Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty

The pack stared at me as I walked to the river, one of my favorite spots to relax. We'd been back a month, but the weather was still frigid. It didn't bother me as I took off my boots and dipped my feet in the water. I'd listen to the birds sing while the pack stared and whispered.

Things were different now. Gone were the days I'd hide. The day after we returned, there was an exodus of about ten percent of the pack. My speech had hit home, and the members who disliked me fled. The ones left probably didn't hold any ill will toward me, but they kept their distance. I was like a god among them that they didn't quite know how to approach. I was okay with that.

They gave me my space, and I didn't encourage them to come any closer, not while I still didn't know what I'd become. There was no sense in forming more relationships with these people when I didn't know how long I'd be here. Even Evangeline and Buddie seemed hesitant, as if waiting for some cue from me on how to proceed. I couldn't give them something when I didn't know myself. Rastin still insisted on seeking me out whenever he could, as if bludgeoning me with his talks would somehow make me go back to normal.

Charlie waved to me from where he was playing with the kids. I waved back. He could sense the change in me too, although he seemed more willing to accept it.

Just last week he'd asked, "Why do you seem different?"

I'd told him, "I'm becoming tougher so that no one will ever run us out of our home again."

"When I can shift into a monster, I'll help you," he'd said. Then he'd smiled and gone back to playing.

He would, too, not that he was going to need to. No one would ever mess with him while I was alive.

I spotted Kicks heading toward me. No matter where I went in the afternoon, he seemed to seek me out. Maybe it was because he was no longer sleeping at the cabin, by my request. Either way, he'd come. Sometimes he'd sit silently and sometimes he'd force a conversation. It was a coin toss which I was getting today.

He settled in, close but not touching.

"You're going to get past this."

Just great. It was going to be a conversation day.

"I'm not getting past anything," I said. "I've realized what I'm willing to do to protect the people around me and accepted it. I made a deal. I'm not the person I was, and I'm okay with it, even if you aren't." The bottom line was that I'd have to be okay with it, because there was no backing out once I made a deal with Death.

" This isn't who you are."

"I don't think you realize who I am anymore. I'm not only accepting the change, I'm happy for it. You might not be, but I am. I'm okay with being the monster people fear if that's what this world requires." At least I'd be able to protect them, if nothing else.

"You'll never be a monster."

He said that now, but he didn't know what was coming, what Death would turn me into. I'd come to terms with it and would deal with what came. After what they'd done to Kicks, after they'd killed so many people the way they had, they all deserved it. I knew what Death needed me to be, and I wasn't delusional about the price that would be paid. He'd see me for what I was becoming eventually and stop trying to force the issue. I had to be ready for that. We all needed to be ready to accept I might not be me soon.

"Why would you come back if you were intent on living like this?" he asked. There was such sadness in his tone that the part of me still untouched wanted to reach out and comfort him. I would've if it wouldn't only prolong the hurt.

Instead I said, "It was the best option." I didn't add that it was for them. No one would touch them or their home, and being here was the best way to make sure of that, at least while I could.

His gaze was off in the distance, and I could tell my words, as practical and cold as ever, had cut him. That was okay. It was good, even. It might burn right now, but it would help him move on from me. I wouldn't be the woman for him after she was through with me. I wouldn't be the woman for anyone after this was all done.

"I know what you're doing, and it's not going to work," he said. "I won't give up on you. I know what you've been through, how helpless you've felt and how terrifying it was, but don't shut down every feeling. That's too high a price."

Hope flared in my chest, but I stomped it out quickly. If somehow I made it out of this retaining some of my humanity, then just maybe we could have a future. Right now, that seemed like a slim possibility. I could already feel the person I'd been getting pulled into the darkness growing inside.

"The price has already been agreed to. It's done and I'm not sorry for it. You need to let it go." My voice was steadier than I'd imagined I could make it.

"No." The word hit like a clap of thunder.

"Why?" I said, afraid he'd heard the crack in my voice with that one word.

"Because I can't." He tensed, looking like he wasn't even breathing anymore. He just stood there, the intensity nearly making me want to buckle and agree with him.

The darkness inside me pulsed strong, trying to lure me with the comfort of numbness, to pull me away from the emotions that made me human.It would be so easy to let it take control, obliterate all this panic and fear running through me.

"I know it's not what you wanted," I said. "Still, you need to accept what lies ahead. I'll never be the person you need me to be, not now." He deserved someone whole, not me the way I was now, or what I'd become.

I could feel the tension pouring off him. "You are the only person I want, and if you think I'm going to give up, you don't know me."

He locked eyes with me, as if forcing me to accept his will. It took another moment before he turned and walked away.

It changed nothing. I'd done what I'd done and I didn't regret it. I'd live with the repercussions. He'd be alive and safe. Death would protect him, and I clung to that as I watched him retreat.

The darkness surged inside me, offering to obliterate the pain, but I pushed it back. If I could just make it through what came next, maybe, just maybe…

Death appeared beside me, watching Kicks' retreat.

Don't even look at him. He's off-limits, and so is anyone else in this pack unless I say otherwise.

"Who are you to give me orders?" she said.

I'm the only one who's going to reap your revenge, that's who.

She watched me, tilting her head to one side and then the other. "You're changing, human. Or should I even call you that anymore?"

Maybe I am.

"I like it."

At least one of us did.

Everything was going to change. Things had already shifted in me. I could feel it, and Kicks could too. I'd gambled my future to secure his and Charlie's, and it was a bargain I'd keep. Any hope I'd had for a happily ever after was dangling by the thinnest thread.

Look for book four of Life After Death Day later this year.