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8. Marley

CHAPTER 8

Marley

A tivan—lorazepam—works both as a blessing and a curse. The drug is a miracle in ending panic attacks. When you take the pill, it's as if all the worries in life float away. Once you open your eyes and the euphoric emotions the drug provides wear off, you're stuck back in purgatory.

My mind still holds remnants of the fog as I glance over at the side table. Ativan, though, my favorite out of my pharmaceutical concoctions, is not the only drug I have to take. My hand reaches for the bupropion. Unlike the Ativan, I take these daily .

I glance at the piano keys etched on my wrist and remind myself why I can't miss a pill, because without them, I'm drowning. They are the frayed edges of the rope that give me hope I can be okay.

My body shifts and I sense a heavy weight on my legs. When I attempt to move, I realize there are two muscular legs draped around mine and a thick arm encircles my waist. My body shifts and a small moan falls from Iggy's mouth.

My mind swirls with a multitude of questions. How did he end up in my bed? Why is he in my bed? Why do I like his body entwined with mine so damn much? How am I going to navigate this? The truth of the matter is that as much as I might believe this current predicament is an issue, I yearn for it. So does my painfully raging cock.

I have to fuckin' end the madness.

Iggy means too much for me to fuck it up for a release. I shouldn't have done what I did with that groupie. My brain wasn't computing with logic. All I felt was bitterness as Iggy touched another person. The lust and desire that consumed me for him had me making the wrong decisions and not thinking my idiotic plan through. I'd fucked up in so many ways and the idea that I've intrinsically changed the most important relationship in my life has my stomach lurching.

Iggy sleeps peacefully beside me, his large frame appearing like a small child curled in the safety of a warm bed with no care in the world. I wonder what it's like to know peace like that because when I slumber, I'm still surrounded by nightmares.

My fingers brush the hair from his forehead, careful not to disturb him. If I could, I'd stay in bed with Iggy all day, watching his chest rise and fall. I never thought I'd find a man beautiful, but Iggy is a masterpiece. A smile falls on my lips as I think about how my feelings for him must have always been there under the surface, slowly simmering until it boiled over. Yet that emotion that causes this irrefutable yearning for him, that causes every fiber of my being to burn, also causes my lungs to constrict and my mind to rage with debilitating fear. Loving your soulmate is earth-shattering because if things go south, you end up obliterated.

There isn't much in life I'm sure of, but I know Iggy is too important, and I have to fight against the urges that I have for him. I have to fight against these feelings and desires to keep our relationship safe. As much as it pains me, I shove Iggy off me and jump out the bed.

"What the fuck?" Iggy demands, his voice groggy. He rises from the floor, glaring at me. "What the fuck is your problem, Marley?"

"Did you do anything fucked up last night?"

He grits his teeth. "Like making you eat my jizz from a groupie's pussy?"

Fair enough. That was a fucked-up thing to do. "I was high."

"Bullshit," Iggy spits. "Bull-fuckin'-shit. You don't get high; that's my thing. When you sent that girl over, you were sober. The only thing that was happening then that's not now is that you weren't overthinking like you always do." Iggy walks around the bed, taking slow steps until he stands right in front of me. "You acted on impulse." I take a step back so I can breathe, the oxygen in the room suddenly limited. "You fuckin' enjoyed telling me what to do." He shoves my chest with his finger. "Your cock got nice and hard when I took your orders like a good boy."

I can't look at Iggy. I know that I'm responsible for his rage-fueled voice mixed with the rejection and sadness in his eyes. The pain in my heart is not only warranted, it's deserved. I could've left it alone. Chalked it up to a few encounters that went too far, but I wasn't able to control my jealousy and ravenous desire. I know better than anyone how dangerous it can be to allow your emotions to get the better of you.

Iggy's eyes glance down to my fingers, rubbing the tattoo on my wrist. "Why do you keep rubbing that?'

Iggy doesn't know the truth about the tattoo. No one does, but Monica. A part of me wants to tell him everything. My heart couldn't stand it if Iggy knew how fucked up I truly am. He doesn't need to know that I'm on the brink of shattering and how I'll drag him down with me. Like Humpty, I'm eventually going to fall from the wall of life, and not only will Iggy not be able to put me back together, I'll make him break, too.

Marley Banks, the real Humpty Dumpty.

"It's itchy."

"Whatever, man," Iggy spits. He's trying to infuse indifference in his voice, but it sounds like annoyance.

I stand there silently as Iggy throws the clothes he's discarded on the floor back on his body. "It was bold to assume I'd want to sleep beside your naked body."

Iggy doesn't turn around to look at me. His chest rises and falls as his ragged breaths become deafening. He pulls his shirt over his broad frame and then spins to glare at me. He says nothing right away. Instead, he tugs at one of his snake bite piercings, forcing my eyes to zero in on his lips. Iggy lifts his gaze from the ground, stares me down with the intensity of his blue eyes, and smirks. "It was bold of you to send me a load of your cum, but you did it anyway. It's kind of funny, Mar. It seems like you want to take the lead in our so-called relationship." He spits the last word with utter venom before stepping toward me again.

Each step he takes has fear spiking in my head. I'm not sure what he'll do or how my body and mind will react. Iggy smiles once he corners me up against the wall. His eyes smolder, but that twisted smirk remains on his lips. I flinch as his hands slam against the wall by my head. My body shivers as he brings his mouth to my ear and whispers, "To be honest, I've got no problem with you being on top, baby, but you kinda have to be a man to take charge, not a scared, pathetic boy."

My body trembles as Iggy's lips brush against my pulse point. "So what's it gonna be, Mayhem? You gonna man up?" When I don't respond, Iggy uses his hand to push up off the wall and laughs. "Whatever, man, I'm outta here. There are much prettier little bitches than you."

My arm lunges forward and I fist his t-shirt, slamming his back up against the wall. Our eyes lock as my hand snakes around his neck. I am almost expecting Iggy to fight, but he doesn't. "What a good little submissive slut you are, Iggy. Is this what you were hoping for? For me to pin you up against the wall, and do what, exactly?" My other hand moves into my boxers and I pull out my hard dick. "Did you want to suck me off again?" I pull Iggy down by his neck until he's on his knees before me. "Go ahead, be a good boy, and take what you really want. Go on, open that pretty little mouth and gag for me."

Iggy's eyes bounce between my rampaging cock and rage-filled eyes. This time I laugh and smirk down at his face. My hand tightens around his throat. "Who's a pathetic boy now, bitch?"

Strong hands roam up my legs and grab my ass, drawing me forward. Bright blue irises peek up at me. Eyes that hold my soul within their depths and singe me to the darkest parts of my soul. I'm frozen in the moment, lost in this man's beauty as he kneels before me. Iggy smiles as his mouth parts and he places the tip of my dick between his lips. Lips that I want to kiss until they're battered and bruised.

"Iggy." My eyes shut as I moan his name like a tender caress of a lover, forgetting the anger- fueled lust coursing through my veins moments ago.

Then the moment's lost. My ass hits the floor and confusion sets in as I stare at Iggy standing above me. His hands rub against his neck and I can still see the faint red marks my fingers left there.

"I like this shit, Marley. I like the marks you leave on me. Fuck, I even enjoy them. I'll gladly get on my knees and suck your cock so well you'll think I'm going to die from suffocation. You know what I fuckin' won't do?" Iggy bends down, bringing his face a centimeter away from my own. "Be a toy you can wind up and then toss in the corner of a room."

He steps over my legs and walks out, leaving me panting on the floor.

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