Chapter Twenty-Five

I almost didn't get any sleep last night. Instead of succumbing to my thoughts, I worked my brains out on my presentation for Monday. My biological clock makes me wake up at 5:00 am today even though my alarm isn't set. Before I begin to think too much, I get up and go for a run. It feels like forever since the last time I went running.

It's so quiet outside. I'm glad. It feels quieter than my mind. London's still sleeping, only the birds seem to be awake with me. As I begin to run, focused on the path, my thoughts begin coming one by one, and I take my time to deal with them. Work. Josh. Luc. Luc. Luc. Then it's all about Luc until I clear my head and decide it's time to get back and have my smoothie. I don't even remember the last time I had one.

Today Lesley's there and, of course, I have to tell her what I'm having. No surprise. I've lost hope in her.

She's watching me with a weird grin on her face, she never grins at me. I might know the reason, so I don't bother asking. She offers an answer anyways.

‘Saw you on the news,' she says handing me my smoothie.

I shoot her a fake smile.

‘The other day, a guy, a reporter or photographer, not sure, came asking about you.'

I was about to turn and leave when she said it.

‘What do you mean?'

‘He was asking if I knew who you were, and if I'd seen you … you know, with him,' she winks at me.

Of course he did.

‘And what did you tell him?' My curiosity is bigger than my desire to ignore her.

By the look on her face and her expression, I know she was the one who leaked my name to the press.

‘I might have told him your name,' she says, wincing.

I sigh. Now who'd have guessed that Lesley, who can't even remember my usual order, would be the one to remember my name at the most inconvenient time?

‘Sorry,' she says with a guilty face.

I let out my most sarcastic smirk.

‘Whatever,' I say, turning to leave. What's done it's done, right?

Before I reach for the door handle I look back and tell her, ‘At least you've got his autograph.'

‘Oh, and a selfie too,' she looks proud, innocent, and in that moment I realise Lesley's just naive, not stupid. And I confirm the fact that Luc never gave her his phone number, not that I had any doubt.

Just as the lift doors open, I bump into Jules. As soon as he sees me, a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. His smile and his eyes are identical to his brother's, but younger.

‘Hey, Olivia,' he says.

‘Hi, Jules,' I say, a bit shy, something I'm normally not. I wonder how much he knows about me and Luc.

‘Funny, I'm headed to the café to get the same thing for Luc.'

I smile at him. My heart feels the pain of hearing his name. Will I ever be able to drink this smoothie again without thinking about him?

The doors almost close, but he holds them open. I'm not sure what else he has to say.

‘You know, I told him to tell you as soon as he realised you didn't know,' he says with a guilty expression. This makes me like him even more, this younger version of Luc.

‘That's ok, Jules. It was his decision.'

‘I know,' he says.

I step onto the lift and press the button. He's still blocking the doors.

‘Would it have made any difference if he had told you sooner?' he asks.

So he knows.

‘I don't know. It still wouldn't change the fact that he's famous.'

‘Right,' he says, studying my face for a second. ‘You know, he's still a person despite the fame. There's so much about him you don't know,' he says, his expression changing from hopeful to disappointed.

I feel a pang in my heart. For some reason I'm disappointed in myself for disappointing Jules. Why? I have no idea.

‘So it seems,' I say, more to myself than to him.

‘He likes you, he really does. Just thought you should know,' he finishes his sentence just as the doors begin to close again, this time he steps out of the way and lets them close without an answer from my side.

#

After a long shower that has failed to help me organise my thoughts, I dress and get ready for lunch. Nate's supposed to pick me up and will be downstairs at any moment now.

I grab my purse and check my bangs in the mirror on the way out. As soon as I open the door I bump into Mrs. Thompson and her caretaker, a young girl that is helping her walk past her door.

‘Morning Mrs. Thompson,' I say and nod politely to her caretaker.

‘Good morning, Olivia,' says Mrs. Thompson.

The lift arrives and I hold the door open for the two.

‘Going for a walk?' I ask her once we're in the lift.

‘Yes. Are you going to watch your boyfriend play?' she asks with an excited grin on her face.

‘My boyfriend? Oh no, he's not my boyfriend,' I say, embarrassed, blushing.

‘Why not?' she asks curious.

If only it was that easy.

‘It's complicated.'

‘Love, complicated was having a boyfriend in a war zone not knowing if he'd ever reply to the latest letter. If that letter had arrived at all,' she actually smirks at that, making me smile too.

‘Don't let complicated turn into regret,' she says, her hand pat my shoulder.

There is much more to what she just said, but I don't have the chance to hear all about it because the lift has reached the ground floor.

When I open the front door to the street, Luc's standing outside on the pavement. He hasn't seen me, he's looking at the street, his Nike white cap backwards. He's holding his big backpack over his shoulder, one hand holding his phone, the other the straps of his backpack. Just what I didn't need right now.

Maurice and Daniel are standing beside him, focused on their conversation. It looks like they're waiting for someone, probably the car that's going to take them to Wimbledon. I don't want to have to talk to him, so I unconsciously freeze where I am. I even consider going in again and give it a few minutes to come out again, but there's no need, the driver has stopped the car by the kerb and they're walking towards it. Maurice gets in first, then Daniel, when it's Luc's turn, he looks back, as if feeling my eyes on him.

He stops and holds my gaze for what it feels like an eternity. He watches me, his eyes seem hopeful, but his expression is closed and hard. For a moment I wonder if he thinks I'm there for him. I want to make it clear that I'm not, I just want him to leave already, so I make myself stop staring and check my phone.

My heart speaks to me in a way it never did before. There's a painful feeling in my throat, something I hadn't experienced before. It reminds me of the feeling of loss, but in a different way. I've lost before, but they were all losses I hadn't had control over. I couldn't do anything about them, other than accept them. Now it's different. I have a choice. And I'm choosing to lose. Him.

When I lift my gaze up again, he has just closed the door, but I can still feel his eyes on me as the car drives away. I can't breathe or move from where I am. Then I'm startled by Mrs. Thompson making her way out the front door.

I hear Thea's voice coming from somewhere, ‘We're here, Livvy.' She's leaning on the Range Rover parked by the kerb. A warm smile takes over her face and I sense her contagious morning energy approaching, I could use some today. As soon as I start to walk toward her, I hear someone else from behind me.

‘Olivia?'

It's Luc's mum.

I turn to find her and Dom. She has a big smile on her face. She's so gorgeous and elegant, bright red lipstick on, hat and a beautiful dress to suit Wimbledon's style. In some ways she even reminds me of my own mother.

‘Annette, hi!' I'm so surprised I can't hide it, my voice comes out like a squeak.

‘Are you coming with us?' she asks.

I wonder what made her think that.

‘Me? No, I'm not.'

I can't even believe my own voice when it comes out, it sounds like regret.

‘I was hoping you would,' I hear the disappointment in her voice.

Dom looks disappointed too.

‘I thought you were supposed to go with him,' I say.

‘With Luc? Oh no, he always goes first with Jules. He warms up and practices before the match. We go in separate cars,' she says.

‘Olivia,' Dom pulls me into a hug. He holds me there for longer that I expect. I don't know why, but I feel like crying. How confusing am I now? And it's not even PMS.

‘Hi Dom,' I say into his chest.

‘Come with us, I know someone who'd like that very much.' He breaks our hug and looks me in the eyes. I'm pretty sure I'm blushing all shades of pink and red.

‘I'm headed to see my parents, but I wish you all good luck for today.' I can't look at their faces. I feel like I'm betraying them in a way. Myself too. Today's an incredibly important day for them all.

‘Oh that's too bad. But we get it. I've already kicked his ass for lying to you. He's still going to be able to play today despite the pain in his ass,' says Dom, laughing at his own joke.

I flush at the thought that his family knows about us and talks about it so casually.

‘But you know, in case you change your mind …' He places a card held by a lanyard in my hand. It takes me a few moments to realise what it is.

‘Oh, no. It's ok. It won't be necessary.' I give him the card back, I know what he's trying to do.

Touching my upper arm, he looks me in the eyes and says, ‘You know, chérie, a heart beats fast—you can change your mind fast too, from one second to the other, or in a heartbeat as people say. Sometimes you just need to listen to it.'

I don't know what to say, because I hadn't seen this one coming.

They're both watching me, Dom still holding the lanyard, a gleam in his eye.

Just then, their car arrives. They both hesitate for a moment, I'm the one to say goodbye first and wish them good luck. Then they're gone.

‘Olivia?' says Thea from beside me. She lays a hand on my shoulder and when I look at her, she's as confused as I am, but she still has a big smile on her face.

‘You look strange. Are you ok?' asks Nate as soon as I enter the car.

I nod.

‘Who were they?' he asks.

He's watching me in the rear-view mirror. He has a suspicious look on his face, the one he makes when he's fishing for the truth.

‘Luc's family,' I say.

‘Oh.'

He turns his face to take a proper look at me sitting in the back of his car.

‘Are you sure you're ok?'

‘Yeah, let's just go,' I say, avoiding his gaze and staring out the window.

He begins to drive but I see him studying me from the rear-view mirror once again. After a moment of silence—yes, it's apparently possible to have a moment of silence with Thea in the car—he says, ‘Why are you so in denial? It's pathetic.'

The thing with having a close relationship with siblings is that they just know you too well. Sometimes, more than yourself. In my case, most of the time. They have, at some point in their lives, seen you at your worst and your best, they know your weaknesses and strengths, they know how to get to your head, they know what drives you crazy and what makes you incredibly happy, they had several different opportunities to experience and test it all out throughout your lives. Of course, they also know when you're lying to them and when you're lying to yourself too. Even if they don't always tell you.

When I was at the hospital, after what Josh did to me, Nate came by to visit. Mum and I had agreed we shouldn't tell him or Dad, because we knew they would want to do something about it, and I didn't. When he asked me what happened and I began making something up about an accident, he knew I was lying. I'm not good at faking and pretending. And well, he's my brother, he knows me well. Playing pretend with him wasn't going to cut it, and I knew it. He knew it.

And now he knows too, of course. And maybe he knows it more than I do, he just used the right word for it. Denial. Something I hadn't thought about until now.

‘What are you talking about?' I pretend I don't know.

He, of course, throws me a mocking grin.

‘Seriously?' now he raises an eyebrow, making sure the other stays as low as possible.

Then everything changes. Because yes, I'm in denial. Luc is the best and most exciting thing that ever happened to me. And yes, he was right: I'm afraid. I'm afraid of trying, of breaking, of losing, of the unknown, of giving my all to someone I don't know will give his all in return. But then, how will I ever know if I never give it a chance?

‘I wanna do something crazy,' my mouth speaks before I can even think clearly.

Nate stops the car at a red light and turns his to face me.

‘Just how crazy are we talking?' The way the corner of his mouth kicks up in a smile that reaches his eyes just confirms how well he knows me, because right now he knows the crazy I'm referring to.

‘How much do you want to make it on time for lunch today?' I ask.

‘Hell, I'm in for skipping it,' says Thea looking back at me too. I don't know if she's more excited about my proposition or not having to see Mum today.

Nate laughs, and my mouth trembles as I smile back at them.

‘Good, because we need to make it to Wimbledon,' I say.

Cars are honking behind us as the lights have turned green.

‘We need to try to find Luc's parents' car. I don't have their number and I don't have a way of getting into Wimbledon,' I say.

‘Then we better hurry up,' says Nate stepping his foot on the gas pedal and spinning us in the opposite direction.

Thea searches for Wimbledon's address on the Navi.

‘Traffic doesn't look good, guys,' she says.

‘I figured,' I say, my heart racing inside my chest.

Nate speeds through lights in every colour and doesn't seem to mind getting a ticket or crashing. He also ignores all the honks. On a normal day I'd curse at him for driving like this, but right now I'm grateful.

With my arms propped on both front seats, I keep my eyes peeled to find the black BMW. I can barely breathe with the adrenaline. I'm doing all this and I don't even know if he'll listen to me, if it will make a difference. The way he looked at me before getting in the car didn't seem promising. My stomach stirs with the thought of our conversation yesterday.

We turn on a few streets until we make it to the main road that leads to Wimbledon. It isn't far from my flat, but traffic on a finals day makes up for the short distance. Nate changes lines a few times and that's when I see them, far ahead, doing just the same. Hope makes its appearance.

‘There! They're on the right side,' I say, pointing.

‘Shit. They're gonna make it there before we do, Livvy. The traffic's too slow,' says Nate.

And that's exactly what happens. The line has been divided, cars on the left are being let inside, past the barrier to a restricted area, others stay on the right line moving only inches forward. That's when we lose them, as the car has turned into the reserved area.

Fuck.

Thea and Nate look back at me and I know what their stares are telling me.

I have to run. Literally. I don't even think twice before opening the door and stepping out of the car.

‘Good luck Livvy,' shouts Thea.

‘Good luck sis,' says Nate.

I think I'm gonna need more than luck, because maybe running in heels and wearing a flowing dress isn't the brightest idea, but it will have to do.

People watch me as I dash through the lines of cars. I don't even make it 50 meters before giving up on my heels and taking them off. I now am running barefooted on the road like a mad woman. How did I get here?

I make it to the restricted entrance where the BMW drove into. There is security, of course. I do my best to be discreet as I try to do the craziest thing I've ever attempted to—duck unnoticed into the VIP area.

‘Miss,' says the guard.

I pretend I haven't heard her and keep going, holding my heels in my hands. I just need to make it to the black BMW and talk to Luc's parents, I can see them from here.

‘Hey, miss. Where do you think you're going?'

I run. I actually run from the guard. I don't even look back. Before I can celebrate my success, I bump into another guard a few steps ahead.

‘Please, I just need to talk to them,' I say, pointing at the car.

The guard gives me a once over and fixes his gaze on my dirty feet.

‘I'm sorry miss. If you don't have a badge, I can't let you in,' he says, politely.

Shit.

Still not accepting defeat I try shouting Dom's and Anette's names, but they aren't close enough to hear me, and it's useless anyways, they're inside the car. They keep moving ahead. Then I can't see them anymore.

I have no idea how I'm going to make it inside without a pass.