Chapter 22

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

DEATH

All around me, horror slowly reveals itself. The wounded cry out, smoke billowing from the festering remains of Old Gods, soldiers weeping openly for their fallen comrades as snow falls on the dead. My friends and allies are trying to figure what to do next, looking to me for guidance, but my attention has already been stolen.

All I can do is think about Hanna.

Lovia took her into the castle to get her changed, no doubt into one of Louhi’s dresses. I’m not sure how that makes me feel—my wife wearing my ex-wife’s clothing—but it’s better than Hanna being naked all the time while hundreds of troops leer at her.

Not that I can blame them. To see her appear so suddenly, her body on display, brought too many primal urges to the forefront. I acutely remember the feel of her beneath my bare hands, the carnal way she submitted to me, the raw pleasure in her eyes as she came time and time again. Sometimes, she looked at me like I was her lover, sometimes her God, often times both, and it was in those intimate moments that I came to know how much she meant to me.

And seeing her before me in a way I only knew, I realized I never had the chance to tell her any of that, not before it was too late.

Because now, she’s a stranger to me, and I’m a stranger to her.

And my brittle heart is slowly breaking, one hardened piece at a time.

“Lord Death,” one of the soldiers says.

I look over at him. He’s holding his hat between his hands, his face marred by blood and dirt, his eyes heavy. “General Pekka is dead. Who should take over his command?”

I saw the general’s gruesome death from my vantage point. I’ve been trying not to think about it. He was young and he trusted me. Everyone here did.

“What’s your name?” I ask.

“Captain Suvari.”

I pat him on the shoulder. “You’re General Suvari now.” I gesture toward the gathering of Gods. “Time to convene with the others about our next steps. I’ll make sure Lovia joins you shortly.”

But as I step into the castle, I don’t seek out Hanna or Lovia right away. I need a moment to think.

I head to the room I’ve been using as my chambers and bar the door behind me. Then, I sit on the corner of the bed, ripping my mask off in a sudden rage and tossing it so hard, it shatters against the wall. That was stupid. I had Tellervo make it for me and it was the only one I had here.

But wearing that mask never did me any good, not in this new realm.

I exhale heavily and put my head in my hands as I try to think.

This was only the first battle, and yet we have lost so much.

The only reason we won is because Hanna saved us in the end.

What happens next time?

Hanna could destroy the Old Gods, but could she destroy Rangaista? Could she destroy Louhi and all her black magic? Salainen? Even with that win, can we count on her?

Do I want to count on her?

The more she uses her powers, the further away from her humanity she becomes, but right now, all I want is to bring her back to the way she was, the way we knew each other. It’s terribly selfish, I know.

But I am a selfish God.

I let out a ragged sigh, my heart water-logged. Sitting alone in my room isn’t going to help anything. I can’t hide from my wife. It’s my job to make her remember she’s my queen.

I get up and leave the room, about to head up the stairs, when I run into Lovia.

“Where is Hanna?” I ask.

“In Louhi’s room,” she says. “I drew a bath for myself but decided she should have it. I have soldiers to take care of.”

I nod, giving her shoulder a squeeze. “You don’t mind, then, if I take a moment to talk to her?”

“Take all the time you need, father. I’ll handle everyone else,” she says before she hesitates. “She remembers some things, but it’s like she’s remembering a book she read. It doesn’t mean anything to her.” She gives me a quick smile. “I know this is out of your skillset, but you should try and win her over.”

Then, she runs off down the hall.

I grumble to myself. I know how to win people over. I know I won Hanna over at one point.

Sex , I think. It was the sex.

Well, perhaps that’s not off the table.

I climb the winding stairs to Louhi’s room. Aside from pilfering it for clothes and other necessary items, no one has been using it. It feels too close to evil, like we’re cursed for even stepping inside.

I knock on the door, and Hanna’s firm response tells me to enter.

I open it and poke my head inside. She’s standing by a broken window, snow flying in and coating her black dress like stars, her hair, darker now but not quite her natural color, blowing back from the wind.

I stop and stare at her, feeling dumbfounded by her grace, her power, her overwhelming beauty. There’s a faint aura around her, a glow that shifts from pink to gold to copper like a sunset, and it only adds to her divinity.

“May I come in?” I ask. My voice comes out gruff, annoyed I have to ask, and I make a note to soften it.

But Hanna only nods, not affected at all.

I step inside the room, closing the door behind me. With my back to her, I close my eyes for a moment, breathing deeply through my nose. I need to compose myself; I feel too unmoored, like I don’t know how to act around her.

When I turn back around, she’s staring at me curiously.

“Lovia drew me a bath, but I don’t feel like being still,” she says. “Would you like to take it?”

“Perhaps some other time,” I say, though I definitely need one after that battle.

“Very well,” she says as she motions to her gown. “Do you like the dress?”

It’s such a normal question, I can’t help but laugh.

“The dress?” I repeat, looking her up and down. It doesn’t even look like Louhi’s when it’s on her. “You look good in everything, fairy girl.”

She frowns and slowly walks toward me, her hands clasped at her middle. “Fairy girl?”

“One of my nicknames for you, only you turned out to be more than a fairy, didn’t you? A true Goddess of the Sun. I should have seen it coming.”

“Oh? How so?”

I walk across the room toward her, stopping a foot away, unsure if I should touch her or not.

“Because you’ve always been such a clever, stunning creature. Doesn’t hurt that you look like a fairy with those big eyes and your ears that stick out a little.”

At that, she touches her ears with her fingers, not insulted, but curious.

“But I think my other nickname is more fitting,” I tell her, reaching out and putting my hands over hers. I pull them away from her ears, which, in my opinion, are perfect.

“And what is that?”

“Little bird,” I tell her, gazing down at her.

“Little bird,” she repeats, rubbing her lips together as she looks away in thought. “Yes. I remember now. You did call me that. It is rather fitting. My mother is considered the protector of birds.”

“And she protected you when you needed it most,” I tell her. “She brought you to the sun when you were ready to be transformed.”

She frowns. “But you’re not happy about this transformation. None of you are.”

“Let me explain.” I gesture to the bed and sit on the edge of it, the mattress sinking under my weight. “Sit,” I command. “Please,” I add hastily.

She sits beside me, close enough that I put my hand on her thigh.

“Is this alright?” I ask, noting my hand.

She gives me a sidelong look, her mouth twisted into a very Hanna-like smirk. “I get the impression you’re not used to asking.”

I chuckle. “It’s rare someone says no to me. I always get what I want, or at least I used to…until my whole world fell apart.”

“I’m sure you asked for my return,” she goes on. “And yet, you don’t seem pleased.”

My heart sinks in my chest, and I squeeze her thigh. “I am pleased, Hanna. I’m relieved, more than relieved, that you’re alright, that you’re alive and strong, and I’m grateful you showed up and saved us.” I swallow uneasily, my heart pounding in my head. “I just… I missed you,” I say, my voice tentative, as if I’m afraid to say the words. “I still miss you, and you’re right in front of me. To see the woman I…the woman I care so deeply about, my heart and soul…for you to look at me and not really see me for who I am…”

My eyes drop to my hand and stay focused there. Even though she’s not exactly Hanna and won’t judge me or take my words to heart, I still have a hard time admitting this to her.

“I see you for who you are,” she says in a low voice. “I remember, Tuoni. Not all at once, but the memories are there. They just belong to someone else.”

“And that someone else is who I want by my side,” I admit quietly.

“I’m not good enough?”

I glance up, meeting her eyes. There’s a spark of hurt there, and as much as I don’t want to hurt her, that spark has to be a good thing. It means she feels.

“You are more than good enough. You are still Hanna,” I tell her, my other hand cupping the side of her face and angling it toward me. “And I have faith I will get through to you eventually. As I said before, I always get what I want.”

She swallows hard and leans into my hand. “My mother said that each time I use my gifts, I lose a bit of myself.” She takes a beat, eyes flicking over my face in thought. “She also said the more I feel, the more connected I feel to this realm, the more I could lose my powers. It seems like an unfair situation to you.”

“And not to you?” I ask, my hand falling away.

“I don’t want to feel,” she says with a firm set to her chin. “It is too complicated and messy. I want to do my job. I want to help save the realm, fulfill the prophecy. It’s why my mother had me. She knew I had more of a chance than anyone else. She said my mortal side would prevent me from becoming too powerful. It’s the only thing holding me together when I use the sun.”

“You’re saying the power would corrupt you?”

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. That’s what the mortals always say.

“Corrupt is too human of a word. I don’t think I would be overtaken by evil, for evil is just a concept to me. Rather, this world and other worlds and the people in them wouldn’t matter to me at all. I could destroy the universe if it pleased me.”

I don’t like the sound of that. I clear my throat. “Well, then you can clearly see why your humanity is important, Hanna.”

“But so is winning,” she says. “I am uncertain if we can have both.”

“Then I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to try and see if we can have both. You, in love with me. I never realized how much I needed your heart until it was gone…” I trail off, shifting uncomfortably. One would think it would be easier to admit such things to someone who doesn’t feel or judge, but it isn’t. I just want my little bird to hear it, to take it in, to have it mean something to her.

I want to affect her.

“Can I ask you a question, Tuoni?”

“Anything.”

“Were we happy together? In our union? In our marriage?”

The question catches me off-guard. I wasn’t expecting that.

“Happy? Yes, I think we were quite happy…”

Funny; it’s something I never really thought about. I guess I was always just taking it one day at a time. I guess there was always something getting in our way.

“Good,” she says. “You seem like someone I want to make happy.”

At that, my heart lurches against my ribs. “You did make me happy. You do.”

“Was it always that way?”

“Well, no,” I say with a huff, scratching at my beard. “Not at first. I’d say our coupling wasn’t under the best circumstances. For you, anyway. But you got under my skin, Hanna. You got in and you stayed there, through everything thrown our way. Even at the end there, when we were trapped in the Upper World with all the silly mortals, I felt closer to you than ever before. All I needed was to step out of my realm and feel what it was like to be human, and it made me admire and respect you even more. You showed me who you really were, and I…I…”

I loved you.

No, I love you.

Present tense. Here and now.

Words I’d never said to Hanna, words I’d never even said to myself.

I was never supposed to fall in love.

But I know I love her, even with my heart that seems too hardened at times. I can’t pretend anymore, can’t pretend it’s something else when I know the truth. It took to feeling completely lost without her by my side to know she captured my heart long ago. It just took time for the rest of me to realize it was missing.

And now, more than ever, I wish I had said those words to her. She had told me she loved me, and I felt it, deep and raw and real, and now, I want her to hear those words from me.

But the woman across from me wouldn’t care for those words. They wouldn’t mean anything.

I swallow the thickness in my throat. “If there is a way for me to bring the Hanna I desire to the surface, would you let me do it?”

She ponders that for a moment. “Only if you recognize the risks. That, in exchange, I might not be able to use my full powers, perhaps no powers at all. Then how would you battle Louhi and win? How will you get your son back?”

“We will figure something out. You saved us once, and that might be enough for us to save ourselves next time. Besides, maybe your father can grant you some of his magic, enough to keep some of your powers accessible. It might not be such a black-and-white situation.”

“I see,” she says. “What do you propose, then? How could you bring me back?”

I give her a sly grin. “In the most debased, primal way humans do to connect. One of the most human acts we have.”

She gives me a blank look. “You are talking about sexual coupling.”

“However you want to say it,” I tell her. I raise an expectant brow, having no idea if this course of action appeals to her. “Does that…entice you?”

Shit, I sound like a fucking imbecile.

She smiles faintly, and I swear I see something glittering in her eyes, though that’s probably just her powers. “Perhaps. I might need some time to consider.”

“Take all the time you need,” I tell her, getting to my feet.

“Something tells me you’re not a very patient God either,” she says, staring up at me.

“I’m not,” I say gruffly. “But I’ve learned to be one for you.”