7. Its Not a Living

It's Not a Living

Hadley generally kept to herself during the weekend, except for Fridays when the Pink Ladies maintained their routine of stopping by, except now they'd bring a hot dinner instead of fruity adult drinks. Excitement bubbled as she noticed her empty driveway and started to wonder what the Ladies would have in store for her. She paused, confused to see the light on in her living room, but shrugged and dug around her school bag for her key. I must've forgotten to turn it off. When she walked in, her stomach knotted, and she swallowed hard. Her dad was yelling at someone, but she could only see the back of him from where she stood in the front entrance. She debated running up the stairs and hiding in her room, but her father must have heard the door open because he swung around.

"Bout time you showed up."

"Dad?Is someone else here?" Hadley crept slowly into the living room but it was otherwise empty.

"Is someone ‘posed to be here?" Hadley watched him blink so slowly she thought he fell asleep for a second.

"No, I just mean… I thought I heard you talking when I walked in."

"Ya'did."

Hadley waited for more, but when her father didn't elaborate, she just nodded and turned to walk upstairs. Hadley looked forward to Friday nights, but now the whole night felt wrong. She wasn't sure the Pink Ladies would want to come over. Usually they had the house to themselves and would eat and dance around for a while until inevitably her father came home drunk. It would be then when he would embarrass her, often mumbling to himself and blatantly ignoring the Ladies.

She peered down the steps and watched her father. He was parading around the living room, loudly reenacting an argument he must have had earlier. That must've been what she heard him doing when she first walked in. She sighed and tiptoed to her room, taking a seat on the bench attached to her bay window. It was nice weather, so she opened the window to let the fresh breeze calm her nerves. She anxiously awaited the Pink Ladies' arrival, which would be any minute. She wondered if her father would retreat to his room or if maybe she should invite the Ladies to hang out in her bedroom. Is he going to let them come inside? Would they even want to?

Hadley looked up when she heard Jeanine's burgundy Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme pull into the driveway. She was about to jump up, wanting to meet them at the front door, but froze when she heard their voices travel from the driveway right through her window.

Francie: "I don't know how long I'm going to last if Michael is home."

Jeanine: "We don't even know if he's home. The driveway is empty. We made Elizabeth a promise. Let's at least get Hadley to eat a decent meal and then we can make up an excuse to head out early if we need to."

Christine: "You girls are acting like he wasn't always this bad."

Jeanine:"He was bad before, you're right… but he's insufferable now."

Francie:"I don't know how Elizabeth put up with him. Always covering up for him and acting like he was the husband and father of the year."

Christine:"Turns out he's as big a jackass as we thought. Frank hates that I spend Fridays around Michael. Makes him uneasy. Let's just get through this for Hadley's sake."

Jeanine:"For Hadley's sake. Poor girl lives with the man, surely we can put up with him for an hour…"

The conversation was a kick to the stomach. Not wanting to embarrass the Ladies, she took a deep breath before she bounced down the stairs, prepared to act like she wasn't utterly crushed. After a quick glance around, finding the living room empty, though her father's whiskey tumbler still sat on the coffee table, she let the ladies in. She spent the next half hour acting almost too happy, not wanting to make the situation worse or make the Ladies feel guilty. She scarfed down the homemade lasagna and garlic bread that Jeanine brought, praising every bite, before lighting up over the blueberry cupcakes Francie brought.

After they finished eating, Hadley started to act tired, yawning dramatically. "We should probably let you go, you seem really tired," Jeanine said while rubbing her arm. "Are you sure you're okay?" Jeanine asked again, to which Hadley lied and quickly replied, "Yes, of course. Just tired from school." Noticeably relieved to not have to make up their own excuse, the Ladies left, waving concernedly on the way out. Usually they'd turn on music and convince Hadley to dance around the living room. It was the fun end to the school week that she always loved. Today there was no dancing. Once they left, she snuck up to her bedroom where she stayed all night, not wanting to further aggravate her father, who had stormed out to the backyard for some "peace and quiet" once the Ladies showed up. Hadley and her father continued to avoid each other for the rest of the night and all day Saturday.

***

"Greg's picking me up so I can get the car before work tomorrow."

"Okay." Hadley nodded. "Do you want me to get dinner ready for when you get back?"

"Did I say I was comin' right back?" He rolled his eyes and walked out, leaving Hadley standing there feeling stupid. That was rude. She decided to put dinner in the oven and hunker down on the couch. She often stayed in her bedroom when her dad was around, so it was nice to be back in the living room. She had some of the best memories with her mom on this couch. She grabbed the folded orange and brown afghan resting on the back of the couch and set it on the cushion. Before she settled, she quickly ran upstairs and randomly plucked Trying Hard to Hear You by Sandra Scoppettone from the bookcase in her room before returning to the living room. She decided if she didn't find anything decent on television that she could read instead.

She grabbed the kitchen timer and twisted it to the twenty-five-minute mark. Once it started ticking time down, she picked up the remote to turn on the television, placing the timer and the book next to her. She wrapped the blanket around her body as she curled against the couch for a quiet evening alone. She landed on the series It's a Living, which was new that year, so she'd only seen it a few times. The sitcom surrounded a group of waitresses in California and it always made her wonder what her first job would one day be. I could be a waitress.

When the timer went off it startled Hadley, who was focused intently on the show. Shrugging the blanket off her shoulders, she stood up and padded to the kitchen. She grabbed a set of oven mitts and carefully took out her meal – an aluminum tray split into three triangles. The largest triangle held macaroni and cheese and the two smaller sections held peas and glazed carrots. She pulled out a fork and balanced it on top of her dinner before slowly walking back to the couch. She sat down immersing herself in the television program while mindlessly eating her subpar dinner.

***

Slam! Hadley must have drifted asleep. She shot up to a seated position after hearing the front door slam shut and locked eyes with her very angry, very drunk father. Quickly surveying her surroundings, she realized she never threw out her dinner. It was laying on the floor next to the couch with a few stray peas scattered.

"Hey, dad," she muttered slowly. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to say she was happy to see him. It would have been a lie but maybe it would assuage his temper. Before she had a chance to continue her internal debate, her dad let out an angry, "What the hell are you doing."

Hadley felt her cheeks burn. "I'm sorry, dad, I guess I fell asleep."

"Pick up this mess. Immediately."

"I will, I'm sorry…"

"Sorry. Yeah, you're sorry alright. Brat." Her father was swaying but his feet were planted firmly in place. He towered over his daughter.

Hadley quickly turned off the television and stood up. She bent down and collected the loose peas along with her tray and fork from the floor. She made her way to the kitchen to throw the trash away. She tried to keep busy by washing the fork when she felt her father's hot breath on her neck. Hadley delicately placed her fork at the bottom of the sink and turned her body around in what felt like slow motion. She was facing him now, trying to muster courage, but instead found herself leaning backwards away from him. Please don't hurt me.

"Let me make this clear," his voice was low and rumbled against Hadley's ears. Tears brimmed her frightened blue eyes. She tried to blink them away, but it only led to one escaping down her cheek. "This is my house." His voice grew. "That is my television and those are my meals." He was pointing around the room at everything that belonged to him. "I work hard to pay for this shit, and I don't need your greedy hands all over it."

Hadley felt panicked at this moment. She looked for a way to slip free but her father had her cornered against the sink with little room to wiggle free. Tears were quietly streaming now, and she prayed her mom would somehow show up. The prayer was left unanswered, of course, but her father did eventually step back.

"Suddenly you got nothin' to say?" He shouted.

Hadley felt paralyzed.

After a moment of silence, her father rolled his eyes, spitting out a sardonic laugh while walking to his bar cart.

Hadley took this opportunity to run. She darted to the staircase, tripping over her feet halfway up. Her knee slammed down on the edge of a step, but she quickly recovered and continued her hasty escape. Once in her room, she shut the door and her body slid down the wooden barrier until she was left crumbled on the floor in a pile of tears. This is not living. She felt lost and confused. She held her throbbing knee while the walls closed in on her.

Panicking, she squeezed her eyes shut, sucking in the surrounding air, waiting to feel a release that never came. She started to feel an intense tightening within her chest as her vision turned blue. She tried to convince herself to exhale but couldn't. Moments later her body collapsed.

She wasn't sure what happened, but she woke up what felt like hours later with a gasp, wiping at her wet cheeks. She pulled her body upright and placed both hands on her chest, focused on calming her breath until it felt natural. Hadley repositioned herself first to be kneeling then to a standing position. After a moment in place, she walked quietly, navigating around the known creaky spots, until she made it to her bed. She laid on top of her comforter, not bothering to tuck herself in, and fell into a bleak exhaustion.