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Chapter Thirty-One

Hank

Now

“You got everythin’?” he spoke over Finn’s shoulder, zeroing in on that guy Lulu, who was doing what appeared to be some pre-road trip stretches next to the aquamarine-colored car. Some sort of upbeat dance music blasted from inside their FIAT, Xavi tapping repeatedly against the steering wheel, an indecipherable frown between his black brows that could mean anything from I wanna kill ya to I wanna throw you over my shoulder and fuck ya.

“Yeah,” Finn nodded, shifting on his feet, the toes of his boots covered with snow. Hank had attempted several times this morning to make eye contact with Finn—allowing himself to drown just once more in those muddy-brown eyes that weren’t really muddy the more you looked at them but a beautiful blend of browns—but it was just too bloody painful. He was afraid that if he looked into Finn’s eyes—truly looked into them—he would never be able to let him go. Hell, saying no to Finn last night had been an act of Sisyphean proportions. He’d wanted nothing more than to just fuck the kid and then afterward put him over his knee and spank him for being so goddamn tempting. Then tie him to his headboard and never let him go. Damn, he would probably like that just fine, that damn incubus. Shit.

“You packed the food, too? No need to spend too much cash on the road on junk food.” He’d gotten up early this morning, making a huge lunch for Finn, adding all of Finn’s favorites. Hell, he’d even made an afternoon snack, too. Slices of apples, two oranges, and a small bag of chips.

“Yeah. Thanks, Hank,” the kid mumbled, patting the front room of his backpack. While Finn had showered this morning, Hank had gathered the model planes and snuck them into Finn’s worn backpack, placing them at the very bottom under Finn’s few belongings and items of clothes. They were Finn’s now anyway, just like other parts that he didn’t dare put into words.

Turning toward Finn, he reached out his hands and fastened the red scarf tightly around his neck. He felt Finn’s gaze on him, willing him to look up. Patting the front of Finn’s parka, he nodded as if he was now ready to let him go. Right. Looking up, his gaze connected with Finn’s. As heartbreaking as it had been to let go of Eugene that day in March seven years ago, it felt near impossible to say goodbye to Finn. Because saying goodbye to Eugene had been permanent. The end of the road. Everything had been said and done, nothing unspoken or unsettled. As hard as it had been letting Eugene go, it had been time. It had been the only thing he could do. Be strong for Eugene, not making his imminent departure from this world even harder. But the knowledge that Finn would be out there—anywhere but here —living and breathing and going about his life, a life that didn’t include him, was just… wrong .

Finn’s eyes glowed in the morning sun. After the storm had passed, the days had been beautiful, the sky a clear blue, frost hanging to the pine trees every morning. Biting his bottom lip, Finn shrugged, the moths fluttering indecisively. Licking his lips, he seemed to hesitate, his pink chapped lips pursed into a question perhaps and Hank just about blurted, stay or I’ll drive ya. Don’t go yet. Come spring, I’ll drive ya myself. Or I’ll drive you now. Whatever you want. Whatever…

“Hank?”

“Yeah?”

“I was just—”

“ Vamonos! ” Lulu yelled in the background, opening the side door, looking over at the two of them.

“Fuck no!” Xavi blurted, grabbing the door from the inside. “You ain’t ridin’ shotgun. It’s too fucking early for that. Don’t need you messin’ around next to me before at least noon.”

“But—” Lulu pouted.

“No but, hermano . Or I’ll throw you in the trunk. Finn? You comin’?” Xavi looked out of the car window in their direction.

“Yeah,” Finn yelled back, an unspoken question in his eyes that would probably haunt Hank for the rest of the day. Perhaps most of the night, too, when the space next to him was once again empty and cold. Yeah, who was he kidding? It would probably haunt him forever. “What if this isn’t goodbye?” Finn bit his bottom lip as he looked directly at Hank. “Maybe I could come back sometime? Check in on you. See how you’re doing?” Hope glimmered in his brown eyes, competing with uncertainty. He looked so damn vulnerable, and Hank wanted nothing more than to say yes or I’ll come to you.

“Yeah. Maybe,” Hank murmured half-heartedly, hating himself for being such a coward.

“Or maybe you could come visit me in Oregon? I’ll show you the whales and take you to the Air and Space Museum in Eugene.” His eyes grew bigger, a silent plea in them.

“Yeah. That’d be nice,” Hank swallowed.

“I could show you where I grew up.” The initial hopefulness was starting to give way to sadness, Finn’s shoulders slumping forward. If it wasn’t so damn hard, it would be so easy to just give in right now. To take Finn. To keep him. For himself. To say come back to me. When you’re done with what you need to do, then come back to me. But that wasn’t right. He was too old, and the kid was just too damn…

As if reading his mind, Finn whispered, “Nah, you won’t come. That’s okay too, Hank. I guess some things are better left as they are.” With a final nod, he adjusted the backpack over his shoulder and offered Hank the saddest-looking attempt at a smile that Hank had ever seen on his beautiful face. “Thank you, Hank,” he whispered. “For everything.”

Turning around, he walked across the drive, gravel crunching beneath his boots, his golden locks disappearing under the red scarf. Lulu came around the car, a broad smile on his face, reaching for Finn’s backpack, and throwing it in the back.

“You ready, titi? ”

“Yeah. I’m ready.” Finn nodded, Hank willing him to look over his shoulder just one last time, but his posture remained stoic, frozen, as he went around the back of the car, toward the passenger side.

“You good, hermano?” Xavi spoke over the music, his gaze shifting between Finn and Hank. Finn nodded as he got in the car and closed the door behind him. The ignition started, and Lulu hurried, jumping in the back seat while spewing something unintelligible at Xavi, who just shrugged. Rolling down the window, Lulu leaned out, his face bright.

“Thank you for everything, Hank,” he yelled, reaching out his arms and waving around. “ Hasta la vista , Hayley’s Peak.”

“Roll up the fucking window, will ya?” Xavi scowled. “You’re letting out all the fucking heat.” Throwing Hank one final smile, Lulu closed the window, and the car sped out of the drive, the crunching sound beneath the tires reverberating through Hank’s chest, imitating the pathetic sound of his own heart breaking.

Unable to watch Finn disappear from his life irrevocably, he turned around and walked the few steps to the porch, the sound of the retreating car eventually fading into nothing. Reaching the porch, he sat down on the bottom step, resting his arms on his legs, the quiet surrounding him until a mournful voice broke through the quiet. There was a rushing noise, and out of the corner of his eye, in the periphery, he saw a couple of gray birds landing on a branch in a nearby pine tree. Of course. For nearly a month and a half, Finn had stayed in Nebraska, searching high and low for that goddamn bird. And now, as if in one last mockery to Hank, it showed itself in all its dull and unimpressive glory. Right.

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