21. Twenty-One

Twenty-One

Caspian

"You aren't supposed to have nightmares while you're wrapped in my arms, Primary," I murmur quietly when Willow sits up suddenly, gasping.

Her fidgeting woke me up a short time ago, and I've been sitting here holding her, waiting for her to come out of whatever place she was stuck in. Usually just a touch from me has her mind soothing back into restfulness but not tonight. Tonight, there's no chasing away whatever had a hold on her.

"Cas…" she says quietly, clutching my hand as if to make sure I'm real. "Not…not a nightmare."

"Where did you wander to this time?" I ask, even though the likelihood of her being able to tell me is slim to none.

My shadows travel over her body in a gentle caress, aiming to soothe her as she trembles, and looks around the room in confusion. Wherever her mind had gone, she's come back shaken up.

"To an ally. One who awaits us," she whispers.

When she finally turns to me, those maddening eyes are full of water, the dam on the verge of breaking. I can't have that. Nothing feels right when she cries, and I have no one to take it out on at this late hour.

"They'll continue waiting tonight. Come lie back down," I order, patting my chest so she knows exactly where I want her.

She does as I ask, but she forced herself to do it. That dream walk of hers is going to keep her up through these last few hours of darkness. No matter that she's surrounded by her Nexus, she's not going to be able to slip back into sleep. Which means neither will I.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Yes, really bad, but we both know I can't," she murmurs.

"Then would you like to wander somewhere else…with me?" I ask timidly.

Fear has become an emotion I've refused to acknowledge for years. Eighteen years, to be exact. Until her. She struck a kind of fear in me that I didn't even know was possible.

I fear how black my soul would bleed if I were to lose her. I know the man I'd become without her, and I fear that man. He has no conscience. No restraint, remorse, or regret. He's just darkness.

I fear telling her my story because for such a long time, my anger has brewed from not having all the answers I deserve, crave. Not all the pieces make sense to me, and at every turn here recently, I've had to hold my composure because little does my Primary know, she continues to bring things to light that could possibly fill those gaps in for me.

Because of that, I told myself I wouldn't force my story out or plan for it because that felt like suffocating pressure. But here it is. What better time to face my fears than in the dead of night when it's only me and her awake.

"Anywhere," she says confidently with a small smile. One I try immensely to match despite the panic pumping in my chest.

"Then hold on, Primary. This will be uncomfortable for just a moment."

My shadows wrap around the two of us like a thick, black duvet. Unlike how we usually become incorporeal when we travel through my shadows, right now, it's the opposite. We become heavier, solid as stone until we plummet through the keyhole to my dimension.

When I created my pocket dimension, my trust issues were at their peak and no part of me was comfortable with a physical object being my dimension key. Like Gaster's book is his. You couldn't convince me that no one would be able to infiltrate that. I know better now. It's much harder to gain access to someone else's dimension, but I wouldn't accept any other possibility then. So using the same lesson he gave Willow, Gaster and my uncle taught me how to make a pocket dimension out of the fabric of Elementra. And I taught myself how to manipulate my shadows to be the key.

No one controls my shadows but me.

Just as Willow must draw her circle in the air, my shadows must become their most impenetrable form in order for my dimension to open.

Her body wiggles uncomfortably against mine, and I know she's on the verge of panicking. This dark, tight space is freaking her out, but it's almost over and I give her a reassuring squeeze to convey that. As soon as we pass through my barrier, my shadows fall away, leaving the two of us in the bed inside of my personal space.

"Fuck." Willow sits up coughing, trying to catch her breath. "I thought I was going to suffocate. What the hell was that, Caspian?"

She doesn't give me the opportunity to answer before she takes in the sight in front of her. In seconds, her angry question is long forgotten and she's on her knees in the middle of my bed, her eyes tracing over everything she can possibly get a look at. Her mesmerized gaze both relieves and intensifies my anxiety.

She likes what she sees.

"Where…what…Cas, are we in your pocket dimension?" she stutters, looking at me with wide, alert eyes.

"We are," I say slowly, standing from the bed. "Take a look around, Primary."

Her curiosity takes hold like a feverish need, and she's off the bed and across the room to my bookshelf in a millisecond. Like a child in an all you can eat sweets shop, she plunders through my things, bouncing from one thing to the next as quickly as she can. It's as if she's afraid I'm going to swoop her away any minute now, so she must see absolutely everything all at once.

The room isn't large, just big enough for me to be comfortable. I don't come here when I'm in a foul mood as it soils the energy. This is my solace, and I only enter when I'm in the right frame of mind. I don't even allow myself to ruin my space. I like to keep the atmosphere cool and dim, so I stay completely relaxed when here.

Coming here to tell this story is breaking that rule, but I also wouldn't want to be anywhere else to tell her. Just here. Safe, comfortable, and alone.

The space itself is smaller than her bedroom we just left. Taking up one whole wall is a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf that holds my most prized books, research, journals, and objects. My bed is about half the size as her Nexus one and it sits opposite the shelves. That's why her eyes found it so fast. When I come here, the bed is where I work. There's no desk, no couches, none of the fancy things. My bed, books, two nightside tables, and a lamp. That's all it's ever needed.

I lean against the wall with a smirk on my face, watching her in fascination as she satisfies her craving to know what I've been hiding here.

"What have you found, Primary?" I ask as one of my books has grabbed her undivided attention.

"I'm not sure, honestly. Is this a book on your gift?" she asks.

She turns toward me, and I instantly realize what it is she's found before she even hands it over. Of all the pieces to pick, this is the one she chose.

"It is. I compiled all the research I could on my gift and then started adding my own experiences into it," I say as I flip through the worn pages. It's been a while since I've bothered writing in it, but I'm sure some things need updating.

Landing on a random page, I smile sadly to myself as I read over the sloppy notes I scribbled at some point in time. From the age of fifteen after being rescued and through my darkest years, I tended to write out my nastiest thoughts and feelings, like some tragic poet.

Oh, if past Caspian knew then what he knows now.

"The darkness swallows me whole every day. My fight has bled out because there's no sense in battling the night. It will come, it will conquer. It feels like home now. I've had to acknowledge the light doesn't need me nor will she come to me at my command, yet I still search. Although I know the truth to be—"

"She's waiting to guide my way until such time I admit I need her." Willow finishes for me and my eyes narrow in confusion.

Watching her closely, her chest rises and falls in rapid succession and she's looking at me just as bewildered. No one should know those words. I wrote them and no other's eyes have ever seen them.

"How did you know that, Primary?"

"I…I'm not sure. As soon as you started reading, it just came to me," she stutters, shaking her head out.

Elementra.

"Here," I say, handing it back to her. There're no secrets in there I'd be ashamed for her to see. She knows the darkest side of me.

"How long have you been building your dimension? Collecting all these?" She turns back to the bookshelf and slides my book into its spot, caressing its spine thoughtfully.

"Seventeen, almost eighteen years." I smirk as she spins on her heels and stares at me like that's forever ago. It's merely a blimp in our time. "Would you believe me if I told you, Primary, that growing up, I refused to pick up a book?"

"I never would've assumed that on my own. You asking me that, though, makes me think that was the case amongst your mischievous years." She smiles.

"It was. I wouldn't read a thing unless absolutely necessary for school. Even then I'd try my hardest to get out of it. It infuriated Gaster to no end."

"That's a drastic change from now. I don't think a day's gone by where I don't see you reading. What changed?" she asks, but the grin she's wearing slowly disappears as she works it out on her own.

Nodding at her, no words pass between us. I make my way to the edge of my bed and sit down, taking a deep breath.

"As hard as it is to believe, Primary, reading, having knowledge of the things that make this realm what it is, was the last thing on my mind at one point in time. It wasn't until after my kidnapping that I dove into researching everything I could get my hands on. My ignorance is what led to what happened."

Shaking my head out and linking my fingers together to ground myself, I get up the courage to just let it all fall out. There's no point dwelling on just the beginning. I've kicked myself long enough for not knowing better and believing the lie so easily.

"One day, I went out on my own to the forest behind the palace. Typically, I wasn't allowed to go out there without either Corentin or Tillman, but our parents had them distracted doing something. So I shadowed out the palace undetected. I thought I was hot shit for my ability to fool the guards, all the adults," I say with a dark chuckle and look down at my feet for a moment before forcing my eyes back up to hers. "I wish I'd never gone out there that day."

"Why?" she whispers.

"Because she was waiting for me."

Closing my eyes, I take multiple deep breaths to wash away her scent that instantly invades my senses every time I think about her. Just as always, that smell triggers the feeling of being trapped, vulnerable, at someone else's mercy and a tsunami rises in me. It takes everything in me to be able to fight the darkness that's starting to cloud my vision, pleading with me to come home.

I want to throw up, scream, punch something. Fucking rage. Do anything that'll make the sickening feeling that's rising in my chest just go away. The parts that come next are hazy from either the drugs she forced down my throat or from my mind blocking the trauma.

That fog is clearing out by the second the more I think about it, though.

It's becoming crystal clear.

I can't do this.

As though the sun has suddenly entered my space, light shines blindingly behind my lids, and I peel my eyes open to find Willow lit up like a Star gem, with both of her hands cupping my face. She's radiating pure power and I'm positive she's shining brighter in this moment than my brother has in all his life. It's fucking captivating and all I can do is stare at her in awe.

She's my light. She's my moon.

"You don't have to continue, Cas. You don't have to put yourself through that. I don't have to have your story to know who I am to you or to know how much I mean to you. You don't owe me or anyone else anything," she swears.

"No one but Elementra knows it all, Primary. I know now that she's chosen the parts she wanted to share with you. It's up to me to share the rest. I need someone to know my whole story. I need it to be you."

Those silver eyes I cling to desperately stare through me so intently, I feel it all the way to the depths of my soul where teenage me lives and grows restless. He's so ready to be set free, become one with the me I am now.

"Okay then, Cas. Show me," she whispers.

My world seems to become weightless and relief spreads everywhere throughout my body. She's giving me an easier route. Show instead of tell. It's going to be hard for her to watch, but she knows that. She's willing to be my light through this dark past.

"If you allow me to do this, there's no cutting it off, Cas. I may be able to speed through the things I've already seen, but for the most part, we'll be bystanders in your mind. Watching everything through your eyes. Are you sure?"

I nod, my voice failing to answer for me.

"I need more than that," she says softly, tracing her thumbs under my eyes. "I need your words."

"Go ahead, Primary. Take us back in time," I murmur.

She slowly leans her forehead to mine, giving me time to back out, but I don't. I wrap my hands around her thighs and lift her onto my lap.

I need to do this.

I've seen all of her. She needs to see all of me.

"Let the darkness engulf you, Cas."

"Getting into your nonsense early today, I see," my brother says as he sneaks up behind me where I'm creeping around the corner to scare Ms. Grace.

"Damn it, Core," I grumble when she whips around and gives me a scathing look.

Giving her my best apologetic smile, she rolls her eyes and stomps back into the kitchen, muttering about how I'm going to put everyone in this palace into an early grave.

"That was going to be epic. I was going to try to pull her into my shadows this time."

"You're going to get yourself or someone else hurt, Cas," he says disapprovingly.

Always the stickler for rules.

"What are you doing creeping up on me? That's my game."

"I was looking for you. You want to go practice our gifts for a little while? Outside. Not in here where you torment everyone," he adds when my smirk grows.

"Sorry, big bro, I got plans in a little while."

"With her?"

My eyes narrow at the disdain in his tone. I don't give a shit if he doesn't believe me about her being our chosen Primary. She said the families have decided and that's that. He and Tillman can get on board or leave me the hell alone.

Stomping away from him now that he's killed the mood, I hear his feet following behind me and roll my eyes, calling forth my shadows.

"Don't, Cas. I'm just trying to spend time with you. You've been avoiding us for weeks."

"Well, can you blame me? You and Tillman are pissy our Primary isn't ready to meet you yet, so instead of accepting that, the two of you have been shitty about it."

"Because we don't believe it, Cas. Our parents would never have arranged this without speaking to me. To us."

"Whatever, Core. I gotta go."

"No, wait. Just hang out with me for a little while. We'll play that stupid hide and seek game you like in the woods," he says, and I slow my hasty retreat.

I do like scaring him and I'm getting fast moving through the shadows.

"I have an hour until I'm meeting Silvia. I'll hang out until then," I agree.

His smile is small, but he doesn't argue with me, so we hurry our asses out of the palace and take off to the back lawn. Naturally racing our way there because he knows if I beat him to the tree line, I'll be hiding. He'll be finding.

My mocking laugh rings loud when I hit the tree line and become one with the shade. I hear him sucking his teeth and groaning, so I laugh louder, moving farther into the forest.

The shadows carry me on my command and my smile stretches across my face when I concoct the plan to climb the tree and jump behind him when he approaches.

He's going to light up like a diamond or shit his pants.

This is gonna be hilarious.

Low murmuring voices to my right stop my climb and the streak of yellow hair against the brown and green of the forest catches my eye. I smirk, slowly jumping down from the trunk because my role has reversed to hunter.

She came early to see me.

Creeping through the darkness preparing to scare Silvia, the chuckle wanting to escape me gets lodged in my throat when I see her surrounded by three rebels. Fear for her spreads throughout my chest and that's the only hesitation I give myself. I shadow in front of her and throw my hands out to protect her as I materialize.

"Silvia, run!"

Time seems to slow as a Star gem necklace is slipped over my neck and my limbs grow heavy as stone traps my hands. My body freezes as my gift slithers its way in to my chest so fast, it knocks the breath out of me. I try my hardest to run, but I don't get a step when one of the men in robes lands a solid punch across my cheek that has me colliding with the ground.

Utterly confused and dizzy, I shake my head, trying to push myself up, but my arms are pulled behind me as they start dragging me through the forest.

No. No. No.

This can't be happening. They shouldn't even be this close to the palace. Mom's going to flip out.

My heart thunders in my ears when my gift doesn't respond to me, and a cold sweat breaks out across my skin. I dig my heels into the ground, trying to stop them, but their grips only tighten on my arms and they pull me faster.

Core…he's here. Where is he?

"CORENTIN," I scream so loud it burns my throat.

Frantically, I look around, scanning the trees, hoping and praying he heard me. He'll come. He'll save me.

Kicking and screaming, I thrash my body whatever way I can to get them off me, get them to drop me, something, but nothing loosens their grips. Hope blooms in my chest as my favorite beacon of light comes charging through the trees and he skids to a stop.

My heart kicks up a notch and I stare at my brother, begging him to do something. He's here.

"CORE," I bellow and for a brief second, we stop moving.

Determination mixed with a little crazy spreads across my brother's face and I let a small smile cross my lips.

He's here.

He'll get me.

Come on, Core, come on.

"Get ready for transport," one of the rebels orders.

No, no, no.

He's not going to make it.

"CASPIAN."

I can't get my voice to work as fear chokes me so completely. He's so close, yet so far away. All I can do is send a thought to him I know he won't hear.

It's okay, brother. I love you.

Darkness swallows me whole and my stomach revolts as I'm whisked away from my brother's outstretched arms. I never should've left him. I never should've moved that far away from him.

Faster than I can call forth my gift, I'm popped back out directly into the sun and strapped down. It's so blindingly bright, my eyes won't open, and the loud noises overwhelm my hearing. It's not until the multiple hands stop tugging my body around that I force my mind to function, and I look around.

Four Star gems, a cot, and this chair. That's all.

I try to thrash around in my seat and bust the stone encasing me, but it's pointless, it doesn't budge, and my panic takes hold.

Until the door opens wide.

"Silvia, you're okay. What's happening? Did they get you too?" I ask and my heartbeat slows upon seeing her.

"Silly boy." She laughs as she strolls toward me from the doorway and the sound seems foreign. Her voice is different. It's more high-pitched and it makes the hair on my arms stand up and my lip trembles.

She's…different.

"Wh-What's going on?" I ask slowly as she transforms with every step she takes toward me.

Why is her face changing? Why does she look like that?

The weight of her body presses into me as she straddles my lap, and she runs her hands over my shoulders. Her smile fades into a sneer just as my heart grows hopeful and she forcefully tilts my head back, prying my jaw open.

I snatch my head away, causing the glass to clank painfully against my front teeth, but she keeps her death grip in my hair, ripping me right back to where she wants me. I sputter and cough as the vilest things I've ever tasted burn their way down my throat.

"We're going to our bonding ceremony. That's what's going on," she says, slamming her hand over my mouth to keep it shut, and my body begins to tingle.

Bonding ceremony? No, I'm not ready for that yet.

Why would the rebels be here for that?

A group of men floods into the room and I try to jump out of my seat, but all that happens is a small twitch in my fingers. Even if the weight of her wasn't holding me down, I wouldn't be able to move.

"Wh…" The words won't leave my lips and the more I push, the heavier my face feels.

"See you soon, honey." She waves as one of the men slings me over their shoulder. Her laugh haunts me through the transport and my stomach rolls with uncertainty.

What the fuck are they going to do to me?

Darkness still surrounds me even as the men step us out of the transport. Wherever they've taken me, is murky, dark, and the chill has my teeth chattering involuntarily.

Loud, commanding shouts pierce my ears and I try to peer around the body holding me, but I can't. I can't fucking move. Why can't I move?

Suddenly, my body hits the ground and my head lulls to the side where I get my first glimpse of what's going on around me.

Torches light the circled area in a petrifying glow. They highlight the bodies hitting the ground and the individual moving around them faster than the speed of light. There are snarls and sneers as he rips people's throats out easier than I could slice a sandwich in half.

"He's a child," he bellows as he's brought down to his knees a few feet in front of me. Eyes as red as blood glow brightly, burning through me as I'm frozen in place by whatever Silvia shoved down my throat and by fear.

Va-vampire.

They're going to feed me to a vampire. He's going to drink all my blood, then rip my throat out.

"I'm so sorry, boy. I'm so sorry." He apologizes over and over as his red eyes gain clarity and the glossy rubies beg for forgiveness.

Don't do this, please. Help me.

My mouth doesn't work no matter how much I command it to, so I try to communicate with my eyes. I beg, plead for him to help me, not hurt me.

Boney fingers grip my jaw, ripping my gaze from the vampire's, and I'm sat straight up. The burnt orange shirt that Silvia said looked good with my dirty-blond hair and olive skin is ripped over my head and I'm flung back to the ground. The lower half of my body is tugged and slung around until my dark jeans are thrown into the fire that's been made of the pile of bodies.

I'm naked.

No, no, no. What is happening?

Please move. Please work.

Fucking move, legs.

Drugs. She drugged me.

Bile collects in my mouth, washing away the aftertaste of the poison Silvia gave me, and although a little disoriented, noise filters into my ears. I take slow, deep breaths, trying to calm myself down so I can figure out what to do, where I'm at, and how I can get out of here.

We've trained. Trained hard, but they never trained me for what to do if I'm drugged, stripped of my clothes, and thrown into a forest with a bloodthirsty vampire.

What did she give me?

What do I do?

What would Core do? What would he…

"Oh, Caspian, don't look so fearful. You're okay. I'm going to take care of you." Silvia coos softly as she straddles my hips.

Silvia…No. Please don't do this.

Why are you doing this to me?

Frustrated and fearful tears alike pour from the corner of my eyes and her mocking laugh spears me right in the heart. She runs her fingernails across my cheek and pushes my hair away from my forehead. Although pointless, I try to command my body to obey me. Fight. A lump of cold realization gets lodged in my throat as the scent of her perfume engulfs me. The smell, once sweet, is now tainted as she leans forward and lays her sticky, wet lips to mine.

She's…she's going to bond me. Bond us.

I…I don't want that.

I want to go home.

Please stop.

I don't feel her weight as she pushes herself up, using my chest for balance.

I don't feel it when she wraps her hand around me.

I don't feel her sit on me.

When her body begins to move, I seal my lids shut and block out everything going on around me.

This isn't happening.

Nothing is happening.

There's nothing going on. You can't see, you can't feel.

You're just trapped in darkness, that's all. Nothing can hurt me in here.

My eyes fly open against my will as a scream gets stuck in my lungs, and the vampire turns my head so all I see is him. There're tears in his eyes and that for some reason calms my erratic heart.

If he's crying, it's okay for me to cry too.

That still doesn't stop him from dragging what feels like a sword of fire across my heart and my internal screaming drowns out the sounds of the noises leaving Silvia.

"What are you doing, creature?" a dark, cold voice asks, causing my element to turn to ice in my veins.

"The same as I always would, but he…the rune will not stay on him. It will not bind these two, nor can I bind him to you."

"And why is that?"

"I do not know. He is too powerful. Or there is a powerful presence protecting him. One far greater than you or me." The vampire or creature, whatever he is, doesn't look at who's talking and he smiles faintly at me.

"You're going to be okay, my boy," he whispers quietly to me.

I don't know how that is even a possibility.

I'll never be okay after this.

I want to go home.

"No, we'll go again. He just needs to be worn down a little," Silvia says happily and I seal my eyes back closed.

A feral sound leaves the vampire's mouth and Silvia's shriek follows me into the darkness as my body and mind finally declare enough is enough.

A slap across my face has my eyes flying open and a gasp has my lungs sucking in too much air at one time. When my frantic eyes meet those of Silvia's, they narrow, and I run my tongue across the blood dripping from my lip.

"You're ruining everything I've worked for, Caspian," she says low and deadly.

"You…you're a liar and an ol-old bitch," I slur, my mouth moving slower than the angry thoughts running through my confused and muddled mind.

Her face morphs into fury before she takes the dagger in her hand and slices me quickly. Then again. And again. My back bows off the table, and I want to keep from screaming. I don't want her to have the satisfaction of tearing more than my skin apart. But my heart doesn't get the memo. It shreds to bits as her betrayal slices deeper and deeper.

The dagger hitting the wall across the room with an echoing clank is the only warning the traitorous girl…woman…bitch gives me. My voice is back, but the movement in my limbs is not, so all I can do is brace myself as her outraged bellow hits me right before her fists.

Over and over and over. Until my head hits the stone table too many times and the darkness saves me again…

The hours roll into days, the days into weeks.

Every day is the same miserable routine and by this point, I know what's coming. And I pray every day it's the last day my eyes open.

Silvia comes in every morning and wakes me with kisses that I can't fight off and she runs her claws down my chest as the stone holds me in place. Her torturing privileges were stripped away after she almost killed me my first night because her beating carried on even after I passed out, so she's only allowed to stand in the corner and watch now.

And watch…she does. Watch and laugh. Watch and laugh.

Every fist that pounds into my body, she laughs at.

Every dagger that leaves a never healing slash on my chest, she laughs.

Every time I cry, beg, or plead, attempt to bargain or cooperate, she fucking laughs.

The scientist or whoever the hell they are test me ten ways to fucking Terian. Needles are shoved in my arms, drugs are forced down my throat, different variations of knifes, daggers, elements, gifts are skirted across my skin just so the reaction of my body can be recorded.

The men who are now in charge of my torture sessions have recently started a game where they'll dim the Star gems enough to rouse my gift from its groggy state and wait until it's pressed against my pores to turn them back up to their brightest ability. It causes my gift to wither and run chaotic inside of me. Any day now, it's going to rip me open.

The brink of death always seems so close, and I crave its presence. I want so badly for it to come for me. Finally take me away. I wholeheartedly believe death has to be better than this.

When her high-pitched voice rings in my ears this morning, I run my scraped and busted knuckles against the coarse stone around my hands and count…

Day thirty-three…

Elementra, please take me away. I don't want to live anymore.

"Time to wake up. We're having a morning ceremony this time, honey." Her psychotic voice echoes around my stone prison and the look I shoot her makes the smile melt from her face.

I'm ready for her move this time. As soon as she snatches a handful of my hair forcefully, I quickly tilt my head back, then slam my forehead into her nose as hard as I can.

I relish the sight of blood pouring from it.

Revenge is a sweet, sweet nectar. And I'm starving for more.

My small victory is short-lived when, with a screech so loud I swear my eardrums bust, she rears back and clocks me right in my nose, breaking it instantly. The horrid taste of the tonics mingles on my tongue with my blood when she forces them down my throat as soon as my mouth falls open on a scream.

"Now we'll match for our ceremony, you little fucker. Like it or not, in just a few minutes, you will be mine."

The blaring sound of an alarm smothers her haunting laugh, followed by multiple footsteps pounding down the hallway.

Please, fuck, Elementra, let the building be on fire and let them forget me in here.

The bitch goes running through the door after a muttered curse and my world begins to tilt as the drugs start coursing through my veins.

I'm hallucinating. This isn't real.

"Stay with me, Cas. Stay with me."

"Aunt Tilly."

"Cas, I'm here. Hold on, we're going home."

The shadows finally call me home.

I stay in the darkness of my mind and let it all out.

My soul becomes a tsunami, crashing against the shore that's all my pain, my heartache, my hatred, for not only the Mastery or for her, but for myself. It's the ultimate force of nature and I let it demolish everything in its path.

It tears down my cities, my walls, my prisons that I've built for myself to keep me protected. Their coverage has allowed me to never be vulnerable, exposed, and I allow it all to be broken. Destroyed.

I want to drown in the water that's flowing through me. Never to come up again for a breath if it means I still must face my own agony every day. If I must continue to live in such misery over what was done to me, I'd rather never surface again.

I should've listened to Corentin and Tillman.

I never should've distanced myself from them.

I've never told my brother I didn't blame him for not reaching me.

I never should've believed that my parents would seriously arrange a Primary for us.

I should've studied more so I knew more about what a Primary was, chosen or true.

The ceremony. The rune. The vampire. Keeper.

The truth hits me like a ton of bricks. I'd blocked as much of that night out as I could. I tried to erase it from my mind. But all I did was erase the important parts and held on to the agony. The inklings I've had. They all click into place.

Elementra, please take me away.

As the prayer for death that I've said so many times crosses my mind, my soul rebels. In the depths of my very being, a shift crashes through me.

A storm not of my own creation.

Its power is immaculate, pure, righteous, and in one swift move, it paralyzes my tsunami. Fires from the core of this realm dry up all my water. New vegetation, grass, trees shoot through the dirt and spread new life everywhere my eye can see. And finally with one whip of its wind, the destruction is cleared away, and the freshest air I've ever breathed fills my lungs.

My eyes fly open wide as I take a gasping, dire breath. It's without my command and my chest expands thankfully because I couldn't breathe on my own. I was suffocating.

My gaze collides with the most stunning sight I've ever had the privilege of seeing and the pure air freezes in my chest.

With her hand firmly placed on my chest, my Primary's hair blows behind her as her body glows in a halo of light and her purple eyes stare straight through me.

She's the storm.

Releasing a breath so intense, the poisonous fumes that have been living in my lungs for eighteen years are forced out by the air Willow's pushing through me. I suck it all up, letting it clean out the rest of my sullied system.

My next exhale seems to blow away the power radiating around her. The wild winds turn to gentle breeze as her shine dims and when her purple eyes fade, they leave behind her silver irises. They're glistening, and I'm petrified to see what's reflected in them, but I force myself to sink into their depths.

There's so much to find in them, but the only thing I'm truly searching for is nowhere to be found.

The weight of her concern caresses my heart because that's all it truly is. Concern. There's no pity. She's very much upset about what she saw, which I knew would be the case. I was only a teenager after all, but still, she doesn't pity me.

"You won't find that from me, Cas. I know exactly what you feel, and I'd never want your pity. I'll show you the same courtesy," she whispers, reaching her hand up to trace her fingers down my wet cheeks.

"Thank you," I murmur against her fingertips when I press them to my lips. "You've given me almost all my answers, Primary."

The word rolls off my tongue because that's what she is. She is my Primary. My true Primary. A woman so deserving of the title, I vow to spend the rest of my life making sure she knows exactly what that truly means to me.

"What do you mean?" she asks softly.

"The rape, the torture, I remembered it all. But a different version of it. I blocked out being taken to that forest and stripped bare. I'd blocked out Keeper's role in it. I've shoved it so far into the depths of my tortured memories, I couldn't place my finger on everything, but you just brought it all to light. Everything we've discovered makes more sense now, at least most of it, and it's all because of you.

"When I was rescued and the drugs cleared from my system, I was so angry. So fucking angry, Primary. I decided then and there I was no longer going to be clueless and allow myself to be put in that situation again. I read up on everything I could get my hands on. Gifts, elements, how our magic works, how to strengthen a Nexus bond between its members. I threw myself into everything. I was probably eighteen when I finally pieced together what her gift was. How it was she fooled me so easily. It was the one and only piece I put together by myself. It made me angrier, more violent. I needed my answers, but the rebel group was no more than ghosts, they were so secretive. I've been hunting for my answers, but they were locked in my mind until just now.

"She was always a pawn the Mastery used to get closer to me. Her gift is Figuration. She can make herself look older, younger, change her voice. They sent in a nobody with an incredibly powerful gift to draw out the easiest target.

"They weren't just torturing me because I was an heir. They weren't torturing me to steal my gift. They were trying to drain me dry of everything in me because the Summum-Master was going to place me in his designed Nexus so he could control me, get closer to my family. That's what he meant the other day when he said I was spoken for. I don't know why the rune wouldn't hold, but that doesn't much matter to me. What matters is it didn't."

It's a surreal feeling after all these years to finally be able to say I know for sure what and why that horrific event happened to me. There's no denying it that that's what's been causing my anger to be so fierce, so self-destructive for so long. I needed understanding and closure.

Now I have it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm one hundred percent still planning on ripping the Mastery to pieces. Both literally and figuratively. Just because I know the truth now doesn't mean I don't want revenge. I do.

And I plan to get it.

"Do…do the others know?" Willow asks softly.

"I've never admitted it to them if that's what you mean. My sudden aversion to touch, dismissal, and cold behavior toward women probably gave them hints. But you're the only one who knows she raped me."

Her body shudders and her eyes flash to slits rapidly before turning back to her own as she composes herself once again. Still, I pull her closer. Really to calm both of us down. I thought saying it out loud would be so much harder than it was. It still tasted like acid burning my throat and my heart is racing, but for years even the thought of it made me gag or sometimes even be physically ill. I can say it to her, though.

Because she's seen me at my worst, and I her.

"Do you know how old she was?" she asks, leaning up so she can look me in the eyes.

"She was twenty-six or twenty-seven at the time, I believe. She was old enough to bond, so from what we know, she was at least twenty-six."

She suddenly jumps up from my lap, her eyes completely violet as her dragon rushes to the surface. Smoke blows from her nostrils as she begins pacing back and forth across my floor, and this is the most of Draken's side I think I've ever seen come out of her.

My Primary is livid. Livid on my behalf.

"That means…that…ah, that fucking perverted rapist bitch. I swear." She continues her enraged pacing, running her hands through her hair as the math adds up in her mind. At this rate, she's liable to bring down this entire pocket dimension.

"Primary—"

"Is she dead?" she yells, cutting me off.

Why her question takes me by surprise I'm not sure, but a laugh bursts out of me, and I can't contain myself. It's freeing, consuming, a sound that's so rare and foreign to me now. To the realm. But I let it pour out of my mouth unfiltered until it naturally tapers off.

It's a very fair and valid question. I knew her tormentor wasn't dead when I saw our awakening, so of course she'd want to know the same.

"I'm not sure, Primary. I've hunted the realm for her high and low with no success. Knowing what we know now, I can only imagine the Summum-Master has her under lock and key."

That wasn't the answer she was looking for.

Staring me down like the predator she is, her chest expands with deep breaths as she tries and fails to get her anger in check. I can't tell if she's about to attack me or what. It's still a new experience seeing her possessive and protective over me. Sure, I've seen this side plenty, but this is the first it's been just the two of us, so it's wholly directed at me.

These emotions are thrilling when they're up close and personal.

"Elementra, mark my words. I will deliver her head to you." She growls and my eyes darken.

She may be a predator, but I'm a monster. Her monster, to be more specific. And deliciously dangerous words like that coming out of her mouth bring that beast right to the surface. She doesn't even know what's happening when my shadows surround her so suddenly and she finds herself pinned by her throat, across the room against my bookshelf.

"Is that right, Primary? You'd kill her for me?" I ask, pressing my lips across the corner of her mouth.

"Any day. Anytime. Anywhere. You are mine."

A hum sounds from the back of my throat, and I rub my nose with hers.

Keeping my lips a breath away from hers, I vow.

"Then it's time to make you mine, Primary."