25. Zoe

25

ZOE

Two hours. Once a month. For AJ. He wanted a relationship with his grandparents, and I wasn't going to deny him that. I also wasn't going to allow him to visit them unsupervised, which was why I suffered through this monthly torture of dinner at my parents' house.

Silence can be very loud. The clink of silverware hitting a plate always triggered my anxiety. The scrape of a fork against the knife as it cut through meat caused my chest to tighten. The hours I'd spent sitting around a silent dinner table waiting for my mother to berate me or my father, to tell me how much of a disappointment we were to her were countless. She never raised her voice. Never yelled. She was always controlled, as if that made her words any less painful, sharp, or damaging.

After she disowned me, I didn't speak to her for five years. Even when Austin was killed, she didn't get in touch. My father did. He came to Walter's house and told me how sorry he was. Every once in a while, I would find an envelope of money on the porch, which I knew was from him. My mother didn't have anything to do with me until the pastor called her into his office and had a word with her. I don't know what he said. I wouldn't even know that it happened if it wasn't for Caroline Shaw, who did the hair of Penny Gardner, the pastor's secretary who told Ms. Shaw about the meeting and indicated it had something to do with reconciling with me.

Two days later, my mother approached me at the grocery store, where I was shopping with AJ. She told me that she'd forgiven me of my sinful ways and was willing to accept AJ as her grandson. When AJ asked who she was, she told him she was his grandmother. He'd never had a grandmother before, so he got excited, and when she invited us to dinner, he said he wanted to go. I didn't have the heart to say no. Not with everything he'd been through losing his dad.

That was a little over six years ago. We'd been coming once a month ever since.

To be fair, my father wasn't horrible. He just wasn't anything. He never stood up to my mother. He allowed her to spew her hate and negativity on both of us when I was growing up.

My mother cleared her throat, and I felt myself bracing for impact. "So, I hear they are going to be filming a movie about Austin in town."

"Yeah, and I'm going to play my dad," AJ sat up straighter, his chest puffing with pride.

Knots twisted in my stomach. I was sure she was going to have an opinion on why that was the wrong thing to do.

"Oh, that sounds fun. If anyone should play your dad, it should be you."

I did a double take, sure that this person who had just spoken couldn't be the woman who raised me. Sure enough, it was the same brunette-haired woman with a bob cut, almond-shaped brown eyes, and a snub nose. AJ sometimes said that she looked like Daisy. My mother did not find it amusing. I thought it was an insult to Daisy.

"And Kendall is playing Mom when she was young."

My mother's eyebrows would have risen if it wasn't for all the Botox she'd gotten. These days it was difficult to decipher her emotions. Her face was permanently frozen.

"Oh, I see. You are going to have a role in the movie?"

"No. I'm not. But, yes, there's a character of me in the movie."

"I didn't realize you fought in Afghanistan."

"Oh, no, she didn't, Grandma," AJ explained naively, thinking my mother was actually confused. "But she was married to Dad, so she's a big part of Dad's story."

"Oh, of course." My mother smiled at AJ. "My mistake."

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out of my back pocket.

"What have I told you about phones at the dinner table?" my mother asked rhetorically.

"I told you, I'm on call tonight," I reminded her.

I got up and walked out to the porch. It wasn't the hospital. I didn't recognize the number, but I would do anything to get out of even one minute of the dinner.

After I closed the front door behind me, I answered, "Hello."

"Hi, I'm calling for Zoe James."

"This is Zoe."

"Hi, Zoe, I'm Rachel Cobbs. I am going to be playing you in Fallen Hero."

"Hi Rachel. Yes, Miles told me that you might be reaching out."

"I was wondering if you might have some time next week before we start shooting to sit down and talk with me? I won't take up too much of your time. I just have a few questions that I'd love to have some insight on."

"Sure, no problem."

We worked out a time, and she also asked if I might have some photos of myself and Austin around the ages that she would be playing, just like Kendall had. She thanked me, and we got off the call. Before going back into the lion's den, I took a deep cleansing breath. I reminded myself that my mother only had the power that I gave her. Nothing she said mattered. The only thing that mattered was AJ. He was my why.

With that mindset, I opened the door and walked back in.

"Was it your work?"

"No. It wasn't."

"Who was so important that you forgot your manners and rudely interrupted dinner?"

"It was the actress that is going to be playing me, Rachel Cobbs."

AJ's eyes practically popped out of his head, and he dropped his knife on his plate. "Rachel Cobbs?"

"Yeah, do you know her?" I asked. I'd never heard of her before.

"She's Jenna on Vampire High. That's Kendall's favorite show! I have to go call her."

AJ started to get out of his chair, and my mother snapped her fingers an inch from his face. He blinked in shock.

"Sit. Down. Now," she seethed through clenched teeth. "You will not behave like an insolent heathen. That is the devil in you. I will not allow you to turn out like your promiscuous, Jezebel mother. There are rules in this house."

I took a deep breath and calmly turned to my mother. "AJ and I are going to leave now. I will not allow you to say that my son has the devil in him or say that he is behaving like an insolent heathen because he got excited and wanted to make a phone call. I have no problem with you having rules, but you will never speak to my son like that again." I looked at AJ. "AJ, we're leaving."

AJ and I both stood, and we went to the back room, where my mother insisted we put our shoes, my purse, and our jackets. We got our things, and as we walked past the dining room, my mother was nowhere to be seen. It didn't surprise me. For being so opinionated, she didn't like confrontation.

My father was waiting by the door. She probably told him to make sure I didn't steal anything.

"Bye, Grandpa," AJ lifted his hand as we walked past him.

"Bye now." My father smiled weakly as he held the door.

We walked to the car in silence and got in. Relief washed over me as we pulled away from the curb, knowing I wouldn't have to go back. I had suffered through enough of those dinners. I was surprised it had taken this long for my mother to show her true colors.

AJ turned to me. "Sorry, Mom."

"Don't be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. And we don't have to go back there again."

"We can't go back?!" I could hear the panic in AJ's voice. "But I'm sorry. I'll tell Grandma I'm sorry."

Okay, I guess it wasn't over. I had no idea why AJ liked going to the dinners, but I wasn't going to be the one who took them away from him. His father was gone. I wasn't going to be the one who took his grandparents away from him.

"You didn't do anything wrong. So, you don't have to apologize. If you want to go back, I'll talk to Grandma."

It wouldn't be AJ's apology. She'd want it to be mine.

When we got home, Walter wasn't in his chair, which meant he was already in bed or at bingo. AJ went up to his room, and I got a glass of wine and went to mine. I crawled under my sheets and turned my fan on. I opened my laptop and tried to zone out by watching past seasons of Married by the Matchmaker . Ashley texted earlier today saying that she'd gotten through to the next round and was going in for the medical and psych evaluation, so I was trying to catch up on the show.

After a few episodes, I found myself clicking over to YouTube, and because I'd been watching interviews with Miles, my entire home page was filled with him. There were montages of him and his love interest from the show he was on, Happy Trails. There were podcasts, paparazzi videos, fan edits, and more. I started by clicking on one and then went down a rabbit hole.

An hour later, I found myself missing him even more than I was before. It was strange because the person in all the YouTube clips wasn't the person I knew. He looked the same, but he was different somehow. I picked up my phone and listened to his voicemail again. I'd probably listened to it fifty times. For some reason, just hearing his voice made me feel better.

I had the strongest urge to call him and tell him about what had happened at my mom's house. It was a strange thing for me to want to do since I never talked about my family or problems with anyone but Nadia, and I rarely talked about them with her.

But I wanted to tell Miles. I wasn't sure why. That impulse scared me more than my borderline obsessive crush because that was a side of myself I'd never shared with anyone. Anyone except Austin. He'd gotten past those walls. And when I lost him, I almost hadn't survived, which was why I hadn't let anyone else in…and promised myself I never would again.