Chapter 5

Chapter Five

" C an I pet your doggie?"

It was Monday afternoon, and Vivian was in the backyard doing what it was she did every day, which wasn't much at all. She'd been sitting in the sun for the past hour, enjoying the fall warmth and quiet. She'd brought a book along, but hadn't managed to get past page three.

"What's your doggie's name?" Her niece Nora crept closer, blue eyes wide with interest. The little girl had given Vivian a wide berth since she'd been back in Montana, probably because she sensed just how nervous little people made Vivian. But a dog, it seemed, was enough to draw her in. Enough to engage this stranger who was her aunt.

"When I got her, she was named Lilith, but I call her Lily."

"Why?" Curious, Nora was now an inch or so away, her long blonde hair a mess of tangles that needed a brush. Badly. Sheesh, didn't her brother own one?

Lily raised her head, her ears forward and alert.

"I thought it matched her spirit more."

"Oh." A small frown marred Nora's forehead. "She has a ghost?"

"What?" Vivian smiled and laughed. "No. By spirit, I mean how she is as a dog. How she acts. What her personality is."

"Oh," the little girl repeated, toying with the ends of her hair. It was obvious she had no clue what the hell Vivian was getting at. "Can I pet her?"

"If she lets you."

"Daddy tolded me to always let animals sniff your hands because then they know that you're a good person." She glanced up at Vivian. "Is that what my spirit is?"

Vivian nodded. "Yes. That's it." She moved a bit. "Here, try."

Nora took one more step and held out her hand. Vivian wasn't sure if Lily was going to give her a sniff, let alone a chance to touch her, but the dog surprised her when she leaned forward and allowed her niece to stroke her head.

"Her hair feels like little wires." She giggled. "It tickles."

"She's got some terrier in her."

Nora bent closer. "Her eyes look like Bruin's."

"Who's Bruin?"

"My papa's cat."

Papa. Father. Vivian's father.

"Papa B says it's because Bruin is old and has already seen so much of the world." Nora smiled, though she never took her eyes off Lily. "Do you know my papa?"

Hands fisted. Loud belligerent voice. Slurred words. Anguish. Anxiety. Disappointment. Fear.

"Yes," she answered softly.

"He's my favorite papa."

Vivian kept quiet, and when Benton appeared, she let out a slow breath.

"Hey, squirt, I'm going to the barn to saddle up. Are you still coming along?"

"Yes!" Nora jumped and clapped her hands, which in turn made Lily growl low and burrow into Vivian's lap. The little girl didn't notice as she ran to her father and yanked on his arm. "Come on. Let's go." She looked over her shoulder. "Do you want to come with us? I get to ride my pony. Her name is Ken."

Surprised, and more than a little curious, Vivian got to her feet. She and Benton hadn't spoken much at all the past week. He'd been busy doing ranch things while most of the ranch hands, and Dallas, had been gone for over a week moving the cattle down to their winter pastures.

"Let me get this straight. You have a pony who is a girl?"

Nora nodded. "She's pretty. Her color is buckskin. Do you know what that is?"

"I do." She tried to hold in a laugh. "But her name is Ken?"

"Yep. My friends Cameron and Ryan have a snake named Eddie."

Vivian had no idea where this was going, but she was invested.

"And Cameron and Ryan are girls, and Bethany from Bible school says they have boy names. She teases them sometimes, but they don't care because their daddy tolded them that anyone can have any name they want. That even Eddie the snake is a girl, and she has a boy name. I wanted to name my pony Ken because I think it's a pretty name, and well…" She shrugged. "Barbie thinks Ken is pretty."

Benton tousled the top of Nora's head, an amused look on his face. "I didn't name the pony. I'm not that progressive."

"What does progressive mean, Daddy?"

Benton chuckled. "When you're old enough, you can look that one up in the dictionary."

"What's a dictionary?"

"It's like Google."

"Can I do the Google even though I'm not allowed on the computer?"

"When you're older. Now we should get going, squirt."

"Where are you off to?" Vivian asked.

"To Uncle Dallas's house," Nora answered.

"Uncle Dallas." Vivian looked at Benton. "You mean the foreman's home on the hill? You're saddling up for a five-minute ride?"

"No, silly. Uncle Dallas has a new house, and it's far away."

New house. Wait. What?

"Not too far," Benton added. "About a half-hour ride."

"Since when?"

Benton didn't answer Vivian right away, and that annoyed her. "What. It's some secret or something?"

"No, of course not." Benton shrugged. "I just didn't think he crossed your radar these days."

"He doesn't."

Liar.

"I think it's a perfectly normal question to ask, is all."

Benton watched her for a few moments. "He's been building himself a place not far from the jumping rock for a while now. We sold him the land years ago, but he finished up the house a few months back."

"And he has some horses and a donkey and chickens, and a barn dog named Pansy and even a goat that had babies." Nora was practically buzzing with excitement and twirled in a circle. "We get to feed them!"

How many times had Vivian looked out at the foreman's place, with its darkened windows, and wondered where he was? Or rather, who he was with? And all the while he'd been off somewhere else entirely.

"I didn't know," she said slowly.

"You didn't ask." Benton stepped back, voice light. "It's been a long time since you've been in a saddle. Why don't you come along? I could use some help feeding his animals."

She knew Dallas wasn't there. And a part of her wanted to see what kind of home he'd made for himself. Did it match the image she'd held in her mind for years? Of a home for the two of them?

"You coming?"

She jerked her head to the right and took in Nora's wide, hopeful eyes. "Sure," she answered softly. "Let me take Lily up to my room. I'll change and meet you at the barn."

Ten minutes later, she was in the tack room grabbing her old saddle, which was a miracle, she supposed. But then Benton had always had a hard time throwing things away.

Unlike me.

Benton brought out a mare for her named Sookie, a gentle roan who was easy to handle. Vivian had no problem getting her saddled and ready, and in no time, the three of them headed out toward the river.

Nora chattered the entire way up as they followed the river for twenty minutes or so until they reached the jumping rock. From there, they turned inward and followed a path through the trees, thick with pine and fir. The air was fresh here, and she inhaled it deeply as they continued climbing. Nearly ten minutes later, the trees began to thin, and they came to a clearing. Set up on a hill that overlooked the valley, it was a place she'd been to before. With Dallas .

There was a house a hundred yards back. Not too big, but not too small either. It was a two-story and featured a long porch that ran the length of the home, as well as large windows and shutters and a big double door for the entrance. Off to the right stood a new barn and two smaller paddocks. In the distance, the mountains sat like gentle giants, and the sky was soft blue with puffs of white clouds.

Vivian sat in her saddle, a lump in her throat so big, she wouldn't be able to talk or yell if a bear was coming at her. This was perfect. Beautiful. Heaven on earth. It was a home. It was meant for a family.

And it was all she'd ever wanted so long ago.

"Hey," Benton said, sidling up alongside her. "You okay? Enjoy the ride?"

"I'm good," she managed to say without sounding like an idiot. "It's not what I expected." She pasted a smile to her face. It was plastic, but whatever. She urged Sookie on. Once at the barn, she slid from her saddle and tied up her horse, then waited for Benton and Nora before she followed them inside.

There was something pure and honorable about having the privilege to look after animals. It fed her soul with the kind of goodness she hadn't experienced in a very long time. She was silent as they fed Dallas's horses and goats and the rest of the menagerie. The donkey, an old fellow, had been rehomed from Taz Pullman's sanctuary and was a sweetheart. He kept nudging Nora, which made her giggle up a storm, and it lightened Vivian's mood from somber to something better. The chores took all of thirty minutes, and she figured they'd be heading back as soon as they were done, so when Benton trudged toward the house, Nora on his heels, she was surprised, but followed them up onto the porch.

"Can I feed her, Daddy?" Nora was practically jumping out of her boots.

"Feed what?" Vivian asked, looking from her niece back to her brother.

"The barn cat found her way inside and had a litter of kittens last weekend."

"When did Dallas become the guy who took in all these strays?" She didn't realize she'd spoken aloud until Benton glanced her way. "I mean, I just… It's a lot of work."

Benton shrugged and pushed open the door. "A man needs something to occupy his mind. Ranching can be a lonely business."

Vivian moved just inside the house as Nora squealed and headed straight to the back.

"The cat and her kittens are in the mudroom. We'll be a bit. She likes to talk to each and every one of them." Benton smiled and followed his daughter. Once she was by herself, Vivian slowly let out a long breath and leaned back against the wall.

The house was a study in contrast. The kitchen was a modern wonder, with shiny black appliances, white granite, gray stone, and so much natural light, it would make Scrooge a happy man. A large window over the sink had a variety of plants in small pots that looked like a child had painted them, and she wondered about that.

On the opposite side of the large open room was a fireplace with an impressive mantel. There was a flat-screen television and a comfy sectional in a muted gray, while the area rug was a waterfall of color. There were black-and-white photos on the wall, pictures of horses and a couple of Dallas's mother, and one of him and his beloved grandfather, Sully.

She made a face when she spied one of his sister Jade. The woman had never liked Vivian. And…she walked closer to see the last photo. Gunner.

She reached for the frame and traced the image of the dog, remembering him when he was a puppy full of energy and kisses and licks on the nose.

Shit. Stop it, she scolded herself and took a step back. There was no use remembering a shared history that was a disaster. With Benton and Nora still in the mudroom, Vivian moved on and explored the main floor. There was a bathroom off the kitchen and a small bedroom. Opposite that were the stairs that led to the second level. She hesitated a moment, and then took the stairs before she lost her nerve.

It was a loft type of layout, with an open area that was clearly Dallas's office. There was a large L-shaped desk, a small sofa and table, and some shelving that held books.

Across the way was a door that must be his bedroom. She eyed it for all of two seconds before moving toward the shelves to inspect Dallas's reading choices. There were books on horse breeding, biographies of singers and political types. She wandered back to his desk, but it was clear of clutter, and even though she knew she shouldn't, Vivian opened one of the drawers—it was filled with file folders and paperwork.

She should have left, but after glancing at the stairs, opened the smaller drawer. Why? No clue. She wasn't normally a snoop, but something caught her eye, tucked away in the corner.

Carefully, she reached inside and retrieved a small, painted, wooden figurine. "Oh." The unicorn . "He kept it," she whispered, rolling it over in her hand. She used to call him her unicorn, because he'd always been one of a kind. Magical. It had been corny, and he used to tease her about it.

She held the unicorn tightly, her mind going back to a night they'd ridden up to the Founder's Cabin with their sleeping bags, two bags of chips, and a bottle of JD. He'd handed her the wooden figurine, as if it was a normal thing, and kissed her. Then he'd whispered in her ear.

"I guess, now, I'm your unicorn for life."

She'd treasured the carving until that last fight when she'd thrown it in his face. It had been one for the books. So many awful things said on both sides. She'd left Montana the next day.

"Hey, where are you?"

She jumped at Benton's voice and shoved the unicorn back in the drawer. "Coming."

Cheeks hot, she ran down the stairs and walked past her brother. She didn't stop until she was out the door and on the front porch. Her heart pounded a mile a minute, and she found it hard to breathe, so she kept her eyes straight ahead when Benton joined her. He didn't ask why she'd been upstairs, and for that, she was grateful.

"Nora is switching out the cat litter."

Mouth tight, Vivian nodded.

"She'll be a bit."

Again, she nodded but said nothing.

For a few moments, the only sounds were the low nickers from the barn and the faint sound of Nora singing a song.

"What's going on with you, Viv?" Benton's voice was rough. "I know we're not close. Hell, maybe we never were. But we're family. We share blood. History. Some of it good, I think."

Vivian blinked away tears, unable to face her brother. She remained silent because she didn't trust herself not to break down. And the thing of it was, she didn't even know why she was feeling so damn low. It was more than Dallas or this house or the past. It was the wake of destruction she left wherever she went. It was her inability to connect with anyone in a way that was healthy.

She was broken, and she had no idea if she'd ever be put back together again.

"I don't even know what it is that you do up there in Alaska."

She stared out at this beautiful piece of heaven and felt something break away. Felt it give and loosen. Some small chunk of the darkness inside her. It allowed her to breathe again. She cleared her throat.

"You'll never guess in a million years."

"Tiger tamer."

"Nope."

"Sheep herder."

She smiled and turned back to him. "Definitely not." She saw the emotion in his eyes, the concern on his face, and another piece of her armor cracked. It slipped away without resistance. There was no turning back now. All she could do was be honest. "I write. I talk. I pretend to be something I'm not."

"Really." She saw the surprise.

She nodded. "A column, actually."

"Like in a paper?"

Again, she nodded. "Yes. It's nationally syndicated with the Times and the Post and a bunch of others. I've got a weekly podcast as well."

"Maybe I shouldn't be surprised, but I am." He paused, and she saw that he was genuinely curious. "What's the column and podcast about?"

She met his gaze squarely. "This is the part you'll never guess. The part that's going to make you laugh."

"Promise I won't."

"You will." She sighed and rolled her shoulders.

"Tell me."

"Advice. Life stuff."

"Yeah? About what?"

Vivian waited a beat. "Relationships. Family shit. Some pop culture, but mostly, I talk about screwed-up humans and how to fix them."

Benton's eyes widened, then crinkled as he began to laugh. She joined in because saying it out loud was so ridiculous. The two of them laughed until they cried. And then they laughed some more. And when the laughing finally stopped, Benton gave her the side-eye.

"For real?" he managed to say, voice a little rough from all the laughing,

"For real."

"Huh."

"Right?" She stopped laughing and whispered, "I'm the biggest fraud on the planet. If my listeners and readers knew the real me, I'd be canceled by tomorrow."

"What's the podcast called?" His eyebrows rose questioningly when she didn't answer right away.

"North By West."

She saw the moment he knew. His eyes widened. His mouth dropped open.

"I know. It's crazy." She shrugged and whispered, "So fucking crazy."

"When Scarlett was living here, she listened to your podcast all the time. I've listened to the podcast. Shit, we had no idea. It doesn't sound like you." He ran his hand over his chin. "At all."

"That was a conscious decision. It's production and a few tricks."

"Why are you trying to hide that part of your life?"

Why indeed?

"When I left Montana, I never thought I'd come back. I ran all the way to Alaska. I changed the way I spoke and acted. I…I tried to disappear and make a new life. A pretend life, I guess, since none of it is real."

"And now you're back."

"Now I'm back."

"You've been back for over a month."

She nodded.

She thought of the unicorn tucked away in Dallas's drawer. About how it made her feel to know he'd held on to it. What did it mean? Why had he kept it?

"Seems to me you want to stay."

"I don't know what I want," she finally murmured.

Benton slowly nodded and stared off into the distance. Eventually, he moved a few inches and put his arm around her shoulder.

"That's okay," he said gruffly.

She nodded, trying to blink away those damn tears, but not wholly successful. He pulled her closer, and she let him. It was awkward, but she felt his warmth and strength, and, after a good long while, she finally relaxed. The tears began in earnest.

"I might be here awhile," she said shakily, sniffling as she wiped at her face. "You know, trying to figure this shit out."

Benton squeezed her tighter. "That's okay too."