11. Rayna

CHAPTER 11

Rayna

I wake up the next morning as the sunlight shines on me through my window. I hold the pillow over my face to shield myself, feeling groggy from the up and down with Lily. My mind is swirling with thoughts of last night and the intimacy that grew between Janta and me.

The emotional intimacy leaves me feeling troubled as it adds to the conflict of my growing feelings for him. I really like him, and not just because we're stuck in this situation together. My heart races as I replay the moment we almost kissed. My breath catches and it's as if I'm there all over again.

"What am I doing?" I groan. The uncertainty weighs on me as I grapple with the decision to embrace my feelings or keep my guard up. Knowing that he's out there right now has my nerves on edge as I get up and shower, getting ready for another day of parenting.

As I step out of the shower, the steam seems like a metaphor for my current state of mind—clouded and unclear. I quickly dress, picking out something casual yet flattering, a subconscious nod to the fact that I'll see Janta in just a few moments.

I head to the kitchen to start breakfast. The scent of coffee fills the space, a minor comfort. Janta is flipping pancakes with a practiced hand. His presence, so strong and assured, sends another wave of conflicting emotions through me.

"Morning," I manage to say, my voice steadier than I feel.

"Hey," he replies with a smile, not looking up from the stove. "Sleep well?"

"Not really," I confess, pouring myself a cup of coffee. "Lots on my mind, I guess."

He turns then, his eyes searching mine, a flicker of concern passing over his features. "Why not?"

I hesitate, the memory of our almost-kiss flashing vividly in my mind. My heart skips, but I shake my head. "Just a long night of worrying about Lily," I force a smile, sipping my coffee to hide the tremor in my voice.

"Understood." He nods, turning back to the pancakes. I watch him for a moment, appreciating his ease and comfort in our shared space, wondering if there will ever come a day when I don't feel this joy and apprehension in his presence.

As I watch him here in the kitchen, making breakfast with such an ease, commanding the space, my heart flutters. My eyes slowly scan his muscles and I have to tear my eyes away before I risk getting caught.

Even though we almost kissed last night, I'm not sure what his feelings are, and I'm even more unsure about putting myself out there. Though if I'm being honest I was really hoping for that kiss.

I need to clear my mind. As Lily wakes, I turn back to Janta.

"Want to come with me and take Lily to the park today? I think she could use the fresh air after yesterday." My words come out with more confidence than I feel, yet my nerves make me antsy as I wait for his answer, hoping he'll say yes.

He nods with a smile that's softer than I expect, further tugging on my growing emotions.

When I pick her up from her crib, I'm happy to see the fever has broken and she's in much happier spirits. By the time I come back out, Janta has the diaper bag packed and is asking me where the stroller is. I grab Lily's favorite baby puff snacks and hand them to Janta, who smiles before putting them in the bag.

The sunshine filters through the trees, casting dappled shadows on the ground as we find a spot near the playground. Janta sets up a blanket, and I gently place Lily down. She's eager to crawl and explore, her little hands reaching out for the bright colors of the play area.

"We've got everything, right?" I ask, my voice carrying a slight edge of anxiety.

Janta nods, unfolding the stroller with practiced ease. "Extra clothes, diapers, wipes, and her water bottle. We're all set." He flashes me a reassuring smile, and I feel a twinge of guilt for my lack of trust. It's just that everything feels so fragile lately.

Lily's laughter pulls me back from the edge of my worries. Janta and I take turns pushing her on the swings, her joy infectious, grounding me at the moment. Watching him with her, his face lights up with genuine delight.

"Look at her," I say, the words slipping out as I stand next to Janta. "She's so happy."

He looks over at me, his eyes softening. "She's not the only one," he replies, and for a moment, the air between us thickens.

The park is filled with the sounds of other children playing, but in this small bubble, it feels like we're the only ones in the world. I take a deep breath, letting the fresh air and laughter wash over me. For a moment, everything feels perfect, and I wish it could always be like this—simple, joyful, uncomplicated.

As the sun climbs higher in the sky, it grows warmer, and Janta's attentiveness doesn't waver. He's constantly checking on Lily, ensuring her little cheeks aren't getting too flushed from the sun.

"Sunscreen time," he announces, as if it's a fun game they're about to play. When he pulls out the sunscreen, his actions are gentle and careful, and Lily patiently lets him dab the cream onto her skin.

Lily claps her hands, giggling, and I'm surprised by how domestic and natural this scene looks—how right it feels.

"Good job, Lily," I chime in, trying to keep my voice light, though my heart feels heavy with burgeoning emotions.

As the day unfolds, Janta's nurturing doesn't stop. He's always a step ahead, from ensuring Lily tries some fruit during our picnic to finding a shady spot for her to sit and play when she starts to tire. His foresight in taking care of her needs makes me smile, yet it also sends a ripple of longing through me.

I watch them, observing the easy rapport between them. Each laugh they share; each look they exchange—it all adds layers to my already complex feelings for him. My admiration for Janta deepens, and with it, a sense of fear creeps in.

How am I supposed to keep my feelings in check when every act of kindness he shows, every smile he gives Lily, only makes me fall a little more for him?

It's a beautiful, sunny day, perfect in so many ways, yet I'm internally wrestling with a storm of emotions. As I watch Janta lift Lily into the air, her squeals of delight echoing around the park, I realize how much I want this—this picture of us as a family. But the fear of what that might mean, of the changes it could bring, holds me back, leaving me to admire from a distance, my heart quietly yearning.

As the day fades into evening, the soft glow of the kitchen light and the gentle steam rising from my cup of tea create a comforting backdrop. I'm on the phone with Sophia, pouring out the tangled emotions that have been swirling inside me all day.

"Soph, it's just... I don't know what to do. Every moment with Janta today felt so natural, so right. Watching him with Lily, seeing how caring and attentive he is—it's like looking at what could be, you know?" I confess, tracing the rim of my teacup with my finger.

Sophia's voice comes through, warm and understanding. "It sounds beautiful, really. But I hear that worry in your voice. What's holding you back?"

I sigh, my gaze drifting to the window where the last light of day lingers. "Everything is so complicated. We're co-parents, and now, these feelings... I'm scared of messing things up, especially for Lily. I can't risk her stability."

Sophia's tone is a blend of softness and seriousness. "That's a valid fear. But have you considered that what's best for Lily is to see her mom happy and loved?"

Her words sink in, stirring fear and longing in my heart. "I want that, I really do. It's just so hard to know if I'm making the right decision."

"Have you talked to Janta?" Sophia asks, her question pointed, cutting through my cloud of uncertainty.

I pause, the idea sparking both excitement and anxiety. "No, I haven't. I'm not even sure if he feels the same way. What if I'm just reading too much into everything?"

Sophia chuckles softly. "Rayna, from what you've told me about how he acts around you and Lily, I'd say there's a good chance he might feel the same. Maybe it's worth finding out?"

I nod, even though she can't see me. "Thanks, Soph. I think I might just need a little more time to figure things out. But talking to you has helped clear some of the fog."

We chat a little longer, Sophia offering both comfort and laughter, and by the time we hang up, I don't have all the answers, but I feel lighter, armed with the gentle reminder that whatever path I choose, I don't have to walk it alone.

After hanging up, I let the calm of the evening wash over me as I resolve to keep things strictly platonic with Janta. The stability we've cultivated for Lily means everything, and the thought of jeopardizing it makes me uneasy. My feelings for Janta are undeniable, intense, and deeply confusing, but I keep reminding myself that Lily's well-being is my absolute priority.

I focus on the simple truths. Janta and I are good together, not just as potential romantic partners, but as co-parents. We're a team, and right now, our teamwork is about providing a loving, stable environment for Lily.

I decide I'm going to busy myself with being the best mother I can be. It's difficult keeping my emotions for Janta in check, but each day, I remind myself of the reasons behind my choice. Love is complex, but a mother's love is clear-cut and straightforward. For now, that clarity has to guide me.