Chapter Nine

The day off from the studio had felt agonizing to Cassidy. Mooching around Savannah's massive bright home, looking for a place to be alone, all she'd really wanted was to be back here, in the deep peace of the sound room, music roaring through her until nothing else mattered.

After Savannah had sought her out in the music room, Cassidy had retreated to her bedroom, where at least no one else would try to make small talk. She did what she'd been avoiding since the news of her sister's gay romance had hit the tabloids, and opened her Spotify to Brynn Marshall.

It wasn't that she was homophobic. Her closest friend at the diner where she worked was Tyrell, the only out gay person in town. She'd defended him against rumors and cruel jokes and they"d secretly gotten drunk together on cheap wine after hours on more than one occasion.

But did Savannah have to be so… visible? So out there and ostentatious about it? Had she forgotten that her family lived in a tiny, conservative town? Apparently not, because she gave interviews hinting at what savage rednecks her family were, alluding to Randy's propensity for violence and their mother's quest for respectability. Cassidy had felt the eyes on her all over town, sure everyone was seeing her sister kissing women in TMZ and wondering about her too.

She'd felt sure Savannah was doing it for more attention and more kudos as she distanced herself from her country music roots, her impoverished small town past and her family. And yet, as Lane pointed out, seeing Savannah and Brynn together had the effect of making her ashamed of her judgment and also, weirdly jealous. Cassidy had never seen two people more obviously in love and lust. It was super gross, but it was also clearly very real.

She'd also assumed Brynn was some kind of hanger-on, using her connection with Savannah's star power to create a career for herself. Just two days in the studio hearing her sing was enough to put an end to that idea. Maybe Savannah had discovered her, but, Cassidy thought privately, it would have been a crime if she hadn't.

She curled up on her bed with her headphones on and listened to the entirety of Brynn's album, Jane, for the first time. That evening, at dinner, sitting across from the woman herself, Cassidy couldn't stop staring at her. How? she wanted to blurt. How does that sound come out of you? How do you express pain and loss so that everyone who hears it gets their heart broken too? How do you make songs that make everyone listening feel so much less alone?

Brynn didn't seem to notice her staring, though she involved Cassidy in her usual warmth, cracking jokes and making her son giggle, teasing Savannah and letting Lane mock her. But today, in the studio, Cassidy stared and stared, watching Brynn's hands on the piano keys, watching her take a deep breath to refocus before stepping up to the mic, watching the emotion crease her face as she pushed into the notes she had to hold. How was she doing this?

"I don't know," Greta replied and Cassidy blinked, not realizing she'd spoken out loud. "Some rare people just have the magic." She nodded toward Brynn on the other side of the glass. "The rest of us just have to work at it."

That day at yet another hip local diner, with Brynn, Noah and Coral, Cassidy ate ravenously. She couldn't stop feeling like there was a hole inside her that would never be filled. She felt hungry for something she couldn't describe. She felt hungry for everything.

"You both record with Savannah as well as Brynn," she interrupted the conversation as soon as there was a gap. "What's that like? Are they different to work with?" She struggled to imagine her sister in the studio. Her music just seemed so fully formed and epic, it felt too hard to imagine it slowly taking shape, with Greta snapping at the superstar to sing it again, the way she did to Brynn.

Coral and Noah looked at each other.

"Well, for starters, Brynn is a way bigger prima donna." Noah grinned, ducking as Brynn threw a fry at him.

"They're chalk and cheese," Coral told her. "Savannah records in the biggest damn studio rooms she can find. She likes everyone there with her. It's loud, it's bright, it's collaborative, it's like a party except that everyone better be damn serious about getting it right."

"She and Greta butt heads more," Noah said. "She's not afraid of her like Brynn is." He looked up, ready to dodge another fry, but Brynn just shrugged.

"That's true," she agreed. "Greta would eat me for breakfast, but Savannah's got her own fangs and a spine of steel." She widened her eyes at Cassidy. "It's like gladiators in there."

"Brynn likes more privacy," Noah continued. "She likes these little dark cave rooms to sing in, where she feels cocooned and safe."

Brynn rolled her eyes.

"I don't like recording in rooms that look like operating theaters, that's all."

"Savannah took her into the studio for the first time and Brynn nearly died," Coral explained with a grin. "You've never seen someone so pale and sweaty in all your life. She's had a real thing about bright lights ever since."

"No, you've got it all wrong," Noah corrected. "After she nearly died, Savannah had the lights dimmed and practically made out with her to get her through the song. She's had a thing for romantic studio lighting ever since."

They both cackled as Brynn attempted to ignore them, eating her burger with dignity.

"Of course, sometimes it gets weird," Coral mused. "About six months ago, they were in a fight. Noah and I would go into one studio one day with Savannah and another studio the next day with Brynn and record different sides of the same angsty coin in miserable songs."

"You guys fight?" The words were out before Cassidy could stop her disbelief. Brynn looked at her, and Cassidy shrugged. "I mean, you just seem so sickeningly in love."

"We had a rough patch," Brynn said with a small grimace. "But yeah, we fight, we're human. I mean, I'm perfect," she shrugged, her mouth quirking, "but your sister is stubborn as hell."

"Huh."

"I wouldn't change a hair on her pretty head though," Brynn told her. "Even though she drives me crazy sometimes."

That afternoon during their drive home, Cassidy found herself wanting to ask. She knew it wasn't polite, but she couldn't help craving something real and human about her sister after years of the polished public face being all she got. She blurted the words before she could stop herself.

"What was your rough patch about? You and Savannah?"

Brynn looked surprised. She hesitated. Then she angled her body towards Cassidy in the back seat.

"This pregnancy," she said. "It wasn't our first. Savannah had two miscarriages before this one stuck. They hit us both differently. I'd always worried, even before things went wrong…I guess that's just who I am. Savannah though, she'd been so sure everything would be fine…" Her voice trailed off.

Cassidy swallowed.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Brynn sighed. "It sucked. But when she got pregnant the third time, she wanted to just keep going. She wouldn't - couldn't slow down - I think it was a protective mechanism. Whereas if I could have wrapped her up in bubble wrap, made her sit the hell down and just kept them both safe, I would have. She hated that. She's always been a little feral forest creature on the inside." She smiled, her eyes soft.

Cassidy felt a strange sensation of recognition in her body. That felt real.

"Anyway." Brynn straightened. "We got through it. It took us a while to see eye to eye, but even if we didn't, I'd still want to marry the shit out of her."

"And the baby?" Cassidy suddenly felt horribly aware of the fragility of everything. When she'd seen her sister pregnant, she'd just looked so glowing and robust, Cassidy hadn't even considered the idea of anything ever going wrong.

"The baby's going great," Brynn reassured her. "There's been a couple of scares, but she's growing and healthy, and feisty as hell based on her kicks."

"Her?"

"God help me," Brynn's smile was wide, "I'm about to have two of them."

The next day, lunchtime rolled around and Noah and Brynn were in some kind of guitar tunnel together, working on a riff they disagreed on. Greta threw up her hands and disappeared wherever she disappeared to when she wasn't in the sound room - it felt weird to imagine her anywhere else - and Coral wandered through the doorway.

"Looks like it's just me and you," she said, looking gleeful. "Let's get out of here before either of those guitar nerds catches up."

Cassidy was excited. Hanging out with Coral was exactly how she'd always imagined having a glamorous older sister should feel. She felt simultaneously very sophisticated and about eight years old as she joined Coral on adjoining bar stools.

"Shall we have a sneaky margarita?" Coral asked her. "Noah is a health freak and Brynn is sober, so I hardly ever get a chance to misbehave these days."

Cassidy nodded adamantly. She wasn't really much for booze, but if Coral had suggested lines of cocaine or a casual sky dive, she'd be in.

"Wait, Brynn's sober?" she asked. "Like AA sober?"

"Yeah," Coral flagged down a waiter. "It's part of her appeal, don't you think? That warm, grounded, non-judgemental thing she's got going on. Comes from having crashed and fallen from a great height."

"Huh," Cassidy considered.

"It's part of why she's so damn great with your sister," Coral said. "Savannah's ex-husband was the worst kind of addict. The chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out type. Never did get truly sober, last I heard."

"My parents loved him," Cassidy admitted. "They were on his side when we heard about the divorce."

Coral looked truly sickened.

"That's…" She looked lost for words and Cassidy felt a pang of shame about her family.

"We only met him the once. I think in hindsight all he had to do was turn up and be a guy."

"Gotta love a good strong prejudice," Coral picked up her margarita and tipped her glass against Cassidy's. "And what did you think?"

"I was just a kid?." She shrugged. "I hated him because he just seemed like another reason Savannah was never coming home."

"You missed her a lot." It wasn't a question, so Cassidy didn't answer her.

"How long have you and Noah been together?" she said instead. Coral watched her for a second longer.

"We got married last year. I'd wanted him since I'd first laid eyes on him." She wriggled her eyebrows at Cassidy. "But…it was complicated. When our complications uncomplicated themselves, well," she smirked, "I've never been backwards about grabbing hold of my dreams with both hands. Especially if that dream is a fine-looking man."

Cassidy found herself grinning back. The drink was strong and she could already feel the warmth mellowing her body.

"Oh, that's a knowing look, Miss Cassidy." Coral pointed a finger at her. "You got someone in your sights?"

"No," she denied. "I don't even think about that stuff." She took another sip. "Honestly, I just want to find a way to get started in music. That's the entirety of my daydreams."

"Ohhh." Coral's smile widened. "That's exactly when love grabs you. Look out."

"That's what Brynn said, too." Cassidy was unimpressed.

"Yeah, well, Brynn's smart. And she speaks from experience."

"Why is everyone more interested in whether I have a love life than whether I might get to make music?" Cassidy groused. Coral turned on her stool to look at her fully.

"I think because you seem so closed off," she said mildly, and Cassidy blinked. She hadn't really expected an answer. "I suspect it would be mighty satisfying to see that tough poise a little rattled," Coral added, a hint of tease in her eyes. "But you're right. Tell me about your music dreams."

Cassidy flailed for the right words.

"I want to be real," she said vehemently. "I don't want to be the little sister of a pop star."

Coral sucked in a breath.

"Maybe don't let Savannah hear you call her that," she looked amused. "But sure. I like it so far. Can you sing?"

"I can," Cassidy raised her chin. "I mean, not like Brynn can-"

"Here's a hot tip: do not try to compare yourself to Brynn. Or Savannah. Or anyone. You sing like Cassidy sings and that'll be your thing."

"Yeah," she said, trying to project a confidence she didn't feel.

"What instruments do you play?"

"Guitar, mostly. A little piano. My grandpa taught me banjo too, just like he taught Savannah."

"It's a good start. Read music?"

"No," she admitted. "I play by ear."

"It's a good skill. But you should learn it both ways."

"What else?" Cassidy was eager for any advice Coral could give her. Coral tipped back the last of her drink.

"You look more like a country girl than a would-be country star," she informed her, and Cassidy flushed. "Don't get me wrong, it's cute. But I think you might get a little confidence boost if you dressed the part."

That afternoon, as soon as she got home, Cassidy found her sister.

"That shopping trip you mentioned," she started. Savannah looked up, her eyes brightening. "Are you okay if I go with Coral?" Her sister looked at her a moment longer, her smile morphing into something brighter and less real.

"Of course!" she said. "I'm probably too big to squeeze between clothes racks anyway," she said. Cassidy hesitated. Something akin to regret grew inside her as she considered her sister, the swell of her belly, the charm she was wearing like armor.

"You could come, too?" she tried.

"No, it's fine," Savannah shook her head. "I'd just cramp your style. Have a great time." She heaved herself to her feet. "I'll give you a credit card; knock yourself out."

Cassidy moved before she knew she was going to do it. She wrapped her arms around Savannah and gave her a short, almost savage hug.

"Thank you," she said Then she fled before her sister could hug her back.

They'd whirled through three stores and already they'd picked up some kind of concierge who was storing the mounting pile of bags for them. Cassidy had started out hesitant, choosy, unsure. But Coral had grabbed her chin and made her look her in the eyes.

"Cassidy," she ordered. "Your sister is a gazillionaire and you're fucking beautiful. If you love it, it fits, it feels good and you want it? Buy the damn dress."

Cassidy did. She bought a small pile of dresses, in fact, nothing like the ones she'd packed from home. Short dresses, dresses that highlighted her cleavage, dresses that clung, dresses she'd never have dared run her fingers over, let alone worn in her small town. Then, remembering her life was actually mostly just hanging out around the house at this point, she dragged Coral almost kicking and screaming into more casual stores where she bought jeans, shorts and t-shirts. She bought cute underwear and light summer pajamas, a big cozy hoodie despite the current weather, and three different bathing suits.

They went shoe shopping, Coral laughing her ass off as Cassidy proved her complete inability to walk in heels. They bought heels anyway, Coral giving her lessons and making her strut back and forth across the store until she looked somewhat like a girl who wouldn't break an ankle. She also bought flats, for safety, and new chucks in three shades. And then Coral took her for lunch.

"I should have made Savannah come with us," Cassidy said guiltily. "I feel weird spending all her money."

"She doesn't care about the money," Coral told her, spearing salad on her fork. "It's the time with you she wants."

Cassidy wasn't sure how to bite back on that one. Coral was Savannah's best friend. Couldn't she see the irony that Savannah had wilfully missed Cassidy's whole life so far, before suddenly feeling sad her little sister didn't want to hang out at the mall?

"I'll hang out with her when I get home." Cassidy neatly circumnavigated that line of conversation. "She struggles to get off the couch at the moment, so she's not hard to track down."

"Oof, it looks uncomfortable, doesn't it?" Coral scrunched her perfect nose.

"You and Noah don't want kids?" Cassidy found she hoped not. Coral seemed too classy and gorgeous to imagine her getting crawled all over by a drooling baby.

"You know, we talked about it? Using a surrogate. But in the end, we ruled it out. We like being selfish too much." She smiled gleefully.

"A surrogate?" Cassidy asked. Honestly, these rich people. She thought about it. "That does sound smart. You'd get to keep your figure."

Coral put down her fork, amusement sparkling off her features.

"That's true," she said, "but somewhat of a secondary consideration in our case. Honey, I'm transgender. You didn't know?"

Cassidy flushed bright red. The only thing she'd ever really heard about transgender women was that they were looking to assault innocent women in public bathrooms. Looking at Coral, she instantly knew that was a bald and horrible lie. The idea of Coral not being welcome in any women's spaces was ludicrous.

"I didn't," she said quietly. "I didn't know. Please don't hate me for being stupid."

"Hate you?" Coral looked astonished. "Why would I hate you?"

"Because you already know I'm one of Savannah's backwards redneck family members from down home. Famous in the New York Times for being terrible to all queer people," she said miserably. "Not that you're queer. I mean, are you? Sorry, I am ignorant." She glared down at her fingers.

"Sweetpea." Coral waited until she looked up. "You're not representative of anyone but yourself. Are you terrible to queer people?"

"I've not been great," she admitted. "I was shitty to Lane when I first met them. And I told them I thought Savannah got gay-married to be woke."

A snort of laughter escaped Coral.

"I'm sorry," she said. "Just the way you put that was…" she trailed off, her face getting serious. "Do you still think that?"

"No," she said, shamefacedly. "I've seen them together. If any two people are in love, it's those two."

"And Lane?"

"I apologized. I was an asshole. They deserve better. And I'm doing better, even though…I don't really understand."

"You don't have to understand everything about a person to treat them with respect."

"No," she looked down. "That's true."

"And me?" Coral looked at her directly. "Are we cool here?"

"Yes," Cassidy breathed. "I mean, if you are with me."

"Listen honey, you could stand to learn a little bit more about life. Don't you think?" Cassidy nodded, feeling the truth of that with a little sting. "But you're alright by me. Now, listen, how do you feel about a little bit of a girls' day makeover?"