Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Nathanial

She has a legitimate point.

I hate that she has a legitimate point. I hate that this is a bullshit cliché. I hate that Cliff, a friend up in the northern forests is going to be able to laugh at me about this. Most bears tend to a job like his, if they take a human job. He's a forest ranger. He fell in love with a human woman and watching him struggle over it all was an eye-rolling experience.

Except not now.

Now, I understand.

And damn it, it's even harder than Cliff made it seem. I can't imagine giving up my solitary life. The only thing worse than that would be giving up Addison. This kind of war inside of me is all-consuming regardless of how irritatingly stereotypical it might be. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do to reconcile to paths that seem absolutely irreconcilable.

"What the hell man?" Frankie asks. It's only then that I realize I've been just sitting and not working at all. We've been polishing the chrome on the display engine. Well, he's been polishing chrome. I've been standing here.

"Damn it," I say. "Sorry, man."

He laughs and shakes his head. "You don't realize this is the second time."

"Second time?"

"This is the second time I've asked what the hell is going on with you and the second time you said those exact words."

"Exact words?"

"Damn it. Sorry, man." He laughs and says, "Why don't you just go home and tell that girl you love her for fuck's sake.

"It's not that simple," I say.

"Yeah, it is," he says. He has so much mirth in his voice. Makes me want to punch him. He's a tiger. I could take him in a fight but it would not be pretty. "I swear you fucking bears are always so serious. Every single one of you goes through the same bullshit roller coaster. I love her. I want to be alone. I love her. I want to be alone. Oh, woe is fucking me."

"Come on, man," I say. It's hard to be angry with him now because he's just so damned right.

"And every bear I've ever known chooses the girl. Every single one. Most of them do it in time to not lose her but there's no guarantee about that, man. I've seen guys come to their senses and the woman just closes the door on his face."

"But she knows I'm a bear," I say. What a lame thing for me to say, right?

"You know, I really hate people who use something as an excuse to behave poorly. People who have abuse in their background act like that entitles them to be abusive. People who don't have a good father figure think cheating is okay and not their fault. People get cheated and think that means they're entitled to cheat others.

"What the hell does that?—"

"People who think being a shifter means they get to blame the animal anytime they do something stupid."

He stands up and walks away. His words just hang there in the air. "That's not the drop the mic moment you think it is!" I call after him. He doesn't even turn around. He knows I'm wrong. It's absolutely the moment he thinks that it is.

I follow him and check out the staffing levels. We've got plenty of people in. "I'll be on call for the rest of the day," I say. My promotion certainly has its benefits. I guess I can admit that.

I don't realize I'm still wearing the fire uniform until I get to her door and knock. She opens it and looks at me warily. I can see in her face there have been a lot of tears and the part that kills me is that I don't see a lot of hope.

"I'm a bear," I say, "and that can make me an asshole. It makes me need to be alone sometimes and?—"

"I never said you couldn't be alone sometimes!" she protests.

"Hush!" I say. She instantly freezes and looks at me with the same wonder and near adoration that she always displays when I take a firm tone. Her eyes still flash the defiance that I love. "I'm trying to say something. I'm a bear and sometimes I need to be alone and sometimes, too much of the time, I don't bother to think about anyone else in my life." I sigh and say, "Well, now, I've lost my train of thought." She opens her mouth to say something and I quickly say, "But hush anyway."

That confuses her but she does what I say.

"I needed to be alone because the bear in me was fighting with the man in me. The bear wants to be wild. The man wants you."

"Me?" she asks. Now she's really confused.

"You can either invite me in or I can drag you out on the porch to finish the conversation, Addy. Your choice." She smiles a little bit nervously, steps to the left, and gestures for me to come in. I step in and close the door.

"I'm a bear, and that means I'm not used to feeling the way I feel about you. I'm not used to wanting to spend every single moment of my life with someone. I don't have any frame of reference for that at all. I don't… It's completely new and it took me some time to wrap my head around it.

"You want to spend every moment with me?" she asks.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you," I say, "aren't you… " I see her smiling and realize she's not confused. She's not nervous anymore either.