Chapter Eight

Finn

Then

“Gosh, baby, you feel so good. You like that?” Drops of sweat dripped from Teddy’s forehead and onto Finn’s back as he fucked into him in controlled, shallow—too fucking shallow!—thrusts.

“Sure. Mmm, yeah. Like that,” Finn mumbled absentmindedly while gazing at the small clock on the nightstand to his right. 3:17. Shouldn’t she have heard from Joffrey by now? The mailman usually came around his parents’ place around noon. He’d been so sure that she would get in.

“You like feeling Teddy Bear inside you, right baby?” He shuddered at the pet name, a title Teddy had started using a few months into their relationship. A word that did very little to Finn’s libido, just like Teddy’s cock was doing a piss-poor job of locating his prostate right now. Come to think of it, he couldn’t really recall a time when the ten-years-older insurance salesman, Teddy Winston Jr., had really done anything much for his libido. Their relationship was like an absurd replica of Finn’s previous relationships that usually started with someone asking him out and he was either too fucking polite or too bored to say no . It’d been that way with McKenzie back in high school until she’d finally ditched him for the juvenile-delinquent-wannabe, Lee Meier, during their senior year because ‘although you’re a really nice guy, Finn, and not bad to look at either, you’re just too fucking passive for me.’

So, unsurprisingly enough—because the best way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior—it’d been the same with Teddy when Finn had visited Winston & Sons Insurance in Eugene three years ago. He’d just gone in for a fucking travel insurance because his parents had invited him and Cara to Cabo and come out with a Friday night date as an unwanted add-on. Fuck.

Why he had such a hard time saying no wasn’t exactly an enigma. He knew he was a fucking people pleaser, always afraid that people would turn away from him if they saw the real him. If he spoke the dreaded no . That he would end up like one of those lonely old men at the discount store buying the cheapest cat food and three bottles of pear schnapps.

“Gosh baby, you’re so tight,” Teddy groaned, his balls slapping against Finn’s ass cheeks. “You like Teddy Bear’s big tool stretching you wide, huh? You do, don’t you? Such a good baby.” Jesus, not that shit again. He hated that fucking phrase almost as much as he hated pickled onions and cleaning his bathroom. You’re so tight. He felt like puking every time Teddy spoke that ridiculous sentence or like clawing out his eyes and feeding them to Teddy’s Siamese, who was looking at him disdainfully right now. I’m trying, okay Lucifer, but this is what I’ve got to work with, okay?

Once he’d even contemplated screaming at the top of his lungs: “Of course, it’s fucking tight, Teddy. It’s a motherfucking asshole, you idiot!” And what was with the tool shit? Just say cock for once in your goddamn life, Teddy. Because it was, in fact, a big, beautiful cock, he had to give Teddy that. Such a damn shame Teddy didn’t know how to use it.

Of course, it wasn’t Teddy’s fault that Finn was such a spineless coward. It wasn’t Teddy’s fault that Finn wasn’t into the whole baby talk thing in general or Teddy’s annoyingly sugary voice in particular. How was Teddy supposed to know that Finn had been contemplating ways to get out of their relationship as soon as one week after their first date? Teddy had taken him out for parmesan chicken in the saddest excuse for an authentic-style Italian restaurant that Oregon could probably muster, and Finn had briefly envisioned Al Capone himself blasting through the entrance, mowing them all down in a frenzy with his machine gun. Putting an end to a date that Finn should never have agreed to in the first place.

The sad truth was, though, that if there was one thing that Finn was even worse at than leaving someone, it was being left behind. He was scared shitless of the thought of someone abandoning him, even though he usually tried his hardest to push people away. Now, there was a fucking conundrum for you, Sherlock Holmes, if there ever was one.

The familiar irregular grunts spilling from Teddy’s mouth were an indicator that the weekly Saturday night fuck session was about to reach its fulfilling—for Teddy, at least—conclusion. Most Saturdays Finn could get away with using being too tired as an excuse for not getting off. It wasn’t even that far from the truth. He’d been working a lot of double shifts lately at the PeaceHealth Sacred Heart Medical Center. He was exhausted, to say the least. No, the worst was if Teddy—in his true Good Samaritan fashion—insisted on ‘making his baby come . ’ Mostly it was a failed mission from the very beginning, Teddy murmuring lame endearments against Finn’s neck while stroking his dick determinedly. On occasion, Teddy would get so frustrated—and Finn’s dick so close to having friction marks—that he would either a) pretend to fall asleep, or b) Teddy would start sobbing against his neck.

‘Teddy Bear just wants to make his baby feel good,’ he would cry, his fist growing tighter around Finn’s semi. ‘What can Teddy Bear do to make you feel good, huh, baby?’ By now, it was a rhetorical question. The one time Finn had been so frustrated that he’d actually answered it truthfully, Teddy had just grinned stupidly. ‘Gosh, baby, you’re too funny. I love your sense of humor.’ Yeah. Teddy couldn’t even swear to save his life. It was always just heck, gosh, or shoot. Of course, he’d assumed that Finn was joking when he’d told him what he wanted, what he really, truly needed, to get off.

‘Just call me your dirty cock whore and spit in my face, Teddy!’ Yeah… No wonder Teddy thought he was joking.

“Gosh, baby, I’m so close. Are you close too, baby? You want Teddy Bear’s special juice? It’s coming! Here we gooo...”

Bzzzzzzzz.

Fucking finally, his phone buzzed on the nightstand, and he tried to reach for it with a panting Teddy on top of him, inside him. It was no good. The phone buzzed again, and it had to be Cara. He scooted a little forward on his knees, doing his best imitation of a Chinese gymnast, and grabbed the phone.

Finniiiiiiiiie!!! The first message said. Then followed by a, I got in, Finn! I fucking did it! Pushing a confused, half-comatose Teddy off him, he scrambled up the bed against the headboard and quickly texted Cara back. I’ll be right over, sis. I’m so fucking proud of you! Go you!

“What’s going on? Everything okay, baby?” Teddy looked at him, a worried frown between his auburn brows. And that was the fucking worst part, wasn’t it? Finn was being a certified asshole, and Teddy was still worried about him.

“I gotta go. Cara got into Joffrey,” he spoke while bending to grab his T-shirt from the floor.

“That’s great, baby,” Teddy beamed. There was something comical about the whole scenario. Teddy smiling at him, genuine happiness mixed with post-orgasmic bliss. His forehead was glistening with sweat, his still-hard dick resting against his flat stomach. “Let me just grab a quick shower and I’ll come with you,” he smiled.

“Yeah, I’ll just go myself. It’s more like a family thing, anyway.” Hurt flashed across Teddy’s face and the worst part was that Finn couldn’t even feel bad about it. He was that much of an asshole. Teddy nodded, nibbling at his bottom lip. He swallowed audibly before looking up at Finn, his eyes teary.

“This isn’t gonna work, is it?”

“What do you mean? If you wanna come, you can come, Teddy. I don’t care.” He heard the edge of annoyance in his own voice, so, of course, Teddy heard it too. Teddy nodded again.

“That’s exactly it, isn’t it? You don’t care.” There was a vulnerability in his boyfriend’s voice that he hadn’t noticed before. Perhaps it had been there all along, but he was just too oblivious to realize it.

“I care,” he countered, his chest instantly tightening with regret, that familiar feeling of panic circling in on him. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. “I’m sorry, Teddy. Of course, I care.” He did, didn’t he? He did care about Teddy.

“Sure. You care about your job and your parents. And Cara. You care about her.” Teddy paused, his short fingers playing with the crumbled sheets. “But you don’t care about me. I wonder if you ever did.” Fuck. This was it, wasn’t it? His way out. Teddy was laying it all out for him on a silver platter. His golden ticket out of a relationship that had been doomed from the very beginning. This was what he wanted, wasn’t it? So why did it suddenly feel like he couldn’t breathe?

“I care about you, Teddy. You know that.” Teddy shook his head, a few tears now trailing down his cheeks and clean-shaven chin, that deep cleft in his chin that Finn just now realized was one of the few things he’d found attractive in Teddy. He was never your type.

“No, you don’t. You don’t. I’m balls deep in my boyfriend and he’s miles away,” he sniffed. “You’re always so far away.”

“What do you mean, Teddy? I’m right here.” Please don’t leave me, Teddy.

“No, you’re not.” A resigned laugh left Teddy’s mouth. “Sometimes I wonder if you ever really were or if you’re just some figment of my imagination.” He brushed furiously at his tears, almost resembling a small child who’d just lost his favorite pet. Scooting across the bed, Finn reached for Teddy’s hand, squeezing it awkwardly.

“I’m sorry, Teddy. I’m… I’m just not good at this relationship thing, I guess. I’ll try to do better, okay? Just…” Please don’t leave.

“Yeah, I don’t think so, Finn. I can’t do this anymore. I’m almost forty-five. I’m too old for this… this limbo. This strange non-relationship,” he mumbled. “You think I don’t notice, right? That condescending edge to your voice when you talk to me. Or that bored look in your eyes when I tell you about my day? Or how you never want to spend time with my friends?” Finn’s chest tightened at Teddy’s words. At his naked honesty. Because it was true. “And the sad thing is,” he continued, his voice a near whisper by now, “that I don’t really mind all that. I don’t. None of that would matter if you’d just look at me the way you look at her once in a while.”

“What way?” Finn swallowed, even though he already knew the answer.

“Like she’s the darn sun.”

“She’s my sister,” Finn murmured.

“I know. But I’m supposed to be your boyfriend, Finn. If I could get just one-tenth of the attention you give Cara, I’d be more than happy. More than happy.”

“Teddy… I just gotta go do this one thing and then I’ll be back, and we can sort this thing out. I just gotta go see Cara.”

“That’s exactly it, isn’t it?” There was a sad edge to Teddy’s voice, his mouth twisted into a grim line on his handsome face. “There’s always something. If it’s not Cara, it’s your patients. And I get it. I do. It’s just… There’s always something, and it’s never me.”

“I’m sorry.” And he really was. At that moment, he was genuinely sorry. “I never meant to hurt you. I guess I’m just not cut out for relationships.”

“Maybe…” Teddy squeezed his hand in return while resting his forehead against Finn’s shoulder. “I really did try, you know?” He mumbled against Finn’s skin. “I really did try to love you, even though you made it so hard. So darn hard. And in the end, I did, even though I always knew that I’d end up getting my heart broken,” he sobbed.

“Teddy, I’m sorry…” He was such an asshole. He was. An imposter. Most days, he was just waiting for people to find out. His parents. His colleagues. His patients. Cara. ‘ Don’t look at me, you little shit. I ain’t your goddamn mommy. Now get outta my face.’

“Just go, baby,” Teddy pressed a wet kiss against his already tear-stained shoulder. “Just go.” Releasing his fingers from Teddy’s, Finn got up from what had been their bed for the past few years and reached for his jeans on the floor. He pulled them on in a hurry and grabbed his phone. As he reached the door to their bedroom, he turned towards Teddy, who was now hugging a pillow against his chest, a lethargic look in his eyes.

“I’ll come by and get my stuff tomorrow if that’s okay?” He didn’t really have that much stuff at Teddy’s anyway. Most of his belongings were stored in his parents’ garage. Teddy was right. Maybe he’d never truly been here. Maybe he’d always been halfway out the door, his relationship with Teddy just a momentary lapse of judgment. A desperate attempt at something that he wasn’t any good at. Teddy nodded, a frail sob leaving his mouth.

“I’ll go to my parents’ place in the afternoon. Come by then. You can leave the key under the mat.”

“Okay,” Finn whispered. “For what it’s worth—”

“Don’t. Just go, Finn. Just go. I’m giving you an easy out here and I think you should take it. I might feel differently tomorrow and beg you to stay. Don’t make me do that, okay?”

“Okay, Teddy. Okay.”