27. Sophie

Jess sat beside Jack on the couch, scrolling through all the things she wanted for her sixteenth birthday. Jack, as usual, was indulging her.

‘You don’t need three pairs of cargos, Jess,’ I pointed out.

She glared at me. ‘I’ll wear them loads and they’re not even that expensive.’

‘Ah, let her get them. It’s a big birthday.’

Here we go again with the spoiling and the never saying no. I was not raising a kid who thought she could snap her fingers and get what she wanted.

‘Jack,’ my voice was firm, ‘one pair is plenty.’

‘Okay.’ Jack winked at Jess, thinking I was stupid or blind. I hated when he did that ignore-Mum-she’s-a-pain thing. If I didn’t discipline Jess and rein her in, she’d turn into an entitled princess. A bit like I’d been back in the day – a stupid, vacuous (I’d had to look up the word after Louise called me vacuous all those years ago), materialistic, spoiled idiot. Jack had spoiled me and we had lived a lavish lifestyle. I’m not going to pretend I hadn’t enjoyed it, but I do think that the crash to earth, in the long run, was a good thing.

Resisting the urge to shout, I asked Jess what she wanted to do on the big day.

‘Will I book Nando’s for a family dinner? We can bring Robert?’ I suggested.

Jess looked appalled. ‘OMG, no way. That’s so lame. I want a party here.’

This was the first I’d heard of it. ‘For how many?’

She didn’t even look up from her phone. ‘I dunno – like, forty?’

Our house was not big. It was a perfect size for the three, sometimes four of us, but I wasn’t sure where forty kids would fit.

‘Forty is too many.’

‘Well, you’re the one who always says include everyone, it’s mean to leave people out,’ she reminded me.

‘Are you inviting boys too?’ Jack raised an eyebrow.

‘Obviously. I’m not a loser.’

‘Will you invite the triplets?’ I asked. I knew that if they were coming Sebastian might be too. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing having the party here. At least I’d get to keep an eye on what was going on and see if she and Sebastian were completely over or if she still had a crush on him, which I prayed she didn’t.

‘Of course I’m inviting them.’

‘And Sebastian?’

‘I’m inviting the whole team, so I guess I’ll include him.’ She scrolled on her phone.

I was afraid to ask any further questions because I knew she’d clam up. It was better for me to see it for myself. I’d agree to the party.

‘Okay, let’s agree to forty, but not one kid more. The house isn’t big enough. Write up a list of names to make sure you’ve included everyone and that it doesn’t go over forty.’

‘Oh, my God, what are we? A million years old? I’m not writing a list. I know who’s coming and it won’t be more than forty.’

‘And no alcohol,’ I warned her.

‘And no canoodling with boys.’ Jack grinned.

Jess sighed. ‘Forget it. I’m not having a party with you two annoying me.’

Jack wrapped his arm around her and pulled her in for a hug. ‘You’re so gorgeous. I know tons of boys will be queuing up and it’s my job to see them off until you’re thirty.’

She swatted him away but was smiling. ‘Seriously, though, you can’t be there. Go out for dinner or something. No one’s parents are at their parties. You have to go out or hide upstairs.’

‘I’m not hiding in my own home, thank you.’

‘Mum, I’m serious. You cannot come in. It’s so embarrassing.’

‘Relax, Jess, we were young once. We won’t come in. We’ll leave you alone. I’ll take your mum out to dinner, but we’ll be back by midnight to clear everyone out.’

Jess looked relieved. Over my dead body was I going out and leaving a bunch of randy sixteen-year-olds, who would, no doubt, come with backpacks full of alcohol, alone in my house. But I let Jess believe what she wanted. I was determined to get a closer look at Sebastian and her relationship with him. Julie was no help with information. All she kept saying was that the triplets didn’t know anything, but that Jess should stay away from Sebastian. I wanted to see for myself that she was, and if having forty teens in the house was one way of doing that, then so be it.

Jack’s phone rang. I saw Pippa’s name flash up. He tensed.

‘Yes? … What? … I can’t understand … Jesus, how much have you had? … Is Robert okay? … I’m on my way.’ Jack jumped up from the couch and rushed to the front door.

‘What is it?’ I asked.

‘She’s plastered and incoherent. I need to get Robert out of there.’

‘I’ll come with you.’ I grabbed my coat.

‘I want to come too.’ Jess looked upset.

‘No,’ Jack said. ‘Stay here, put on some pasta for Robert. I doubt he’s eaten. We’ll be back soon.’

‘Dad, I want to help. I can mind him while you deal with Pippa. I can help.’

I was actually glad to see Jess putting someone else first.

‘Let her come, Jack. She’s right, she can focus on Robert. We don’t know what state Pippa will be in.’

‘Okay,’ Jack reluctantly agreed. ‘But come on, quick.’

Jack drove like a lunatic to Pippa’s apartment. What would usually take twenty minutes, took ten. I clung to the door handle but kept quiet. Jack’s jaw was set and his hands were gripping the steering wheel tightly. Jess sat in the back and chewed her thumbnail.

Jack flung the car at the kerb and we leaped out and ran up the stairs to the second floor.

‘Pippa? Robert?’ Jack banged on the door.

Nothing.

He banged louder and raised his voice.

‘Do you think it’s really bad, Mum?’ Jess whispered to me. Jack’s rising panic was worrying her. I began to regret saying she should come along.

‘She’s probably just drunk, but we need to get Robert out of there.’

One of the neighbours, a lady in her seventies, popped her head out from behind her front door, disturbed by the commotion.

‘Sorry,’ I said, ‘we’re just a bit worried. Pippa seemed unwell on the phone. This is Robert’s father.’ I pointed to Jack.

‘I’m Alice. I have a spare key. Pippa often forgets hers,’ the lady said.

‘Oh, thank God.’ Jack went over to her, and she handed him a key.

‘It’s none of my business but …’ she hesitated ‘… Pippa seems to be struggling a bit lately. She stumbles a lot and forgets things. I found Robert locked out yesterday. Pippa had popped out to the shops but didn’t come back for hours. I brought him in here.’

Oh, God, things were worse than we had imagined.

I thanked Alice and gave her our phone numbers. ‘Please call us if it ever happens again. We’ll come and get Robert. Thank you so much.’

Meanwhile, Jack opened and burst through the door. I rushed after him, with Jess behind me.

‘Jesus Christ,’ Jack cried out.

Pippa was passed out on the floor of the living room. There was an empty bottle of vodka beside her and three lines of cocaine on the coffee-table. I reached down and checked her pulse. She was breathing, passed out, but breathing.

‘She’s alive,’ I said.

‘Robert?’ Jack roared. ‘It’s Daddy.’

‘ Muuuuum .’ Jess looked at me wild-eyed. In that moment, she looked as young as Robert. She was staring around the room, unable to believe what she was seeing. I could barely believe it myself.

I needed to take control and keep Jess from freaking out.

‘It’s okay, pet. Pippa’s going to be fine. Please go and see if you can find Robert. Jack, I need your help, we need to lift Pippa up.’

Jess went into Robert’s bedroom and then came out. She shook her head, then went into Pippa’s bedroom and I could hear her calling her brother’s name.

We sat Pippa up and Jack slapped her cheeks, calling to her, trying to bring her around. She opened her eyes and closed them again.

I went to help Jess find Robert. My daughter was looking under Pippa’s bed when I came in.

‘I can’t find him anywhere.’ Jess was upset.

I saw a light coming from the slatted door of the corner wardrobe. I walked over, opened the door and found Robert inside. He was curled up on Pippa’s fur coat. He had his headphones on and was watching cartoons on his iPad.

‘Oh, sweetie,’ I said.

‘Thank God he’s okay,’ Jess sobbed.

Robert smiled. ‘Hi, Sophie, did Mummy wake up? I’m really hungry,’ he said, taking off his headphones.

I picked him up and hugged him.

‘Hey, Robert.’ Jess stroked his hair as she fought back tears. ‘It’s okay, we’re all here now.’

‘Tell your dad,’ I told her.

‘Dad, Robert’s in here,’ Jess called, through the bedroom door.

Jack raced in and took Robert from me. Holding him tightly, he exhaled. ‘Oh, buddy, I was so worried.’

Jess slid her hand into mine and leaned into my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head.

‘You’re squashing me, Daddy.’ Robert squirmed under Jack’s tight hold.

‘Sorry – I’m just so happy to see you.’ Jack’s voice shook as he put his son down gently.

Over Robert’s head I whispered, ‘Should we call an ambulance?’

‘No.’ Jack told Jess to take Robert into his bedroom and pack a big bag because he was coming to stay with us for a while.

‘Come on, we’ll pack all your favourite things.’ Jess held her little brother’s hand.

I continued to try to wake Pippa properly while Jack went to the kitchen and filled a jug with cold water, which he then poured over Pippa’s head.

‘ Arghhhhhhh! ’ she shrieked, her eyes opening wide. ‘What the hell?’ She sat up and looked around. ‘What are you doing here? How dare you throw water on me? I’m soaked.’

Jack crouched down. ‘You are a complete disgrace. This is it, Pippa. This is the end. I will not let my son be raised by an addict. Anything could have happened to him. What kind of a mother downs a bottle of vodka and snorts cocaine in front of her kid?’ Jack’s voice shook with emotion.

‘He didn’t see me. I put him in his room. I just needed a little pick-me-up,’ Pippa slurred.

‘Pick-me-up for what? You barely work. You fleece me for cash and go around shagging married men. What exactly do you need a break from?’

Pippa looked awful, underweight, with bags that looked like purple bruises under bloodshot eyes.

‘Vincent dumped me. He promised he’d leave his wife, but the bastard dumped me and I got dropped from the show. They’re giving my slot to a younger girl. I just …’ she waved her arm around ‘… I just never thought my life would be this. Single mum, no career, no man.’ She began to sob. ‘It’s all gone wrong. I … What am I going to do? Who am I? I’ve got nothing, Jack, nothing.’

As much as I disliked her, as much as part of me wanted to say, ‘Who you are is a selfish bitch who doesn’t care about anyone, even your own son. You made your bed, now lie in it,’ I also felt sorry for her. She was crushed. I knew that feeling. I knew what it felt like to have your life fall apart. But I had never put Jess in danger. I had put her first, even when that was the hardest thing in the world to do.

‘You have a beautiful son who needs his mother,’ Jack hissed at her. ‘Get your shit together. Drinking and snorting coke aren’t going to solve your problems. Stop sleeping with married men. Turn up for work on time and sober, and maybe your life will turn a corner. But for now, Pippa, I’m taking Robert and you will not be seeing him until you have sorted yourself out.’

‘Stop lecturing me. It’s all right for you with your happy life. It’s not easy for me, Jack. Give me a break. I’m really struggling here. I could do with some support,’ she cried.

‘A break? I’ve given you a million chances. Our six-year-old son could have taken the cocaine you left lying around and died,’ Jack shouted. ‘Stop sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. It’s pathetic. And I have supported you financially since the day we met. Grow up and cop on.’

He was yelling at her, and it wouldn’t get him anywhere. Jess had come in to see what has happening and she was standing in the doorway, watching Jack lose it with Pippa. She looked at me and I gave her a little smile, to reassure her.

‘Jack, go with Jess and check on Robert.’ I pushed him out of the room. ‘Go on.’ I gestured at Jess. ‘It’s okay. Pippa and I are just going to have a chat.’

‘Okay.’ Jess turned and left.

Pippa bit her lip. ‘All right, then, Sophie, why don’t you slate me too? I know, I know, you’re a great mum and I’m a loser. You have a successful career and I have none. You’re the love of Jack’s life and I was just a temporary fill-in. The great Sophie, Jack’s soul-mate.’

What? Did she actually believe that? When she was with Jack, I’d been jealous of her – she was young, beautiful and successful. My husband was in love with her and my daughter adored her too. I had felt so left out and lonely when Jess went to stay with Jack and Pippa. And here we were, a few years later, and now she felt about me the way I had felt about her. Life was so strange, so full of blind corners. If someone had described this turn of events to me back then, I would have laughed and said it wasn’t possible.

I kept my voice low and gentle. We wouldn’t get through to her by yelling in her face.

‘Pippa, I’m sorry you’re struggling. I can see how hard things are for you, but drinking and doing drugs is not going to help anything or anyone, least of all you. Robert adores you and he needs you. He’s such a great kid and they grow up so fast. Don’t miss out on these precious years. Take some time, get sober, get healthy, and you’ll be able to see things in a much clearer light. You’re young, you’re beautiful – you have so much potential. You can turn your life around, believe me, I know you can, and I’ll help you. I’ll see if I can get you some work through the agency. It’ll be okay. You just need to dig deep and look forward.’

Pippa rubbed her mascara-smudged eyes so she looked even more like a sad panda. ‘I just feel like such a failure. My life was supposed to be fun and glamorous. I want to travel and have money, not be stuck in stupid Dublin in a two-bed rental apartment with a kid. This is not the life I want. I hate it. I can’t bear that this is it. There has to be more. I’m not a suburban mum. I’m worth more than that. This is Hell.’

Welcome to the real world, Pippa, I was thinking. You have a child who needs to be looked after. You’re never going to travel the world on private planes partying with the jet set. That’s not your life. It’s not your reality.

‘A lot of people feel overwhelmed by motherhood and crushed when their careers don’t work out as they imagined. I know life can seem a bit boring, especially when you have a kid, but it’s what you make of it. You need time to figure out what you want for your future, but you can’t sort out your life when you’re drunk and high. You need a clear head to find clarity and purpose.’

Pippa bit her lip. She looked broken. ‘I’m sorry I was such a bitch to you and to your lovely Jess. I always felt insecure around you because I knew Jack still loved you. And then when Robert was born, I really struggled.’ She leaned over and whispered, ‘I hated being a mum and I couldn’t handle Jess coming over to stay because I was embarrassed at how badly I was handling motherhood. I pushed her away and I’m really sorry. She’s a great kid.’ Pippa began to cry again. ‘I’ve made such a mess of my life. I thought I’d be famous, rich and successful. I’m drunk, unemployed, and if it wasn’t for Jack paying for my apartment, I’d be homeless too.’ She sobbed into her hands.

It was so weird – I was suddenly seeing the past in a whole different light. All those weekends of pure loneliness when I’d cried my eyes out because Jess was off with her ‘new mother’, the one she preferred, and all the while Pippa was struggling and things were falling apart. Mum used to tell me that how you viewed the world changed as you got older – and now I could really see what she meant. I had seen what I thought was there – and been completely unable to see what was actually happening. I had seen only what I had looked for and been blinded by jealousy and heartbreak. Watching Pippa cry, realizing the truth about her situation, I made myself a promise that I wouldn’t do that again. Getting older was challenging in so many ways, but the good thing was that you were finally able to cut through all the bullshit – your own and everyone else’s.

I rubbed her back. ‘Come on now. Everything looks bleak because you’ve got a booze and cocaine hangover. Get some sleep and things will look different. We’ll take Robert for a few weeks to give you some space. I’ll check in on you tomorrow. We’ll help you get back on your feet.’

‘Thanks, Sophie. I always thought you were a bit of a cold bitch, but you’re not.’

Ouch. I chose to ignore the backhanded compliment.

She looked at me and her shoulders hunched, the picture of defeat. My heart went out to her.

‘The honest truth is,’ she said, ‘I don’t like being a mum. I hate being tied down. I hate the mundane routine. I hate not being able to be spontaneous. I feel like there’s a noose around my neck and I’m being strangled with responsibility. I know that makes me a terrible person even to say those words out loud, especially because Robert’s so sweet, but I just don’t think I’m good at being anyone’s mum.’ She wept into her hands.

Things were a lot worse than I’d thought. This was a total nightmare. She was a wreck. But how could she make any decisions in this state? We needed to help her sober up, clean up and be a decent mother to Robert. She had to grow up. But in my heart of hearts, I wasn’t sure she ever would or could.

I got her a glass of water and covered her with a blanket. Then I went to find the others.

Jack stood back, jaw clenched, as Robert hugged his mum goodbye. Jess stood close to me and watched as Pippa told Robert she loved him but she was a bit tired and needed a few days’ rest.

‘I know I can be a pain to you, but I’m so glad you’re my mum,’ Jess whispered.

‘Thanks, and I love you even when you’re a pain.’

Jess smiled, then held out her hand and walked Robert to the car, chatting to him about his favourite superhero.

I said goodbye to Pippa and she nodded tiredly, almost asleep. I tucked the blanket around her and we walked out.

Jack’s breathing was laboured. I took his hand. ‘Breathe slowly or you’ll have a heart attack and then Robert will be royally screwed.’

Jack grinned and pulled me close to him. ‘If I haven’t told you lately, let me be clear – I love you, Sophie Devlin, and I thank my lucky bloody stars you took me back.’

‘Well, to be fair, the bar is set fairly low with your ex.’ I laughed, relieved at easing the tension. ‘But thanks, and I love you too.’

‘Pippa will never be able to threaten me again about custody. I took photos of her, the table, the cocaine, the drink … everything. I will never, ever put my son in danger again. She’s going to have to prove to me that she’s capable of looking after Robert before I let her take him out of my sight again.’

While I understood and agreed with Jack on the importance of Robert’s safety, I really needed Pippa to sort herself out or I’d end up raising Robert full-time. Being honest, it was not something I wanted to do. I had not signed up to be a full-time mum to a child who was not mine. I had very specifically chosen not to have another child after Jess. I did not want more children. I accepted that Jack had a son when we got back together and I was open to him co-parenting, but not full-time.

In two years Jess would be eighteen and, if she did as I hoped, she’d be headed to college. That would open up a whole new life for me and Jack. But it wouldn’t happen if we had to raise Robert to adulthood. It had felt so good to have Jess take my hand and look to me to sort Pippa – it had been a long, long time since she’d looked at me like that, like she actually respected me. This had been one hell of a day, but the silver lining was that I felt like things were going to be okay with Jess. All the teenage eye-rolling and insults, all that nonsense would eventually fall away, and my lovely Jess would come back to me. Then we’d be friends for life – just like I’d been with Mum.

It was all looking good for our future. I’d just have to make damn sure Pippa got back on her feet.