24. Here Makes Me Happy

Here Makes Me Happy

Hadley had been dreading today ever since she ate those delicious glazed donuts. Over the last few days, her sadness transformed into resentment. She hated her father.Hated him for forcing her to give up the farm. Hated him for making her work. Hated him somehow for her mom's death. For turning her into a fifteen-year-old adult. She understood enough to know this was a deep seeded hatred she'd developed. It wasn't the type that other kids her age shouted after minor inconveniences. This was a true, real hatred. She tried to ignore it but it festered like a slow burn. One that would leave its marks on her for the rest of her life.

Despite her frustrations, she made sure to do her best at the flower shop. If she was forced to keep working, she wanted to make sure she did a good job. It would end worse for her to lose this job and have to find another one, knowing her father would terrorize her if the money stopped coming in. She bottled up her emotions and swallowed them down. As far as Steve or any customer was concerned, she was the picture of happiness.

Yesterday, Steve unknowingly pulled Hadley out of her wallowing with a surprise. He reminded her Friday is her last day of freedom before the school year and told her to go enjoy it. He handed her the full week's pay and told her he'd see her Monday afternoon. Hadley couldn't wait to tell Snow White they'd have a full day together. She was overwhelmed by her boss's unprovoked kindness. She almost wrapped him in a hug before she remembered he wasn't Dorothy. She'd grown to trust him but a little butterfly in her stomach always reminded her that if she didn't do enough, he could still fire her. She wished she would have bonded with him the way she did with Dorothy, but it just felt different. Instead, she thanked him several times and continued to make sure he was certain before she finally left.

***

Without needing to work today, Hadley had the entire day to spend on the farm. She woke up at her usual time so as to not raise suspicions and made sure to grab the peppermint she stole from her father's dirty laundry before heading out. She followed her normal routine, except for the direction she turned at the end of her driveway.

As she approached the farm, all frustration with her father melted away. She took a cleansing breath as she ducked through the fencing and walked toward the small ranch one last time. Was it really the last time she'd visit the farm? She promised Dorothy many times she'd visit, but would she? She wasn't sure. She wanted to maintain the relationship she formed with Dorothy but had a hard time believing she'd actually be welcomed back. Once Dorothy realized she had been abandoned, she would probably be disappointed in Hadley and would resent her. If Dorothy had to give up the horses, it would be Hadley's fault. It was always her fault.

She paused in place, feeling the turmoil bubble up in her stomach. That overwhelming peace she felt by the fence was fleeting. She stood in place and did a slow 360 degree turn. The farm was always bewitching despite the fact that the buildings, including Dorothy's house, all showed signs of deterioration. Dorothy used to joke and say the buildings weren't rundown, they were just well loved in and well lived in. She'd say those aren't cracks, that barn's just burstin' with memories. She would say if you think that's bad, I'd hate to know what you think about my wrinkles. That's just aging, dear; a beautiful thing. Hadley caught herself smiling as she moved her eyes around. Dorothy always had the best perspective on life. Her farm wasn't run down, it was seasoned with love. Hadley hoped one day she would have her own life and like Dorothy find the best in everything. As contentment washed away her apprehension, Hadley continued her walk. She approached the dusty white ranch and pushed open the door. She slid her shoes off, as she always did, and hollered out her customary greeting.

"Hello, dear, come on in." Dorothy was standing in the corner of the kitchen, undoubtedly baking. The house smelled like fresh bananas and warm vanilla spice.

"You're not already baking are you?"

"Who, me?" Hadley giggled at the twinkle in Dorothy's eyes. "Take a seat, I made us breakfast."

Hadley promptly sat down and fiddled with her fingers as she waited for Dorothy to approach with two stacks of pancakes. Each pile was covered in banana slices, miniature chocolate chips, and an oversized pad of half-melted butter. "We've got whipped cream and syrup. Take your pick."

"Ohh.Syrup, please!"

"Comin' right up."

"These look so delicious. I know I told you yesterday I could come all day but I was not expecting you to have breakfast for us. This is nice… Thank you." Hadley's appreciation was genuine, despite the tears in her eyes.

"Us girls gotta eat, right?" Hadley smiled. Dorothy returned to the table with a plastic bottle of Aunt Jemima's as she continued her thought. "I wanted to talk with ya too, before I lose you to Snow White for the day."

The words ‘lose you' hit Hadley hard. Dorothy said it lightly and didn't mean it in the final sense. Did she? Either way, it stung. "Oh, okay," Hadley said slowly. She focused on the syrup she was swirling onto her pancakes instead of on Dorothy. She was afraid to look up. Afraid to make eye contact.

"Don't go worryin' yourself, dear. I just wanted to catch up with ya. Nothing bad. You have a lot going on next week and I know your daddy ain't the most thoughtful so I wanted to make sure you had someone to talk to. This is your sophomore year coming up, right?"

"Oh," Hadley sighed with relief. "Yeah, starting my sophomore year."

"Are you nervous? Do you have everything you need?"

"I'm a little nervous, I guess," Hadley said as she chewed through a forkful of fluffy pancakes. "I have everything I need though. I'm just not sure what to expect. Last year was hard. I mean, I passed everything but I'm definitely not a star student."

Dorothy smiled at Hadley as she began to cut into her own stack of pancakes. "It's okay to not be the star. It's impossible for everyone to be the best at everything. Wouldn't make sense. I mean logically, only one person can be the best. It's okay if it's not you. One day you'll find the thing that you're the best at. Takes time." Hadley nodded. She never considered that but it made sense. "So, tell me about your new schedule. Are you going to be okay?"

Hadley wiped at a tear. "I don't think I'll ever be okay without my afternoons with Snow White. She feels like my best friend. Silly, right…"

"No, dear. Not even a little silly."

Hadley shrugged. She pushed her forkful of pancakes through the syrup on her plate before taking another bite. "I mean, I guess it's fine. I'll walk to the bus stop in the morning, make it through the school day, then take the bus home. I have to figure out if I'll have time to stop home first or if I will get off the bus and head to work right away. The flower shop is like a twenty minute walk past my house. Once I get there, I'm there until it closes… then I walk home and start dinner and homework and chores…"

"That's quite a busy day, dear. Are you sure you can handle it?"

"I don't think I really have a choice. My dad said I have to work no matter what."

"I wish I had the money to pay ya here as a job. Even with the extra money that Kimberly brings in, there's just nothing left in the pot at the end of the day."

"It's okay," Hadley said while shaking her head. "I wouldn't have expected you to pay me. This isn't a job to me. This is honestly the only place that feels like home anymore. I don't think my dad means to, but he makes things hard there. But here, it's easy. Here makes me happy. Made me… here made me happy, I guess." Hadley's eyes welled up. If today was her last day, then this was also the last day she'd get to feel the peace and freedom. The last day the wind would brush against her, carrying away her anxiety.

"You're not banished, dear."

"I know, I'm just sad about it all."

"I'm sad, too. But you promised you'd visit when you can. I know Kimberly and I teach on the weekends but if that's your only free time, I'm sure we can figure that out. You still promise to visit, right?"

"I promise…"

"Good. Now that that's settled, go on and finish your breakfast. I'm sure Snow White is waitin' on you."

"Thank you, Dorothy." They locked misty eyes and smiled at each other before finishing their plates in a shared silence.

***

"Hey pretty girl," Hadley said as she entered the barn. Snow White let out a loud nicker and pranced in place as Hadley approached her stall. The dance move usually made her laugh but today all she could manage was a weak smile. "I'm glad you're excited to see me," Hadley said with a gentle tone. She reached out and rubbed the side of Snow White's neck. "Look what I have for you." Hadley pulled the candy out of her pocket and Snow White responded by swishing her tail and letting out a snort. "Can I take you on a ride? We have catching up to do." Hadley asked, letting the silence linger between them, momentarily forgetting the horse didn't speak. She took the continued pitter patter of the horse's front hooves as a sign of agreement.

Hadley guided Snow White to the entrance of the barn and went through the usual motions for saddling up and safely climbing on the horse. Once on the back of her favorite horse, she sucked in and released a deep breath of fresh air before squeezing her legs against the mare to indicate her readiness and the duo moved as one, slowly at first, toward the center of the field. Hadley took this time to mentally debate where to start. She was used to talking with the horse and sharing her secrets, however this conversation felt different. Of course the horse wouldn't respond, but she believed that Snow White would understand. She wanted to be careful to not say the wrong thing. She didn't want to upset her best friend. She had already let down so many people.

Hadley wiped at her eyes. "So, school starts on Monday. It's going to change things a lot." She let out a heavy sigh as her head dropped. She stared at the horn on the worn leather saddle as she fought back a full-on cry. After a few moments, Hadley lifted her gaze. She shifted into a cantor, thankful to the wind for clearing away her tears. Once they reached a comfortable pace, she continued to explain how she would need to work after school and wouldn't be able to get to the farm everyday anymore.

"I love these rides, Snowy. You're my best friend. I'm honestly not even sure how I'm going to survive without you. Dorothy told me to keep visiting whenever I can but I'm afraid she'll change her mind. She'll be really mad at me once the barn work piles up. I don't think she can pay Jeremy to come more. And, well, don't tell her I said this, but I think she's too old to clean the stalls herself. You wouldn't mind being cleaner would you?" Hadley tried for a joke but it fell flat. She wiped at her tear stained cheeks as she admitted the hardest truth. "Oh, Snowy. Even on my worst days, you make things easier. You remind me what happiness is. You remind me how it felt before my mom died. Before my dad became so mean. He expects so much from me now. I'm never going to be good enough for him. You make me feel good enough. You're always happy to see me. Thank you for that." Hadley let her words linger, unsure what else to say. She spent the next half hour roaming the farm in a trot. Hadley took in every moment of the ride, noticing how easily Snow White responded to her every move.

Finally, despite how hard Hadley tried to avoid this moment, the barn was back in sight. "Well, pretty girl, I guess this is it." A fresh set of tears spilled out of Hadley as they slowly moved toward the barn. "I don't know what's going to happen, Snowy. I'm so mad at my dad for this. I think I'll always be mad. But I've been hiding away money and when I turn eighteen, I'm going to leave. I'm going to go far, far away. Maybe I can take you with me. I mean, I doubt Dorothy would let that happen… But wouldn't it be fun? Someday everything will be better. For now, Snowy, I'm just sorry. I'm sorry I can't come back on Monday. Maybe one day I will… until then, please look after Dorothy for me. Keep her as happy as you've kept me."

Snow White let out a rumbling nicker as she nodded her head.

"Thank you," Hadley whispered. Tears poured from her swollen eyes as she folded forward and wrapped herself around the horse. Snow White stood patiently and accepted the hug. Hadley wondered if she understood this was the last ride they'd share. "Okay, girl," she whispered. "Let's get me dismounted so I can get you back into your stall for some rest."

Snow White snorted and lined herself up to the pile of hay bales outside the entrance of the barn. One last time, Hadley threw the guide rope onto the fence post before carefully stepping down. She peeled the equipment off the horse and set it gently on the hay. Hadley smiled as the beautiful, white horse nestled against her neck before resting her muzzle on Hadley's shoulder. Hadley would take this memory with her. She would hold on to this feeling and use it to keep herself working toward a better tomorrow. One without anger or expectation. One where she would be enough.

"Thank you," she whispered again, this time into the horses' neck. The pair nuzzled one last time before Hadley shook away her emotions and guided the horse back into her stall.

Hadley couldn't bring herself to move. Instead, they locked eyes for what felt like hours. Eventually, Snow White broke the gaze and moved to another corner of her stall to chew on a pile of alfalfa. Snow White moved on from the moment. It was time now for Hadley to figure out how to do the same. She choked out a quiet goodbye, turned around, and left.

***