Chapter Six

Finn

Then

The row of six small dancers bowed to the audience, their pale pink tutus floating around their waists like soft cotton candy clouds. Their equally pink leotards and stockings had a faint shimmery glow, and under the spotlights illuminating the small stage in the auditorium of Florence Primary School, they lit up like thousands of fireflies. Finn sat in the front row between his parents, wearing his best Sunday clothes, which were usually reserved for church. He’d insisted they arrive early— very early, Mom —to secure the best seats, center stage. It was Cara’s first school performance, and he was not going to miss a single thing. Not one twirl or one jump. Not one split or one arabesque. Nothing. He was going to take it all in so that he could praise Cara later—much later—when they would pretend to be asleep, hiding under the covers, whispering, her eager face glowing back at him in the dim light from the torch.

Cara had started ballet practice at the age of three at Madam Beatrice Durand’s School of Ballet in Florence. Finn was a frequent guest at practice aside from Wednesdays when he ran track after school or had an appointment in Eugene with his ophthalmologist, Dr. Hassani. His sight problems had started shortly after his eleventh birthday, his vision getting blurry in school when he was focusing on the blackboard or in the evening when he was watching his favorite cartoons with Cara. After a few tests in the doctor’s office, Dr. Hassani had offered the Kennedys the exotic-sounding diagnosis. Myopia . In plain English, near-sightedness. That meant glasses, of course, which didn’t bother Finn too much. A lot of his friends at school wore glasses. No, it wasn’t a matter of vanity, but a matter of his dream—his one dream—of becoming a fighter pilot that was at stake. Even though Cara had now, at the ripe age of six, decided that she was going to be a prima ballerina instead of Finn’s co-pilot, he still held on to the dream of joining the U.S. Air Force. A dream that was becoming increasingly more elusive after every visit to Dr. Hassani’s office, where he would leave with a new pair of lenses.

The group of six-year-olds spread out onto the stage, their eyes searching the large auditorium for their proud parents and siblings. As soon as Cara ran to the edge of the stage, Finn rose from his seat, maneuvering past his dad and heading in her direction. Holding out her still-chubby arms, she beamed at him, her cheeks bright red from exertion.

“Finnie, did you see my twirl?” she panted as she leapt into his awaiting arms, never any doubt in her heart that he would catch her. There’d always been this endless trust between them. The kind of trust that only came from being loved unconditionally. And Finn did exactly that. He loved Cara with every fiber of his being.

The smell of coconut from her hair gel enveloped him and he squeezed his eyes tight as he breathed her in.

“I did,” he murmured against her left ear, and she squirmed in his arms. “I did, Cara. It was the most perfect twirl ever.” With Cara hanging on to him like a baby octopus, he started walking back towards their parents, who were waiting patiently for their turn to congratulate Cara.

“Reeeaaally?” she preened, her voice needy for every last bit of praise. It was funny, but Finn knew with certainty that his opinion mattered more to her than anyone else’s. It’d always been like this even though to Finn, Cara was the sun, and he was just some small insignificant planet spinning around her, pulled in by her glowing presence.

“Of course, Miss Kennedy,” he spoke. “You were the belle of the ball, the highlight of the show. You outshone everyone.” He adjusted her in his hold, her arms tightening around his neck. She was still light as a feather, and with his muscular runner’s physique, it was no hardship carrying her around. Finn was tall for his age. Always had been. At sixteen, he was now 6‘2″, towering well over his best friend Aaron, who wasn’t exactly small either with his 5′9″.

“I did, didn’t I?” she giggled with the unwavering confidence that only a child who had been adored all her life could master. Finn wished that he could have just one-tenth of her faith in herself. That would make the whole high school experience a whole lot easier. He didn’t exactly have a hard time in school—he was fairly popular amongst his peers. He knew a lot of the girls wanted to date him since he was a jock, not too bad-looking, and considered a ‘ nice guy .’ The other boys liked him as well, since he wasn’t viewed as an immediate threat in the male high school hierarchy, but he wasn’t exactly a nerd either. So, yeah, high school wasn’t too bad, all things considered—he just wished that he could allow himself to enjoy it more.

As they reached their parents, their dad took Cara from his arms while their mom started showering her with compliments about the performance. Finn never felt jealous. He always received an equal amount of attention and praise and was never made to feel less. But you are less, the taunting voice would much too often sneak into his thoughts. You’re not a real Kennedy. He wasn’t. He knew he wasn’t, even though everyone pretended he was. He was reminded of this every morning when he stared into the mirror, features that were so different from the rest of his family staring back at him. Or when they looked at pictures in the evening and there would only be baby pictures of Cara, whereas Finn’s pictures started at the age of three. So, despite all the love he received, despite all the reassurance and the attention, most days Finn was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Reaching for his mother’s hand, the intrusive thoughts evaporated when her calm eyes met his, and they started walking out of the auditorium behind a chit-chattering octopus Cara. His father nodded patiently and hm-hmmed eagerly in all the right places, and it must’ve taken the rest of Cara’s energy to recount all the twirls and jumps because, on the way home in the car, she fell asleep mid-sentence. Her head of soft dark curls Finn had released from the tight high bun leaned heavily against his right shoulder as they drove through the darkness. Catching his mom’s gentle gaze in the rearview mirror, he sighed deeply before rubbing at his eyes behind his black-framed glasses. Suppressing a yawn, he looked out of the side window, the small town of Florence blowing past him. Lit up family homes and front lawns cast in shadows from large trees. The occasional dog walker or evening jogger.

They lived in a quiet family neighborhood in the north of Florence, and Finn could easily bike to high school in ten minutes unless it was raining, or he was running late. Then he would catch a ride with Aaron or take the bus. Outside the tourist season, the town was quiet, with very little traffic, making it a safe place for kids to roam the streets on their bikes. Most of his friends at school had their own cars by now, old Toyotas or Fords, but Finn enjoyed his morning bike ride, the salty ocean breeze sweeping across his face, the wind carrying him to his destination. Free . He felt free. Of course, his girlfriend McKenzie had been nagging him to get his own car ever since he’d turned sixteen. There was, after all, a fair amount of prestige in dating a guy who had his own car instead of having to catch a ride with your girlfriends or, God forbid, your mom.

‘ You know your dad would buy you a car like this,’ she would sigh, snapping her fingers in front of him. ‘ I mean, it’s not like you ever ask for anything expensive. Like designer clothes.’ She would give him a once over, taking in his worn jeans, scuffed sneakers, and faded Oregon Air & Space Museum T-shirt. He always just shrugged. He fucking loved that T-shirt. He liked McKenzie, too, but she was often up in his face, and he still had an issue with people raising their voices at him. Then again, as far as girlfriends went, he could’ve done a whole lot worse. Just look at Aaron. Boy, was he whipped, Amanda running her one-woman show, Aaron just a convenient side character.

‘ I don’t need a car, Kenz. And if you wanna avoid riding with your mom to school, you should get one yourself.’

‘ That’s hardly the point, is it?’ she’d countered. ‘ I know , I could get my own car. I just don’t see why you don’t want one. It’s… weird, okay? I mean, bikes are for small kids,’ she’d pouted.

‘ Did you know that outside the US it’s not considered standard to own your own car as a teen? And did you know that in many European cities, biking is the preferred mode of transportation? In Denmark alone, 25% of all trips under three miles are done on bikes. It’s much better for the environment and it keeps you fit. It’s much more cost-efficient and you don’t need to worry about parking, either. Most US cities have massive parking issues.’ He knew what he was doing. Of course he did. Whenever he started bombarding McKenzie with random facts, that little nerve under her right eye started twitching and her eyes glazed over.

‘ Ugh,’ she’d groaned. ‘ You’re giving me a headache and it’s not even nine yet.’ She’d almost perfected her teen eye roll by now, yet Finn didn’t understand why she even bothered, because it had zero effect on him. He was immune to methods like that. A dazzling smile from Cara, on the other hand, and he would agree to just about anything. ‘ You’re lucky you’re so damn cute, Finn Kennedy. And such a nice guy, too.’ Her features had softened as she’d brushed a hand through his windswept blond hair. ‘ Sooo fucking cute ,’ she’d groaned, rising on her feet, kissing him noisily with a mwah . He couldn’t help smiling against her strawberry-flavored lips as he wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her from the ground. Yeah, when McKenzie pulled out all her teen girl charm, she was one of his favorite girls, coming in as a secure third right behind his mom and Cara.

On the weekends when he didn’t have a track competition and McKenzie was with her girlfriends, Cara would go with him on her pink Barbie bike. They would ride out to North Jetty Beach, each with a pair of binoculars swinging around their necks. Whale watching was their favorite pastime. You could spot gray whales all year round off the coast of Oregon, although mid-December to mid-January was the best month to watch thousands of whales traveling south to the warmer waters of Mexico. Late March was pretty awesome, too, when the gray whales returned to travel north along the shore of Oregon and all the way up to Alaska. Summer was the best, though. No question about it. Around two hundred whales would remain in the coastal waters of Oregon during those months to feed and it never got old watching the magnificent ocean creatures as they moved effortlessly around the clear blue waters.

‘When I become a pilot, Cara, I’ll take you flying high up in the sky. Then we’ll follow the whales all the way to Alaska to make sure that they get there safely. It’ll be a long trip, so we gotta bring loads of sandwiches.’

Even though he was sixteen, he still loved daydreaming like this, pretending that a future as a pilot lay mapped out in front of him, although it was becoming increasingly more unlikely with his worsening eyesight.

‘I’m real great at making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Finnie.’

‘I know you are. You make the best—but don’t tell Dad that,’ he’d grinned.

‘I won’t, Finnie. Pinky promise.’ She’d nodded solemnly, holding out her small pinky for him to squeeze, before continuing. ‘Can we go to Mexico, too? You know, on the way back?’

‘Of course we can, sis. We can go anywhere you wanna go.’

‘Cool,’ she’d murmured, her eyes all dreamy and far away. ‘I always wanted to get a real Mexican pi?ata.’

‘We’ll get one. We’ll get anything you want. Even one of them big sombreros, you know? One of them big hats.’

‘Yeah.’ She’d clasped her chubby hands in front of her chest as she looked out toward the sea. ‘I want one of those, too. A pink one.’

‘Pink it is.’ Finn had squinted through the binoculars. When they went whale watching, he wore contact lenses instead of glasses. Made it easier to use the binoculars even though his eyes would tire quicker. After a short pause where they both got lost in the beauty of the sea, patiently waiting for the whales, Cara tugged at his left sleeve.

‘What do you want, Finn?’

‘Whatcha mean?’ he’d asked, lost in his thoughts about flying high in the sky above a school of colorful fish.

‘What do you wanna get in Mexico?’ Searching his mind, he came up blank. It wasn’t like Finn to ask for anything, which always caused some level of frustration to his parents around Christmas and his birthday. Usually, they would end up giving him yet another model airplane or a book about the U.S. Air Force.

‘Hmmm, I don’t know…’ he’d whispered. ‘I guess I already have everything I need.’

‘That’s a lame answer, Finnie.’ Cara had looked at him, a semi-annoyed expression on her face. ‘I don’t like it when I get things and you don’t.’ He’d failed to bite back a grin. She was so damn cute, his sister.

‘Okay, then I’ll get something.’ He’d nodded. He never wanted to be the reason for Cara to not feel anything but good about herself. So, if it could prevent her from feeling bad, he would get something. ‘What do you think I should get?’ he’d asked.

‘Maybe you should get a sombrero, too,’ she’d rushed out eagerly. ‘Then we can both wear them when we go to the beach with Mom and Dad.’

‘Yeah, I’d like that.’ He’d nodded, relieved that Cara was all innocent smiles again. A familiar warmth had pooled in his stomach, his feet planted securely beneath him in the sand, Cara’s small hand clasped in his. On days like these, when everything seemed right and warm and bright, he could almost forget that he wasn’t a real Kennedy. Almost.

‘Look, Finnie! Here they come!’ Cara’s shrill voice had torn through the roar of the ocean waves. As she’d pointed towards the horizon, he’d followed the direction of her finger. And yes, there they were, and for the next hour or two, everything else had faded into the background, and there was only Cara’s hand in his, his heart beating excitedly in his chest, and the magnificent spectacle in front of him. ‘Here they come!’

“Here we go,” his dad’s voice brought him back from whale watching, his mom’s fond eyes taking him and Cara in as they sat tangled together in the back like so many nights before. Nights he would always treasure, hoarding them in his memory along with all the other tiny little moments that made up his life now.