Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

V ivian was busy.

Busy writing her column and filming her podcast. Busy telling Jack what to do. Busy trying to figure out the technical crap and how it worked. Busy reorganizing her schedule and chatting with possible upcoming guests for the podcast. Busy avoiding her brother. Busy doing pretty much anything but thinking about Dallas. About what they'd done, and, more importantly, busy not thinking about how much she wanted him.

It was Wednesday midmorning, and Vivian hadn't heard a word from him. Hadn't see him either. Though, that wasn't a surprise considering she hadn't left the cabin since she'd come back from his place Saturday night. There'd been no reason to. Her brother had made sure she had everything she needed.

With nothing else to do but work, she got a lot done with Jack's help. And now she was at loose ends. Restless.

The snow that started early Sunday had continued to fall off and on for the past few days. It was a virtual winter wonderland out there. She got up from her chair, Lily tucked against her chest, and walked to the window.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" she murmured to the dog, dropping a kiss on her head while gazing outside. A clear blue sky stared down at the snowcapped Rockies, and the sunlight reflected off them like diamonds, shimmering in the distance. This place was unlike any other she'd ever seen, and she often wondered what her ancestors thought when they'd first set sights on the land. Did they hope for the kind of future that would breed happiness and prosperity? Or did they just want to survive?

The Bridgestones had prospered, no doubt about that, but the happiness part, not so much. At least not for this generation.

With a sigh, she turned back to her desk, only then realizing Jack stood a few feet away. He'd been a godsend helping her film four podcasts. Cheering her on because she needed it and doing his best to keep the mood light. As always, he made her heart glow with some sort of happiness.

"How's my girl?"

"I'm good. I talked to the lady whose husband had two other complete families she knew nothing about, one in China, if you can believe it. She's agreed to a podcast episode next week. Todd's got a line on a few more prospects, so we should be good for the next little while."

"Two families?" Jack winked. "Busy man."

"Busy being a two-timing asshole."

"No argument from me there." Jack sat down on the sofa. "So, how are you really doing?"

"I told you I'm good." Annoyed at the line of questioning, she pursed her lips and frowned.

"You're lying."

"I'm not…" She sighed and threw her hands up. "You got me. I'm lying," she admitted reluctantly. She so didn't want to bother him with the shitshow that played inside her head.

"You've been quiet the past few days. I know we haven't talked about Saturday, and you don't need to tell me anything. But talking is good for the soul and?—"

"We had sex."

Jack's eyes widened a bit, and he slowly nodded. "I know I should be concerned about your mental state and all, but I've seen the man, and I can't help but ask was?—"

"It was the best sex I've ever had," she interrupted him, setting Lily back down on the sofa before she began to pace the room. "And we've had some good sex. But Saturday was… She sighed and turned to him. "It was different. Better. Hotter. Sadder. I don't know if that makes sense."

Jack got to his feet and crossed the room. He took her into his arms, and she laid her head on his chest. He was good. Solid. She felt safe.

"I wish you weren't gay. We'd be so good together," Vivian whispered.

He tightened his hug. "If I were straight, we might have a moment or two, but I think there's only one man you're interested in, and it's a connection that's been in the making for a very long time."

"I don't think I want it."

"I know. But you love him. You've always loved him, haven't you?"

"Love?" Her eyes flew open, and, alarmed, she wriggled out of his embrace. "I thought I loved him when I was seventeen, but when you're seventeen, everything is so big and intense. How do you know if it's real love?" She shook her head. "It could have been more of an infatuation. That's something I've thought a lot about since Saturday. Part of me wants more than just no-strings sex, but what does that mean? That I love him? Or is it because of our history, of all the things we lost? Things he doesn't even know about?"

Vivian flopped onto the sofa her friend had just left. "God, Jack. I've never been more confused. I mean, for so long I've hated him with everything in me, and yet, it's much more complex."

"I know it sounds cliché, but love and hate are two sides of the same sword. They're intertwined, especially when you feel so deeply. You need to go back to the past, my girl. You need to tell him those things you've kept secret. Tell him why you left."

She shook her head slowly. "I don't know if I can, because…"

"Because?" Jack prodded.

"Because I'm afraid I might lose him for good, and if that happens, how will I ever know if the cute house and white picket fence is what I want?" She bit her bottom lip and shrugged. "On one hand, I don't think I'm made for that kind of life. For that kind of commitment. But what if I am? What if I've been wrong this whole time, and he's the one?"

God, she was sick of being so damn emotional. Her voice cracked, and she took a moment.

"I'm only just now figuring out that I didn't come back to Montana for Scarlett's wedding. I came back because of Dallas. Because after all this time, he needs to know. But what if the one thing that ties us together for the rest of our lives is the one thing that blows apart any chance we might have?" She gazed up at Jack. "That's if he wants me the same way that I want him. God, what a mess." She attempted to smile through tears. "I should never have come back."

"But you did," Jack replied, his kind eyes going a long way to soothing her soul.

She nodded. I did.

"And what you do next is going to be important. So take your time. Figure it out and be the brave woman I know you are."

Brave? Not a word she'd use to describe herself. Vivian exhaled and gave herself a shake. She couldn't do this right now. She got to her feet and walked to her desk. "I've got to finish up a few more columns and email them to Greg."

He had his jacket on, something she was only realizing. "Are you going somewhere?" Vivian asked.

Jack nodded. "I've got to head back to Alaska."

"Why?" She hoped she didn't sound as needy as she felt.

"Some legal matters I need to attend to." His eyes clouded. "Richard. I hope you understand."

Embarrassed that she'd only been thinking of herself, she nodded. "Of course. Go."

Jack dropped a kiss onto her nose. "I will call you every day, and if you need me, I'll come back. But darling, I think you need to face your past on your own. Kick those demons to the curb, and most of all…" He slid his hand along her jaw. "Forgive yourself. Forgive Dallas." He shrugged. "Forgive the past. I know it will be hard, but that past includes your father."

The mention of Manley Bridgestone was enough to get her hackles up. "That's a lot to ask for."

"It is. But if you want a chance at the kind of happiness you've been chasing, you have no choice but forgiveness." He gave her one last kiss. "And the truth. Your man deserves to know."

Jack stepped back and winked. "Benton has agreed to drive me to Bozeman. I've got a flight out this evening. You'll be okay?"

No.

"Yes. Go. I'll be fine. Text me when you land."

"I will. I love you, my girl."

Then he was gone.

Vivian could have spent the remainder of the afternoon brooding, rotting on the sofa in a big old cardigan and a bottle of wine, but she had work to do, and if anything, it was a distraction from the disaster that was her life. By the time four o'clock rolled around, her shoulders were stiff from being hunched over her laptop, and a dull headache was threatening to turn into something more. She filled a glass with water and downed two extra-strength pills, then wondered what she could possibly do without Jack for conversation.

Solitaire? A book? Yoga?

"I have no one," she murmured to herself. She'd never cultivated any real female friendships. In fact, other than Jack, she didn't bother with that sort of thing. She supposed if she went to therapy, there'd be some technical term for whatever the hell it was that ailed her, but deep down, she knew the reason she had issues forming attachments. All of it could be traced to the death of her mother and her father's subsequent fall into darkness.

Her cell rang just then, and, thinking it was Jack, she answered without looking.

"Hey, what are you up to?" Benton's voice filled her ear.

"Oh, you're back from Bozeman."

"Have been for a couple of hours. I was thinking you could come for dinner. Rosie made a roast with all the fixings, and Nora misses you."

"I don't know if I'd be good company."

"You don't have to be good company. You just need to be here."

Vivian considered her options. Alone here with a bottle of wine and some heated-up mac and cheese. Or at Benton's with Nora and some good food and…

"You got red wine?"

"Only about a case of it."

"Okay," she replied softly. "I'll be over within the hour."

She quickly changed out of her sweats and pulled on a pair of jeans and a plain black long-sleeved Henley. She secured her hair into a loose topknot, grabbed her winter coat and a hat, and slipped into her boots.

"You want to come along?" Lily raised her head and yawned, then settled her small body in the middle of the sofa. "I figured as much."

The cabin was about a ten-minute walk to the main house, and the fresh air would do her good. As it turned out, the going was a bit tougher than she expected. There were some deep drifts to traverse and more snow than she thought. By the time she reached the porch of the main house, she was sweating, and her jeans were wet up to her knees.

She let herself in and hung up her jacket before tugging off her boots and tossing her hat and mittens onto the bench near the front door. The house smelled amazing—like home and food and fireplaces and comfort. Her mouth watered because it was that good. It was nice that Benton had managed to create something beautiful out of a past that wasn't so great.

"Auntie Viv, you came!" Nora flew down the stairs and practically knocked her over with a hug that was warm and infectious. Vivian held her close for as long as the little girl would let her.

"Did Jack come?" The question was hopeful as Nora peered around Vivian.

"No, he had to fly back to Alaska."

Nora didn't bother to hide her disappointment. "He didn't say goodbye. He was going to tell me about the killer whales."

"I'm sure he'll be back."

"I hope so." Nora's face lit up. "Oh, I forgot my new pictures for you. I'll get them." Nora flew back up the stairs and, laughing, Vivian took a few steps toward the kitchen, but male voices from Benton's office caught her attention and she headed there instead. She pushed open the door, her smile slowly fading when the man closest to her turned around. Blue eyes found hers almost immediately, and whatever he was saying died on his lips.

Dallas.

"Hey," Benton said, getting up from behind his desk. "Glad you decided to come. I decanted a couple of bottles of red."

"I thought you and Ryland were in here." She didn't know what else to say, so she kept quiet.

Her brother rolled his eyes. "He's got a new girl, so who knows when we'll see him." He turned to Dallas. "I meant what I said. Rosie made a lot of food. Why don't you stay."

Dallas glanced her way, and an electric shock rushed through her. Heat touched her cheeks, and her mouth went dry, which was terribly inconvenient considering she was trying to act normal.

"I think I might," he replied, eyes darkening. "As long as Viv doesn't mind."

She managed a shrug and hoped like hell it appeared as nonchalant as she intended it. "Why would I mind?"

The smile that spread across Dallas's face was dangerous, and her heart sank a little. Vivian wasn't ready for this kind of evening. Not with Dallas, anyway. So, yeah, she minded all right, even though it was too late to do anything about it.

She minded a whole hell of a lot.