Chapter 32 Nolan

Chapter 32

Nolan

Dark circles had appeared under my eyes by the end of the week. I had barely slept a handful of hours after the first playoff game and my conversation with Lottie. She had done her best throughout the week to minimize the number of times we needed to be around each other, and I did my best to respect that decision.

My conversation with Hawthorn kept replaying over and over in my head. Before Lottie, a relationship was not at the top of my priority list. But after I got to know her, I'd realized what I had been missing in my life. All the accolades and championship rings wouldn't compare to Charlotte Thompson. But I'd let my selfish desires fueled by fear cloud my judgement and rule my decision making.

Lottie was right, I had to make the decision that was best for me, and she would follow accordingly with what was best for her. No matter how badly that hurt. If I didn't walk away from this decision completely satisfied with it, I would always wonder about what could have been.

With tomorrow's game quickly approaching, I wanted to talk with her one more time with the hope that we'd be able to smooth things over for the remaining games of the season.

My intention was to tell her that I still wanted to be friends and that I thought we worked better as such if only to make this easier on us both. But as soon as I walked into the training room and caught sight of her as she got ready for practice, I realized being just friends with Charlotte Thompson for good would be nearly impossible.

Just seeing her made my palms begin to sweat and I ached to reach for her. My breath caught in my throat as I closed the last bit of distance between us. All my carefully crafted thoughts went right out the window the second she turned around and we made eye contact.

Her eyes were as red as the circles under my eyes were dark. I hated myself for making her this sad. While our time apart had been near agony, it helped me realize where I wanted my life to go next. I wanted a partner and a family that I could put my focus into. The idea of postponing starting that next chapter of my life had my stomach sinking while the potential of that new chapter starting in a few short weeks felt exciting.

We continued to stare at each other for a few more seconds—both of us realizing that we were about to speak for the first time in nearly five days. It was the longest we'd gone without talking since we met.

"Hi," I told her.

"How are you feeling?" Lottie asked, jumping right into physical therapist mode.

I missed the Lottie I used to have that would smile when she first saw me and joke about anything under the sun. Even when we weren't sure what was happening between us.

"Concerning my body, I feel ready to win a conference championship tomorrow. Regarding everything else, I think we really need to talk," I told her.

Lottie took a deep breath in and held it for a few seconds before she slowly blew it out between her lips. Finally, her eyes met mine and she gave me a small nod. "Okay," she agreed.

"I'm sorry that I've created this divide between us, and it's been the longest week without you in it." I watched her face soften as she listened to me and gave me the space to get my feelings off my chest. "I play my best and am my best when I have you in my life. All I'm hoping for is that we can work together like old times to finish out this season. I owe so much of my success to you, and I want you to enjoy it as well."

Lottie folded and unfolded an extra towel in her hands before she finally spoke. "I appreciate that very much and I've missed having our normal weekly conversations, too."

When she gave me the smallest hint of a smile, my stomach started doing somersaults. If I had it my way, Lottie and I would still be together, but I had to respect her wishes. I had to give her the space to work through her own problems, just like I had to work through mine. Even if I was slowly realizing that what I truly wanted next year was to remain in this facility giving knowledge to the next generation of players as a coach while starting my own family I could be proud of just like Adam and Hawthorn.

A comfortable silence filled the room after we finished clearing the air between us to the best of our ability for right now. The realization of where I'd come to for my decision on next year bounced around in my head while Lottie helped me to get my body ready for the game. So much so, that by the time that she wrapped up her treatment, all I could think about was how I truly was ready to be done at the end of this season. No matter if we won or lost.

I walked back out of the training room, headed for the locker room, when my eye caught my very first Super Bowl trophy—proudly displayed in the hallway most traveled in the practice facility.

Next to the trophy was a framed picture of the team from that Super Bowl win. Hawthorn and I were clutched in an embrace, happiness all over our faces as confetti fell around us and the rest of the team. Derek hadn't yet been drafted that year. We had been considered the underdogs and had managed to take down a giant of a dynasty with a last-minute drive down the field where we got Hawthorn close enough to put one through the goal posts. I remember the immense amount of energy that burst from my chest the moment I saw that football sail through the middle of those two yellow poles. Everything I'd worked for since I was a kid was suddenly realized. I had been sure in that moment that nothing would ever top it.

"I remember being at home with my family during that game," Caleb said. He was standing a few feet behind me, dressed in his practice gear. His eyes were locked on the picture in front of us. "I had on your jersey. You were my idol."

Caleb's eyes met mine and that look, mixed with everything that just happened between me and Lottie, nearly made me shed a few tears. My throat tightened and I had to fight to speak around it.

"I was that kid once, watching the Super Bowl game with my favorite quarterback's jersey on. It's surreal when the script flips and that time is coming for you."

The rookie glanced back at the Super Bowl trophy for one more look before he gave me a nod. "I can't wait for that feeling in a few weeks. It'll be one of my favorite moments—sharing a Super Bowl win with you. Eventually I hope I can quarterback my team to one of those myself."

Caleb gave me a smile, completely unaware that I was falling apart. "I'll see you at practice."

The choice between coming back next year as a player or a coach was supposed to be easy. The conflict I felt had started as soon as I welcomed the idea of playing one more season. Making that decision shouldn't come with this much turmoil or guilt.

Caleb left me standing there in the hallway, feeling like the biggest asshole in the league. I didn't continue to the locker room after him, instead I turned on my heel and walked toward the coaches' offices.

When I walked in, I nearly ran right into Coach Randolph.

"Woah!"

"Sorry, Coach," I told him, reaching out to steady him.

He laughed. "That's alright, Nolan. What can I help you with? I'm assuming you're not in this part of the building for just a walk."

I took one deep breath before I let myself get straight to the point. "I'm not coming back next year. There's no guarantee I'll be healthy all season next year either. I've had a great season this year and I want this one to be my last."

Coach Randolph's face sunk with disappointment.

"And I want to be the quarterbacks' coach next year. I know I can help Caleb get to championship caliber. That kid has worked his ass off this year and to let me take next season from him when he could win a conference championship for this team on his own would be a travesty. I need to retire. I'm ready to be done. It's time to face it."

He stuck his hand out toward me, and I stared down at it for a few seconds before I grasped it.

"It's been a pleasure, Nolan. There won't be another player like you. But I think I'm more excited to coach with you. I'll let Gary know and we will work up a contract."

A tentative smile slowly spread across my face before it broke out into a full-blown grin. "Thank you," I told him.

"I'll see you at practice. We have a conference championship to win." He gave me one more pat on the back before he moved past me toward the practice field.

Coach Hill had a nice ring to it.