Chapter 24

Chapter

Twenty-Four

Ryan's grip tightened on the steering wheel as he drove back from Aelin's. His jaw clenched. Clark. What a bastard showing up at her house and threatening her when he knew damn well where she was. The whole time that asshole had been talking, he wanted to slam a fist into his face. His hockey years had taught him exactly where to hit to create a real bleeder. Would have felt good to see that F-boy shirt ruined.

Thankfully he'd had a little rationality left in his head. Knocking Clark flat wasn't going to help anyone. Certainly not Aelin. She was already walking a tightrope trying to get him to finalize the divorce.

He thought of the way Aelin looked at him in the entryway of her house. Her eyes had been blank, like she'd retreated behind some invisible barrier that he couldn't get through. Ryan shook his head. He had to trust that she had it under control. She didn't need him to be her saviour.

Amaya yawned in the backseat, and he glanced in the rear view mirror. "You ready for bed already?" he asked.

She nodded. "I don't know why driving makes me so tired. I've only been sitting here."

Ryan chuckled. He went through a mental checklist of everything he needed to take care of that night before work and the third week of hockey camp. Thankfully, he had enough foresight to tie all the loose ends he was capable of tying before they left. His team had worked on the things they could while he was gone, and now he just had a shit ton of emailing to do.

Ryan turned onto his street and parked in front of his garage door. He still had boxes and parts he needed to organize from when he'd put in the new closet systems in both his and Amaya's rooms. Since it was summer, he wasn't particularly motivated to get his car inside.

It didn't click that there was a light on inside his house until he pushed the car door open and stood in his driveway. He frowned and scanned the street. As soon as he saw the silver Acura, realization hit him like a lightning strike.

"Are grandma and grandpa here?" Amaya pulled her backpack from the back seat.

Ryan ran a hand over his face. He nodded, and she gave a little hop of excitement before running to the front door.

Laura and Russ pulled the door open as soon as they saw Amaya coming. Laura gave her a huge hug. "We missed you so much!"

Russ shook Ryan's hand. "Did the drive go okay?"

Ryan nodded, then realized he hadn't grabbed their luggage from the back. He rounded the car and opened the trunk. Russ insisted on helping him get everything inside.

Laura gave him a warm smile and lowered her voice. "You may want to head over now. Visiting hours end at nine."

Ryan nodded. As he'd been walking down the drink aisle next to Aelin in that Podunk town, visiting Kara immediately had seemed like a much better idea than it did now.

Amaya dropped onto the couch. "What are you doing here?"

Laura raised an eyebrow, and Russ chuckled. "Well, we were hoping to see you."

Ryan leaned over the couch. "I'm going to run out. Have fun with your grandparents, okay? I'll try to get back before you go to bed."

Amaya nodded. "Are you going to see Aelin?"

Ryan's heart skipped a beat. "Uh, no. We'll see Aelin and Bailey tomorrow." He dropped his eyes and turned back to the door.

His mind was blank the entire drive to the assisted living centre. Every night as he held Aelin in his arms, he'd rehearsed what he wanted to say to Kara, but all of it had evaporated in the last couple of hours.

He thought about turning back twice but forced himself to keep going. There was never going to be a good time to have this moment, and a small part of him worried that if he didn't do it now, he would find some reason to change his mind.

Ryan parked his car and stepped out onto the asphalt. The building's white exterior was illuminated by street lights, making it look more clinical than it already was. A cool breeze had picked up, and he shoved his hands into his pockets as he approached the entrance.

The door swung open with a push, and he stepped into the small lobby. The woman at the reception desk smiled and didn't even make him sign the guest sheet. At least he'd been there enough that she knew who he was and where he was headed.

He passed a couple of residents shuffling down the hall, their slippers whispering against the linoleum. One of them gave him a nod, and he forced a smile. If he thought being there was going to trigger his thoughts, he was wrong. The closer he got to Kara's door the more his heartbeat drowned out anything else in his head.

Again, he tensed, waiting for that pang of guilt to hit his stomach, but it never came. For three years he held onto the image of Kara as his wife. To the woman she'd been before the blood clot. Somehow, while walking the pebbled beaches of Flathead, that fantasy he'd been clinging so hard to had finally melted away. The only thing that existed now was Kara as she was.

He still loved her. He would never stop loving her. But as he lifted his hand to knock on her door, he realized it had never been about that in the first place.

He knocked, wondering what he would find on the other side of the door. He knew what he hoped to see. Kara sitting in her chair, a blanket draped over her knees, her knitting needles clicking together. That was always better than her prostrate in her bed, a catheter or IV snaking out from under the covers.

The door buzzed and unlocked, and Ryan pushed down on the handle. He walked into the room and exhaled when he saw her sitting in the chair. She wasn't knitting, but she had a book in her lap, her dark hair pulled back in a loose braid.

She looked up and gave him a smile. "I didn't know you were coming tonight."

Ryan grinned. She said that every time, even when they told her they would see her in the morning. At least she knew what time of day it was.

"I wanted to surprise you." He gave her a smile, and she walked over to him, her arms outstretched. He pulled her into a hug, and she rested her head against his chest.

"I missed you." Her voice muffled against his shirt.

"I missed you too." Ryan closed his eyes, his heart pounding in his chest. If only she understood for how long and how hard he had missed her. The doctors had never been able to tell him exactly what she understood about their relationship. Sometimes she seemed to know who he was and other times, the idea of her having a husband or family set off an episode.

Most of the time she seemed happy to treat them as friends. Even Amaya. It didn't seem to compute that they were twenty years apart. Ryan pulled back and looked down at her. "How have you been?"

She smiled and pointed to the hooks by the door. "I finished a scarf. "

Ryan walked over and fingered the soft wool. "I love the colours." It was lopsided, the stitches uneven. "This is amazing, Kara. You're getting so good."

Her smile widened. "Do you want to play checkers?"

Ryan's heart twisted, thinking of the last time they'd been there. "Sure." He sat down in the chair across from her. Kara motioned for him to move the side table between them. As soon as he did, she started setting up the pieces on both sides.

When she finished, she looked at him expectantly. "You go first."

Ryan nodded and moved a piece. They played in silence for a few minutes. He chose moves that wouldn't set her off. She clapped her hands together when she found a double jump.

"You're not very good." She set his pieces on the table next to the board.

He chuckled. "Or maybe you're just an expert."

Her eyes lit up at the compliment. She reached out and held his hand. "I like playing with you."

He squeezed. "I like playing with you, too."

"Do you have a girlfriend?" She cocked her head to the side.

He huffed a laugh. "No. Do you have a boyfriend?"

She wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "I want one someday, though."

He nodded and pulled his hand back to his lap. "Want to play again?"

She reached for the pieces, and he watched her hands. They looked nothing like the ones he'd held anymore. Though, she could probably say the same about his. They'd both gotten older. Just not together.

Memories flooded his head as they played. For how empty his head had been as he'd walked into the centre, it was overwhelming to experience the opposite.

He thought about the first time he'd brought Kara to his parents' house for Christmas. She'd been so nervous, but his family had welcomed her with open arms. They'd sat around the table, playing games and laughing, and Ryan had known in that moment that he was going to propose.

He thought about their wedding day, how beautiful she'd looked in her dress, the way her eyes had sparkled with tears as they'd said their vows. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse.

He'd spent the last two years trying to hold on to his vows, trying to be the man Kara had married. He'd held on so tightly to the past that he hadn't been able to give her what she needed in the present.

He'd been to see her only a handful of times. He'd told himself it was because it was too confusing for Amaya, that it was too hard for Kara. Those things were true, but it had always been more about it being too hard for him.

Seeing her, and knowing that she didn't understand their relationship, that she didn't remember the time they'd spent together, was a thousand jagged blades to his heart every single time he walked into her room.

It was a reminder of what he didn't have. He'd never once thought about how it could be a reminder of what he still had.

Kara didn't need a husband. She needed someone to love her. Laura and Russ had figured that out instantaneously, it seemed. Laura was there every single day, regardless of whether Kara knew who she was or everything she did for her.

Ryan said he was sacrificing for Kara. But he wasn't. Not really. He was cutting out his heart and hiding it in a box so it could never be crushed again like it was that night he'd come home from hockey practice.

His hands shook as he moved his pieces.

When Kara finally won the second game, she jumped up from her chair. "I did it again!" She clapped her hands together, her smile radiant.

Ryan laughed, his heart aching. "You're getting too good for me."

Kara sat back down and put the pieces away, tucking them back into the compartment on the bottom of the board. When she finished, he swallowed back the lump in his throat and reached out to take Kara's hand. Her skin was warm and soft.

"I'm going to come visit more often."

She laughed. "Because you like getting beat at checkers?"

He sniffed, setting her hand back on the table. "It's my favourite."

Ryan stood and walked to the door, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Love you, Kara."

She leaned back in her chair. "Love you, too."

Ryan twisted the wedding ring from his finger and looped it over the hook next to Kara's scarf, then left her room and walked back to his car.

He drove home on autopilot, and when he walked through his front door, he found Laura, Russ, and Amaya cuddled up on the couch watching an episode of Full House.

"Dad, have you seen this show?" Amaya grinned up at him, her eyes sleepy.

He laughed. "Yeah. I've seen most of the episodes, I think." Ryan walked into the kitchen and paused with his hand on the back of a chair.

He drew a breath and exhaled, then walked to the counter and picked up the manila envelope.