelings for her. Don't tell me those messages didn't mean something. Just for once, be real with me."

He stares at the photo in his hand, then looks back at me, teary eyed. "I didn't mean to choose her. I swear to you, I didn't think of it like that."

"Maybe not," I sigh. "But it's too late, Gray. Too much has happened."

He stands up from the bed and takes a strand of my hair between his fingers, "I don't know how to make any of this right, but I promise you, I will."

I stare at him for a beat then take the picture from his hand, placing it back where it belongs. "You should go."

His eyes plead with me to let him stay, but I can't. I can't trust him.

"You have to go, Grayson. Please."

He nods, and pulls the door closed behind him.

As soon as it clicks shut, I let out the sob I've been holding back.

Not because I'm sad he's gone, but it feels like we broke up all over again. All those emotions, all that pain. It just slams right back into me. The same feelings from months ago, except now I know the truth. There's no wondering why. There's no confusion.

He lied to me.

I dry my eyes and take a fortifying breath. I didn't think I'd go to the game earlier today, and honestly the thought of Grayson being there isn't exactly helping. Not to mention I don't have my sassy little roommate at my side. But Gavin will be there, and something about him pulls at me.

For some reason when I talk to him, my chest feels lighter.

I feel like everything is okay.

Blowing out a deep breath, I look into the bathroom mirror. I grab a makeup brush and go to work. My hands shake with nerves as I try to put my mascara on, and there's an unpredictable rhythm of thumping in my chest.

I'm really doing this.

An hour later I'm staring at the stadium, contemplating running back to my dorm.