Chapter 16

‘Okay,' Judith said after making them all a second coffee.

Kim had seen Bryant's eyes glaze over at times while Judith was talking. She knew he'd grown up in a poor but stable environment with hard-working parents who had encouraged him to be whatever he wanted to be. Not everyone was quite that lucky though. And in the absence of an interview with Katie Hawne, they were going to have to put some of the pieces together themselves.

‘It's important to understand that we are afraid of our mothers being disappointed in us,' Judith said.

Oh yeah, her own mother had been really disappointed every time she'd thwarted the woman's attempts to kill her and her brother.

‘In the ancient part of our little-girl brains, we unconsciously believe that if she's disappointed in us, we will die. When we're children, even well into our early twenties, our pre-frontal cortex – the part of our brain that is able to reason and think more objectively – isn't fully developed, so we have a tendency to take everything personally. It's normal for even adult daughters to seek their mothers' approval. Your mother's beliefs are the basis for your own, and it's helpful to look at your mother's relationship with her own mother to see?—'

‘But can't cycles be broken?' Bryant asked, showing Kim he was paying full attention now. ‘Like cycles of abuse?'

‘Yes, that's exactly what we're talking about. It is abusive, and the cycle can be broken if the abuse is recognised.'

‘So how do mother issues show?' Kim asked.

‘Shame, blame, guilt, desperation. There's a fear of failure, even a fear of success. You accept bad behaviour in others. You're constantly seeking approval, validation, by being a people pleaser and being afraid to say no. You take on other people's problems and think you have to fix them. You'll try and control the uncontrollable. There'll be chronic worry and anxiety. You'll believe it's selfish to put yourself first as your own desires don't matter. You have no sense of self or what you want. You'll have weak or non-existent boundaries, and you'll be afraid to speak your truth.'

‘Surely there are others around who can prevent it from happening?' Kim asked. It was impossible to imagine loving fathers, like the man sitting beside her, allowing such treatment.

‘They're called enablers and that's exactly what they do. They're not malicious but will often just say stuff like "forgive your mother" or "she doesn't mean it". They're conditioned to believe the behaviour is okay. In some cases, an enabler becomes frightened and won't protect the children. It does them no good in the long run as a relationship with a narcissist is the same as with an infant. It's one-sided.'

‘Even if all this were true in Katie's case, can't she recover as an adult?' Kim asked.

‘Somewhat, but any meaningful recovery begins with one unalterable first step.'

Kim held up her hand to pause Judith as her phone rang. Her heart leaped when she saw the name of the caller.

‘Stone,' she said, standing and moving away from the table.

‘I'm at the morgue,' Keats offered quickly.

‘Okey-dokey. Is that news I need?'

‘I'm not ringing for the good of my health. There's something here you need to see.'

‘You can't just tell me about it?'

‘I'd rather you see it for yourself. I've never seen anything quite like this before.'

From a man who had been doing the job for more than thirty years, it was a rare admission.

‘On my way,' she said, ending the call.

She sighed and turned back to Judith as Bryant moved away from the table.

‘So, what is it?' Kim asked.

‘What?'

‘The one thing that a damaged child must do to heal?'

‘The child has to permanently and irrevocably remove the narcissistic mother from their life.'

Well, Katie Hawne had definitely managed to do that.