1. One

One

Willow

I’ve been struck by lightning.

That’s the only explanation for the ruthless attack happening to my body right now.

The bolt of electricity rips through my mind and travels to my chest, searing every nerve with a flare of unbearable heat and light. Every heartbeat is a painful aftershock that leaves me stunned, breathless, and shaking so violently I’m surprised I don’t burst out of my skin.

My ears ring with piercing static and my thoughts—memories—scatter like sparks in a storm. The intensity of the strike tears them apart left and right, and they’re battling to figure out where in my mind they’re supposed to be.

Everything’s spinning.

I search Aurora’s kind eyes for some semblance of grounding. The calm, gentle nature seeps from her, beckoning me to latch onto the lifeline, but whatever’s going on with me is acting like a shield, blocking out her attempts to protect me.

My back bows as my mind fractures—I swear the force splits my skull in half. For a fleeting, blissful blip in time, there’s nothing. I see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing, taste, smell, you name it.

Nothing.

The reprieve is over far too fast. The life I was beginning to know and grow accustomed to comes crashing down around me.

Barrier after barrier in my mind crumbles like poorly constructed buildings after a cataclysmic earthquake. There’s no stopping it as memories splinter in from all angles, yet I haven’t the slightest clue why they’re bringing me such devastation.

But that’s all I feel.

My heart is shattering beneath my tightly clenched fist as though it’s me who’s reaching in and carving it out. The fingers that’re running soothing circles on my cheek flinch as an anguished scream rips from my throat and glass pelts the floor as it explodes all around me.

“Guys…Tillman…Someone please make it stop. Make it stop,” I beg, but there’s no answer.

Nothing can penetrate the havoc.

Elementra, please.

If this is the peril the memories bring forth, I don’t want them.

I don’t…

“I don’t want a shot. No, please, please,” I shout at the top of my lungs as my father wraps his arms and legs around my trembling body.

“Enough, Willow. If you can’t stay still, I will hold you down. Do you understand me?”

“P-please. I don’t need a shot,” I beg quietly as the tremors course through me, fierce enough to make my teeth chatter.

My current subconscious shoves its way to the forefront of my mind, and I glance through the blurry eyes that I know to be mine.

Only, they’re twenty years younger.

I try but fail to rip myself free of this moment. I want to rip six-year-old me out of the arms of that monster, but I can’t break away from the lock on my mind. Restraints I can’t see trap me in this particular memory, and I don’t want to relive this.

This day will forever haunt me despite the growth I’ve had.

“Enough,” my father commands, shaking me slightly and silencing any more of my begging.

A man standing above the chair my father and I are sitting on grips my wrist so hard I gasp. That inhale swiftly turns into a scream at the piercing pain of a needle shoved into the crook of my elbow, and my body naturally reacts to the fear pulsing through me.

Hot liquid runs down my legs at the first sight of red pouring through the tubing connected to my arm, and I sob harder as my father grips my arms painfully.

“You vile child,” he barks, causing me to flinch and tense, but my bladder won’t stop. I can’t make it stop. “One bag will be enough for today. My daughter has a lesson she needs to learn here and now.”

The man nods to my father, not bothering to spare me a glance as he flicks the sight of where the needle is protruding from as if that will make my blood flow faster.

I sit, petrified, shaking in my father’s lap, transfixed on the bright red that fills the clear bag to the rim, and the tears that won’t stop pouring from my eyes taste metallic on my tongue.

My small chest rises and falls faster and faster when the needle is pulled carelessly from my arm and a pitiful whimper passes through my lips as I fixate on the little droplet of blood that pools at the exit site.

It’s the first time in my life I can recall ever seeing my own blood and it turns my stomach inside out. The confusion and fear warring inside of younger me intensifies the turmoil rolling inside of my current self.

Fuck, I was so scared, so confused.

He’d given me no warning of what was to come when he sent a house staff to retrieve me from the sunroom where I was eating my breakfast. I had just sat down. Taken one bite of scrambled eggs and was doing a happy shimmy to the taste when my blissful moment was broken.

My disassociation breaks when the color is smeared down my arm as my father yanks me off his lap and drags me out of his study, muttering something to the man who just did his bidding. I try to dig my heels in, but all that gets me is a deadly glare. No command needs to leave his mouth because that look has fear skittering through my body.

“I-I’m sorry,” I hiccup through my sobs.

“Not yet, you aren’t, but you will learn today what your defiance and disgusting mannerisms bring you, Willow. I have instilled enough in you by this point that you should know better than to fight me,” he says back so gently, my little heart pounds with na?ve and childlike hope that he’s not truly angry.

The house staff we pass pause whatever they’re doing, bowing their heads low as I’m marched through the estate and out the back door that leads to the forest.

My gaze stares through the tall trees until it becomes too thick to see any farther and I swallow roughly, scared to death that he’s about to force me in there. There’s no telling what monsters hide inside.

“Put her in,” my father’s command startles me out of my staring, and I scream as I’m lifted off my feet.

The noise continues to rip from my throat as I’m dropped just a few inches from the bottom. The movement is so sudden and jarring, I tumble to the ground and take in a mouthful of dirt. My arms tremble as I try to push myself up on all fours, but shock has taken hold, zapping all my strength, and I roll onto my back.

“If you want to behave like a filthy child, I will treat you like one. You will stay out here until I deem you’ve learned your lesson.”

Getting my first glance around at where I am sends fright burning through my body. I jump up from the ground and claw my hands down the side of the dirt wall, screaming and begging as I search for a way to get a grip and climb out. It’s useless as I continue to fall on my butt, pulling more and more dirt down on me with each attempt.

“I’ll be good. I’ll listen. I promise,” I scream, cry, gag, and the sobs ripping through me are so hard they drag the contents of my stomach up with each desperate inhale.

“I find that hard to believe, Willow. It’s in your blood to defy me, but rest assured, I will break you of the habit.” He swears before stomping away, leaving me there breathless, petrified, and begging for his forgiveness .

Eventually, my stomach does revolt against me and somewhere along the way, I lost my shoes, so my bare toes get buried in both the contents of my breakfast and dirt. Exhaustion weighs my little body down. I just can’t fight any longer and with swaying staggers, I sink to the ground and pass out into the darkness.

I cry to myself where I’m still trapped in the dungeons of my mind with this memory that won’t release me. Using all the mental strength I have, I push at the barrier surrounding me, but it doesn’t relent. It doesn’t loosen up. If anything, it latches onto me tighter, and I’m forced to continue to endure this. Endure the first of many days to come that warped me into the person I am today.

“Wake up, Miss Abott.”

My crusted eyes flutter open and the pounding in my heart starts immediately as I’m roused from what I thought was a horrific night terror. As I take in the dark dirt walls and the cool temperature of the earth, my tears instantly start flowing down my cheeks and my breathing quickens. My tiny fingers uncoil from the fistful of mud I was clinging to for dear life as I swiftly push myself up and look above me.

“You may come out now, Miss Abott. Your father had business to attend to,” my nanny, Ms. Johnson, says as she lies on the ground with her arms outstretched toward me.

Reaching down, she grabs me by my hands and pulls me out, then sets me on my feet and stands to clean herself off. I can’t stop staring at the long rectangular hole. From above, it doesn’t look so big, but in there…it seemed gigantic, never-ending.

“Now, you need to go get cleaned up. Your father will be away for the night and I’m to report to him any bad behavior, so keep that in mind,” she says so sternly, it feels like she slapped me.

Why is she being mean to me too?

My heart splinters open.

To feel now the confusion that was warring through my mind then is heartbreaking. Overwhelming. I was only six. I was still a baby, and I had no clue what was going on. I couldn’t understand why the lady who laid my clothes out for me every day and brushed and braided my hair was suddenly treating me as though I’d done something wrong.

When she reaches out to grip my arm, panic takes hold.

Pulling away from her, my chest heaves as I backpedal, glaring as if she’s the biggest monster in my life. The crunching of leaves underneath my feet has me turning my head and peering at the forest behind me.

The monsters in there or the one in front of me.

The forest wins.

I force my legs to propel me forward, away from the sound of her calling my name, away from that hole, away from that house. Away from it all.

“Run,” I quietly whimper to myself repeatedly as my bare feet pound across the forest foliage.

Tripping, I cry out in pain as my chin lands on a pinecone and my palms split open from the briars I grip while trying to push myself up on wobbling arms. I sit on my heels and bawl my eyes out, wiping the blood from my hands and the trickle running down my neck.

The sobs tear through my confused and flustered heart as I furiously rub at the dried and crusted mud between my thighs. All I do is spread the red from my hands all over myself and I continue to freak out to the point I throw up once again.

I breathe a sigh of relief, thinking this is over because, in my tortured mind, this is all I remember. I recall passing out after getting sick for the second time, but this memory never fades. This is a different version of the truth I’ve known for the past twenty years.

My current mental denial shoves once again at the lock keeping me caged in my mind, but a wave of calm rushes over younger me strong enough I feel it in my subconscious.

The persistent need to go farther, to keep traveling through the forest overwhelms me and my shaky legs finally gain some strength as I stagger along, holding on to the trees for support.

What is going on?

The more steps I take, the more my fear blossoms into my first taste of anger as I aggressively wipe the tears from my eyes. With each stomp, I feel something else. Something unexplainable for my age. It festers like a virus, spreading through my veins. Taking over completely.

Sure, I’m certain six-year-olds have big emotions and can throw quite a tantrum at times, but this is something completely different brewing in me.

It’s desperation, longing.

The farther into the forest I get, the more it intensifies.

The more at home I feel.

My steps falter as I snap my head up at the quiet sound of humming. It’s a sweet melody that draws me closer, but I take two steps back as a man, with hair the color of fluffy clouds, smiles warmly at me. He’s sitting with his back to the weirdest tree I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t look like any of the trees around me.

My body freezes like a deer in headlights when his kind eyes that match the sky pin me in place. The deeper I sink into his stare, the more familiar he feels. I don’t want to move away from him but toward him.

“My, my, you’ve wandered quite a ways away from your house, Willow,” he says, standing up.

He pauses in a half hunch, holding his hands up as I stumble backward, falling to my butt and crab-walking away from him as fast as I can.

“Whoa, whoa, it’s okay. Everything’s all right. I’m not going to hurt you.”

My retreat stills, but my breathing quickens, and my eyes track his every move as he lowers himself back to the ground. There’s a warmth about him that spreads throughout my body and despite my fright, my limbs relax until I’m sitting on the ground, mimicking him.

“I’m not supposed to talk to strangers,” I mumble quietly after a minute of him just smiling at me softly.

“You shouldn’t. It’s very dangerous to do that.”

“But you’re a stranger,” I say, cocking my head to the side.

His laugh fills the space between the two of us and like a fishing line with candy on the end, I crawl toward the sound as though he’s luring me in until I’m merely a foot away from him.

“To you, yes, I am for now, but I’ve known you nearly my entire life. My name is CC,” he says with a small smile on his lips, reaching his hand out for me to grasp.

Staring at its clean, golden shade, then at my pale skin that’s covered in dried mud, I try to wipe my fingers on my shirt, to no avail. I shrink in on myself, quickly pulling my hand back and tucking it under my leg. My face grows hot from both embarrassment and fear that he’s going to punish me for being dirty.

“It’s okay, Willow. I don’t mind a little dirt. I’m used to it,” he whispers softly, stretching his arm toward me a little more.

After another long, silent stare off, with trembling fingers and a clipped nod, I lay my hand into his warm palm.

A surprised gasp comes from me as my brain grows dizzy.

All fear flees my body as a voice fills my head, along with pictures of this man and me. He’s running with me through the forest, singing to me, fixing my booboos, rocking me to sleep. My heart triples in size as the lady in my head promises me all these things will come true along with a love like I’ve never known.

Before she tells me goodbye, she promises I’m safe with him and he’ll never hurt me.

Although I’m dizzy, as though I went on the merry-go-round too many times, I can’t stop from flinging myself at him in a fit of tears, clinging with my arms around his neck.

“There, there, it’s okay. I’m here now,” he says as he smooths his hand down my hair, shushing me quietly as I cry.

Time seems to stand still as I continue to let the heartache and confusion of the day pour out of me and into him. All my young, puzzled mind wants is to feel this affection and soak in this feeling that I’ve never felt before.

“You’re CC.” I hiccup as I finally release him and lay my head on his chest as though I’ve known him forever, not minutes.

“I am.”

“That’s not the name the lady called you in my head.”

“Oh really? When did a lady speak to you?” he asks.

“Just now. ”

“Can you tell me what she said?”

“She called me a funny name and said she sent you here to look after me. Then she called you a different name. It was long.”

“I see. Did she give you her name?”

“Yeah, it’s…Elma…Elma…” I grunt, growing upset with myself as my stuttered, tear-drenched speech can’t get the word out.

“That’s okay. I know who spoke to you. Her name is Elementra,” he says softly, washing away the frustration.

“So it’s true? You’re going to take care of me from now on?” I pop up excitedly, smiling from ear to ear.

His eyes soften as he smiles down at me, but it’s not as full as my own and I immediately feel his restraint. “Yes and no. I’ll be here every single day, right in this spot, but you still must live in your house, and no one can know about me.”

My lip trembles and my eyes water as heartbreak spreads throughout my chest. “I-I don’t want to go back there.”

“I know, and I wish more than anything you didn’t have to, but for now, it’s the only way. It’ll be our secret and an adventure you get to go on every day,” he murmurs.

“Adventures? Like playing games and make-believe?” I ask with a newfound childlike excitement at the opportunity to do things I hear all the other girls talk about at school.

“Just like that. It’ll be like we live in a whole other world,” he says.

“I’d like that. Very much.”

“Me too, Willow, me too.” He sighs softly as he traces my face. Reaching up with his thumb, he wipes away the blood still dotting my chin, then looks up at the sky. “It’s time for you to get back.”

“No, not yet,” I beg.

“They’re out looking for you, my girl, and I have somewhere I must be, but I promise I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Where do you have to be?”

He laughs lightly, wiping the tears pouring down my cheeks. “Today is a special day. My oldest nephew turns fourteen.”

“Fourteen?” I gasp. “That’s so old.”

His laughter echoes through the forest and he tilts his head back against the trunk of the weird tree. It’s so warm and comforting, I giggle right along with him.

“One day, you’re going to find that hilarious, sweet Willow,” he says gently, with a small smile. “Come on now.”

Again, I cling to him like my life depends on it, refusing to allow him to put me down. Without a complaint, he stands, holding me cradled in his arms, and makes it back through the trek that I practically crashed through to get here.

My tears flow down my face faster the farther away from that tree we get and the closer my house grows. The entire walk, he hums his quiet song and eventually, I mimic the music. With perfect timing, our song ends just as he stops his steps.

When he gently sets me on my feet, I hold his hand in a death grip as we stare at the back lawn from where we’re concealed from sight. My nanny and a few other house staff members are running around, hollering my name, but for the life of me, I don’t want to leave him.

“I don’t want to go home,” I whisper.

“This isn’t your home, Willow. You’ll go home one day,” he mumbles as he crouches down in front of me. “Remember what I said. You can’t tell anyone about me. Can you do that for me?”

“I can. I’m good at keeping secrets. I have a lot of them.”

His smile makes me want to tell him all the secrets I keep locked away in my little mind. I want to tell him everything about myself, although it feels like I’ve never gone a day without him in my life. My heart has known him forever.

“There are so many more to come, my sweet girl. I’m so sorry you have to be so strong for your age, but I’m so proud of you and I’m here now to help you,” he whispers as he brings me in close for a hug that I melt into.

I don’t want to let him go.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he promises again as he releases me and turns me toward the estate, then gives me a small push to get my feet moving.

I look back every few steps.

By the time I’m surrounded by the house staff who’s fussing over the condition I’m in, more fearful over their jobs than how I truly am, I no longer see him standing at the tree line and my mind finally starts to release me.

“Oh, CC…”

“Welcome home, filia mea.”

The peaceful silence that welcomes me as my subconscious gains back control is shattered the second my eyes fly open, and a blood-curdling scream leaves my chest.

Heartbreak. Grief. Pain.

The concoction of the three of those emotions creates a type of torture I’ve never experienced in my life. It ripples through my body like a sonic boom, and I sob in agony as it all rushes back to me.

“How could you?” I scream.

The infuriatingly soft, plush blanket that someone laid over me tangles around my legs, and instead of standing, I roll to the floor off the couch and that sets me off.

I can’t hold in my anger, my rage at the unfairness of this feeling, and I let it all out.

Bashing my fist into the ground, I scream bloody murder as I lay waste to nothing but the ebony hardwood beneath me.

“How could you leave me?” I sob.

Tears flow down my face like wild rapids and I fight mercilessly against the arms that wrap themselves around me. I don’t want anyone to touch me. I don’t want to calm down. I don’t…

“Primary, stop before you hurt yourself. Look around, we’ve got you. We’re here.” Caspian’s cold but calm tone cuts through the madness that’s slicing me to pieces. But it’s not enough.

My own darkness has taken hold.

My men. They’re here.

Stay with them .

“That’s right, little warrior, we’re here.”

It’s not enough.

“Take me to the South Wing,” I demand through my sobs.

“Princess, we need—”

“Take me,” I scream, surprising even Caspian as his arms flinch around me.

Corentin nods over my head, and a different kind of darkness swallows me whole as we move through the fabric of Elementra and are spat out in what seems to be a place frozen in time.

The second Caspian sets my feet on the floor, I run.

I’ve never seen this foyer with my own eyes, but my heart knows where to go. This is the only area that’s not blocked off and as I cross through the arch, I slam to a stop as my gaze takes in the shimmering ward.

I hear their footsteps, more than my men’s, running toward me, but I couldn’t give a fuck as my body vibrates with pent-up hurt, trauma, sorrow, mourning.

“We can’t go any farther, little wanderer,” Draken says softly from somewhere behind me.

No.

With a guttural screech, I pound on the barrier with everything I got and when it pushes back, I push harder. I give myself over fully to the darkness that’s always lurked below my surface. The void built up by the horrors I’ve lived through. Those that I remember and those that were hidden from me. Yes, to protect me, but hidden from me, nonetheless.

I pour my heart, soul, and body into every punch. Every strike, every scream has the ward trembling beneath my fist.

“How could you leave me? How the fuck could you do this?” I shriek until my throat is raw.

“Child, please. Please, calm down.”

I whip around on my heels at the sound of that voice.

Standing a few feet in front of my men, who look as though they’re preparing to declare war on someone, Gaster’s holding out a shaking hand for me to take.

My Gaster .

My Guardria .

He’s suffered just as much.

My chest heaves heavily as I clench my fist so tightly, my partially shifted nails slice through my skin. My heart seems to splinter apart even more as I fall into the depths of his baby blue eyes that portray the same grief as mine.

“He left us, Gaster. How could he leave us?”

His gaze fills to the brim with water and his entire body shudders. When the pierce of his pain hits me, I lose the tight hold I had on my elements and the entire structure rumbles, sending my Patera-Nexus, mother-in-law, and Keeper to the ground.

But not my men.

Not Gaster.

“Please, Willow, step away from the ward. Come talk to us,” he says softly, taking a step toward me.

I immediately take a step back. I can’t trust myself or my emotions in this moment and I don’t want him so close to me. I’d never forgive myself if I hurt him, hurt any of them.

My bloody palm lands against the ward, sending a violent tremor through the floors of this wing, inhibiting anyone from getting any closer to me.

Then time seems to slow.

Everything, everyone falls unnaturally sluggish as though they’re walking through tar.

My erratic heartbeat thuds in my ears, blocking out all noise, although I clearly see my men shouting something at me. They’re taking steps toward me, more like attempting to run, but they make no progress. It’s all in slow motion.

A vine wraps around my wrist, and my head tilts down to look at it, then back up at its caster. We’re the only two who can move.

“Step out of the ward, child, please. It’s imploding.”

Imploding .

His warning finally cuts through the rage-filled haze and panic immediately sets in. Trying but failing to jerk my arm free, the pull of the ward continues to drag me back, refusing to release me.

“Guys…” I tremble, staring at them with wide, shocked eyes.

I’m not getting out of wherever this is about to take me.

“I’m so sorry.”

Their bodies vibrate with the effort it’s taking them to try to break through whatever this stasis is that’s keeping them from moving, but it’s a useless feat.

Slicing through the vine tied around my wrist, I shoot a watery smile to Gaster, apologizing with my eyes for not being strong like he was. I apologize for letting my grief take control when a piece of my soul splintered off.

“He loved us both. So, so much,” I murmur in his mind.

His frantic gaze searches for a way out for me. He scours every nook and cranny he can see in the ward before letting his eyes settle on mine.

“Gaster, no!” I shout, but it’s too late.

The explosion is outwardly massive, but it sucks my body backward through a swirling void of rainbow to whatever awaits me on the other side.

But I’m not alone.

I’m wrapped in the arms of my only living Guardria .