9. Rowan

CHAPTER NINE

rowan

I messed up. Big time. And not on the field. No, I’ve been on it tonight. I’ve been blocking like crazy for Benny, but he’s not in the game. Not at all. We’ve managed to keep the score close, but we’re in the fourth quarter and down by three, and Benny just threw a huge, possibly game-changing interception.

And I know without a doubt it’s my fault.

Why the hell didn’t I just get dressed after my shower? Why did I get that close to him? Why the hell did I touch him?

The spark.

That spark that went through my body when I touched him was undeniable, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. I told myself I did it so I could get him to focus, but I couldn’t focus.

We didn’t speak. We just stood there in this limbo where we both knew what the other wanted, but I couldn’t take that final step. If his lips touched mine—it would all be over for me. I just know it.

But now, I’m sitting on the sidelines next to Benny as we wait to see if our defense can hold them off from scoring and give us another chance. “You need to pull your head out of your ass,” I grit out but try to keep my voice low.

“Are you kidding me?” Benny is not quiet at all, and I feel my cheeks heat as he turns to look at me.

I keep my eyes on the field. “No. I’m not kidding you. Get it together if you want to pull out the win.”

“Fuck you, Kincaid,” he bites out, and I can hear the bitterness there.

I can’t blame him. I know he has every right to be pissed. Benny is too pure for this world, and I’m messing with his head, even though I’m not trying to. I swallow hard and remain focused on the field. “Just finish the game, okay? Keep focused. You can yell at me later.”

He seems to think about that for a moment, and then he asks, “Promise?” I hear the subtle hope in his question, and I don’t know what he thinks I mean by yelling at me. I mean actual yelling, but there’s an undertone there. A promise of something else.

Benny isn’t afraid of anything, and that’s the problem. He’d face this thing head-on, but I can’t do that. I can’t allow him to get into my head.

“Yeah, at the party after this, you can yell at me. You can punch me right in the face, if you want.” I turn to look at him. “As long as we win this shit.”

His blue eyes are illuminated by the lights of the stadium, even though it’s pitch-black tonight, and in them, I can see punching me is the last thing he wants to do. I don’t think he wants to talk either.

He can’t look at me like that. Doesn’t he know?

I force my gaze away and back to the field, and he says, “After the game.”

I feel a sharp and intense shudder flow through me the way his voice just dropped in a promise. One that says he doesn’t want to yell at me either.

I can’t let this happen. It cannot happen. But when the defense does its job, and they stop the other team from scoring, Benny puts his helmet on and strides out onto the field on a mission. And I know I’m fucked.

It only takes two plays before I block for Benny, and he throws the ball downfield. The other team didn’t have a chance, that ball is gone and in the hands of our fastest receiver, who runs it in to score the touchdown, just in time for us to pull out the win.

When we all head into the locker room, Benny is clearly riding the high, as is everyone else, except me. I’m glad we won, but the way Benny keeps looking over at me is just... really not good.

I strip out of my clothes and force myself not to look over at Benny. Seeing him naked right now would not be ideal since I’m trying my best to cool my raging libido after the way he looked at me on the bench. The way he made me promise.

I swallow hard and get through my shower, drying off and getting dressed, but quickly remember I don’t have my truck here.

“You ready?” It takes everything inside me not to jump when Benny’s voice comes from behind me. I should have known he’d be right on my heels.

“Whatever,” I answer, but he’s unbothered, just strutting out to his truck, his hair still wet from the shower and wearing his blue Big Bend Bears shirt and tight-as-fuck jeans. I try not to look at how they hug his ass and totally fail.

We get into the truck, and I expect him to start talking because Benny is always talking. But he’s oddly quiet as he heads out of town toward the Montgomery property, where we’ve held most of our parties since freshmen year.

The quiet truck is almost too much for me to handle. What the hell is he waiting for? When we turn down the familiar road and I know we’re close, I have to ask, “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

Benny just turns to me, that grin way too bright and distracting. “I figured I’d let you take the edge off first.” His smile only widens as he looks back at the road and shrugs. “You know, before I start yelling.”

I do not like the way he says yelling , but before I can tell him that, he’s parked his truck, turned off the ignition, and hopped out. He’s striding into the barn, while I just sit there like an idiot.

Please don’t let him make a scene. It’s not a big deal.

I take a deep breath and release it before climbing out of his truck and slamming the door. The Montgomerys have hundreds of acres of land out here. They run a pretty successful ranch, and this barn we party at is on the outskirts of their property, not one they use anymore. It’s still pretty nice though. I walk in through the doors and see they already have the fire going in a barrel in the middle, along with plenty of bales of hay spread out.

There’s a keg and lots of bottles of hard liquor, but I don’t want to drink tonight. I want to get this over with Benny, and then, maybe I can relax. Of course, he has other ideas, already mingling with the rest of the team, their friends, and the cheerleaders—some still in uniform.

After about thirty minutes, I can’t take it anymore and signal for him to follow me when I leave through the barn door. And thank fuck, he does. I grab his arm, pulling him away from the barn, back through some heavy brush and trees.

“What’s up?” he says way too lightly.

“I thought you wanted to yell at me,” I say dumbly, releasing him but standing close and keeping my voice down.

“I never said that.”

I take a step back, running my fingers through my hair because he’s infuriating. “You made me promise.”

His lips kick up in a smirk I kind of want to punch off his face as he takes a step into me. “I don’t want to yell.” His voice is low. Deep. Sexy as hell, and it goes straight to my balls.

I shake my head. This cannot happen. “Benny...”

I start, but then he touches me. His hand just brushes over my shoulder, and I jolt from the intense electricity running through my entire body from that one touch.

“We can’t,” I say firmly, and he drops his hand and sighs.

“Says who?” It’s dark out here, but there’s plenty of light from the barn, and we’re close enough to it that I can make out his expression. He seems genuinely perplexed.

“Don’t do that. You’re from here too. Do not give me that shit.”

I hate that he acts like it wouldn’t be life-changing. He knows. He’s seen it with his best friend. “You’re going to stand here and tell me you don’t feel it?” He just won’t stop. “That you didn’t want to kiss the hell out of me today?”

I suck in a shocked breath, my chest feeling tight. Automatically looking around, I scan for anyone who could be within earshot, but thankfully, we’re alone. “Don’t say that shit.”

“Why not?” He finally starts to sound a little angry, but he’s not yelling.

“You know why.”

“Why?” He steps closer again, his chest brushing mine, the contact too much and not enough. “Because saying it out loud makes it real?”

“Stop,” I say swiftly, starting to sweat. He can’t be this dense.

“No,” he says firmly. “Admit it.” He’s shorter than me, but it doesn’t stop him from looking into my eyes and imploring me to do what he says.

“Stop this shit, Benny. Knock it off.”

“Not until you say it.”

“Say what?” I grit out angrily, my breathing kicking up.

“That you wanted to kiss me. That you want me.”

Heat creeps up the back of my neck, embarrassment, fear, and adrenaline soaring throughout my body. “Don’t. Do. This,” I plead with him.

“Why would it be so bad? Huh? Why? Because we live in Big Bend? Who cares? We’re seniors. You want to go somewhere else? We can.”

I can barely breathe, but I manage to stay where I’m standing and not run. I look into his eyes. He thinks about leaving? “I thought you were in Big Bend for life.”

He shrugs it off because of course he does. How the hell does he do that? “I love it here, but it’s not without its flaws.” He’s staring at me now, quiet and calculating. Studying me and thinking about his words—which is a big deal for Benny. The guy loves blurting things out. “I want to figure this thing out with us.”

“There is no us,” I bark rudely and coldly, hoping he’ll take the hint.

But he doesn’t even flinch. “There could be.” I feel his breath over my lips, and my God, I want to just give in. I want to taste him for the first time, knowing how right it would feel.

“There can’t,” I say quietly, brokenly.

“Row—”

“Stop,” I interrupt him, my eyes locking with his, unyielding because I cannot let this happen. “I thought you were straight. You need to get laid that bad, McBride? Go in that barn and find someone. That’s what I’m going to do.”

“You don’t want that,” he says with such certainty, I feel rage deep inside that he thinks he knows me that well.

“You don’t know shit.” I start to walk away, but he grabs my arm—the touch almost painful—not because the grip is hard but because of the underlying promise of pleasure it offers.

“Don’t do this,” he says quietly, not releasing me.

It would be so easy to pull him into my arms and kiss him hard, to show him exactly how badly I want him, but I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I know this town. I know my father. It would be hell on earth if anyone found out who I really am, and I’m not strong enough to face it.

I jerk away from his touch. “I don’t need a ride tonight. I’ll grab one from someone else.”

I can’t bear to look at him as I go back into the barn, but I feel him behind me. He doesn’t touch me again, though, and he doesn’t say a word. I take a seat but don’t grab a drink, and soon Bianca is right next to me, practically on my lap.

I watch Benny as he grabs a whole bottle of whiskey and downs far too much of it. He’s dancing and talking with everyone. The life of the party, as usual, but I can see the hint of darkness underneath his normal sunny disposition.

He watches me. Subtly, but he is watching me. Every time I look over at him, his eyes are on me, even when he’s dancing with a few girls from our class. Even when he’s talking to Vaughn and taking another swig of whiskey.

His blue eyes are firmly on me.

“I can’t stop thinking about that kiss.” I can’t pry my eyes off Benny, even when I hear and feel Bianca whispering in my ear, her lithe body pressed up against mine. “I’ve been thinking about it all week.”

I wish I could say the same to her. It would be so much easier if that were the case. I’m distracted as she kisses my neck, pawing at me, and I can feel Benny’s eyes on me. On her. They’ve turned fiery.

“We should get out of here,” she says softly and sweetly. A promise in her words too, but not the one I want.

I watch Benny jump up and grab for the ladder leading up to the loft. There are lots of people up there, but Benny is drunk as shit and nearly slips off the third rung but keeps climbing.

“You’re going to break your neck, QB,” I hear Vaughn call out, but he doesn’t seem that worried about it. My own fear has ratcheted up to unhealthy heights as Benny makes it halfway. He turns his body, holding on with only one hand to face us and swinging out, almost falling.

“I’m fine. Don’t you know I’m agile as fuck?” He laughs and again almost slides down the ladder.

“Get the hell down.” I barely recognize my own voice as it booms through the crowd, and I stand up, leaving Bianca behind to walk over to the ladder. “Now, McBride.”

“Aw, I like it better when you call me Benny,” he says, a flirty lilt to his voice that makes my cheeks heat.

“Get. Down.”

He’s just out of my reach, but I swear I’ll climb up this thing if I have to. “I’m fine, Kincaid .” He makes sure to put an emphasis on my last name.

“Please,” I say so softly, I’m sure he’s the only one who can hear me, and I see the way he looks at me—surprised would be an understatement. But he climbs down, stumbling off the last few rungs and landing right into my arms.

My heart rate is too fast, way too fast. I might actually stroke out right here, but everyone around us is just laughing their asses off. Vaughn slaps my back. “Good catch. Always watching out for the QB.”

I swallow hard, fighting that sick feeling in my gut as I grunt a reply and loop Benny’s arm around my neck. “I’m taking his drunk ass home.”

“Probably for the best,” Vaughn says with a smile, shaking his head at Benny, who’s struggling to stay upright, leaning all his weight on me.

“Wait up. I’ll go with you,” Bianca says, running up to us as I stumble out of the barn.

“No,” Benny says way too quickly, shaking his head, and I swear the guy is close to hissing at her.

Bianca looks taken aback, and I try like hell to smooth it over. “Uh, we’re good, thanks. We live pretty close to each other.”

She blushes slightly, her lips pursed, but she doesn’t argue with me, and I continue dragging Benny out to his truck.

“Where are your keys?”

He moves his hand, going for his pocket I think, but he misses and laughs almost uncontrollably. “In my pans .”

He laughs like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever said, and I take a deep breath, trying not to kill him. We need him for this season, I try to remember. “So get them.”

He tries again and misses, continuing to laugh his ass off. “Can’t. My jeans are too tight. I could take them off!” he shouts, way too loudly, and I look around at all the other cars and trucks but don’t see any people.

“No,” I say quickly as we reach his truck and again breathe in and out slowly. “Which pocket?”

He grins at me as I lean him against the passenger-side door of his truck. “Right.”

I nod and look down between our bodies at his left pocket. His jeans are way too tight. I can see every muscle, the bulge between his legs not at all hidden as his breathing ticks up. “Go ahead,” he breathes softly, the smell of whiskey wafting over me, but it’s not revolting like it should be.

Because it’s mixed with Benny.

Damn him.

I reach my hand into his pocket and try like hell to focus, not on the fact that I’m inches away from his cock and what I’m sure is his soft skin. I find his keys, pulling them out and letting out a relieved breath.

“Get in,” I say as I help him move out of the way of the door, open it for him, and gently shove him inside the cab. As I walk around to the driver’s side, I try like hell to regroup.

I just have to get him home. It’s fine. I can do this.

I climb into the driver’s seat, close the door, and start up the truck before pulling out and heading down the gravel road that leads us home. But of course, Benny just has to cuddle up to my side.

I can smell his sweet sweat, the bonfire and whiskey clinging to his skin, and hell if I don’t want to pull over and lick him all over. But instead, I keep my eyes on the road, even as he lays his head on my shoulder.

“You smell like her.”

I bristle at his words and know he’s talking about Bianca. “So?”

Even though the thought actually repulses me. Not because Bianca is repulsive in any way but because I didn’t want her touch tonight. “So, she was slobbering all over you. I bet you taste like her too.”

My dick twitches violently in the confines of my jeans, hearing Benny talking about my taste. “Don’t,” I say softly, trying to remind him to behave but also not wanting to hurt him.

I know it’s why he drank so much tonight. Benny doesn’t do that. He can have fun without any aid. He doesn’t need to drink to have a good time, but I watched him as he took swig after swig, his eyes full of pain and longing. As he watched me with Bianca.

“Just once,” he says softly, and I can feel his puffs of breath against the bare skin of my neck.

“Benny, don’t,” I say quietly, my fingers clinging to the steering wheel.

He doesn’t say anything after that, his breathing evening out, and I realize he’s fallen asleep. I snort and shake my head as I pull up to his house. I’ve met his parents before. The whole town knows each other, but it’s been a while, and this is probably not a great way to see them again.

I park the truck and turn it off, trying to stir Benny from his slumber, but of course, he’s out cold. I sigh and climb out of the truck, going to his side and pulling it open, dragging his ass out and lifting him up and over my shoulder.

I grunt as his weight settles over me and kick the door shut, carrying him up to the front door. I manage a quick knock before holding onto Benny, so he doesn’t fall.

His father answers, taking in the situation and then laughing. It’s warm and comforting. So very different from the way I know my own father would react. “Had a little too much, huh?”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry, sir.”

He just chuckles as his wife approaches. She takes one look at her son, her shoulders hunching with a huff, but then she’s laughing too. “Oh, Benny.”

His dad opens the door further and signals me inside. I follow him as he leads me to Benny’s room, opening the door. “You can toss him on the bed.”

He says this with another laugh and slaps my back with a chuckle on his way back down the hall. I move into Benny’s room and lay him down on his bed. I swear he’s even smiling in his sleep.

I shake my head and start to leave, but his hand reaches out to grab my wrist. “Just once,” he says softly, his eyes still closed.

I know he’s talking about a kiss.

I stare at him, pretty much totally out, and of course, I’m not going to kiss him. But he really is beautiful. Those curls all matted and wrecked from the night out. His high cheekbones and full lips.

“Please,” he murmurs.

My heart aches with the need to taste him just once.

Before I can overthink it—knowing he’s out of it and will never remember this—I lean down and press a soft kiss to his forehead, wishing it could be more.

I pull out of his grip and then haul ass out of there, thanking his parents but not stopping to chat.

I walk the short distance to my house, not caring that it’s late and dark out. I revel in the night and kick myself for touching him.

Again.

Why can’t I stop touching him?