Chapter 3 Confiding in Curry

"I've never dated a Jewish guy," Maya said, dipping a piece of naan into the red sauce with cubes of something in it. Leah couldn't remember the names of what they had ordered, tikka something, but it was delicious. A little spicier than she was used to, but she thought the heat was a taste she could acquire. Leah felt herself starting to sweat after Maya's comment.

"What do you mean?" Leah suddenly felt very na?ve. She'd only ever considered dating Jewish boys, her mom had ingrained that in her since she was in diapers. She'd never even considered that dating a non-Jewish guy was an option.

"I don't know, I guess I'm not really attracted to them."

"But you're going to marry one, right?"

Maya shrugged. "Did you taste the saag paneer?" Leah's eyes drifted to the bowl Maya was referring to. A green soupy dish with more cubes of what Leah assumed was tofu, although she had never eaten tofu before.

"Yeah, it's really good." Leah scooped some onto her plate. It was good, strange, but good .

"My last boyfriend was Indian," Maya confided. "It was starting to get serious, but then his family made him break it off because I'm not Indian. I mean, I would have totally gone to India and worn a Sari for the wedding, but they were not having it. Can you believe it?"

Of course Leah could believe it! Her parents would have responded the same way! "No, I mean, well, I guess, I get it."

"You get it?"

"Well, my parents would never let me date someone who wasn't Jewish."

"Let you? Why do they get to decide who you date?"

The truth was that Leah had never even wanted to date someone non-Jewish. She'd barely had the opportunity even if she had wanted to. She grew up in a typical Jewish neighborhood where even her public school was at least half Jewish. She spent her evenings and weekends in Hebrew school or going to Jewish youth group events and then studied at Brandeis, where almost everyone she knew was Jewish. Now it was Leah's turn to confide.

"Well I've only really dated one person." Leah felt embarrassed as she said it, but how could she and Maya ever be real friends if she hadn't shared this information? She would have dated more people, lots more people! But she had fallen in love in ninth grade and until very recently she was sure that love would last forever.

She remembered the moment she first saw him, at the dance her Synagogue hosted for the B'nai Brith Youth Organization's regional chapters. It was her first event and she couldn't believe she was finally let into the club. She'd been hearing about BBYO events from her older sister for years and couldn't wait to go herself. Her sister was always chanting songs from the youth group, mentioning little traditions they had (like eating pretzels in frosting, which sounded disgusting and delicious at the same time), and coming home with little paraphernalia and t-shirts that she treasured the way their mom treasured her wedding ring.

When she entered ninth grade and her bat mitzvah class was invited to the dance, all the girls had gotten excited—this was it! Their real initiation into becoming women (and it felt like a much more legit transition than their bat mitzvahs!)

She'd spent hours getting ready. Her mom and sister had taken her shopping to buy a new dress at Neiman Marcus and when she put it on, she felt more like a woman than a girl. She and her sister stood together in their bathroom putting on their makeup and styling their hair. She'd dabbed glitter on her eyelids and struggled with the liquid liner until her eyes were even enough. After mascara and lip gloss, she pulled her curly hair into a ponytail and clipped a gold barrette on top. She was ready.

Her sister Shira was getting a ride from her friend to the dance and agreed to bring Leah along with them. She sat quietly in the back of the car while Shira and her friend gossiped during the ride. Usually, she would take any opportunity to listen to her sister's gossip. There were always people kissing or breaking up or getting in trouble for things. But this time Leah was nervous, wondering what it would be like for her to arrive with two seniors.

Her worries were answered as soon as they got to the social hall. Her sister checked that Leah found her friends and then she immediately abandoned her for her own friends. It was for the best, Leah thought, she was relieved to be with her familiar crowd. Leah and her friends danced in a tight circle for most of the night, enjoying the thrill of being there. All of the girls were constantly looking around as boys sometimes approached and circled them before returning to their own circles of friends. It was embarrassing and exhilarating at the same time. And then she caught his eye.

He wasn't dancing and she was pretty sure he hadn't danced at all the entire night. He was standing with his friends at the side of the room laughing about something that Leah was sure was truly hilarious. He looked at her and smiled. It sounds cliché to say that time stopped for a moment, but it did. And at that moment, Leah knew that she was going to marry that guy.

The moment ended. She continued dancing. And when the dance was over she wondered if he had felt it too. Did he also know they were going to get married? The crowd started to disperse and she looked for him.

Her sister found her first and asked if she had fun. "Yeah!" She said enthusiastically. "Do you know a guy with curly hair and really pink lips?" She asked her sister. "I think he had blue eyes."

"This is BBYO," Shira responded. "You've got to be more specific."

Just then, he bumped her shoulder. "Hey."

Leah blushed and then she knew it. She knew he knew it too. "Hey." He introduced himself as Asher and asked if he'd see her around at future events. "Definitely!" she responded and that was the end of their first interaction.

It had been months until they had met again. She had been to every BBYO event in hopes of seeing him, but he wasn't there until he was. During their second interaction, she learned that he was a sophomore and played soccer at his high school. It was only on their third interaction that he asked if she wanted to hang out after. Well, it wasn't exactly a date, but it was the closest thing for a high school freshman. "Everyone's going to McDonald's, if you want to come," he'd said. She went and ate fries with him and his sophomore friends and then her sister drove her home.

By Leah's sophomore year, they were an item. The BBYO IT couple. Everyone knew they would eventually get married. And then Asher graduated. "I'm going to school in Los Angeles," he'd declared as if it had always been a part of the plan. "You can come meet me there next year."

Leah did not want to go to college in LA. She did not want to be so far away from her family. How could he make that decision without her? She had agreed to apply to schools in LA and she kissed him goodbye when he got on the plane to start his freshman year. They'd stay together, they agreed. It would only be long-distance for a year, they told each other, but Leah had no intention of going to school across the country. But she lied and told Asher she applied.

When she got her acceptance from Brandeis, she couldn't hide it anymore. She begged him to transfer, didn't he miss her? In his freshman year, he'd only seen her three times! Thanksgiving, winter break, and a short weekend when she flew out to visit. Did he want to continue living like that?

In short, he didn't and they agreed on an open relationship. Just until they graduated and both moved back to New York. This was the best for both of them, Asher reasoned, they could enjoy college and know that they would eventually be together. Leah agreed, although she could never enjoy the open relationship. She didn't feel like she was in an open relationship, maybe she didn't know how it was supposed to feel. So she pretended they were still together and she never dated anyone else.

When Asher graduated, he moved back in with his parents. He visited her a few times in Boston, but whenever he was there, she felt smuggled. She realized she was happier when he wasn't around. So when her graduation started to approach and he started talking about getting an apartment together, she cringed. "Maybe we need our space still," she'd said and told him she wanted to move to New York City.

"I like NYC," he'd commented, but she explained that she wanted to move there alone. Well, not alone, she'd have a roommate, but not with him. He understood and then there she was, sitting in a restaurant in Curry Hill eating Tofu Saag Paneer with a girl she'd just met who'd dated an Indian guy.

She gave Maya the short version of the story: she'd stayed with her high school sweetheart throughout college and was newly single. She'd love to date someone new and have some new experiences, that's why she moved to NYC in the first place!

"But only Jewish guys, right?" Maya asked.

"I mean, if not, what's the point?"