5. A Boulder of Doubt

A Boulder of Doubt

Soon enough it was Thursday. Hadley hugged her backpack on her lap and mindlessly tapped her white Keds against the floor of the bus. She gazed wide-eyed out the window, staring intently until Dorothy's farm came into focus. She only had a fleeting view but in those few seconds she counted four horses of varying coats. Closest to the road was a rose gray mare, grazing easily on the pasture that surrounded her. Hadley also saw one white horse and one covered in a beautiful khaki patchwork. The other two must be the dark brown ones I spotted the other day. Were the horses related? Did they have different personalities? Will they like me? She perked up with each question that popped into her head.

As soon as she stepped off the bus, she broke into a slight jog to her front porch. Fumbling with her house key, she opened the door and reeled with kinetic energy. She carried her backpack up to her bedroom, dropped it by her bed, and quickly turned around, ready to leave. She stopped moving for a minute and started to worry if she'd get in trouble for leaving the house. She wasn't sure when her father would get home or if he'd even notice if she wasn't in her room. I could leave him a note maybe, so he knows where I am. But if I were to write the wrong thing, he'll fume. She stretched and clenched her fingers a few times, releasing her nerves. She decided against the note and left for the farm, hoping her dad wouldn't notice.

***

Ducking between the wooden fence rails, Hadley crossed onto the farm as a new reason to worry settled in her chest. Maybe Dorothy was only being polite by offering for her to come back. Her energy shifted from buzzing to nervous as her gait slowed dramatically. Looking around, she realized she didn't see any horses in the field. Where is everyone? Maybe Dorothy's hiding with the animals to avoid me. Feeling hesitant, she started to wring her hands as she walked toward the farmhouse. "You're being ridiculous," Hadley whispered.

She did her best to ignore the growing boulder of doubts and insecurity forming in her stomach when suddenly she heard a loud creaking to her right. Startled, Hadley's right hand swung to her chest, covering her pounding heart. Looking around nervously, she didn't see anything or anyone, until the barn door swung open to the tune of rust-covered hinges. Dorothy stepped out and Hadley took a deep breath, dropping her hands anxiously to her sides.

"Hadley, dear, I'm so glad you made it." Dorothy's melodic tone allowed Hadley to release the tension lodged between her shoulders.

She waved and called out "Hiya, ma'am!"

"Now, don't go startin' again with that ma'am business, dear. Dorothy is just fine." Dorothy blew out a puff of air, releasing a slight razzing noise, and waved Hadley off with a big smile. "Well now, come on. I have some horses for you to meet."

***

The horses, munching on green hay and alfalfa, stared at Hadley as she approached, particularly interested in the small woven wicker basket in her hand filled with oversized bright orange carrots. Dorothy encouraged her to hand feed one to each of the horses, explaining it would help establish trust.

Despite her shaky hand, she slowly offered a carrot to the first mare, holding it with the tips of her fingers. Her hand snapped back like an over-extended rubber band the moment the horse took a bite. "Whoa. Sorry, their teeth are so big." Hadley let out a nervous laugh.

"Not to worry, dear. They only want the carrot."

Hadley nodded, placing all of her faith in Dorothy's smile as she offered the next few horses the same treat. Her hand steadied as they progressed.

An hour later, Dorothy had introduced Hadley to five horses, taking her time to explain the nuances between each animal. Some were older, some friendlier, and a few who preferred to roam alone. "Three of the horses get particularly proud whenever they're chosen for a ride. They love any kind of human interaction. Those are the gals that usually help me with my riding lessons."

"Makes sense." Hadley tried her best to take in every fact Dorothy shared, though she already forgot the first horse's name. Was it Buttercup or Butterscotch? There was so much Hadley was ready to learn. For the first time in a while, it felt as though she were happy, joyful even. She smiled easily as they approached the final stall, occupied by the white horse she had spotted from the school bus earlier that day.

This horse, who was smaller than the others and had a stunning dark brown mane, let out a soft nicker as they approached. Hadley glanced at Dorothy, who reassured her of the horse's friendly intent. Hadley turned her attention back and raised her arm to offer up the large carrot, like she had with the others. She giggled as the mare pranced her slender front legs in place as she ate the treat. "I remember this one time my mom told me I used to dance as a baby whenever she fed me strawberries. I guess they were my favorite."

Dorothy let out a chuckle. "Oh yes. This here is Miss Snow White. She's actually a light gray, but don't go tellin' her that. If you couldn't tell, she loves carrots. Almost as much as she loves peppermint candies."

"I didn't know horses ate candy," Hadley responded. She reached her hand out instinctively and rubbed Snow White's neck.

"Well now, not all candy, dear. But peppermints are good for digestion. Though they'll eat as many as you offer, so it's important to not give out too many. Imagine how you'd feel after too much candy."

Hadley hadn't had any candy since her mom passed away. It wasn't a treat her dad thought to bring home, and she knew better than to ask for any. She saved her requests for things like shampoo or toothpaste. She did remember, though, being younger with bellyaches after sneaking too many of her mom's chocolate covered cherries. Her mom would rub her back and remind her that less is more when it came to indulgences.

Smiling at Dorothy, she nodded her response, "So what else does Snow White like?"

"This girl loves to prance around and can pick up some speed when the mood strikes. She's my smallest horse. She was a tiny foal, and her original owner didn't want her. It looked as if she'd stay a runt, but she was bred for a competition circuit. I was afraid of what might happen to the pretty pony, so I purchased her and brought her back here."

"She doesn't seem that small." Hadley tilted her head quizzically.

"You're right. She grew up well with that big appetite of hers. Sure, she's still the smallest I've got, but her larger-than-life personality makes up for her short stature."

After learning about Snow White, Hadley followed Dorothy back outside and stepped into the sunlight. The horses were content, left to finish their food piles.

"Is it hard to ride them?" Hadley questioned, trying to mask her eagerness, but hoping her question would lead to an offer to try. She knew exactly which horse she would choose if Dorothy allowed.

Dorothy chuckled, "It's easy so long as you listen and respect the animal." Hadley nodded her agreement. "Unfortunately, we won't be riding the horses this afternoon."

Hadley tried to contain her disappointment, but she was sure it showed on her face. "Oh, okay."

Insecurity clogged her throat like a thick, cold mud as she ran through the last two hours in her mind, trying to figure out what went wrong and why Dorothy didn't like her after all. Her shoulders sagged. Feeling the dense mud spread through her gut, she decided to politely excuse herself.

As if on cue, Dorothy spoke up. "Not to worry, dear. Thing is, I fed the horses later than normal. I thought it best to have them stalled for your first introduction. I didn't want to overwhelm you or them." Hadley's eyes lifted with renewed hope. Before she could respond, feeling silly over her moment of dejection, Dorothy continued. "Now that they've eaten, they should rest up a bit. You see, dear, it's dangerous to force exercise after eating because of pressure on their lungs and in their gut. Horses can get colic easily."

"Cah-lic" Hadley slowly repeated. She cocked her head as her voice lifted.

"Yes, it's quite bad for them. I'll teach you more about that stuff next time." Dorothy said as she waved away the very idea of colic. Next time. That meant she would be back! Hadley felt like Snow White, wanting to prance around. "If you would like, come on ‘round tomorrow after school. They'll be roamin' ‘round freely."

Hadley let out a fast "thank you" for the invitation. The mud cleared and was quickly replaced with lightweight butterflies. After exchanging a few more pleasantries, Hadley waved goodbye and started her journey back home. Dorothy called out to remember to get her dad's permission. She looked over her shoulder and let out a "I know, I will." Hoping it sounded more convincing than it was honest.

***

Her dad's car was in the driveway as Hadley approached her house. She hesitated before walking inside, anxious over the unknown state of her dad, but luckily slipped inside without so much as a creak. She crept up the stairs and grabbed her school books and assignments from her backpack. She sat against her window, where she normally did her homework, rushing through the assignments that would normally have been done by now. The harder she focused on her civil war map of battles the more her mind drifted to today's adventure. She caught herself lost in a few horse-centered daydreams.

She was debating how early she could go to bed so she could wake up, get through school, and go back, when she heard her dad's deep voice from downstairs. She sighed with relief when he was only hollering to say he threw dinner into the oven. As far as he knew, she was upstairs the whole time. She opened her bedroom door and responded evenly with a "thanks, just finishing my homework and I'll be down." There was no response back.

Hadley mainly finished her assignment, leaving a few questions blank, and hurried down to eat. It was rare for her father to join her for dinner. Usually she made her own french bread pizza or Stouffer's meal whenever she felt hungry. Any other time she would have cherished this rare moment and tried to convince her dad to share a memory or even talk about work, but tonight she didn't engage. She felt protective of her new friendship and didn't want to let it slip or say anything that might upset him.

She looked across the table and noticed the tumbler three fingers deep with bourbon sitting next to his Stouffer's classic meatloaf tray. Of course. Since he didn't offer her any conversation, they sat and ate in silence. Every so often a smile twitched at the corners of her mouth that she hid behind a drink of water. Once done, she gulped down the rest of her water with the same speed with which her father did his bourbon. Aluminum trays empty, she obediently collected them for the trash and placed their forks and her water glass in the sink. She'd wash them in the morning with her cereal bowl. Her dad stood up, ready to refill his tumbler as she let out a hasty "Thanks dad, night." She was already halfway through the living room by the time he turned around to nod.

Ready for tomorrow to come, she laid in bed, grabbed her teddy bear, and forced her eyes shut. She eventually nodded off, dreaming of cantering horses and wind in her hair.