Chapter 89
Juno
It almost seemed as if nothing had happened as I sat at our usual table in our favorite cafe to drink tea with my best friend again. Kit was staring at me with curiosity but she was waiting patiently for me to explain.
"You look like you've had a rough few days. Are you okay?" she asked, no doubt referring to getting stuck on the island and almost drowning.
"I will be, I think. I… I was in good hands," I replied, not sure how to talk about it, but knowing that I didn't want to say anything bad about Jack.
"Sounds like he really looked out for you. I've been following the news as much as it will tell me. You looked happy. Happier than I've seen you in a very long time." Kit put her drink down and leaned forward to study me. "But you're not now."
I looked away, not sure I wanted her to see so deeply into me. Since I'd gotten back from the island I hadn't known what to feel. It was still so raw.
"Do you want to talk about it? You know I won't push you. You definitely didn't seem ready the last time I saw you, but would it be so bad to open up a little?" she asked, her voice gentle. "I know you've kept a lot of what happened with you and Greg to yourself, but whatever this is or was, talking about it might help. And we both know that my love life is entirely non-existent right now. I might as well be here for yours instead."
I caught her smile and considered what to tell her. She was trying to be there for me and it had clearly not worked keeping everything about my relationship with Greg on the down low. And I appreciated that she hadn't demanded an answer the last time I'd seen her.
"He was amazing in lots of ways, but I never felt as if I belonged in his world." I shook my head, thinking back to how much I'd spent on clothes to try and fit in, not being sensible at all.
"Did he act like you had to fit in?"
"No," I replied. "If anything, he seemed to appreciate that I was different. Other than a few of his friends, no one seemed to like me, though. They all thought I wasn't…"
"When have you ever let the opinions of people with more money than sense stop you from doing what you thought was best for you?" She put her tea down again and stared at me. "It sounds to me like you let your fears get the better of you. And I understand why you might. The hurricane alone sounded terrifying."
"Oh, it was." I shuddered as I thought about it again and how scared I had been in the underground room with Jack. But then I thought about how little I had felt scared whenever he was with me and had his arms wrapped around me.
Every time I had been scared, it had been when he was absent or someone or some other event had made me scared. He had made me feel safe.
It had been so long since I felt safe because of another person that I had forgotten what it felt like. Everyone should have someone who respected you, cared for you, and wanted to make sure you were okay, but I had been with Greg for so long that I'd grown used to fear.
"Are you worried that you're not ready for another relationship?" Kit asked after a little while.
Although I wasn't completely sure, I nodded. It was a strange situation to be in and I knew that I was still more easily triggered by anger and aggression. I knew I was still getting panic attacks and struggling with certain aspects of life, but again, that was something I had kept to myself.
"Why don't you tell him some of this? Tell him you're scared and worried that you don't fit in. If he's as nice as he sounds, he'll be understanding and might even ask to take things slower with you as well."
Once again, Kit seemed to be spouting all the wisdom in the world, and it made some sense, but I remembered what I had said to him, and I was pretty sure that he was never going to forgive me. Somehow Kit made me feel as if the option might be open to me, however, if it was what I wanted.
"When did you get so wise about relationships?" I grinned now as well, and I saw the relief on her face as she sat back and picked up her tea again.
"I wouldn't say I'm that wise. All I really know for sure is that you appeared a lot happier and this life we get to live is too short to throw away not being happy. What can you lose by seeing him again and trying to make it work?"
Her words reminded me of my agent and how he had persuaded me to provisionally agree to do some publicity with the band. I still hadn't fully confirmed either way, and I filled Kit in on what my agent had planned and how oblivious he was to my pain.
"Agents have a habit of putting the money first, but your current one seems better than most. He'd understand if you told him you couldn't do it, and I think you know that. I don't want to tell you what you're feeling and that you don't know yourself best, but you should at least ask yourself why you let him persuade you to put yourself in the same place as Jack again."
It was yet another good point. Kit was right. I had let my agent convince me to do the shows, and I hadn't called to confirm or deny because I didn't dare admit to myself that I wanted to see Jack again. I wanted him to forgive me and make all the pain and hurt go away. Despite everything that happened, I wanted to feel safe again.
Even knowing all that, I knew I'd hurt Jack as well. He'd had a rough patch before me, too. It had been a leap from him to trust me, and I'd ruined that. As much as I was now willing to consider wanting him back, I had little hope he felt the same, and if anything, that made me hurt even more than before.
"I do want to do it," I said a few seconds later, looking up at Kit properly for the first time in several minutes. She smiled again, her expression full of warmth.
"If you need someone while you're out there, I'll be just a phone call away. Hopefully he will feel the same way you do. If not, he's an idiot for not appreciating you enough."
As Kit finished her tea and finished our conversation in the sweetest form of support I could have hoped for and just a little joking to help me relax, I let go of it all for now. I would do the promotional shows and see what happened.
And if I could do anything while I was out there to show Jack I'd never meant to hurt him and was sorry about everything, I wouldn't hesitate.