24. Sophie

I lay on the couch sipping a glass of cold white wine and wriggling my sore toes. I knew I should give up wearing high heels every day to work, but I felt better when I had them on. I felt empowered and they elongated my legs. Still, my toes were throbbing so I’d have to wear trainers tomorrow.

Italy had been amazing but also exhausting. Julie and I had barely slept and poor Louise had come home completely shattered. She’d been keeping a low profile, getting Clara used to the idea of Marco and Anna, and keeping things as calm as possible. She really was amazing, a single parent who had a huge kick-ass job and a daughter who needed a lot of care. I could barely manage my own life and I had Jack to help with Jess and a job I could do in my sleep.

Jack came in and threw his phone onto the chair opposite me. He sat beside me on the couch and put his arms around me.

‘What happened?’

‘Can I not hug my wife for no reason?’

‘Technically, I’m still your ex-wife. Go on, spill the beans.’

‘I just feel so lucky that I have you in my life. You are kind, reliable, considerate and sane.’

‘Bad call with Pippa?’

He sighed. ‘Is there ever a good one? She’s such a selfish bitch. She’s not coming to Robert’s school play. She’s going on a last-minute trip to Paris. Obviously her married shag has snapped his fingers and she’s letting Robert down – again.’

‘Oh, poor Robert.’ He was so excited about the play. He had the lead role: he was the Gruffalo. He’d been practising his lines for ages. Pippa, who was supposed to get him a costume, had failed to do so, so I’d got one of my contacts in the fashion industry to make him one. He looked utterly adorable in it.

‘I’m just so hurt for the little man. You want your parents to cheer you on. You remember them being there. I still remember my dad not coming to my rugby final because he had some medical conference. It hurt like hell. At least he had an excuse – he was actually working. Pippa is too busy being someone’s mistress to witness her son’s big moment.’

I stroked Jack’s hair. ‘Hey, I know it’s awful, but at least Robert has a great dad. You make up for Pippa.’

‘And a brilliant stepmother.’ He kissed me. ‘I really hope this Marco guy is a good man. I hope Louise has him tied up in an airtight custody agreement because it’s not easy.’

Louise had made Marco sign lots of documents when we were in Pico. Julie thought it was a bit cold to do it the day after he’d discovered he was a dad, but I understood Louise’s reasoning. I’d seen the reality of co-parenting first-hand. She was dead right.

‘I think Marco is going to be a great addition to Clara’s life. I always think you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother and he’s so lovely to her.’

‘Maybe he’ll rekindle his love with Louise, like you and I did.’ Jack chuckled.

‘I somehow doubt it. I didn’t see any spark there. Not even a teeny tiny hint of one, on either side.’

‘And definitely no girlfriend hiding in the wings?’

Julie and I had wondered that too, but when Louise had asked Marco, in her direct way, if there was anyone in his life, he had said he got divorced five years ago and had been so badly burned that he never wanted to be with another woman. They had no children. Louise was delighted. She didn’t want another woman or children complicating things. Marco’s broken heart and lack of offspring was a win for her.

‘Nope.’

‘Do you think Clara will take to him?’

‘I do. He’s really calm and gentle. I think he’ll be very careful with her and, to be fair, Louise has drilled him on what to do and what not to do. You know, though, when we were over there, I looked at Marco’s life, simple, quiet and peaceful, and found myself thinking that maybe we should move to the country.’

‘And do what exactly?’

‘I dunno … grow vegetables and meditate, go for long walks and read more books.’

Jack cracked up. ‘Sophie! You’d hate it. You’re a city girl through and through. Imagine no shops, restaurants, cafés, cinemas, nail bars … You wouldn’t last a week.’

I giggled. He had a point. I did like city living. But when I saw how calm Marco’s life was, it had made me think.

‘Okay, I agree, but think of how much less stress we’d have. No commuting, no wondering where Jess is because there’s only one bar in town and nowhere else to go to get into trouble. Robert could walk to the local school and play football in the village square. No phones ringing all the time, no commitments, no family dramas, just us and nature.’

‘You hate spiders, bugs, flies, mud, dust and most animals. You love your comforts. You like having places to go and people to see. You’d be bored rigid.’

I snuggled into his chest. ‘You’re right, I wouldn’t last a week.’

‘It would be nice to know where Jess was at all times, though. I worry about randy teenage boys. Is it still off with Sebastian?’

‘As far as I know it is. Why? Has she said anything to you?’

‘No.’

‘Good. Even Julie, who tries to see the good in everyone, said he’s awful and the triplets can’t stand him either.’

‘To be fair, the triplets together are a force. Maybe Sebastian finds them hard to deal with, and you can’t tar the kid because you don’t like his parents.’

‘I know, but I just get a bad vibe from him.’ If Jack knew that Sebastian had been in the house alone with Jess, he’d have freaked. I’d never told him because Jess had begged me not to and I didn’t want to add to his worries. He had enough on his plate with his rotten ex.

‘Well, she dodged a bullet by breaking up with him.’

‘Definitely. She seemed upset at first but she’s in better form now, thank God.’

I snuggled into Jack’s chest again and was luxuriating in this rare one-on-one time with him before Jess came back from basketball training and Robert needed to be picked up from football, when my phone rang. It was Gavin.

‘Ignore it.’ Jack held me tighter.

I’d call him back later. I closed my eyes. The phone buzzed. Text message from Gavin: CALL ME ASAP. URGENT!

I sat bolt upright. ‘Oh, no, it must be Dad. Something must have happened.’

My fingers shook as I called his number.

‘Is it Dad?’

‘What?’

‘The emergency! Is it Dad? Is he okay?’

‘I dunno, I presume so. He was fine yesterday.’

‘What’s wrong, then?’

‘It’s Lemon.’

‘What?’ For a second I forgot his baby was called Lemon and thought he was talking about the fruit.

‘She’s gone mental, Sophie. She won’t sleep. She’s screaming all the time. She’s turned into a monster.’

‘It’s probably colic,’ Jack, who was listening in, said. ‘Robert had it. Tell him to walk her around in one of those baby-carrier things when she’s bad.’

‘Jack says she’s probably just got colic. Have you tried carrying her around when she’s grizzly?’

‘Yeah, I have her in the papoose all the time.’

‘Well, she looked like she was smothering in that thing. Get her a proper BabyBj?rn carrier and she’ll probably be much happier.’

‘I have one. Shania’s friend gave it to us as a present. I’ve tried her in that and in the car seat and in the electric swing and in the bouncy chair and in the bath and in the buggy but absolutely nothing works. She won’t stop roaring.’

‘Where’s Shania?’

‘She had to go to New York two days ago and suddenly Lemon’s gone mental. I’m on my own here, Sophie. I think there’s something wrong with her.’

I could hear Lemon wailing in the background. It sounded like colic to me.

‘I tried calling Julie, but she’s out at some stupid rugby thing, so I called you.’

‘Gee, thanks. Nice to know I’m not your first choice.’

‘Can you come over?’ His voice was strained.

‘I’ll be there in ten.’

‘Thanks. And could you pick up a few vital things on your way? I haven’t been able to leave the house. I’ll text you a list.’

‘Bloody hell, Gavin. We all had kids we had to look after on our own. You’re not incapacitated, just put her into the buggy and go to the shops. Who cares if she’s roaring?’

‘Can you save the lecture for later? I’m dying here. The only thing I’ve eaten all day is toast and I’ve barely slept in the last two nights.’

‘Welcome to parenthood. Forget about sleep because when they’re teenagers you don’t sleep either – you’re worried about where they are and what they’re up to.’

‘Yeah, okay, just hurry up.’

My phone pinged with Gavin’s list of vital things: Paracetamol Bread Bacon HP Brown Sauce Crisps – prawn cocktail flavour 3 Fulfil bars – the orange ones, the dark orange ones not the light ones 3 bottles of Vit-Hit – the green one

Jack laughed when he saw the list. ‘He’s like a teenager in a man’s body. Thank God he met a successful woman.’

‘Aren’t you both lucky you met amazing women?’

‘Yes, we are.’ Jack pulled me close and kissed me. ‘How about I drop you off at Gavin’s, pick up the kids and collect you on the way back?’ he offered.

I peeled myself off the couch, pulled on my trainers and headed out to ‘save’ my brother.

Gavin answered the door unshaven and, frankly, unclean.

‘Thank God.’ He pulled me in, along the apartment hallway and into the TV room, which looked like a bomb had exploded in it.

Jack followed. ‘Mate, you need to sort this out.’

There were nappies, baby clothes, towels, muslin squares, bibs and bottles everywhere. In the middle of the room Lemon was swaying back and forth on a complicated-looking swing, red-faced and roaring.

‘I just can’t seem to find the time.’

‘Sophie, you sort out some food for Gavin,’ Jack said, ‘and I’ll try to calm Lemon down.’

Jack went over and took my niece out of the swing. He held her to his shoulder and made cooing sounds as he walked her around the room, making circles on her back with his hand in a gentle rhythm.

Gavin followed me into the kitchen, where I unpacked the groceries. ‘Load the washing-machine with all these clothes and towels,’ I ordered.

‘I want you to help me stop her crying, not do laundry,’ Gavin said.

‘Just do it,’ I barked.

‘Fine. God, you’re so bossy,’ he grumbled, as he scooped up a mound of washing.

I was tidying up the dirty dishes in the kitchen when Jack came in with a still-crying Lemon. He took her into the small laundry area where Gavin was loading the machine. Jack placed Lemon in the buggy and put her in front of it as Gavin popped in some powder and turned it on.

‘This is a trick that worked with Robert,’ Jack said, to a bemused Gavin.

Within ten seconds Lemon stopped crying, mesmerized by the hum of the machine and the spin of the clothes.

‘Oh, my God,’ Gavin whispered. ‘It’s a miracle.’

‘She should fall asleep soon,’ Jack whispered back. ‘I’ve got to go. Good luck, mate, and call me if you need any tips. Robert had colic. It’s not easy.’

I fell in love with my ex-husband a little bit more.

‘You’re a legend.’ Gavin hugged Jack.

Jack pulled out of the hug. ‘Oooh, you need a very long hot shower,’ he said.

‘I know I stink.’

Jack left and I told Gavin to go and have a shower while I put the kettle on and made him some food. He didn’t need to be told twice. He raced out of the room.

Twenty minutes later we sat opposite each other in their small kitchen. Lemon had fallen asleep to the hum of the washing-machine, just as Jack had predicted.

‘I never thought I’d love silence so much.’ Gavin ate his bacon sandwich hungrily.

‘It’s just a phase. She’ll grow out of it.’

‘That’s what the paediatrician said, but it’s hard going. I’m knackered. How the hell did Julie do this with three at the same time?’

I sipped my tea. ‘I have no idea. She’s a saint.’

‘I wanted two kids. Now I think I’ll stick with one.’

‘Give it a few months. She’ll start sleeping and interacting more and you’ll forget this hard part.’

‘I hope so. I want to be the best dad. I thought I’d be brilliant at it. I’m good with Clara and the boys and Jess, but … I dunno, babies are hard.’

‘They can be, but it’s only temporary. You just have to keep telling yourself that.’

Gavin looked around at the now tidy kitchen. ‘I’m supposed to be the house-husband. Shania is working her arse off and being super-successful, so I’m the one who runs the house. I’m fine with it. I know Dad thinks it’s emasculating, but I don’t care. I live in the now, not the olden days. Shania and I have our thing and it works. But I’m failing. When Shania comes home the place is a tip and Lemon is wailing and I want to throw Lemon at her and head out. She’s wrecked from her day’s work and doesn’t want a screaming kid handed to her and a messy kitchen to clean up.’

I smiled. That was exactly how so many women had felt for so long. I remembered Jack coming home from work and expecting the house to be calm and warm and peaceful, his dinner on the table and Jess to be either asleep or at least freshly bathed and ready for bed. When she woke up at night, it was just expected that I’d get up, Jack had work … That was the unspoken deal. Then he had a baptism of fire when he met Pippa and they had Robert. She had done almost nothing, so Jack had had to step up and do almost everything.

‘Look, all you can do is your best. Every new parent struggles in the beginning.’

‘You made it look easy.’

‘In fairness, I had help and …’ I paused. I had never admitted this to my family, only Jack, and I’d told him years afterwards, but it might help Gavin to know. ‘I did struggle. I actually had post-natal depression. I ended up on anti-depressants for a year.’

‘What?’ He was shocked. ‘I had no idea. You always seemed so together.’

I shrugged. ‘I’m good at faking it.’

‘Wow. That must have been tough. Can men get post-natal depression?’

I grinned. ‘I don’t know. But I don’t think you have it. You’re just overwhelmed. This is all completely normal. Newborn babies are a shock to the system and turn your life upside-down. And when you’re on your own all day with no help or partner to hand the baby over to, even for half an hour, it’s really, really hard.’

‘Yeah. I can’t wait for Shania to come back. The days are loooooong . I never knew how much I need my sleep.’

‘Get used to surviving on a few hours.’

‘I wish Mum was here. She’d help me.’

‘Yeah, she’d probably have moved in and helped you full-time.’

‘God, that would have been brilliant.’

‘Are Shania’s parents involved?’

‘They have three other grandkids so they’re spread thin. Besides, I don’t want them to know I’m struggling. Their daughter is the one paying the bills, so I can’t be failing at my job. I really miss Mum at the moment. I keep going to call her and then … you know …’

I reached over and held his hand. ‘I know. It’s hard.’

‘I called Dad yesterday just to come and take Lemon out for a walk, but he was busy playing golf or something with Dolores. I haven’t seen him in over a week.’

‘To be fair to him, Dad never babysat alone. He’s nervous around babies – he’s never changed a nappy. He only ever babysat with Mum. And Julie will tell you they didn’t help her much at all because Mum and Dad found the triplets so challenging.’

‘I know but, like, he said he wanted to be more helpful yet he’s all caught up with Dolores.’

‘He’s struggling, Gavin. He opened up in Italy. He’s finding it really hard to figure out life without Mum. I know Dolores is a royal pain in the arse, but at least she’s good to him and she gets him out of the house. Do you know what? We should all go out together and catch up. I think I’ll organize a coffee and invite Dolores too.’

‘What?’

‘If she’s being nice to Dad, we need to be nice to her.’

Gavin wiped HP sauce from his chin with a square of kitchen roll. ‘You can fill me in properly on the details of the Italian trip you all went on without me.’

‘Get over it. You wouldn’t have been able to come anyway. You have Lemon to look after.’

‘I know that, but it would have been nice to be asked. Like, the whole family went except me.’

Sometimes we forgot that Gavin felt a bit left out. When Mum was alive, she’d always fuss over him and make sure he felt included, but now that she was gone, we needed to be more sensitive.

I stood up. ‘Right, let’s get this place cleaned up, so Shania can come home to a nice, tidy house tomorrow.’

Gavin threw his arms around me. ‘Thanks, sis. Honestly, I was about to crack up. And thanks to Jack for his awesome tip.’

I kissed his cheek. ‘Hey, it’s okay. All new parents feel like this. Call us anytime.’

We cleaned up and later, as I closed the front door behind me, I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d forgotten how difficult the early days could be. As tricky as Jess’s moods were, at least she wasn’t a screaming baby.