Chapter 21

It was New Year's Eve, and I was panicking.

"Well, good, but there's no rush. And not to be a stickler, gorgeous, but you're not really ready when you don't even have your bow tie on," I pointed out while surreptitiously sliding Hugh's bow tie into a drawer and shoving it under several bundles of socks.

Hugh blinked like he'd momentarily forgotten what a bow tie was, then immediately launched into action and began looking around frantically. "Oh, god, you're right. Shoot, I just had it. Where could it have gone?"

"It's fine. The ceremony isn't until six," I reminded him lazily. "Plenty of time to find it."

Hugh glanced up from the open suitcase he was pawing through. "Babe, your mom wants you there at four for family pictures."

"Surely they don't need two hours for pictures."

Hugh let out a laugh and moved the bed pillows out of the way to look under them. "It's pretty standard, actually."

"Pfft. Says who?" I took my time buttoning my shirt. Not only were the plastic buttons tiny, but the parts that required studs were damned near impossible.

"Says the professional wedding photographer." He turned to me and frowned. "Since when do you not know how to work a tux? You've probably put this shirt on a hundred times in the past year alone." He stepped forward and took over from my procrastinating fingertips.

"We can be late," I suggested.

Hugh met my eyes in challenge. "You're family. Hyacinth specifically told me she wanted a picture with her big brother."

I sighed and closed my eyes in defeat, then tried a new angle, leaning in to sniff his neck. "Mmm. Fuck, you smell good. I think we have time for a quickie."

He pressed a kiss to my cheek, lingering there for a few long beats. I drank in the warmth and familiar scent of him.

When he pulled back, his expression was one of enamored patience. "C'mon. Only one more wedding and you'll be done for the year. You won't have to go to any more until next year."

I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hands to put them back on my button job. "Cornball New Year's jokes? I think we should go ahead and break up now to spare me the humiliation of being seen with you tonight."

I'd meant it as a joke, but it fell flat and hard like a stack of newspapers dropped from a great height. My fears were like the pages scattering, half-torn, in every direction. I scrambled to grab them back. "Sorry. Sorry. Stupid joke."

His expression softened. It was still full of enamored patience, but now it was tinged with pity. I wasn't sure if it was pity for me or for himself. Either way, it grated.

"You're right. We should go," I said quickly, focusing on the stupid buttons and studs. My fingers accidentally scattered two of the studs on the lush bedroom carpet, and I dropped to my hands and knees to find them.

I could feel Hugh's eyes on my ass before he spoke. "Maybe a quickie is a good idea after all," he said with a teasing smile in his voice. "You make a compelling argument."

My hands shook as I reached for one of the studs. There was no way I'd be able to get naked and vulnerable with him right now without revealing feelings I needed desperately to keep inside.

"No, you're right. Family photos. I don't want to let anyone down." Hugh's admonishment to me to let my family in, to accept their love, had hit me right in the gut. He was right… but then again, he usually was about things like family and love.

I'd tried to take his advice to heart and treat the Flower Family like, well, like my own.

It wasn't easy. But I was making an effort.

I stood up and pulled the bow tie out of my drawer and handed it to him. He looked from the drawer to the tie and back to me but didn't ask any questions. In fact, Hugh was surprisingly chill, considering tonight was our final night as boyfriends.

He was supposed to be the devastated one, and I was supposed to be the one who was fine with it, the one who would relish getting my solo status back.

"Um, I…" I felt like I couldn't get enough air in my lungs, so I paused to take in an extra breath. "Lesya booked me a trip to Wyoming."

He focused on his image in the mirror over my dresser while he flipped one end of the silk tie over the other. "You going to see Boone and Richard?"

I swallowed. "Yeah. I'm, ah… I'm going to go next week. Stay for a bit."

A muscle ticked in Hugh's jaw, but otherwise, he didn't seem bothered by my announcement. "Oh. Great. That'll be nice. I'm sure they'll enjoy seeing you."

"You… you're…" I didn't even know what I was asking. Why did he sound so cool with it? I was leaving him. It was my way of making sure we actually ended this thing. Otherwise, I'd stick around and delay the inevitable end. "Yeah."

"Rafa mentioned going away for a long weekend in January too. I think I might take him up on it. Go somewhere warm though. I'm not sure Wyoming in the middle of winter sounds all that appealing."

I pictured Hugh and his beautiful roommate wearing nothing but tiny swimsuits, lying stretched out and sun-lit on a beachside chaise. There would be steel drum band music and fruity cocktails. If I knew Rafa, there would also be a never-ending supply of Grindr hookups nearby.

"Great," I said, not meaning it at all.

When we were both fully dressed, we made our way to the event barn at the back of the property. Birch and the rest of the siblings, with the exception of Hyacinth, were gathered with the photographer over by a snowy split-rail fence. Sage waved me over. "There he is. About damned time."

"I'm not late," I grumbled, pulling Hugh by the hand. When his hand slipped out of mine, I turned back to see what had happened.

"I'm going to see if I can help with the setup inside," he said softly.

"But the pictures…"

He reached out to straighten my bowtie. "The pictures are for family. Go be part of the family, Oscar."

I wanted to argue, to keep him with me. To put him front and center in every single photograph so I could never forget that, once upon a time, for the briefest instant, Hugh had almost been mine.

But he was right again, of course. Hugh wasn't mine. I couldn't keep him, even if I wanted to. I shouldn't give either of us false hope about that.

I ignored the stab of pain just below my breastbone. "Save me a seat?"

Like before, Hugh pressed a long kiss to my cheek, just in front of my ear. "Take a deep breath and remember this is a joyful celebration. Give your sister the gift of your handsome smile in the pictures, okay? Have mercy on the poor photographer."

His voice was full of repressed humor. I already knew he thought I appeared scowly in wedding photos, and I'd tried explaining it was because weddings were the opposite of my favorite.

Hugh pulled back and smirked at me. "You're not in the dentist's chair."

That was enough to bring a smile to my face, not because of the joke but because he was just my fucking favorite person to look at. I leaned in again and kissed him on the lips, taking every opportunity to imprint his taste on my tongue.

Two hours later, when I felt like I'd actually rather be in the dentist's chair than pose for another photo, it was finally time to enter the barn for the ceremony. My mother had sent Hugh to call us all inside, so I was able to glom onto him once again.

As he approached from the open barn doors, he looked happy. "You look familiar. Did we meet at a wedding before?"

My heart tripped over itself, but I tapped my lip and pretended to consider this. "Mmm. Seven out of ten for originality."

Hugh grinned. "Wait till you see how gorgeous it is inside," he gushed. "They did such a good job. It's like something from a farm chic magazine. Fairy lights, chandeliers wrapped in fresh flowers, candles everywhere… it's like this perfect blend of casual elegance and warm welcome. So like your sister. And someone put together a slideshow. There are pictures of her in her dance costumes as a teen."

Sure enough, when we walked in, a large screen hung from the back wall, and an overhead projector was currently playing a slideshow. Photos of Hyacinth and Dirk elicited "awwwws" and laughter from the growing crowd of guests. Hugh stopped and stared as a photo of me and Hyacinth popped up from over ten years ago.

"It's baby Oscar," he said reverently, reaching over to take my hand. "Look how scrawny you were."

"I was twenty-eight," I said. "Manly. Strong. Buff."

He leaned over and kissed my cheek, never taking his eyes off the slideshow. "Sure you were, babe. That's what I meant. Look how virile you were."

The edges of his lips were turned up in an affectionate smile, and I wondered if I'd ever dated anyone other than possibly Boone who would be so enraptured by an old photo of me.

"Christ, is that you?" he asked with a muted gasp when another old shot popped up. "I didn't notice it before. And look at Marigold! Thank god she no longer has that piercing."

"It got infected. It was a whole thing," I muttered, watching the flash of photos. Some were old enough to have been taken in the apartment building we lived in when we'd met, when I'd become a babysitter of sorts and the kids were even more chaotic than they were now as adults.

We watched the photos as the guests streamed past us and took their places in the rows of folding chairs set up for the ceremony.

When it was clear the ceremony was ready to begin, Hugh tugged me into the row with the rest of my siblings. I took a seat next to Jasmine and pulled Hugh down in the seat on the other side, next to Sage's girlfriend.

It was the first time in my life I'd ever sat through a wedding ceremony next to someone I cared about. It was the first time I'd held hands with a man while I listened to two people vow to love each other through thick and thin. And it was the first time I felt like I was personally invested in the happiness of a beloved sister as she beamed up at her now-husband.

Jasmine sniffed and reached for my free hand, clutching it tight and leaning into my shoulder. "I want that," she whispered in a wobbly voice. "What she has."

I nodded stiffly and tried not to look at Hugh. Emotions battered me from all sides. I wanted it too. I wanted it so much. But I also knew the pain of it ultimately failing, which was what I'd tried so hard to avoid.

Hugh pulled his hand out of mine but quickly moved it to rub across my upper back as the bride and groom made their way back down the aisle and out into the winter night, presumably for more photos.

I turned to give Jasmine a big hug. "You'll find it one day," I said into the side of her fancy updo.

She pulled back to look at me before glancing over my shoulder at Hugh and back to me with a knowing smile. "I hope so."

I was grateful she didn't make a verbal comment about my relationship with Hugh, but her thoughts were still clear in her expression. She assumed I'd finally found my own happily ever after, and she was happy for me.

All I could do was nod while that stabbing pain hit me in the chest once again.

When Jasmine turned and stood up to give her dad a hug, I swiveled back to Hugh. Once again, he surprised me. Instead of looking emotional and softly sentimental, he appeared calm and confident. His quiet steadiness was exactly what I needed.

"That was a lovely ceremony," he said.

"Yes. Dirk's a good guy. I'm happy for them."

Hugh reached up to brush an errant strand of hair from my forehead, a move he'd done countless times. Every time he did it, the gesture reminded me of how incredible it felt to be on the receiving end of physical affection and tender care.

I leaned in and kissed him, long and slow. When I finished, his mouth tilted up in a grin. "Feeling lovey?" he teased.

"Feeling some kind of way," I admitted with a smile. "Thank you for being here with me. Not… not because I needed someone, but because I… I'm glad it's you. I enjoy your company and…"

His smile widened. "Same," he said before stopping my stammering with another kiss. "Let's go get a drink before you accidentally propose to me."

He stood up with a little chuckle. Implying my rare display of emotion would have ever ended up in a declaration of love was clearly a joke in his mind, but he had no idea how close he was to the truth.

Inside, I was reeling. I felt the same way Jasmine did, but my feelings were overlaid by panic and desperation due to the ticking time bomb of our stupid agreement.

This feeling made me want to do something, make a declaration or stop time, anything to get Hugh to realize that this wasn't any kind of pretend for me any longer.

As the night went on and we hung out with family, ate the lavish sit-down dinner Dirk had meticulously planned, and danced to the live band on the stage at the far end of the wooden dance floor, I began to realize the something I wanted to do was find a way to keep this.

To keep Hugh.

The sound of his laughter as he watched Marigold dance with our niece Rosette was one of many moments that easily scaled the high fences I'd tried to erect for my own protection. There were many others. The look on his face as Birch toasted his "precious daughter." The taste of champagne and buttercream frosting on his mouth as he smacked a kiss on me at midnight. The heat of his lower back against my hand as I held him while we slow danced to "Auld Lang Syne."

Was I really going to give this up tomorrow… out of fear that I might have to give it up someday?

In business, I'd learned the concept of future forecasting early on—analyzing historical data to anticipate outcomes. But I'd always scoffed at those who liquidated their assets because they were afraid of a potential downturn. And I'd never, not once, decided the world was so risky I needed to stop investing entirely.

So why was I doing that with Hugh?

And Jesus, suddenly, I sounded like Lesya and Boone and James… which probably meant I'd been acting like an idiot for a while now, and everyone saw it but me.

But never let it be said that Oscar Overton failed to capitalize on a golden opportunity when it came across his desk… or nestled warmly and comfortingly in his arms. Never let it be said that I couldn't learn from my damn mistakes.

"Come home with me," I murmured into Hugh's ear during the last dance.

The easy rumble of his laugh made me smile. "Isn't that a given? I'm kind of a sure thing."

"I wasn't sure. I wanted to make it clear that I want you to stay."

Once again, Hugh seemed to be more relaxed than I would have expected. With the wedding ending and New Year's Day officially here, I assumed he'd be tense and emotional. The fact that he was so calm unnerved me.

Didn't he care? Wasn't he upset this was ending tomorrow? Had I read him wrong?

I'd assumed he'd want more, want our fake boyfriendship to continue as a real relationship, but what if that wasn't the case? What if Hugh was completely fine with the return to our status quo? Text friendship or, worse, nothing at all?

After we said goodbye to my family and my mother reminded me for the tenth time about the casual New Year's breakfast buffet back here in the barn in the morning, Hugh and I set off across the snowy lawn toward my house.

"That was fun," Hugh said, swinging my hand and glancing up at the stars in the clear black sky.

It was cold as fuck in the winter night air, but my body was still plenty warm from drinking and dancing. "I'm glad. Thanks again for coming with me."

He glanced over at me. "Your family is pretty terrific. By the way, Hyacinth overheard you calling her your ‘gorgeous sister, the bride' to one of the guests. No step. She got a little teary."

I ducked my head. "She was so happy tonight, wasn't she? I think they'll do well together."

Hugh's gaze warmed the side of my face. I could see the teasing grin out of the corner of my eye. "What?" I asked without looking at him. I could tell he was in a teasing mood.

"Did you have fun at a wedding? Am I sensing a miracle here?"

I fought a smile. "Absolutely not. And if you imply otherwise, I'll toss you in the frozen pond and leave you to fend for yourself. How dare you malign my reputation like that?"

His soft laughter carried through the frigid air on a white vapor cloud. "I've got a cheesy pickup line for you?—"

"Was it about meeting at a wedding earlier? Because you already tried that one, and I agree. Cheesy as hell. I had to rate it on a pity curve."

Hugh shoved my shoulder. "That wasn't cheesy. That was a solid nine out of ten, for… for… specificity and charisma."

I laughed out a cloud of steam. "Sure it was, baby."

"The line I'm referring to is ‘I'm not a photographer, but I can picture us together.'" Hugh waggled his eyebrows at me suggestively. "Get it?"

A green fog of jealousy came out of nowhere and curdled my gut. "Who said that to you?" I glanced back at the barn where several guests still milled around, chatting and laughing. "Who?"

Hugh's eyes widened as we both stopped walking. "To me? No one. I read it on a wedding photography blog last week. I waited all night to use it on you but never found the right moment."

"Oh." I dropped my eyes to the ground, feeling foolish and deservedly so. I rubbed my aching chest. Falling in love was a lot like experiencing a cardiac event. "Yeah. That's a good one."

Hugh cupped the sides of my neck with his warm hands and tilted my chin up with his thumbs. "You okay? You seem kind of…" He shrugged.

I stepped forward and reached under his jacket for his hips to pull him closer. "I want to be with you."

My mouth couldn't form the words to explain what I really meant. That I meant more than just tonight. I was too on edge to explain it, to talk through the details of whatever it would mean, but that was what I meant.

I wanted to be with him. For real. For love. For… ever.

Hugh's face relaxed into a tender smile. "Ten out of ten," he breathed. "Nailed it." And then he leaned forward and kissed me with cold lips and a colder nose.

When I was in his arms, Hugh made me feel like I had nothing to fear. That nothing in this world could hurt me the way I feared.

Maybe it would be okay if I let go for tonight. If I allowed myself to love and be loved in return.

And tomorrow, I'd try to figure out how to be even braver and say the scariest words of all.