14. Louise

The door opened and Zo? strutted in holding a freshly made green smoothie. She sat down and shrugged off her coat.

Silence.

Was she seriously not going to apologize for turning up twenty-five minutes late to our weekly meeting?

‘You’re late, Zo?.’ I glared at her.

‘Oh, right, yeah, sorry. I had a splitting migraine. I didn’t think I’d make it in, but I meditated and I felt just about well enough to come but I’ll probably have to leave early.’

She sipped her smoothie as I resisted the urge to pour it down her silk blouse. She was so self-centred and entitled, it was beyond belief.

Clasping my hands together, I said, ‘I really need all hands on deck this week. As you may remember, Zo?, we’re in the middle of closing the largest MBS deal this company has ever handled.’

Zo?’s eyebrows rose. ‘What’s an MBS again?’

Was she joking? How the hell could she not know what an MBS was? I wasn’t sure I could take much more of Zo?. The joke of it was that this irritating, spoiled girl wasn’t even studying law. She had dropped out of her Social Science course and was ‘thinking about law’. Our managing partner, Walter, had dumped her on me, probably because I was the only female partner in the firm and was supposed to be some kind of ‘role model’ for this completely disinterested snowflake. I usually hired all of my own interns and they were fantastic, hard-working, bright, keen-to-learn young people. Zo? was an anomaly and a big fat pain in my arse.

‘An MBS, Zo?, is a mortgage-backed security, a phrase that should be as familiar to you by this stage as your own name.’

Mike leaned in and whispered, ‘You know, it’s when you get a load of mortgages and sell them on from the bank, who lent the people the money, to another financial institution and they combine all the mortgages and loans into one unit that the public can invest in.’

‘Right, okay, gotcha,’ Zo? drawled.

‘So, as I was saying before Zo? interrupted us, this is a big week for our department and I need everyone to be punctual and to be aware that there will probably be some late nights. Thursday could be an all-nighter.’

Zo? looked up. ‘Late nights? That could be a problem for me, I have plans pretty much every night. And Thursday is a definite no.’

I stared at her. Her cavalier attitude to work drove me to distraction. I had worked so bloody hard to get where I was – no one had pulled any favours to give me a leg-up – and this piece of work had swanned into a fantastic internship opportunity and announced that she’s not even sure if she’s interested in a career in law.

Swallowing my rage, I said, ‘I recommend you cancel your plans ASAP. This is your chance to show commitment to the department and to the firm, Zo?, and I suggest you take it. We are a team, and we all pull together when things get busy, is that understood?’

Zo? stifled a yawn. ‘Did you not know it’s Walter’s sixtieth birthday on Thursday? I thought you guys were close. Anyway, I’ve invited a small group to a surprise dinner for him in Xavier de la Tour’s new restaurant. Bernard is going too. I’ll be leaving at five to get ready. Pre-dinner drinks are at six. In fact, I’ll probably have to leave at four – I’ll need to fit in a blow-dry.’

I gripped the side of my chair and willed myself not to slap her face. The little bitch had invited the other senior partner, Bernard, and not me? I felt humiliated and sidelined.

Using all the willpower I had, I kept my face as impassive as possible. ‘Okay, then. I’ll need you in at six a.m. on Thursday. Walter knows how important this deal is, and I’m sure if you end up having to work overtime, he’ll understand.’

‘I don’t think so. As his only godchild and surrogate daughter, I’m giving a pre-dinner speech, so being late is not an option. As I said, it’s a surprise for Walter, so I’d appreciate it if you kept quiet about it.’

In a strangled voice I managed to say, ‘Fine. Then you can come in at six a.m. on Wednesday too.’

‘I won’t be much use to you if I’ve had no sleep. I’m not really a morning person.’

‘Well, maybe we can change that.’ I gave her my frostiest smile and carried on with the meeting.

Sophie had booked a local Italian restaurant for a ‘last supper’ with Gavin before the baby arrived and he disappeared into parenthood. Gavin had told me he was really struggling with the fact that Mum wouldn’t meet his baby. I’d told Julie and Sophie, and Julie had immediately started crying. Sophie had decided we had to do something and make a fuss of him. So here we all were on the dot of seven p.m. – well, everyone except Julie, who was always late. She’d give Zo? a run for her money. It was only Tuesday but I had loads of work to do when I got home, so I was hoping for a quick dinner. Besides, Shania had generously offered to babysit Clara and I wanted her to get home to bed early.

Dad looked well. He’d put on a nice shirt and seemed less exhausted than last time I’d seen him, which, I realized with a sharp stab of guilt, had been about ten days ago. Work had completely taken over my life these past few weeks.

Gavin was wearing a branded Tantastic by Shania hoodie.

‘Nice of you to dress up,’ I said to him.

‘It’s called marketing, Louise.’

‘It’s called a hoodie, Gavin.’ I grinned at him.

‘It’s a great name for a brand,’ Sophie said.

‘I came up with it,’ Gavin said proudly. ‘And I designed the logo and the fashion merchandise.’

‘Hoodies, beanies and T-shirts don’t exactly make you the Miuccia Prada of fashion.’ Sophie laughed.

‘They’re selling like hot cakes,’ Gavin told her.

Sophie punched him playfully on the arm. ‘They’re great and I’m just slagging you. I gave beanies to all our models and told them to post about them.’

‘Cool, thanks.’

‘I think a shirt when you’re going out for dinner is more appropriate,’ Dad noted. Gavin’s relaxed attitude to life had always been a bugbear to him. He couldn’t understand how his son didn’t have a ‘proper’ nine-to-five job with a pension. He’d always worried about Gavin’s future.

‘Speaking of Prada,’ I jumped in before Gavin got a lecture on employment, ‘I see you’re wearing the bag.’

Sophie patted the Prada bag I’d given her. ‘Yes. It’s the first chance I’ve had to use it – it’s too good for work. I absolutely love it.’ She beamed.

We ordered food, I ordered for Julie, and Dad poured us all wine.

‘None for me, thanks.’ Gavin put his hand over the wine glass.

‘How come?’ Sophie asked.

‘It’s not fair to Shania.’

‘What’s not fair to Shania?’ Julie plonked herself down beside him. ‘Sorry I’m late.’

‘Drinking,’ Gavin replied.

‘Why?’ I asked. Gavin loved his wine and beer.

‘Because she can’t, so I’ve decided not to either.’

‘I ate for two and Harry drank for two when I was pregnant.’ Julie laughed.

‘Jack was the same,’ Sophie said.

‘Well, I’m supporting my girlfriend on our pregnancy.’

‘Oh, God, can you please not do the we’re-pregnant-our-pregnancy thing?’ I said. ‘It makes me want to throw up. Like, seriously, you’re not pregnant. Shania is.’

‘Agreed.’ Sophie backed me up. ‘Her body is being put through the wringer and stretched in every direction and her vagina will never be the same again, while you’re just watching from the sidelines.’

‘You will not have saggy boobs, stretch marks and a scar across your body after the birth,’ Julie added.

‘Mother of God, can we change the subject?’ Dad groaned. ‘Every time I have dinner with you lot the conversation ends up in the nether regions. It’s enough to put a man off his food.’

‘Sorry, Dad,’ Julie said, giggling. ‘Have you decided on any names yet, Gavin?’

‘Yeah, but we’re not telling anyone because we know everyone will start giving us their opinions and we want to make up our own minds.’

‘Just make sure you give the child a sensible name,’ Dad said.

I doubted very much that Gavin and Shania were going to name their child John or Mary. Chances are it would be something a little left-field.

‘I see Shania’s got into even more stores in the US. She’s really killing it with her tan,’ Sophie said. ‘You must be so proud of her.’

Gavin smiled. ‘I so am. She’s a rock star.’

‘I have to say she’s surprised me. She’s a very good business head on her,’ Dad said.

‘And she’ll be a great mum,’ I added. ‘She’s always been fantastic with Clara.’

‘I just wish that Mum would get to meet our baby,’ Gavin said quietly. ‘My baby will never know their granny.’

‘That sucks,’ Sophie said.

Dad fiddled with his napkin, twisting it around his hand. ‘I’m very sorry, son. Your mother would have been so excited to meet your baby. She was so good with the grandchildren. I’m not a patch on her and I know that. I suppose I don’t really know what to say to Jess now she’s a teenager, and I’m trying to get to know the boys through rugby, and sure Clara is a dote but I do worry about saying or doing the wrong thing and upsetting her. I wish I was more useful to you all. I can see the hole Anne has left in all of your lives. I never realized just how much I relied on her, especially since I retired. She organized everything – family get-togethers, holidays, days out, dinners with friends, birthday gifts, birthday cakes, trips to the cinema and the theatre … I got lazy and just let her do it all. I’m a bit lost, to be honest. I don’t know what to be doing with myself. Anne always had jobs for me, or an outing for us or a plan for the day. Now … well, now I wake up and I … well, I …’

‘Oh, Dad.’ Julie reached out and held his hand. ‘It’s awful for you.’

‘No, pet, it’s awful for all of us.’

‘Yes, but hardest on you,’ Sophie said.

‘Well, I think it’s pretty tough on me that my baby will never know Mum.’ Gavin was not to be outdone on the loss front.

‘I’m sorry, Gavin,’ Julie said. ‘Mum would have been all over your baby, her favourite child’s child.’

‘I wasn’t her favourite.’

‘Yes, you were,’ we three sisters all said.

‘Apple of her eye,’ Dad agreed.

‘Only son.’

‘Little prince.’

‘Youngest and finest.’

‘Sod off.’ Gavin smiled sadly. ‘She loved us all.’

‘Not me so much until Clara came along,’ I noted.

‘You were hard to love,’ Gavin said.

‘Thanks a lot.’

‘Well …’ Sophie said, ‘… you were a bit dismissive of everyone except Dad and Julie.’

She had a point. I had been hard on Mum, Sophie and Gavin. Julie had always got a pass because she was so nice and Dad was smart so I had related to him.

‘Clara has brought out your softer side,’ Julie said.

‘Your mother doted on Clara,’ Dad said. ‘She worried about her all the time, the little pet.’

‘So do I,’ I admitted. ‘She really misses Mum.’ My voice broke.

‘Oh, Louise.’ Julie hugged me.

‘I really miss her advice with Jess. She’d raised three teenage girls and she knew what to do and say, and she always had my back with Pippa.’ Sophie welled up.

‘She was our biggest cheerleader and our harshest critic,’ Julie said.

‘She was a woman who spoke her mind,’ Dad agreed.

‘And never sugar-coated things.’ I grinned.

‘Or backed down if she felt she was in the right,’ Julie added.

‘Which was all the time.’ Gavin laughed.

‘She was one in a million. That saying “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” is very true,’ Dad said.

‘Do you want to move into Christelle’s room for a few months, Dad? It’d be less lonely for you?’ Julie suggested.

‘You’d only have to put up with Marion once a month,’ Sophie added.

‘You certainly wouldn’t be lonely in Julie’s house,’ I noted. I reckoned after a week in Julie’s madhouse Dad would be sprinting home.

Dad patted Julie’s hand. ‘Not at all, pet, but thanks. I have to get used to this new normal. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself and a bit useless. I’ll get there. I’ll do my best to be a better granddad and try to fill the gap Anne left a little bit.’

‘You’re doing great, Dad. We love you and we’re here for you.’ Sophie sniffed.

‘You are a good granddad.’ I tried to reassure him.

Beside me, Sophie fished around in her bag for a tissue. She pulled one out and a piece of paper fluttered to the floor. She reached down to pick it up.

She looked at it and frowned. ‘Hotel Dolce Vita in Rome.’ Then she gasped. ‘Oh, my God, Louise!’

Everyone turned to look at her.

‘What?’

Sophie handed me the piece of paper. It was headed paper – Hotel Dolce Vita . On the paper was the name Marco and a phone number.

I stared at the piece of paper and then my heart skipped a beat.

‘What is it?’ Julie asked.

‘Louise, you’ve gone as white as a ghost,’ Dad said.

My heart was pounding. The bag. The Prada bag. I’d bought it in Italy on that work trip. I’d gone into the Prada shop and treated myself to it. I’d had it with me that night … the night I’d been made partner … the night I’d drunk way too much … the night I’d had unprotected sex with a stranger. Turns out the stranger’s name was Marco.

‘Is it him?’ Sophie asked.

Julie grabbed the paper from my hand. ‘Oh, my God, is this the hotel?’

I nodded, unable to speak.

‘What the hell is going on?’ Gavin asked. ‘What hotel, who is “him”?’

Sophie turned to them. ‘This Marco guy is Clara’s dad and there’s a phone number.’

‘Oh, my God, this is huge.’ Gavin’s eyes widened. ‘You can find him now.’

‘Unless he’s changed his number,’ Julie said.

‘I’m sure you can track it back or find an address or, I don’t know, get an investigator to do it for you,’ Sophie said. ‘Quentin once hired a private investigator to find out if his boyfriend was cheating on him. He was very good. I can get his name, if you like?’

Julie leaned over. ‘Hey, Louise, are you okay? This is a lot.’

I was in complete shock. I didn’t know how to feel. On the one hand, it was easier not having had any way of finding Clara’s dad, but Clara was so insistent and so obsessed with finding him, I owed it to her to try. And now I could find him, but did I want to? Would it be wise? Would he be a bonus in Clara’s delicate life, or a hindrance?

‘I … I don’t know. I have to protect Clara but … but I should … I …’ I stuttered.

‘Louise,’ Dad said gently, ‘Clara has asked me several times recently about her dad. Why don’t you find this Marco fellow, meet him and then decide? We’ll all help you. We’re all here for you. I’ll be with you every step of the way.’

‘If he’s a douche bag, we’ll see him off. But if he’s a good bloke, it could be great for Clara,’ Gavin pointed out.

But did I really want to open this huge can of worms? I knew my family would support me, but at the end of the day it was me and Clara. The others all had their own families to look after. Clara and I had always been two peas in a pod. How would this affect my fragile daughter? Then again, Clara was obsessed with finding her dad and she did deserve to know him – if he was nice and accepted her and loved her. Oh, God, it was so complicated. My head throbbed.

‘Take some time to process it all,’ Julie told me. ‘You can’t work it all through here and now.’

Sophie chewed her lip. ‘I’m not trying to be hippie-dippy here, but it kind of feels like a sign.’

‘What do you mean?’ Julie asked.

‘Louise lends Mum her bag years ago and forgets about it. It’s in the attic and in the charity pile. I take it because I love Prada. And here we are at dinner together and I’m using the bag for the first time. I go to get a tissue when we’re all talking about how much we miss Mum, and the piece of paper falls out.’

‘Jeez, you’re right, it is a sign,’ Gavin whispered. ‘It’s totally a sign from Mum.’

‘It’s certainly a big coincidence,’ Julie admitted.

Dad looked at me. ‘To be honest, your mum always wanted you to find Clara’s father. We talked about it a lot, especially close to her death. She felt that Clara could really benefit from having a father and knowing where that side of her came from. Obviously, that always depended on whether he was a good man or not. Your mum also felt that finding him could take some of the pressure off you. It’s not easy being mother and father to a child. You’ve done a wonderful job, but your mother knew that, when she died, her loss would leave a big void in Clara’s life. Maybe it’s time to see if Clara’s father can fill it. If not, at least you’ll know you tried.’

I looked at them. Everyone was in tears. My logical brain said it was a mere coincidence, but my heart said Mum had sent me a message.

I raised my glass. ‘Well, it looks like Mum might get her wish.’

We clinked. I drank deeply and tried to stop my heart jumping out of my chest with nerves, anxiety and fear.