Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Jaxon

H er skin was so frail beneath my hand, and her smile was fading just like the light leaving her eyes. It hurt to see her like this.

“You promised me, Jaxon.”

My heart squeezed. Pain lanced through my chest. “Penelope, princess ? —”

She shook her head. “You promised me, remember? You promised me you would move on. You can’t remain sad and miserable over me for the rest of your life.”

How the hell could she say that when for so long, she’d been the center of my universe? How the fuck did she expect me to move on when we shared twenty fucking years together? When she saved me? How was I supposed to move on from her?

“It’s not as easy ? —”

“It is,” she said, interrupting me. “You’re just making it hard.” Reaching up, she cupped my cheek, catching a tear as it ran down my cheek. “Find love again, Jaxon.”

I jerked awake, sweat clinging to my skin. Silent tears were running down my cheeks. Her voice had been hers —the voice she’d had before the cancer really began to wear her down and slowly take her away from me. But the image of her pale, sunken-in skin had ruined the beautiful Penelope that had been my wife.

I hadn’t dreamed of her since the night Spencer and I had brought her ashes home. Her image had even begun to fade from my mind. But now, she was back in 4k HD.

“Why are you reaching out now ?” I asked her, my voice filled with pain, but I knew I was only speaking into my empty bedroom. Sighing, I leaned forward, bracing my elbows on my knees, and dropped my face into my hands. I scrubbed the tears away before I just stared down at the carpet beneath my bare feet, my chest almost too tight to breathe.

“I don’t know how you expect me to just move the fuck on,” I muttered. But once again, nothing but the darkness and crickets chirping outside reached my ears.

Ash meowed and began rubbing against my side. I picked her up and cradled her little body to my chest. At least I had her. I could deal with this with her. She was someone to take care of. Someone I needed to remain strong for.

“Are you hungry, little one?” I asked, rubbing my finger beneath her chin. She began purring, and the sound loosened something in my chest. Standing from my bed, I padded out of the bedroom and into the hall. “Let’s go get a bottle, huh? I don’t feel like cleaning up your messy paws.” When I’d given her some of the soft food Eros had sent me home with yesterday, she’d made quite the mess. Soft food was everywhere . And Ash had not been easy to clean up. She’d eaten as much as her little belly could handle, but eating soft food was definitely going to be a slow process.

After sitting at the bar and feeding Ash from the bottle, I set her down to let her roam the house. It was only four in the morning, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. Not with Penelope haunting my dreams.

I grabbed my phone and pulled up my Spotify cleaning list, letting “Strong for Somebody Else” by Citizen Soldier drown out the depressing thoughts of my wife. If this continued, I would seek therapy. But for now, I’d wait it out to see if she went away on her own.

I hoped she went away on her own. I couldn’t handle her haunting my dreams. Not when I was already confused over these weird feelings for Eros and his husband, Zeppelin.

I looked up when my front door opened without a knock prior. Spencer strode inside, Ezra and Logan hot on his heels. “Hey, Dad— ohmyGod , is that a kitten?” my son squealed, his voice going high-pitched. He thrust the box of donuts from Dunkin at Ezra before sinking to his knees and scooping Ash up into his arms. She nuzzled into him, and he grinned.

Logan chuckled and pressed a kiss to his temple, pure sappy adoration gleaming in his eyes. “When’d you get a kitten?” Ezra asked as he set the donuts on one of the many boxes I had yet to get unpacked. He popped it open and stole a glazed one. I reached over and grabbed a chocolate-covered one with sprinkles.

“She was in the overgrown flower bed out back,” I told him. “Found her yesterday morning. Took her to the vet. Dr. Hendrix,” I refused to call him Eros out loud because if there was anything these three boys would pick up on, it was that I referred to someone else by their first name when I usually didn’t, “said she’s only about four to five weeks old, so she’s on formula and soft food until her next appointment in two weeks.”

“What’s her name?” Logan asked, reaching out to pet Ash. Ash hissed at him and swatted his fingers, making me laugh. Logan sucked in a sharp breath of surprise, yanking his hand back. Spencer stuck his tongue out at Logan, and Logan leaned in, snapping his teeth like he was going to bite it off.

Jesus .

“Can you two not?” I asked, giving Logan’s horny ass a pointed look. He just shot me a mock-innocent look. It was too early for their shit. I rolled my eyes. “Her name is Ash.”

“Cute name,” Ezra said. “You got coffee?”

“Kitchen,” I told him. “What are you three doing here anyway?” I asked, licking my fingers clean before turning back to the box I was sorting.

“Figured you could use help,” Ezra answered from the kitchen since Logan and Spencer were distracted by Ash still. “I know you said you had it, but Spence thought you could use the company.”

My son wasn’t wrong. I looked over at him. He just met my gaze with a stubborn one. I sighed.

He could tell something was off. Just great. The last thing I wanted was my three kids pestering me.

“Grab a box and just sort it the best you can,” I told them, turning back to the box in front of me.

“Aye-aye, Captain,” Logan said, saluting me. Rolling my eyes, I grunted and got back to work.

Spencer stepped outside onto the patio, quietly shutting the door behind him. I slowly exhaled. I’d been avoiding this conversation with him, but I’d finally needed a breather. I should’ve known Spencer would take advantage of me being alone. He was my son, after all. Habit-wise, the apple didn’t fall very far from the tree with him. Like father, like son, I guessed.

“Dad, what’s going on? You look like you’ve barely slept, and every time you touch something that Mom bought, you look like… like you want to break it or something.”

I drew in a deep breath and brought my beer to my lips. Spencer waited patiently as I tried to gather my thoughts. Tried to figure out what I wanted to tell him. I didn’t want to freak him out. And he was still in college. Still needed to focus on school and not on his spiraling dad. But I knew he’d be able to pick up a lie, too. Then, he’d just be upset with me.

“I dreamed of your mom,” I finally told him.

Spencer blinked up at me. “Oh?” he finally said.

I nodded. “Yeah. Oh.” I stuffed my free hand into the pocket of my pajama pants. It was two in the afternoon, but I didn’t give a damn. It wasn’t like I was going anywhere today. I was literally just unpacking and trying to organize my new house. And keep Logan from trying to defile Spencer and Ezra when I turned my back.

The kid had absolutely no boundaries.

“What was it about?”

I swallowed thickly, trying to breathe past the lump lodged in my throat. “She was telling me to move on. Her voice was… normal.” I rolled my jaw around. “But she was still sick. Frail. Like she was in her last days.”

Spencer reached out and tugged my hand from my pocket, grabbing it in his. I gently squeezed it. “What’d she say?”

I licked my lips, staring out at my yard. I needed to cut the grass sooner rather than later. It was cut when I moved in, but hell, the grass grew fast here. And maybe I should get some hedge trimmers. And maybe buy some gloves, too, so I could clean up the flower bed?—

“Dad, you’re dissociating.”

I blinked and turned to look over at Spencer. He frowned at me, concern burning in his eyes. “What did Mom say to you, Dad?”

I sighed and finished off my beer. “That she wants me to move on,” I muttered. “I… promised her before she died because she was pleading with me. It was her last dying wish.” I laughed, shaking my head, but the sound was dry and humorless. “Even in death, she’s still impatient as fuck.”

Spencer hugged me then. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my chin on his head. “I miss her a lot, you know?” he asked, his voice husky.

I hugged him back. “I know, kid. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss your mom. Which is why I don’t think I can give her what she wants.”

Spencer stepped back and smiled at me. “You will. In time,” he assured me. “But don’t do it now just because she’s being pushy.”

I scoffed. “You know your mother.”

He laughed. “I do. But just remember, she’s gone, Dad.” His throat bobbed. “She’s gone,” he repeated, his voice softer now—sadder. And it broke my fucking heart. “She can’t make you do anything anymore. You two had a happy, loving marriage; it was enviable, honestly. But now, you’re allowed to live your life however you want.”

With that, he walked inside, leaving me to my thoughts. And all my confusion and heartache.