Chapter Eighteen

The muffled sound of my alarm is coming from somewhere. It feels like a dream. It keeps ringing and ringing. I open my eyes and look at my watch, which isn't on my wrist. I fumble around the bed trying to find my phone, but remember I left it on the couch last night. This forces me to get up.

I find my phone under one of the cushions, and I can't believe what my eyes are seeing. There are over sixty missed calls from different people, even more messages. From Mum, Dad, Nate, Lexi, Naomi, and … Luc. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and think that eventually I'll have to face the world, but not now, because my phone's battery just died and someone's knocking at the door.

I don't bother checking myself in the mirror on the way to the door, as soon as I open it my heart stops pumping for an excruciating minute.

‘I'm sorry.'

It's Luc, lines on one of his cheeks, sleepy face, hair sticking up, and narrowed eyes staring apologetically down at me.

Why God? Why does he have to be so goddamn hot?

He can probably see flames in my eyes as I stare back at him. I don't say a word, and I consider closing the door in his face but I need to get this over with. I can't go the rest of the day without having some kind of explanation. I leave the door open, and go to charge my phone. He lets himself in.

I'm in my room placing my phone on the charger on the nightstand, and he has followed me. I glare at him from across the room, and even though I have so much to say and ask, I can't find the words. I'm too mad. Fuming.

‘Olivia, talk to me.' He swallows hard. His face is covered in guilt and sprinkled with remorse.

I walk towards the kitchen, but he's blocking the door. He folds his arms over his chest and blocks the way even more, giving me no option but to stop in front of him.

I sigh in frustration.

‘Why?' I ask him calmly. My eyes meet his, my voice finally shows up.

‘I wanted to tell you, but—'

I don't let him finish.

‘That's not what I asked.'

He closes his eyes as he inhales deeply and opens them as he exhales sharply.

‘I don't know,' he says, to my disappointment.

‘You don't know?'

I press against him, making him move out of the way so I can pass. His touch sends me to hell and back.

‘You didn't recognise me, and it's not like I brag about who I am. It felt good to be treated as a normal person, no pressure or expectations or secondary intentions,' he says to my back.

I close my eyes and try to calm my heart, which is rioting inside my chest.

‘It's not like you had to brag about yourself, just be honest about who you are when you realised I didn't know,' I point out.

I go over the kitchen counter and grab my vitamins, somehow, right at this moment it feels important I don't forget to take them. It gives me something to do apart from looking at Luc as he tries to explain himself.

‘Olivia.'

‘What?'

He's still talking to my back.

‘Will you look at me?'

I hesitate. I'm burning with fury. I swallow the vitamins with one big gulp of water and turn to face him. I catch him checking me out in my pyjamas. He could have pretended otherwise, but he didn't. His stare almost puts me off balance. Almost.

When his eyes stop to meet mine, he says, ‘I am very sorry you found out this way. I really don't know why I let it go this far. It wasn't meant to be like this,' his eyes are begging. ‘But I felt like myself, being with you not knowing what I do for a living,' he says, and I don't know how to deal with this truth.

‘You mean, I don't know who you are,' I say.

‘No, that's not what I'm trying to say.' He runs a hand through the waves of his messy hair. I haven't seen him nervous until now.

Silence. Way too much silence hanging heavy in the air.

‘After one week you know more about me than many people I've seen every day for years,' he says.

‘Don't. Don't try to make it better like this, it's not gonna work.'

‘I'm just saying.'

He holds my gaze and my fury is stronger than my weakness for him.

‘How could you do this knowing about Josh?'

I'm barely keeping it together, rage is crawling all over my skin.

‘I …' I see hurt in his eyes. I just hope he doesn't see any in mine. It's not a good moment to show my weaknesses and be vulnerable.

‘I told you my deepest secret. I trusted you with the worst thing that ever happened to me,' I say, raising my voice.

He sighs.

‘I know. I wanted to tell you on Tuesday night, but then after hearing your story about Josh, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.'

I give him a stern look. Adrenaline moved by anger is taking over me. My skin's prickling.

‘You're so freaking selfish, Lucas,' I hiss.

His eyes grow wide, he almost winces at my harsh tone.

‘Tell me how I can make it better,' he says, more like pleading.

‘That's the thing, you can't.'

I walk to the bathroom and go brush my teeth, leaving him ignored in the kitchen. I turn on my electric brush and when I look up, our eyes meet in the mirror. He's standing behind me, leaning his shoulder against the door frame. He patiently waits, watching me. I can tell this is driving him crazy, so I take my time.

‘I'm sorry, Olivia. There were many times I thought you had figured it out. I know there aren't any convincing explanations for keeping this from you. I was unfair to you.'

‘Damn right you were,' I say with my mouth full of toothpaste.

His eyes dart through the reflexion of mine.

I wash my mouth and face. I pass him by the door, bumping my shoulder on his arm, and take angry steps towards my closet. I push open the mirrored sliding door to my lingerie collection. My eyes browse through the hangers and open a few drawers. I end up choosing a black bodysuit I designed for myself, a mix of lace, tule and leather. It's the most erotic I ever designed, of course my pick is intentional. I lay it on the bed and move to the other part of the closet to pick something to wear for the office. I'm fully aware that he's watching me, but I pretend I'm alone in the room.

As I pull my pyjama top over my head in front of the mirrored closet—my breasts are fully exposed, I'm not wearing a bra—I see him watching from behind. It looks like I'm slowly killing him.

Good.

‘Olivia. Stop it,' he begs.

I ignore him. I push my shorts down and hear him sigh—I'm not wearing panties either. I grab the bodysuit from the bed and start to put it on, stepping in with one foot at a time. When I'm done with the second, he's in front of me.

‘What are you trying to do?' he asks.

To drive you crazy.

‘To get ready for work.' I'm fully aware it's not even 6:00 am yet, and that normally I'd be getting ready for a run. But I guess yesterday I ran enough for the rest of the week, and besides, I'd rather arrive early and avoid walking the hallways feeling as if I were walking the runway with all the stares following me.

He presses his fingers to his eyelids, pushing the skin to the bridge of his nose. He's doing his best to be patient. I know I'm pushing him to the edge and for some wicked vengeful reason, that's exactly what I want.

‘What do you want, Luc?' I say, staring at myself in the mirror, checking how the bodysuit hugs my body.

‘I want you to talk to me, like an adult.'

‘I don't know what to say to you,' I say, picking up the dress I chose. He stops me, holding my hands and dress. His touch makes me gasp for air.

‘Say what you want. Scream, hit me, kick me, hurt me. I know I deserve it, but don't ignore me,' he pleads.

I might have just found his weakness. Lucas Lamaire hates to be ignored.

‘How did you think I'd react when I found out? Because you know, eventually I would.'

My face is so hot I think it's audible, my skin feels like it's cracking with fire.

‘So what if I don't know who's famous and who's not? So what if I didn't recognise you? I still had the right to know, and you had plenty of time to tell me.'

‘I'm not saying you should have recognised me,' he says in a low tone.

‘You took advantage of the situation. You omitted a huge part of your life, a part that is now hurting my privacy.'

‘What would you have done if I'd told you from the start?' he asks.

I make him let go of my hands and start putting my dress on.

‘Probably wouldn't have had invited you for breakfast in the first place.'

‘Really?' he raises an eyebrow.

‘Yes, really,' I say, sounding more aggressive than I meant.

I thought talking to him would calm my nerves, but it's doing the opposite. I honestly don't think now is a good time for this conversation.

‘Well then, it's good that I didn't tell you the truth so soon.'

Now I'm in flames. Our eyes are speaking their own language, studying each other, trying to find out what the other's going to do next.

‘Do you hear yourself? You're so damn selfish you still don't regret lying to me,' I say through gritted teeth.

I manage to break the magnetic field between us and go put makeup on before I make his hair messier. Because despite my rage, there's something about the way my body craves his.

‘Are you telling me you didn't enjoy the past week?' he asks, dodging the question as if he senses what's going through me.

Low blow.

‘I hate that I feel so betrayed, Luc,' I confess, applying concealer under my eyes.

‘I know. I'm sorry and I'm sorry that your privacy was invaded too.'

‘How can you be sorry when you don't regret it?'

‘I'm sorry I hurt you, that was never my intention. But now that I know you wouldn't have given me a chance if I had told you the truth from the start, I don't regret it.'

‘God, you are …' I'm staring at him in the mirror.

‘Are you telling me you regret us?' he asks. ‘I don't know how you feel when we are together, but I can tell you I feel damn good.'

I feel my legs shaking, and the heat building between my thighs, but I don't dare give in to what he just said. At the same time I also can't deny the things it's doing to my heart.

‘Do you have any idea how much it means to me to open up to someone? To have that much intimacy with someone?' I say.

‘I'm aware.'

‘Are you really?'

‘Yes.'

His guilty face is everything, and at the same time nothing I want to see now. I'm still insanely mad at him.

I stop what I'm doing and close my eyes for a second. I hope that when I open them none of this will have happened.

‘You were supposed to leave. I'd miss you for a day or two, then I'd go back to my life. Maybe we'd talk again, maybe not. I'd never have to tell my friends I let you occupy such a big chunk of my time in the past week. They'd never have to find out on the news that I lied to them. And above all, I wouldn't be all over the news.'

‘Oh. That's it?' His face is clouded with disappointment and hurt.

‘Yes, that's it.' I'm evil and I know it.

‘Is that what you're worried about? Lying to your friends? Well, I won't take the blame for that. You judge me when you also lied,' his tone has changed, his face flushed with the heat of the sudden mood shift.

I think I finally managed to drive him crazy. And mad.

‘Just go, Luc.'

My heart protests against my mind and mouth. He's looking at me like he hasn't understood me right, but the way I stare back tells him he has.

‘Just so you know, the way I pictured things between us … it's nothing like the way you did,' he says.

I want to ask how he pictured it, but I don't. I'm not sure I want to know.

‘Anyways, I'm sorry again. I'll leave you to it. You know where to find me if you change your mind and decide to talk.'

What does he mean by change my mind? Is he for real?

‘By the way, I'm leaving on Monday,' he turns around and walks away, leaving me trapped with my own misery and anger.