Chapter 5

Chapter

Five

Ryan sat on the couch with his mother-in-law, Laura, the fabric soft against his palms. The facility his wife, Kara, lived in now was a clash of worlds—one side of the building sterile and clinical, her personal space a shrine to a life that felt increasingly distant.

They'd tried to soften the edges with family photos and Kara's favourite books, but the hospital smell seemed to be rubbed into the carpet. At least there were a couple of Amaya's drawings taped to the side of the dresser, and a comforter and throw pillows that had come straight from their bedroom.

The sound of a nurse's footsteps echoed down the hall, and he gripped the armrest. He shouldn't hate coming here. He should be glad to see his wife, to see Kara interacting with Amaya. But ever since his mother-in-law Laura texted, his stomach had been churning.

He was a husband. A father. This should be him caring for her, not a rotation of strangers in scrubs. Kara needed professional care, round-the-clock attention, and they'd all agreed it wasn't possible for him to provide that. Not with work. Not with Amaya .

All of that was true, and yet every time he saw her here, it felt like abandonment.

Kara and Amaya sat at a small table, a checkers board between them. Kara's brow furrowed as she concentrated on the game, her fingers hovering over a piece. Amaya grinned and made her move, hopping one of Kara's pieces to the side of the board.

Kara's eyes flicked over the board, and Ryan tensed. He knew the signs by heart. How her face would go blank. How she'd blink too many times. He moved to the edge of his seat.

Kara's movements became more agitated, her fingers twitching as she tried to figure out her next move. "That's not fair," she muttered.

Amaya looked up, her eyes flicking to Ryan's. "What's not fair?"

Ryan felt like a belt was being cinched around his ribs. "Hey, why don't we?—"

"You skipped over my checker. You can't do that." Kara's hand hovered over one of her pieces.

Amaya frowned. "I didn't skip it, I jumped it. That's how you play the game."

Ryan stood, and Laura moved to put her hands on Kara's shoulders.

"No, it's not!" Kara pushed her mother's hands away as her voice went up an octave. "You're cheating!"

Ryan pulled Amaya to his side. "It's okay, babe," he whispered. "Just an episode."

Amaya nodded. "Did I do something wrong?"

Ryan shook his head as Laura moved to stand between them. "Kara, sweetheart, it's just a game. Take a deep breath."

Laura was there with Kara more often than he could be. She was a retired teacher, and she'd done all the training to be able to de-escalate situations like these. Ryan had learned just by watching her, but Kara always seemed to respond better to her mother than to him .

Kara's hands balled into fists. "It's not fair, Mom. She can't cheat and then act like she didn't."

Laura reached out and put a hand on Kara's back. "I know, love. It's frustrating, isn't it?"

Validate. Don't try to correct.

"But remember what we talked about? Breathing in and out when we're feeling overwhelmed." Laura rubbed slow circles over Kara's back.

Just watching it made his throat constrict. After Kara got out of the hospital, he'd tried having her live at home. Thought he could handle it. It had been an unmitigated disaster.

It only took two hours of her being back for them to experience an episode. The doctors had encouraged him to keep it simple, so he'd picked up pizza, and they were sitting on the couch, watching a movie.

Kara asked for a blanket, and Ryan got her one, but she wanted a specific throw he hadn't seen in months. He looked in the chest, then went down to the basement, but when he came back empty-handed, that was it. The spark that lit the powder keg.

"Where the hell is it?" Kara's voice had been a whip crack, slicing through the air.

"I don't know, babe. Maybe it's in the laundry?"

"It should be right here!" She stood, her eyes wild as she started tearing apart the cushions. "We always keep it here, Ryan!"

He'd tried to calm her just like Laura was doing then, consoling her. Reminding her to use her skills. But she was already in motion, knocking over a vase on the end table.

She swore at him in front of Amaya, then bolted past him to the front door .

" Kara, it's freezing outside. You can't go without a coat."

She turned on him, her breath coming in ragged gasps. "Don't tell me what I can and can't do!"

He had to drive behind her on the street until the police arrived. Amaya had cried herself to sleep when he'd arrived back home.

That was just one night.

There had been countless others. Nights where she couldn't find her book, or where the remote wasn't where it was supposed to be. Little things that would set her off, and he never knew when it was coming.

It wasn't safe. Not for her, and definitely not for Amaya. He couldn't risk her waking up to one of Kara's outbursts. He couldn't risk her being in the line of fire when Kara threw something or tried to storm out of the house.

Ryan rubbed his hands over his face, the memory of that night playing on repeat. That was why he'd brought her here. Why he'd made the hardest decision of his life.

"There we go." Laura kept rubbing Kara's back, her voice a gentle murmur. "It's just a game, Kara. Just a game."

Kara closed her eyes, her shoulders relaxing minutely. "I don't like it when people cheat."

"I know, love." Laura's voice was barely a whisper.

Kara's breathing started to steady. She opened her eyes and looked at the board, her expression a mix of frustration and resignation. "I just wanted to win for once."

Laura leaned in and kissed her on the temple. "I know, sweetheart. Next time, okay?"

____ _

They stopped by the restaurant on the way out to the parking lot. Amaya loved the chocolate cake there, and the kitchen staff always seemed to have a piece on hand when they visited, even when it was off hours. Ryan was positive Laura had something to do with that.

Laura brought a fork and gave Amaya a big hug before sitting down next to them. "So, how's that hockey camp of yours going?"

Ryan turned, trying to muster a smile as Amaya dug into the cake. "It's good. Really good, actually. We've got a solid group of kids coming in this summer."

Laura clasped her hands on the table. "That's wonderful. You must be thrilled to share your love for the sport with the next generation."

"I get to go," Amaya said with her mouthful.

Laura's jaw dropped. "No way! You're dad's letting you get on the ice?"

"About damn time." Ryan grinned, and Amaya beamed at him.

He chuckled, scrubbing a hand over his jaw. "Tell her about the poetry contest."

Amaya didn't need much prompting. She dove into the story of her submitting a poem to the teacher and it getting lost and not being entered, so they had to do the judging all over again.

"I came in second place. In the whole school." Amaya licked frosting off her fork.

Laura clapped her hands. "Well, of course, you did. You know English was my favourite subject to teach, right?"

Amaya nodded and took one last bite before pushing her plate away from her. Ryan raised an eyebrow, then stole her fork and finished the last strip of barely any cake with mostly frosting. Not the worst.

When he finished, Amaya took the plate and fork to the trash and walked to the water dispenser .

Laura shifted, her eyes flicking to his. "And what are you doing for yourself these days?"

Ryan shrugged. "Prepping for the camp keeps me pretty busy."

Laura shook her head. "You know that's not what I'm asking."

Ryan opened his mouth to respond, but the words caught in his throat. His days were a blur of work, taking care of Amaya, running the house, and trying to be there for Kara as much as he could. "I'm still playing hockey." He'd thought about quitting the Snowballs, but sometimes getting out on the ice was the one thing keeping him going. Summers were the hardest with no games and only one practice a week.

"You remember we're taking Amaya next Saturday night?"

Ryan nodded. He loved that they wanted time with her even if he suspected they specifically planned sleepovers for Saturdays so they could take her to church in the morning.

Laura's eyes softened, and she reached out a hand. "Ryan, it's been two years. I know you're dedicated to Amaya and Kara, but . . ." She hesitated, choosing her words carefully. "You're still a young man. You can't be expected to live your whole life?—"

"I'm not looking for anyone else, Laura."

Laura sighed. "I know, and I'm not suggesting that you should. But, Ryan, we love you. When you married Kara, you became like a son to us. I would never—" Her voice caught, her throat working. "You're allowed to want more for yourself. You're allowed to have a life, too."

Ryan's jaw clenched. He stared out the window, watching an ambulance pull into the parking lot below. "In sickness and health. I'm not going to abandon her."

Laura pulled out a manila folder from her purse. "I expected as much, and I love you so much for loving her." She set it on the table between them, her eyes glassy. "I prepared everything. You've lived apart for over a year. The lawyer says it should only take two to four months to be approved?— "

"Laura—"

"Don't decide right now." She caught his hand, placing it on the envelope. "I want you to seriously consider this, Ryan." She glanced up at Amaya walking their way with a cup of water. "Kara is only one out of three."