37. Louise

Clara gripped her blanket as the plane took off. ‘How long exactly until we land?’ she asked, eyes wide.

‘It should be three hours and five minutes, but it depends on winds and air traffic.’

‘What if we get stuck in the sky?’

‘Clara, planes don’t get stuck in the sky. There are flights every day from Dublin to Rome. They always land.’

‘Planes can crash, Mummy.’

‘I know, but they very, very rarely do.’

‘I wish Luna was here.’ Clara’s hands began to flap.

‘Christelle and Kelly will look after her so well. She’ll get lots of cuddles.’

‘She’ll miss me.’

‘Yes, pet, but we’ll be back in three days.’

‘Seventy-six-and-a-half hours.’

‘Yes, as long as nothing is delayed, which hopefully it won’t be.’

‘What if the car you hired breaks down?’

‘It won’t, Clara. I’ve booked the most reliable, safest car they have.’

‘What if … what if … Anna doesn’t love me?’

‘Oh, sweetheart, of course she will. She loves you already from your calls.’

‘Lots of people in school don’t love me or even like me.’

‘Well, they’re just stupid.’

‘No, Mummy. Oliver is very smart. He gets almost as good grades as me.’

‘I mean emotionally stupid, immature. They don’t see how incredible you are.’

Clara sighed. ‘Sometimes I really wish I was like other kids. Life would be much easier. I’d understand games and jokes and I wouldn’t feel strange.’

Oh, Clara, my beautiful, precious Clara.

‘Darling, no two people are the same. And, yes, I know that having autism makes life more difficult. I understand that it’s harder for you to navigate the world than for other people, but that’s your superpower. You see the world from a different angle. It’s what makes you unique and incredible.’

‘That’s what Granny used to say.’

‘Granny was a very wise woman.’ Thank you, Mum, for loving Clara with all of your heart, I thought, for the millionth time.

‘What if the pilot gets sick and we have to land somewhere else?’ Clara’s eyes were wide again.

I knew this could go on for hours. My head was throbbing from lack of sleep. Clara had come to me five times the night before to ask questions and check the travel schedule.

‘Will I put on Casablanca for you?’

‘Okay.’

Yes!

She put on her big headphones and I played the movie. I sank back into my seat and closed my eyes. Hopefully we wouldn’t be delayed landing and the queue for car hire would not be long. Clara didn’t do well in crowded public places. I was also terrified she’d have a meltdown when she got to Marco’s place. I had a knot in my stomach. I still wasn’t even sure I was doing the right thing. She said she wanted to go to see her dad and meet her nonna , but would she actually be able for it? Were we moving too fast?

I stopped the car halfway down the lane to the farmhouse and turned to Clara. ‘If you have any doubts, we can turn back. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.’

‘I want to do it.’

‘Okay.’ I started the car.

‘But, Mummy?’

‘Yes?’

‘Will you hold my hand?’

‘Of course I will, and I won’t let go until you say it’s okay.’

Marco was outside waiting for us. I’d texted to say what time we’d be arriving. He waved his arms in the air and ran towards the car. I signalled at him to calm down.

He stood back and let Clara open the door.

‘ Amore ,’ he said.

‘Hi.’ She was shy. I got out and went around to her. I felt her hand slip into mine.

Marco resisted hugging her. ‘Welcome to my house,’ he said.

‘It’s much bigger than it looks in photos,’ Clara said. ‘I don’t like the colour of your shutters.’

Marco laughed. ‘We’ll change them and you can choose the colour. Now, will you come in and meet my mother? She is preparing the cake for you.’

Clara hesitated, then tentatively followed Marco inside, still holding my hand.

‘Come, come.’ Marco opened the door to the kitchen.

I could feel Clara tense. Anna turned around and squealed. She came rushing over with her arms outstretched.

‘No, Mamma,’ Marco warned her.

She pushed him aside and shuffled straight over to us. Clara squeezed my hand. I tried to put out my arm to stop Anna, but she was not to be deterred. She put her hands up to Clara’s face, looked into her eyes and said, ‘ Mia cara Claretta.’

Clara was frozen to the spot. None of us moved.

Slowly, Clara let go of my hand and put it on her grandmother’s shoulder. She gently pulled back. ‘I am glad to meet you, but please don’t touch my face.’

Marco translated. His mother dropped her hands and spoke to him.

‘She is very sorry. She is just so excited to meet you at last.’ Anna nodded, she turned to the oven and took out a freshly baked cake. ‘ Torta per Claretta,’ she said.

She cut slices while we sat down and handed one to Clara.

Clara looked at it and pushed it away. ‘It’s soggy. I can’t eat soggy food.’

‘Marco, can you please explain to your mother that it’s not the cake. Clara just has issues with the texture of food.’

To make up for Anna’s disappointment, I ate my slice and Clara’s.

Clara looked around the kitchen. ‘Everything is very old here.’

Marco laughed. ‘Yes, we ’ave lived here for a long time. We like the old things. They ’ave memories.’

‘It smells funny.’ Clara sniffed the air. ‘Everything is different. It’s not home … it’s …’ I saw her hands flapping. I could see her cheeks were flushed.

I was too late to stop it. She began to rock, then cry, scream and hyperventilate. I had to get her out. I half carried her to the car and sat her in the back seat. I climbed in beside her. I didn’t touch her. I knew I had to let this run its course. I handed her her blanket and played ‘Fernando’ on my phone.

She cried and cried. Marco and his mother stood at the front door with tears streaming down their faces. I left Clara and went over to them.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said.

‘It’s okay. It’s just a lot for her to take in.’

‘Do you want to leave?’

‘No. We need to let her calm down. She has her blanket and her music and she needs quiet now. I’m going to sit beside her until she feels better. It could be a while. Why don’t you go inside and I’ll come and get you?’

Twenty minutes later, Clara stopped rocking and crying. She laid her head against the seat in front. ‘I want to go home, Mummy,’ she whispered.

‘Okay, sweetheart. We’ll go. Let me just tell Marco and Anna.’

Marco was crushed. Before we left, he asked if he could show Clara something he had got for her. I wasn’t sure, but I felt bad about the whole fiasco, so I said okay.

He came over to the car holding a tiny chocolate Labrador puppy. He had floppy ears and a black button nose.

Marco held the sleeping puppy up to the car window. Clara looked at it.

‘Give her a minute,’ I whispered.

She rolled down the window and took a closer look.

‘This is for you. His name is Miracolo, because you are my miracle.’

I petted the puppy’s sweet head. It was like velvet.

Clara tentatively reached over to the puppy. She touched his head with the tip of a finger. She didn’t flinch, which was a good sign. It meant that the feel of his fur didn’t bother her. She petted him again using three fingers. The puppy opened his eyes and looked up at her.

‘Oooh, he’s so cute,’ she said.

She petted him again.

He licked her hand. Oh, no. I waited for her to pull away.

‘His tongue feels just like Luna’s, Mummy. It’s a bit rough and scratchy.’ She wiped it on her trousers.

The puppy began to whine and stretched towards Clara for more petting.

‘He likes you, Claretta,’ Marco said. ‘My arm is getting tired. Can you ’old him for one minute?’

‘Okay.’

Marco gently placed the puppy into her lap. He sat looking up at her with his big brown eyes and I watched as my daughter fell in love with him. She petted him while Marco and I watched in silence.

‘He’s shaking, Mummy.’

‘I think he’s nervous because you and I are strangers to him. Give him a cuddle,’ I suggested.

She held him close and the puppy began to calm down and snuggle into her shoulder.

‘Well done,’ I whispered to Marco.

‘I research and they say Labrador ees the best dog for the autism,’ he whispered back. Then he said aloud to Clara, ‘Miracolo will be ’ere for you any time you want to come and pet him.’

Clara looked up. ‘I don’t think I should leave him. He’s only just stopped trembling. He needs me to stay and comfort him. He’s scared of everything because he’s so small and it’s all new to him.’

‘Do you want to come and give him the food, see the bed I ’ave for his sleeping?’

Clara opened the car door, careful not to disturb Miracolo, and slowly climbed out. She followed Marco back into the house to check her puppy’s bed.

I followed them. I knew Clara would be exhausted and need a long sleep. Meltdowns wore her out. But I was so glad the puppy had worked its magic and got her to go back in and feel more at ease.

Anna took my hand as I walked into the kitchen.

‘ Va bene , Louisa, tutto bene .’ She patted my hand.

I hoped she was right and that everything would be okay. We heard laughing and peered into the back porch where Clara and Marco were giggling at the puppy, who was running in circles chasing his tail.

‘He’s just like Luna,’ she said to Marco. ‘He’s like a boy and dog version of her. I love him.’

I smiled at Anna and she rubbed my back. ‘ Tutto bene .’

Clara crashed out as soon as we got to the hotel. I knew she’d sleep for at least fourteen or fifteen hours. My phone had been hopping all day. It was time to fill in the family on how things had gone.

I set up a five-way chat with my siblings and Dad. All of their faces came on screen except Dad’s.

‘Hold your phone up higher, Dad,’ Sophie said.

‘All we can see are your knees,’ Julie told him.

Dad rustled around and eventually got the phone to show the top half of his face. It would do.

‘Well?’ Julie asked.

I filled them in.

Julie reacted first. ‘Poor Clara. But brilliant about the puppy.’

‘Marco sounds like he really gets Clara,’ Sophie said.

‘That was a clever move. Labradors are the best.’ Gavin was impressed.

‘Will she go back tomorrow, do you think?’ Dad asked.

‘I think so because she said she wants to feed the puppy. But I won’t know until tomorrow morning when she wakes up. Hopefully she will. Any news from home?’ I was happy to be distracted with other news.

‘Tell her about Pippa,’ Julie told Sophie.

‘She’s signed over full custody of Robert to Jack.’

‘Wow, how does Jack feel?’

‘He’s gutted for Robert that his mum has basically dumped him, but he’s happy that he doesn’t have to worry about his boy being with her if she falls off the wagon.’

‘Are you okay about it?’

Sophie shrugged. ‘I have no choice. What can I do? He’s Jack’s son and I love him. He’s a great kid. Do I want to raise a little boy who is not technically mine? Not really, no, but he’s part of our family and we’ll muddle through.’

‘I hope Jack is giving you all the kudos you deserve,’ Julie said.

Sophie smiled. ‘He is. In fact …’ She waved her hand in front of the camera.

‘OMG, is that a ring?’ Julie gasped.

‘Yep. Jack asked me to marry him.’

‘Sure, you’re already married.’ Dad was confused.

‘Divorced, Dad, remember. We’re going to get remarried.’

‘Lord save us, married to the same fellow twice.’

Ignoring Dad, I congratulated my sister.

‘Thanks. Jack wants to make us an official family again. He’s very emotional about the Robert situation and he wants us to be legally married.’

‘What does Jess think?’ Gavin asked.

‘Actually, she’s thrilled. It’s been really sweet to see how happy she is. She’s currently spending hours looking up websites to find her bridesmaid’s dress.’

‘Damn, I was hoping to put on a big pouffy dress and be your bridesmaid.’ Julie laughed.

‘Do I have to make a speech?’ Dad asked.

‘Just make the same one you did last time.’ Gavin chuckled.

‘Ha-ha, very funny. No, Dad, no speeches. It’ll just be a really small family wedding. Nothing like the circus our first wedding was. We’re going to the registry office and then having a family lunch at home. I don’t need two hundred guests, some of whom I barely know. I just want you guys. It’s kind of a new beginning for us, now we’re officially a family of four. Jack really wants to do it, so I’m going with it. It’ll be nice and Jess is so thrilled. It’s so lovely to see her excited about something again. I think she was always secretly worried that Jack and I might break up again, so I’m happy to show her that we’re fully committed to each other.’

‘Can we do it abroad, somewhere warm and sunny?’ Julie asked.

‘Yes! Shania and I could do with a break,’ Gavin agreed.

‘Poor you. Are you worn out working part-time?’ I smirked at him.

‘Yes, actually, I am, because it’s not part-time. Three weeks in and I’m running the whole production side of the business already and looking after Lemon in the afternoons. I don’t want to hear any more crap about men not being able to multitask.’

‘Good for you,’ Julie said. ‘I need a better balance in my life. I’m too invested in the kids. I need something for me.’

‘Go for it, Julie. It would be good for you to have your own identity outside the house,’ I encouraged her.

‘It really helped me,’ Sophie admitted. ‘Although I was forced back to work due to being broke, I enjoyed earning my own money. It gave me my confidence back. Mind you, I have to admit that the modelling world is losing its shine for me, and with Robert to look after and his school schedule, it’s going to be tricky to juggle the long hours. I need to have a chat with Jack and really dig down into how we’re going to manage everything going forward.’

‘It’ll be hard on you, Sophie,’ Julie said.

‘I know, but it’s my new reality.’

‘How are you, Dad?’ I asked.

‘Ah, sure, ticking along.’

‘With Pat by his side,’ Julie added.

‘Really? More dates?’ I raised an eyebrow at Dad.

Dad cleared his throat. ‘A few.’

‘Do you like her?’ Sophie asked.

‘She’s a nice woman. A lot more considerate and kind than Dolores. Less forceful.’

‘She always seemed nice,’ I said.

‘Bring her over for coffee next week,’ Julie said.

‘Really?’ Dad was surprised.

‘You deserve to have companionship in your life, and I’d like to have her over.’

‘Can I come?’ Sophie asked.

‘Me too. Can you do afternoon coffee?’ Gavin asked.

‘Me three. I’ll be home on Sunday and I’m still on leave from work.’

‘I’d better go, Lemon’s kicking off,’ Gavin said, as Lemon roared in the background.

‘Hold on!’ Sophie waved her hands.

‘What?’ Gavin asked.

‘Are you all free the weekend of the 12th?’

‘Yes,’ we all answered.

‘Good, because Jack and I are going to get married on the Saturday, and after the registry office bit we want you to come to a lunch here at the house to celebrate.’

‘Amazing!’ Julie said.

‘Suits me,’ I said.

‘Deadly!’ Gavin grinned. ‘I’ll let Shania know.’

‘Pat is welcome to come too, Dad.’ Sophie smiled.

‘Ah, hold on a minute now, we’re just pals. It’s a bit early for family weddings.’ Dad was taken aback.

‘I just don’t want you to be lonely,’ Sophie said.

‘I’m always lonely, but I’m learning to live with it and getting used to the quiet.’

‘Mum would be so happy you and Jack are getting married again, Sophie,’ Julie said.

‘She loved a wedding,’ I added.

‘Stop,’ Sophie sniffed. ‘I wish with all my heart she was coming.’

So did I, and I wished she was there with me right now, helping me and Clara to navigate this new part of her life. And mine.