Chapter 32

Going home felt odd. While she was in the hospital, she learned she was getting medically discharged from the Marines. That information didn’t bother her as much as she’d thought something like that would.

The reality of the situation was she didn’t have the mental or emotional power to serve as a Marine in any capacity. The package she was offered was generous, and she was glad she had months of sessions with a psychologist paid for by the military.

Because she’d been discharged, she had to come up with a place to live. California was expensive, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to leave the area. She could live in South Carolina, Virginia, or go to Texas, but she didn’t want to leave Harry.

Maybe it was shortsighted of her to hang onto their relationship so tightly. They had been friends for a few weeks, and then they’d had sex. The night after sex, she’d been taken from her bed and ripped away from everything she’d ever known.

While she’d been taking care of being discharged and all the other stuff going on, they’d texted every day and talked on the phone a few times. They hadn’t discussed anything deep, mostly her travel plans and what he’d done that day. Each night, she lay in bed thinking of him. Was hanging too much of her future on Harry? Would they ever be more? One thing was for certain, talking to him felt good.

She decided to spend a month, maybe two, in San Diego. Then, she would make up her mind where she wanted to go. She’d flown in on Wednesday and checked her stuff in the storage facility where her items had been moved after she’d been rescued, and it had been clear she wouldn’t return to active duty.

Harry was meeting her on Saturday and she looked forward to seeing him. Most important on her list was trying to figure out how to deal with life. Being held captive and then set free was complicated. Trust was a struggle. Her life had been turned upside down, and now she had to work out what that meant.

The two sessions with the psychologist did little to bring healing. Both Toovey and Laelyn were in prison and wouldn’t be getting out any time soon, but the memories of being taken and dragged away from her family and friends still haunted her. The therapist would help, but it would take a long time.

They were meeting at a park not too far from Harry’s place. She had no idea why she’d suggested the park, but she thought it would give them more privacy than a restaurant, and she wouldn’t feel the pressure of being in his space.

She saw him get out of his car. When she opened the door to her car, he spied her and started walking toward her. He looked so good, nearly perfect. He didn’t need her crap dragging him down. She was broken, and he was wonderful. She should let him go. He could have a normal life with some perfectly nice woman, and he wouldn’t have to deal with her bullshit.

He didn’t stop when they drew close. Instead, he pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head before stepping back. His gaze held hers, and the intensity was almost too much.

“How was your week?” Harry asked.

Laughter rose, but it wasn’t light and airy laughter. It sounded more like a croak from a frog. “Better than a few weeks ago.”

He held her gaze and didn’t wince at her failure of a joke. He leaned in and brushed his lips over her cheek.

“You look amazing,” Harry said.

She almost choked on the snort that came out. “I look like shit.”

“No, you don’t. You are beautiful. I gotta say, the moment I saw you on that aircraft carrier, I thought I would drop. You were the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Tears welled in her eyes, and she wanted to do something mean. What was wrong with her? He was trying, and she wanted to hurt him. She knew it was from the trauma she suffered. He didn’t deserve to be treated like crap, but she wanted to treat him that way. She wanted to tell him he was a bastard and that she didn’t need his pity, but he wasn’t offering pity. He was offering truth. No question, her crap would ruin him. If he made a life with her, she would drag him down. It was better for him to walk away.

He reached out and cupped her cheek. “I’m really here for you.”

His words broke her, and tears filled her eyes. “I’m messed up.”

“Let’s sit and talk. ”

She followed him over to a bench, and they settled, him sitting turned a little in the seat and her looking straight on. The attention was almost too much. She didn’t really want attention. She wanted to be able to shrink into the background and hide. Drawing attention had gotten her in trouble. But Harry wasn’t letting her get away with shrinking away. He took her hand and held it, making her feel like she had an anchor in the storm.

After staring at their hands with their fingers woven together, she glanced over and met his gaze. “Why would you want me?”

He didn’t hesitate. “Because I fell for you before you were taken and nothing they did has changed my mind or my feelings. I know you had some shit happen, and it changed you. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

She closed her eyes, trying not to fall apart. “What if I can’t have sex?”

“Rory, you’re more to me than a sex toy. If all I wanted was sex, I could find that somewhere else. I want a relationship with you. The best times I spent with you were running and talking. We weren’t banging all the time. We were just hanging out. We got along well. I think we can get to a place where we’re both happy.”

She snorted at his words, thinking they were incredibly shortsighted. “I don’t know that I’ll ever be happy again.”

He pulled her close and hugged her. She didn’t resist. Instead, she leaned into him. Her throat closed even more. What was she even doing? She would never be fit enough for a relationship. Did she even deserve one?

“I’m going to fight for you even when you give up. What happened was wrong and has nothing to do with your value. You are a good person who is good for me.”

She pulled out of his arms and stood. He didn’t move, which was good. If he’d tried to move closer or reach for her, she might have run off.

“I can’t get over it.” Her words were crisp and filled with all the pain still residing inside.

“I’m not asking you to. I’m not asking you to do anything other than let me love you.”

She shook her head, anger filling her. He didn’t understand. She had to make him see. “But why? I’m trash.”

That got him to stand. He cupped her cheeks and held her face so she either had to shut her eyes or stare at him. The intensity burned, and she wanted to look away. Anger and fear, as well as disgust at herself, swirled inside. She wanted to yell at him and tell him he didn’t know. He didn’t know how bad it had gotten. He didn’t know the awful things she’d done or had done to her.

“You are not trash. You are a human who has value. You have worth. That worth goes beyond what I feel or say about you. You are good and perfect, and you should have good things.”

Tears slid down her cheeks, and he pulled her close and held on. Her mind warred with his words. She’d survived while in captivity, but now she couldn’t get past what had happened. It was fucking with her mind, making her doubt everything. How could this have happened to her if she had any value?

A part of her wanted to cling to Harry, and another part wanted to push away and tell him to leave her alone. She couldn’t stand herself because of everything that had happened. How could Harry stand being around her?

“Why are you settling for me when you could have anyone?” Rory whispered, but maybe she spoke louder than she thought because Harry pushed her to arm’s length and held her gaze.

“Being with you will never be settling. You aren’t the sum of what happened to you. We haven’t talked about exactly what they did or how they treated you, but Rory, I’ve seen enough of those situations to know the women who are in those places are valuable people who were treated horrendously by monsters. What that jerk did doesn’t reflect on you. You are someone beyond what happened.”

She shook her head. “I just can’t get the things he did out of my mind.”

“And that’s why you’re going to therapy and going to keep working on healing.”

He was being impossible with his hope for her future, and she wanted to show him she wasn’t worth his time.

“What if I can’t ever get over it and can’t do anything other than sit in a room and cry all day? You deserve better.”

“If all you do is cry all day, then we’ll buy you plenty of tissues and make sure you have comfortable pillows you can flop your body over.”

His suggestion was so ridiculous that laughter bubbled up. “But I won’t be doing anything.”

“You don’t have to do stuff to be valuable. You just being you is enough.”

She blew out a breath. “I want to get better, but I have these thoughts that are still in my head.” She tugged at her hair, wishing she could pull the bad thoughts out.

“Coming home is a shock. I know people think after something traumatic, they should be able to fit into the same hole they filled before. But what you went through changed your shape. It’s like that toddler’s shape-sorter puzzle. You used to be a circle, and now you’re a star. Both shapes are valid, but you need to find the place you fit.”

She stared down at the ground, worry filling her. “What if the fit I have now means I won’t be with you? ”

He lifted her chin again and stared into her eyes. “If we’re together, that’s great. But I want you to live a good, fulfilling life that is pleasing to you. If that means you are not with me, that’s okay. I don’t expect anything from you. I want you to find a good place for you, not because you feel indebted to me or responsible for my feelings. I want you to succeed and I’m always going to love you.”

His words were too much. He was being too selfless. She clung to him as more sobs filled her. That someone could want the best for her without wanting something from her was too difficult to swallow.

Harry held her up, keeping her close as emotions ran over her, poking her in all the rough places that still hurt from what she’d suffered. Maybe she would heal, and life could happen again for her. Harry gave her hope. Now, she had to find a way to move toward hope and away from the despair that had settled on her in that hellhole she’d endured.