Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

Consciousness came slowly wrapped in my cocoon of warmth, the sun streaming through the trees and the birds chirping. It was so nice I didn't want to fully wake, but to stay in this feeling forever. Reality wouldn't let me, as Kicks' scent breached my peace and caused a well of panic to burst through me.

I realized why I was so toasty and comfortable and quickly rolled away, getting to my feet. "What are you doing? Why were you snuggling with me?"

Kicks sat up, stretching. "You were curled up into a ball, shivering. What was I supposed to do?"

"You should've let me freeze. How many bodies do you need to see turn gray? People drop like flies around me. You can't do that!"

"Your teeth were rattling so loud it was keeping me awake." He got to his feet, cracking his neck, as if he didn't have a care in the world. "You won't kill me," he said on a yawn.

"And why are you so sure?"

"Because you like me." He smirked.

I wasn't sure if he remained untouched because I liked him so much or because she liked him. If it was her, that could change in a second. Death struck me as a fickle bitch.

"This isn't a joke. I could've killed you." I looked down, making myself busy looking for embers to smother in a fire that had been dead for hours.

"Pips, it's okay," he said, shedding the teasing tone. "You're not going to hurt me."

"Yeah, sure." It wasn't okay, and after yesterday, I wasn't sure anything was going to be okay.

For a little while there, I'd thought that even if Kicks and I didn't end up having a love story, we'd at least have a decent life together. Maybe a friendship and peaceful existence. It had been a foolish thought. Before him, I'd thought I was going to be able to make a life at Groza's pack. I was beginning to think of my life was a stand-up routine for God. He was probably laughing in the aisles at this point.

I tossed down my stick and turned to face Kicks. I'd barely spoken last night. It was pointless to even continue on with him today. I knew what had to happen. There was nothing left to do but get the hurt over with.

"I'm not going back with you."

He'd been rolling up the blanket but froze. "What are you talking about? Of course you are."

"No. I'm not."

He looked too surprised to be hurt yet, but that would come. Unless he felt relieved. Either way, by the time this conversation was done, he'd probably be grateful I'd left of my own devices.

"You'd leave Charlie?" He spoke to me like he didn't even know who I was.

"I have to." My voice cracked.

What else could I do? I couldn't stop her, or her plans. What would happen if this stole all my humanity and left nothing but a monster? What would become of Charlie? My leaving might be the only thing that would save him.

Kicks took a few meaningful steps toward me. "I won't leave you out here alone, so you better tell me what's going on."

I'd had a feeling that this was the way it would go down. He really wouldn't let me go until he heard the horrible truth. It was the only way he'd see this was the way it had to be. In truth, I'd wanted to tell him for so long. The only thing restraining me was the fear of his knowing what haunted me. The disgust I'd see in his eyes.

"You're right. You have to know." Keeping it from him wasn't going to change it. No, it was time to deal with the inevitable."I need some guarantees before I tell you." I sat on the nearest boulder, feeling defeated because that was what I was. By telling him, I was accepting the fact that I wasn't going to be able to stop her. I'd lost.

"I'll try to do whatever you need," he said, not hesitating.

I'd known he would. He'd probably do what I needed without my asking because that's who he was. Part of me needed to hear the words anyway. I didn't want an ounce of doubt in my mind that Charlie would be taken care of.

"I need to know you'll take care of Charlie, protect him like he's your own." Kicks would be a good dad. He'd do what he had to for Charlie, protect him. Hell, he'd probably thought I was killing off his pack, and he'd protected me.

He grabbed my shoulders in a firm grip, dragging me up. "What do you imagine is going to happen to you?"

"I need you to promise to care for Charlie first, and then I'll tell you everything." I had to have those words from his lips. He'd honor his promise, no matter what he might think after he heard the truth. He was honorable, much more than I'd ever realized or could've hoped for.

"I give you my word I'll care for him. Now tell me why you think you won't be around." Kicks was still holding me, and it was clear he wasn't letting go until I spilled everything. "Pips, tell me ."

"I didn't kill Zetti or Louise, and it's not a guess or because Fifo said it. I know I didn't."

Here was the tough part. How much could one person hear before they went running and screaming from you? I didn't know when it had happened, how it had happened, but he'd become my anchor, my security, my comfort. I didn't want to see him look at me with revulsion.

"You might not believe this, but I've wanted to tell you since the moment I knew. I'm not sure you'll want to hear it, though." I wrapped my arms around myself. "It's…terrifying, and that's coming from someone who lived through Death Day and can kill with a touch. I'm not exaggerating this." He'd want to know, just as I would. Kicks wasn't one to stick his head in the sand. It was one of the things I admired and respected about him. He'd take the hard truth, no matter how ugly, over a prettily wrapped-up lie. It was more of a warning to prepare him for what I was sure he'd choose.

"Tell me anyway," he said.

I looked around, wondering if Death would appear, and decided it didn't matter anyway.

"Shortly after the ritual that changed me, the one we did in Groza's garden, something happened. In addition to seeing some dead people and being able to kill people, I started seeing something that wasn't a ghost, that wasn't ever human or shifter or of this world."

I shuddered, thinking back to the first time I'd seen Death, walking toward the dead body. It seemed even worse now, maybe because part of her was inside of me.

"I'm not sure what you'd call her, but I call her Death. Maybe most would call her the Grim Reaper. I don't know what her true name is, as I've never asked. I hear her when she's coming, and then I see her go to the dead and collect their souls. But she doesn't just come for them anymore. She talks to me as well. She's the one who's been killing people around me."

He let go of me and stood still for a second. He didn't look scared, exactly, but he was a far cry from his typical at-ease appearance.

"You're saying Death killed my pack members?" he asked. "You're sure this thing you're seeing is Death?"

It sounded insane. Maybe he wouldn't think of me as a monster, more criminally insane. Was that better or worse?

"Yes. I'm sure." I hadn't thought I'd have to convince him. I'd been so concerned with his being disgusted or terrorized, his not believing it had never occurred to me.

"When do you see her?" he asked. He ran a hand over his shadowed jaw.

What if I couldn't convince him? Then what? How did I prove this?

"I've seen her every time someone has been about to die in my presence, except the ones she killed through me or I killed. When I hear those steps, I know someone is about to pass on." I shuddered just thinking of it.

"You know she's coming before someone dies?"

I nodded. "I hear booming steps before it happens. It's like hearing the footsteps of God, it's so loud."

He tilted his head slightly, narrowing his eyes. "Wait a second. That's how you knew my guy was going to die at that dinner when he had the accident?"

I nodded, having forgotten that he'd picked up on how spooked I was that night.

His lips parted on an almost-silent gasp. It was a small enough sign but the equivalent of someone else shrieking. I'd finally found something that shocked Kicks.

"So…Zetti?" he asked.

"Death wanted it to look like me, but she killed her. She killed Louise and Blondie too. She kills anyone she thinks might be a threat to me. She wants me alive so she can use me."

Kicks looked at me then took a few steps to walk about the area, trying to digest it all. He could have days if he needed, because this was one tough pill to swallow.

He finally turned back to me. "I just want to make sure I'm very clear on this. She didn't just collect Zetti's soul, but actually killed her?"

"She killed her. She wanted her dead, and she killed her."

"Do you know why she'd want to set it up to make it look like you were killing these people?" It seemed like he was going along with what I'd said, but he was definitely struggling down the path as he went.

"She wanted these deaths to look as if they were caused by me. She wants to use me as a tool to send a message. I guess it's a little hard to do that when you can't communicate directly." The more I told him, the easier it felt. I'd been holding on to this for so long that letting it go was like shoving an elephant off my chest.

"What message?" he asked.

Each new part he heard might be one more step toward his disbelieving me, and yet I couldn't stop talking now. I wanted it all out there.

"She said that the people behind Death Day took something from her. I don't really understand anything about that, but it's what she said. She wants to use me somehow to get retribution or revenge. I don't know every detail. It's not like I seek out these conversations with her. When I do see her, I want her to leave as soon as possible."

He nodded. "What exactly did she say? Repeat everything you remember."

I tried to go through every conversation I'd had with her, repeating it as best as I could. By the time I was done, Kicks was sitting on a fallen log, looking as confused and confounded as me for once. It was a lot better than the disgust I'd expected. It was almost nice to have someone experience the overwhelming nature of this situation with me instead of feeling like I was out there drifting alone.

Kicks was silent for a while, and I sat down on a log, waiting for him to come to terms with it all.

Then he was up again, taking a few steps around as if it would help him figure this out. "The other deaths, were they her as well? The ones back at Groza's?"

"No. Those were me." Lumping them in had occurred to me for a second, but did it matter at this point? The whole mess was a nightmare, no matter what column the check went in.

"It was only a question, and don't think for a second I'm judging you for them," he said softly. "If you want to know the truth, I'm glad you can kill like that. That you can defend yourself. It puts my mind at ease."

I watched him, trying to catch a glimpse of some hidden feelings. "I don't understand why you aren't revolted by me."

"Why would I be?" he asked, as if that question stumped him more than anything else I'd said.

The relief of getting it all off my chest was fading as the reality of leaving Charlie rushed in behind it. And leaving Kicks. That reality was hurting worse than I'd imagined. I grabbed my canteen, taking a sip and wishing it was whiskey or something stronger to numb some of the pain.

"At least you see why I have to leave now," I said.

"I'm not letting you leave. It's a death—"

"Sentence?" I scoffed. "No one is killing me. She'll keep me alive." I wouldn't be dead until she was done with me. I wasn't sure what would be left of me at that point.

"No. We'll figure something out," he said, as dug in as ever.

I'd never met anyone more stubborn than me until him.

"There is no figuring this out. What happens when there's another death? And another after that? I'll be driven out or killed. Well, attempted to be killed." Who knew how many people Death would kill if she perceived them as a threat? She wanted me and was going to use me whether I was on board with her plans or not. That was the problem. There was no way out of this. I was trapped.

He froze. "You really think that I'd let anyone threaten you?"

"What are you going to do? You're their alpha, but a pack has its limits. Someone else will die. There's no stopping her. She's going to do this, and she's going to use me." I got to my feet, standing in front of him.

"You're my mate. If you leave, I leave. There's no negotiation." His hands were on my shoulders, as if he thought I'd try to run now.

"Why do this to yourself and your pack? You need to let me leave." It was hard enough to do it when I didn't want to. Fighting for him to let me leave was sapping my strength to do it.

"I can't. Don't ask me why, but I can't." His whole body was tense, and I didn't doubt that he'd fight me if I tried to leave.

Maybe it was his honor. Maybe he did care for me to some degree. No matter what the cause, it didn't change anything.

"You know this isn't going to work."

"There's someone in New Mexico we need to go see. It's a long shot, but I think we should go there before any decisions are made."

"Who is it?"

"Someone that might be able to help. Like I said, it's a long shot, but we need to try it."

Was he grasping? The longer this dragged on, the harder it was going to be to leave. I barely had the strength to do it now.

"I just—"

His hands shifted into my hair as his mouth came down on mine. I'd never been kissed with such a raw intensity that it stole my thoughts, my will to push him away.

"We wait," he said.

"Okay." I nodded, knowing he was using everything in his arsenal against me, but I was too weak to walk away. I didn't want to walk away.