Chapter 13

13

A s Burbank slipped out of sight, I realized that I was in a very dark hole that had what seemed like no bottom, and the only thing keeping me from plunging to my death was my brother's frantically beating wings. "Please don't drop me," I begged as I wrapped my arms around him. I'd somehow ended up in a bridal carry after he'd yanked me from the mortal world, and it wasn't as secure a hold as one would think.

"I'm not going to drop you," Gabe promised. "And even if I did, Stan's probably waiting below with Tempest. One of them would catch you."

"Somehow, that's not encouraging," I grumbled as we descended. I could feel it more than see it, given that there weren't many visual frames of reference in the vast, dark pit. "And why are they only probably there? Didn't they come with you?"

"Ah, no. See, the card you dropped was made specifically to create a summoning portal that would pop me out right under the pavement on the mortal world's side. The portal opened in front of our couch and I dove in before anyone else in the room could even blink."

"Well, thanks for coming so quickly," I said. "Because otherwise, they would have caught me."

"It was successful, then?"

I grinned. "It was a total success. Now Abby and I just have to get our phones to Rose. Probably tomorrow, I'm guessing. Or, well, morning, since it's the middle of the night. As a bonus, we found a USB drive that probably also has evidence since it was stored with the photos we found. I handed that off to Abby before we split up."

"You'll find the time of day doesn't matter down here. We're always busy, but yeah. After you get some sleep, the old man will take you up to meet with Rose and see the house he secured. I'm guessing in the afternoon since you and Abby both need some decent sleep now that the worst is over. He's probably picking Abby up right now because while he was told he couldn't intervene, he wasn't told he couldn't wait half a block from the school. For whatever fucked up reason the powers-that-be came up with, he had to wait until she was actually in the school before he stepped in."

I gave him an incredulous look, and he nodded. "Yeah, I agree," he said with a sigh. "I don't know why they do the shit they do. One day, they tell us we can hand you something to help you, and the next, they tell us we can only do it if we send it through Hell's post office branch."

I gave him an odd look. "Why would the postal service be in Hell?"

He snorted. "Sometimes I forget how sheltered you grew up. Trust me, it's appropriate."

"If you say so..." I cocked my head to one side and studied what I could see of his face. It was way too dark in there. "You said, 'anyone else in the room'. Did I interrupt something?"

"We've got company, but don't feel bad. They knew I was worried about how things were going to play out and decided it was poker night at Stan's place so they could distract me. I'm pretty sure Tempest has been sleeping with one eye open in case the portal opened if I'd dozed off. Are you going to be okay with a bunch of people around? They won't stick around long now that you're here, but our grandmother is one of the guests. If we're lucky, she won't have had time to set anything on fire by the time we arrive."

I snorted, having learned what our grandmother was like since meeting Gabe. "You might be hoping for a bit much there."

"You may be right," Gabe agreed with a sigh.

What felt like hours (but was probably only minutes) of small talk later, the pit opened up into a massive cavern, and directly underneath us was an entire forest on an island in the middle of an enormous body of water. Two figures were on the ground; one two-legged, very pale, and waving his arms excitedly. The other was four-legged and looked like a science project gone wrong, so that had to be the hellhound I'd heard about.

The moment we touched down, my extremely enthusiastic brother-in-law nearly knocked me off my feet. He squeezed me in a hug so tight I couldn't breathe.

"Babe? Please don't kill my brother. I promised he could live out his natural life."

"He will," Stan promised, not letting go. "All thirty seconds of it."

I tried to pull away in a panic, and he immediately went apologetic. "Sorry! I was kidding. I didn't mean to freak you out."

"Well, don't joke about killing him with your love after he just narrowly escaped death and he won't freak out," Gabe huffed. When Stan finally let go of me, my brother waved a hand toward the massive lizard-wolf thing standing next to him. It looked like someone had just slapped wolf parts onto a half-assed dragon. "This is Tempest, who will be nice because you are my little brother who I love very much ." The last part of that statement was clearly directed at the...canine?...because he let out what sounded like a huff of laughter. "That's not nice. Stef tries so hard to be friends with you."

"You really do understand him, huh?"

"Unfortunately," Gabe grunted and was promptly headbutted in the thigh. "Ow, dammit. He said of course he'd be nice to you because you smell nice, basically."

"He also said that's a relief, considering Gabe's best friend smells like desperation and cheap cologne," Stan interjected

"You're my best friend," Gabe corrected. "Stef's my other best friend."

"How does that even make sense?" Stan asked with a laugh. "And you aren't even going to deny his description of Stef's smell?"

Tempest let out a huff, and the two immediately stopped bickering. "He's right, we should get you to the house," Gabe told me. "Remember, I'll kick people out immediately if the crowd is too much."

I was starting to wonder how many people they had over and would have winced if I hadn't known that my brother meant it when he said he'd kick them out.

I followed them as they climbed into a rowboat docked on the forest island's shore. "The lake's good for swimming," Gabe mentioned as we started across. "Only comes up to about my mouth in the deepest parts, and no questionable inhabitants."

"Right," I said, looking across the water nervously. The fact that he'd had to assure me about what lived in it made me worry about what was considered ordinary down here.

"The sun streams down in the morning," he added. "From that hole to the Denny's parking lot. The forest gets all lit up. It sounds weird to say it down here, but it's like a little piece of Heaven." He frowned and looked at Stan. "You don't suppose that's how that island got there, do you?"

Stan shrugged. "I don't question the gods. I just work with them."

"Them and the corporate drones. The gods at least don't act like the world's going to end if I make them turn reports into me in a timely manner." He tilted his head as he turned his attention back to me. "You ever have occasion to wander into Koreatown?"

I gave him a look, confused by a question that seemed utterly off-topic. "You think either of my parents would be okay with me wandering into a place that isn't an ocean of pasty white uber-Christians? They barely let me go to school. I could only get to your former apartment building because I'd been told to go do missionary work as a punishment. Even then, they'd told me to stick with the rich white neighborhoods. I just didn't listen."

"Seeing the shithole I used to live in must have been a bit of culture shock," my brother told me with a grin. "Did I tell you about the guy down the street who works in a slaughterhouse? The entire neighborhood is—or was when I was still there, but they probably still are—convinced he murdered his own wife and butchered her with his own hands."

I thought about that for a moment. "So, did he? If she was dead, you'd know down here, wouldn't you?"

"Let's just say we're expecting him in a few years," Stan admitted.

I shuddered. "So why the question about Koreatown, anyway?" I asked, very firmly changing the subject away from a murder that definitely happened. "What does that have to do with Hell?"

"Because headquarters is a replica of the Equitable Life Building. A skyscraper in that part of Los Angeles. I thought I'd lost my mind when I saw it and realized what it was. I don't suppose your DNA donors ever took you to any of the local amusement parks, either, did they?"

I gave him another look, and he nodded. "Well, at least I know I'll be your favorite brother."

"As far as I'm concerned, you're my only brother," I said firmly. "Maybe I'm horrible for saying this, but I hate the others, and except for Abby, our sisters aren't much better. When my mother finally snapped and punched me in the face? When my father was kicking me afterward until I blacked out on the kitchen floor? They just sat at the table, eating dinner as if nothing was happening. Abby at least felt bad about staying still to keep from being their next target, but the other two? They just smirked."

"Fucking bastards," Gabe muttered, Tempest growling in what sounded like agreement. "I look forward to their arrival and watching them realize just how shitty they were. The guilt will eat away at them for eternity." He grinned at me, and it was the kind of grin that would probably have anyone else running for their lives. "I'm on the list of who gets called for your siblings' arrival. Same with your parents. I can't wait to greet our mother again. I'd say I'd let Tempest take a chunk out of her for good measure, but she'd probably just turn out to be poisonous in a physical sense, too."

I wanted to see that. It was probably petty of me, but... "If I'm alive, could I still be brought down here when they arrive?"

Gabe's malicious grin grew. "Abso-fucking-lutely."

He really was the best older brother I could have asked for.

When we reached the other side of the underground lake, we disembarked from the boat and left the massive cavern behind to start winding through tunnels that were somehow lit enough to see. Weren't caves supposed to have an absolute dark thing going? There had to have been a light source of some sort, but I couldn't find anything. Either way, I was looking forward to not being in a cave. I was thrilled to have been rescued and all, but I'd prefer something a little more open. Eventually, I got my wish, and we reached what appeared to be an opening to the outside world. Except it was blocked by a gate and a rather intimidating orange-red demon who looked like she'd rip the head off of anyone who got near.

"Your face will get stuck like that," Stan said as she stepped back and let Stan swing the gate open.

"What, you mean it'll get stuck looking gorgeous? Sorry, I've always been this way."

"Thanks for watching the gate," Stan continued, ignoring her statement. "I was kind of in a hurry."

"Well, yeah, who wouldn't be?" She looked down at me, grinned, and suddenly went from scary to absolutely stunning. Huh. "You must be Zeke. I can tell, you look like someone tossed Gabe onto a copy machine."

"He's his own person and probably a little tired of being compared to me," Gabe said. That warmed my heart, but then he had to go and open his mouth again. "Also, I'm cuter."

I elbowed him, and he winced before rubbing at his side. Tempest barked a laugh. "Anyway, yes, this is Zeke. Zeke, this is Stan's sister, who I've mentioned before."

"Right, the one who was accidentally renamed Lucifer," I remembered. She went by Lucy. "So what's really up with Isaiah 14:12?"

Lucy's grin widened. "Well, I met Isaiah, you see. One of the few times I've been up to the surface because I really don't give a rat's ass what goes on up there. But I had an assignment, so I had no choice. He didn't call me the son of the morning, first of all. The "how art thou fallen from heaven" was basically an ancient version of "are you an angel because it must have hurt when you fell from heaven" and the whole "day-star of the morning" was a remark on my beauty. The "weakening the nations" talk was a note on my beauty bringing people everywhere to their knees."

"So he had a thing for you," I summarized.

"He had a thing for me," she agreed, then smiled in a way that had me blushing. "It was a very good weekend."

"That's our Lucy, conquering entire nations one bedroom at a time," my brother said with a laugh, holding out a fist for Lucy to bump with hers. "Lust is her favorite deadly sin," he told me, grinning. "You'll get used to it. I figure she's making up for my lack of interest."

"It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it," Lucy said with a dramatic sigh. "Come on, everyone's waiting for us. Stef had to practically sit on Gin to stop her from coming with me."

"Has she set anything on fire yet?"

"Probably Stef, for not letting her up. But the house is likely still standing. Maybe."

Gabe and Stan both winced, and after Stan had padlocked the gate we emerged from, we were on our way again, and I was finally able to get my first real look at Hell. Surprisingly, we were walking down a path that looked like it was in an English garden. The surroundings were lit like the night of a full moon, but there was no actual moonlight. In fact, when I looked up, I saw that the sky was an endless black void.

"Don't stare at it too long," Gabe advised me quietly. "It won't hurt you or anything, but it gets more unnerving the longer you look. I don't notice it anymore, but I also don't really stare into the void, either."

I nodded, understanding where he was going with that. Staring into that void was like staring into both infinity and an absolute absence simultaneously, and I had a feeling it would break something in my brain if I dwelled on it for too long. Instead, I looked around the area we were walking through. "I wouldn't have expected a formal garden in Hell."

"It wasn't always here," Stan said wryly. "It was just a well-manicured path. Then, one day, your brother got bored."

Gabe shrugged. "I always wanted a garden like that. I have the space for it here, and I don't have to feel bad about wasting water."

"I like it," I admitted. "It looks like a place someone could just sit and be." In fact, it was giving me ideas for the conservatory since I didn't have to worry about perpetual drought in my dreams.

"It is, right up until our grandmother comes searching for me, screeching my name at the top of her lungs." He cocked his head and looked like he was concentrating on something. Then he let out a heavy sigh. "Speaking of which..."

I frowned in confusion and tried to pinpoint what he was talking about. Then I could hear a thump thump thump in the distance. "What is that?"

"Highway to Hell, from the sound of it," Stan mused. "Appropriate, when you think about it."

The confusion didn't clear from my face. Gabe pulled out his phone, fiddled with it momentarily, and a song started playing. The beat matched what we could faintly hear. "We'll get you a phone that works down here so you can look things up every time we mention something you're not familiar with," he promised. "I realize we could have just had one waiting for you, but I wanted you to be able to choose it for yourself, seeing as how choice hasn't been a big thing in your life."

That choked me up for some reason, and I studied my feet while we walked. "Thanks," I murmured as he squeezed my shoulder.

The garden path we strolled down eventually opened up to what was quite possibly one of the most beautiful patios I'd ever seen in my life. It must have shown on my face because Stan chuckled. "Yeah, your brother looked like that when he saw my backyard too."

"I'm dating him for his backyard," Gabe said, trying to keep a straight face and failing miserably. "Wait until you see it in the full light of day."

Lucy snorted. "You're dating him because he's got the same tastes you do, and no one else wants to deal with your hideous decor. You're both stuck in the past."

Tempest let out a bark that sounded like a laugh, and my brother gave Lucy the finger. "Rude."

"Truth hurts," she shot back as she strode up to the sliding glass door and threw it open. "Honey, we're home!"

Considering how loud the music was, I wasn't sure they heard her. I peeked inside and stood there with my mouth open in shock. The place was a wreck. "Was it like this when you left?" I asked Gabe.

"Somewhat," he admitted before stepping inside. I followed hesitantly, stepping over a beer can and a half-empty pizza box. For his part, Gabe walked directly to the stereo and turned it off. "You all are a bunch of heathens," he announced.

"Hey," a long-haired, swarthy man protested from the couch.

"Okay, not you. Jesus is exempt from being a heathen."

Something in me snapped when I heard that. "What in the name of all that is holy is going on here?" I asked.

A young, petite blond man—an extremely familiar one, I realized as my head started to swim and made me wonder if I was about to pass out—raised his beer as he stepped up next to me. "Dead man's party."

Gabe rolled his eyes. "Thank you, Danny Elfman. Ignore Stefan. He thinks he's funny."

I felt my brow wrinkle in confusion. "Who's Danny Elfman?"

"Oh honey," the blond said sadly, patting my arm consolingly. "Don't worry. We'll teach you the ways of Oingo Boingo."

The more he talked, the more confident I was. I knew this guy. I'd been baking with him in a dream only to realize I was attracted to him, which led to a realization that I wasn't interested in girls that way. I turned to Gabe, my eyes wide. "Is he...?"

Gabe glared at the handsome blond. "That's right ," he growled. "I never did get to discuss that shit with you, did I?"

Stefan's eyes went wide. "Whatever it was, I didn't do it."

"We're going to have words later," Gabe promised before turning away. He rested a hand on my shoulder, and I was grateful for the anchor because I was feeling off-balance. I wished I'd had the chance to talk to Gabe about my dream man being real before I ended up face-to-face with him. "Where the fuck is my degenerate grandmother?" Gabe yelled, making me jump. "I've got a grandkid here that needs a hug."

"Fuck you," a voice that sounded like it belonged to a young woman yelled back before a girl who had to be a few years younger than me stepped into the room from what I assumed was the kitchen by the way she was bringing in another six-pack of beer.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking?" I asked.

The girl let out a cackle I would have associated with an old witch, and Gabe sighed. "Zeke, meet our grandmother. She's currently portraying her age when she lied to our grandfather and told him she was of age. Why he believed her, I'll never know. Beelzebub isn't known for his brains."

"Zeke," my grandmother said kindly, completely ignoring Gabe's comment as she held my hand in both of hers. "I'm so sorry I failed you as a grandparent by failing as a parent."

"That crazy bitch egg donor of ours isn't your fault, Grandma," Gabe interjected with a sigh. "I've been telling you that for as long as I can remember. There's something fundamentally wrong with her."

"He's right," I agreed. "Even if you had been a bad parent, which I doubt, that doesn't make you liable for her abuse. Did you even know about me before you died? Or my siblings?"

My grandmother shook her head. "No, your mother and I didn't speak again after I took Gabe from her."

"Then it's not your fault."

"Yeah," said the guy Gabe had suggested was Jesus. "Stop that. I forgive you."

My grandmother snorted. "Too bad I never believed in you," she retorted.

Jesus pouted. Seriously pouted, bottom lip extended, arms crossed against his chest and everything. It was not a reaction I'd expected from the purported son of God.

"It's okay, Jesus," Stefan said, patting the other man on the head. "I believe in you."

"Okay, let me make introductions before my brother has a nervous breakdown. Because, unlike us, he's still alive and susceptible to mental health issues."

I wondered what being dead had to do with better mental health, but I couldn't bring myself to ask.

"The jailbait here is our grandmother, Virginia Mae Rossi. Being called Granny makes her feel like an old lady, so I suggest you do it. She likes you, so she won't kill you."

"Wouldn't kill you either," our grandmother grumbled.

"Yeah, because I'm already dead," Gabe shot back. "The blond is Stefan, my other best friend. He's a vampire, and probably who you're thinking he is if the panic on your face when you saw him was any indication. Also, he's my next-door neighbor when I'm at my apartment."

"You mean you don't live with Stan?" I asked, surprised. They'd seemed inseparable. "And, wait, did you say vampire?" I lurched back a little out of instinct.

Stefan laughed. "Yeah, don't worry, I save the whole blood sucking thing for our less welcome guests. I mostly subsist on pizza. Extra garlic." He waved a hand toward my brother. "And they may as well live together. If Gabe's at his apartment, Stan's with him."

"I love that apartment," Gabe protested. "I refuse to give it up. However, I was going to offer to let Zeke stay there if he doesn't want to hang around us all the time. You'd keep an ear out for him, right?'

"Course I would," Stefan agreed. "I mean, I am your other best friend."

"It's up to you, obviously," Gabe told me. "We'd love for you to stay with us, but I know you probably also want some independence while you're down here, for however long that may be."

I nodded, realizing an entire world was opening up to me now that I'd left. "Give me a couple days to think on it?"

"No rush," he assured me. "And last but not least, the guy over there who looks like a young, long-haired Omar Sharif is, in fact, Jesus. He's kind of weirded out that people worship him, so your best bet is to treat him like we do."

I wrinkled my brow. I had a feeling I would be making that look a lot. "Who's Omar Sharif?"

"An actor," Jesus told me. "One known best for films he did in the 60s. He was also handsome, so I appreciate the comparison, even if we were born a thousand kilometers apart."

"And a few thousand years," Gabe added with a grin. "But, I mean, objectively? You're hot, so yeah, I'm going to compare you to a hot actor."

"Gabe's not wrong," Stan agreed.

Having my brother and brother-in-law discussing Jesus' level of hotness was not on my bingo card. I knew the afterlife was weird, but this was kind of pushing it. That said, yeah, they were right. "I have to admit, the White Jesus depictions I've seen my entire life do you no justice," I said with a nod.

"He's a good boy," Jesus said to Gabe.

"Right? Maybe he'll be a good influence on me." He grinned and gave me a wink. "We usually have more people than this, but Al and Devon are on duty this week and Gabriel..." My brother winced.

"Gabriel? The archangel?" He'd mentioned Gabriel more than once, but I had yet to meet him. I was kind of glad this was not the day for it because literally meeting Jesus Christ was overwhelming as it was.

Gabe nodded. "He's kind of in trouble, so he's been assigned to a special project. You'll meet him eventually. You'll like him."

"He's a great big himbo," Lucy said with a snort.

"A himbo is, by definition, a man who is attractive but not intelligent," Gabe pointed out. "Only half of that definition works."

"He showed up on a tree branch wearing a bathrobe after forgetting his underwear and flashed his goodies at you when you first arrived."

My brother grimaced. "Thanks, I'd just started to forget about that." He shook his head, then gave me a weak smile. "I promise he doesn't do that sort of thing regularly."

My brain was turning into goo at all the over-stimulation I was getting. I could feel it hitting. It must have been obvious to Gabe, too, because he turned to the room and said "Okay, everyone out. Zeke needs some real food and real sleep, and I need to put the house back in order, thanks to you slobs. Is there even any pizza left for us?"

"I hid one of the pepperoni in the oven," our grandmother said. "I figured no one would look there."

Gabe grinned at her. "I don't care what anyone says; you're not a bad person."

She gave him a look. " You are the one who's always talking shit about me."

"Assholery is my love language. You know that."

Stan sighed, shook his head, then gave me an apologetic smile. "Come on," he said, his voice soft. "Let's get you settled in the guest room until everyone else has cleared out."