55. Arik

Irealized what he'd said to me before his wedding made sense.

I'd been so hurt.

He'd made me incapable of loving anyone else, so I'd always struggled with that night.

I finally understood it.

"Tell me not to marry her, or tell me I'm not stupid for flying halfway around the world to chase our memories. Tell me fucking anything to make me not do this." Varian was too close, the casual intimacy we'd had since Warped impossible to rid ourselves of.

My chest heaved. Everything he wanted me to tell him sat on the tip of my tongue. But all the words died there. I knew I couldn't forgive him. He had a kid. He should be with her.

We were a word from making it work, but I was a missed pill away from falling apart. Why did I think showing up here would make me get over him?

"That's what I thought." He closed his eyes. "You'll never forgive me."

"It's more complicated than that."

"Why do you answer the phone when I call?" He cupped my cheek. "Why do you come when I call?"

"Because I love you."

He took a shuddering breath, resting his forehead against mine. "Please ask me not to go through with this. I need you to say it."

"I can't." It wasn't my place.

"Please, Arik." He rubbed his thumb over my face, and in that instant, I regretted every choice we'd ever made.

I regretted not quitting.

I regretted not fighting for us.

I knew I'd never get over him.

But I couldn't be selfish anymore.

He had a kid.

How could one summer ruin the rest of my life? Why did I still love someone who left me a decade ago? I wish any of it made sense. But the summer of love and loss would forever be a stain on my heart that colored any other love.

Love shouldn't be compared as it's all different, but how do you settle for a pittance after having the universe?

I can't unsee or unfeel those moments.

He permanently changed my brain chemistry, and I know I'll never be the same.

Why the fuck did he have to still haunt me?

I got another ghost tattoo that night. One carrying a water molecule. Then I posted on my blog and blocked him on everything. I blocked the rest of his band and everyone else I could think of, so he had no way of contacting me.

Tonight I'm drowning with my feet on dry land.

Love is like dying a thousand deaths, each one more painful than the last, and you don't even get the sweet oblivion of peace.

I'd do anything to get back to July and live on repeat.

* * *

I don't know how I made it to the bus. I felt sucked dry.

When I found Ser sitting in the front lounge, I laid my head in his lap.

"Want to talk about it? Or do you just want comfort?" He pushed his fingers into my hair.

"I don't even know what to say." My entire body shuddered in a sob.

"What did he say to you in there?" Worry came through Ser's voice.

"I can't talk about it." I pressed my face into his stomach.

"Can't?" he asked.

"No, it's not mine to tell, but don't ever fucking let me come face to face with Lindsay again."

"Why?" His worry turned to shock.

"Because I swear to fucking god, I will wrap my hands around her throat to watch the life go out of her eyes. I'm not joking. I'm not exaggerating. I will kill that piece of shit."

Ser didn't say anything for a long moment, caught off guard. "What could she have done to someone you don't even like to cause that reaction?"

"I may not like him, but I love him. And that cunt needs to be six feet under the ground." I shook with my rage.

"Fuck. So should I get Kiernan and tell him we're going to need help hiding a body?"

"Maybe. He might be too much of a liability."

"You're right. We'll get Koa and Hael." He rubbed my back lightly.

"Koa might try to kill her first. You have to tell him no. He doesn't listen to me."

I slept. Which was shocking for me. I think I was too emotionally drained, and my brain powered down.

I avoided Varian for days.

Because I didn't know how to look him in the eyes.

I didn't know how to handle his assault without getting angry, and I felt horrible because what fucking right did I have to be angry? And I felt guilty for being mad at him. Why wasn't he angry? How did he play happy family? How did he live with her? How did he sleep with her?

I knew it wasn't my place to be mad.

And worst of all, I hated myself for closing my eyes late at night and reliving the kiss while I fucked my hand. I burned every detail into memory. The way his hand felt against my cheek.

His tongue and teeth.

The need in his gasps.

all these pent-up feelings keeping me warm through the apriL showers.

i can't stOp thinking about ghosts.

maybe i should stop chasing them.

or maybe i should just get another Variation of the same tattoo.

maybe a trip to the chEmist would fix my brain.

At my very lowest, I thought about how easy it would be to go find him, drag him back to one of our buses, and fuck him.

Take what was mine back.

* * *

"I need a lobotomy," I announced at breakfast.

"We can get matching lobotomies, so I don't have to listen to Kiernan bitch anymore." Hael took a heavy seat across from me.

"What's up his ass?" Ser asked, flipping through the menu.

"Our PR firm." Hael picked through the jelly.

"Pass me a grape," Ser said.

I poked my fork at him. "Don't even start with me."

"Touchy." Ser took the grape jelly Hael passed him. "I'm going to take you to a brothel when we play Vegas so you can release some stress."

"Don't you fucking dare." I cringed, knowing I wouldn't be able to get hard for anyone else.

"Can you imagine?" Koa giggled behind his hand. "He would hate you so much, and he'd be awkward as fuck."

I almost couldn't be mad watching the giant man who most people were scared of full-on giggling.

I flipped them all off. "I should have quit the band before this stupid-ass tour."

* * *

When we got back to the venue, Varian was there.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?"

I hesitated.

"Just a sec. Please?"

I exhaled. "Sure."

"Come to my bus?"

He closed the door behind us, and I awkwardly stood in the middle of the front lounge.

"Sit, please."

"I don't want to sit." I tucked my hands in my pockets, telling myself it didn't matter what my revenge fantasies were, I could not jump him.

He shoved a hand into his hair. "Please don't tell anyone that story. I know I have no right to ask you for anything after what I've done, but I really do want to protect my child."

I stared at him. "I would never."

"Thank you. Nova means the world to me?—"

I cut him off. "Not for Nova. I would never do that to you. Your trauma is yours. I wouldn't ever betray you."

He dropped his chin, shoulders sagging. "Thank you."

"Why did you marry her?" I finally asked. "How could you?"

"My head wasn't good. And when you wouldn't tell me not to, I convinced myself you hated me and wanted me to suffer. I thought I deserved it. That's why I tried to make it work so long with her." His sadness killed me.

"I didn't hate you. Much the opposite. I was still desperately in love with you, and I knew if I didn't completely remove myself from your life, you'd never give your marriage a real shot. If I had known…" I felt hollow.

"Maybe it was my penance for what I did."

"You can't actually believe that."

"It feels that way." His head hung.

"You need to speak to someone." My chest ached. He needed to see this wasn't his fault.

"I'm sorry." Varian turned away from me, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Varian, you have to talk to someone."

"Maybe I will. I have a lot to get out."

I turned to leave but paused, reaching for the handle. I didn't want to go. I hated myself. "I need to smoke or have a drink. I don't want to be awake right now. My brain can't take it."

"Don't go."

I looked over my shoulder. "That's not a good idea."

"Just for old time's sake. I won't kiss you again."

"I don't trust myself around you. I can't." I went to war with myself.

"We can drink and go back to what we're good at. Instead of small talk, we'll confess."

"Confessions didn't work, remember? We had too many questions."

"Questions it is." Varian's fingers brushed over the back of my arm. "Weed or drinks?"

"Weed. I have to be sober enough to play tonight."

We both took a couple of hits.

"Why'd you remove the dopamine symbol from your ghost?" Varian asked.

"Coming out of the gate swinging, I see." I sank lower in my seat. "To be honest, that was in my anger phase. I had them laser that part off so I could replace what he was carrying as a fuck you."

"What did you replace it with?" He was holding back emotion, but I didn't want to put it off or lie. That wouldn't get us anywhere.

"Nothing. The ghost is empty-handed."

"I don't know why that hurts more than anything else probably would."

"It was meant to." I scrubbed a hand over my face. "We love to go to the worst when we play this game."

"No shit." He laughed without humor.

"How did you marry her after that? How did you stay with her? How can you love her? Like I do not understand how the fuck you have a happy family with her when she did that to you."

"I had a breakdown. You blocked me. Wouldn't speak to me, so I convinced myself to be with the person who loved me and was the mother of my child. I wanted Nova to have a good life even at the expense of mine."

"That's not okay," I murmured.

"I told you, I thought it was what I deserved. I gaslit myself for a long time that it was a different type of love and that if I worked hard enough, it would work. But it wasn't enough for her."

It took me a full second to process what he said. "What wasn't enough?"

"I don't love her, and she knows it. She deserves someone who loves her."He met my eyes, searching.

"No, she fucking doesn't." I shoved to my feet and dug through his cabinet until I found the liquor and two glasses.

"You said you need to be sober enough to play." He put his hand over mine on the bottle.

"It's this or get a car to the airport."And I still hadn't ruled out strangling her.

He lifted his hand, and I poured us both a drink. I sipped mine, trying to calm my murderous thoughts.

"Wait, rewind." I ran through everything we'd said.

"Yes?"

"You said you're not enough, that she deserves someone who loves her…" I stared at him.

"Yes. She loves me. I don't love her. I couldn't even fuck her. It's not fair to her to stay with me anymore." He downed his drink.

"What are you saying?" My ears started ringing, and my vision narrowed.

"She left me." His voice carried no emotion.

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" I threw myself to my feet, not sure if I should be chugging from the bottle or making an escape so I didn't do anything stupid.

"I tried before you bolted from the elevator."

My brain was on information overload. "Wait, you couldn't fuck her?"

"We tried a handful of times because she wanted another kid, but turns out, I can't get it up with the meds and stuff."

"Not at all?" I didn't want to believe any of this, but deep in my bones, I knew he was telling the truth. I looked anywhere but at him. I was on the verge of doing something really stupid.

"I don't know if it's because I'm gay and maybe not bisexual after all. But more than that, I've been in love with you for half of my life. I can't settle when I know you exist."

We collided.

Coming together more like stars than lovers.

But maybe our crash was as unavoidable as gravity.