44. Chapter 44

Chapter forty-four

10th May 2023

S itting at the edge of our bed, I stare down at my phone, hovering over the voicemail button for the thousandth time. Every day since the accident, I've replayed the voicemails I have saved from Laelia, seeking comfort in her laughter, her words of love, and the promise of her return. Words that once brought warmth now feel like a cruel echo from a past I can never return to.

Pressing the button, I close my eyes and brace myself for the familiar voice, hoping that today it will somehow be different, that her words will reach across time and space and heal this aching void.

"Hey, handsome! It's me!" Her voice is a soft melody, even in this heartache.

"I just wanted to let you know that I felt her move. Wait! Did I just say her?" She laughs lightly, a sound I can almost see as if she's right here in the room with me. "Because you always insist it's a girl, I think so too! Growing a life inside me feels so surreal. It's like magic, and I'm so excited. I can't wait for her to be here, for us to be a family. I can't wait to marry you, to spend the rest of my life with you, to watch our little girl grow up. You've given me everything I've ever dreamed of, and more. I love you, Killian. Always have, always will. Anyway, I'll see you at home, handsome. I love you. Bye."

I open my eyes, the weight of her absence crashing over me anew. My heart aches as I scroll through my photo album, filled with snapshots of us—happy, carefree, untroubled. Each photo is a fragment of life that was stolen from us, a collage of memories that now seem painfully out of reach.

As tears slip down my face, a knock at the door pulls me from my spiral. Ethan stands there, his face a mask of sorrow and sympathy. "It's time," he says softly.

I don't respond. I just lock my phone, slide it into my pocket, and follow him. I wish with every part of me that this day wasn't happening. That Laelia and our baby were still here, alive.

The cemetery is a sea of flowers, each one a symbol of love and loss. Some are fresh and vibrant, others have started to wilt, reflecting the fragile nature of life itself. The leaves drift down from trees like confetti, as if nature itself is mourning with us. The sky is an overcast canvas, occasionally broken by fleeting rays of sunlight.

In front of me, the oak-coloured casket seems to loom larger with every passing moment. My heart is a heavy stone, lodged in my chest, threatening to crush me with its weight. I sit, numbly watching as the priest speaks beautiful words about love and loss, despite neither of us being religious. The ceremony, arranged by my mother because I'm too broken to do it myself, feels surreal. I blame myself for everything—if I hadn't gotten distracted, if I hadn't looked at my phone when I should have been focused on the road…

Our second chance at love had been a bright flame, but now it's been extinguished, leaving only ashes and darkness. I stand, feeling Ethan's hand on my shoulder. He's been my rock through all of this, staying with me, but I've asked for space after today's service, and he has reluctantly agreed.

As the mourners disappear, I find myself left with my mum, Lloyd, Jasper and Ethan. I need a moment alone. I ask them to step away, and they nod, reluctantly retreating.

I turn my back to the casket, hoping for some sign that this is all just a nightmare. But nothing changes. I am still here, and Laelia and our baby are still gone. The only tangible thing left is the envelope with our baby's name choices. We agreed on a name for our daughter, Estella—a name as bright as the star she was meant to be.

I see a figure through the treeline and know immediately who it is. Anger flares within me, burning fiercely. I walk towards him, my rage building with each step. But before I can reach him, Ethan grabs my arm, pulling me to a halt.

"Let me go," I snarl, trying to free myself.

"No," Ethan says firmly. "Think about Laelia and your daughter. What would they want?"

"Don't you dare tell me what they would want!" My voice cracks with anguish.

"Think, Killian. He's not worth it. He was a terrible father to Laelia, just like yours was to you. He isn't worth the trouble or the pain he'll cause you. Think about Laelia . Think about Estella ."

Ethan's eyes are pleading, and though I want to argue, I know he's right. I look at Laelia's father, a man who has brought nothing but pain into our lives. If I could end his life to bring her back, I would. But Ethan's right. Laelia would never want this, and I can't let my anger destroy me further.

I tear my gaze away from him and walk past Ethan, my emotions a tangled mess of fury and grief. I make my way to my mum, who waits beside the car. Today is supposed to be a celebration of Laelia's and Estella's lives, but all I feel is the unbearable weight of my loss.

Later, I sit alone in the backyard, the bottle of whiskey my only company. The pain is constant, a gnawing reminder of what I've lost. Everyone is inside, sharing memories and trying to find solace in each other. I just want to escape, to numb the relentless ache.

I reach for another bottle of whiskey, determined to drown out the pain, but I'm met by Ethan's steady gaze. his eyes are filled with concern as he watches me.

"Ethan," I slur, feeling the weight of the alcohol beginning to fog my mind. "What's the point? I've lost everything."

"Killian," Ethan's voice is gentle but firm. "How many bottles is that?"

"None of your business," I mutter, taking another swig. I get up from the chair and head towards the back door, searching for more.

"You've had enough," he says, his voice cutting through my haze.

"And who's going to stop me?" I challenge, stumbling slightly.

"I will," he says resolutely.

"And why would you care?" I hiccup, the bitterness evident in my tone. "You haven't lost anyone."

"Because I care about you," he says, his voice laced with pain.

I turn to face him, my anger flaring. "You don't know what it's like! Don't you dare judge me!"

"I'm not judging you," Ethan responds, his voice breaking. "I'm trying to help you."

"Fuck off! I just buried the love of my life and my child!" I shout, tears streaming down my face.

"I know," Ethan says softly. "But this isn't what Laelia would want. She wouldn't want you to destroy yourself."

"How do you know what she would want?" My voice is raw, filled with anguish.

"Because she loved you," Ethan says, his voice cracking. "She wouldn't want to see you like this. You need to let this out, but not like this."

In my rage, I throw the bottle against the wall, and it shatters, sending shards across the patio and the grass. I swing at Ethan, my fists driven by all the pain and guilt that has been consuming me. We tumble onto the grass, and I continue to hit him, my vision blurred by tears and fury.

"Fight back!" I scream, my voice breaking.

"No" Ethan gasps, blood staining his lips. "I'm not fighting you."

The sight of Ethan's battered face, the blood, and the look of resignation in his eyes pulls me back to reality. My mum's voice cuts through my haze, and I realise how far I've gone. Jasper and Lloyd intervene, pulling me off Ethan. I drop to my knees, overwhelmed by guilt and sorrow.

"I'm so sorry," I sob, tears mingling with dirt on my face. Ethan is bruised and blooded, but he sits there, his eyes full of compassion.

"You don't need to apologise," he says, his voice strained but kind. "This was bound to happen. You needed to let it out."

"I hurt you," I cry, the reality of my actions hitting me hard.

Ethan's face is marred with injuries, but he manages a pained smile. "You got a few good punches in. Don't worry about it."

Through my sobs, I cling to him, my world shattered and broken. "She's gone," I wail. "She's gone."

"I know," Ethan whispers, holding me close. "But you have us. We'll get through this together. I love you, brother."

"I love you too," I choke out, the weight of his support and understanding wrapping around me like a lifeline.

The night drags on, but in Ethan's embrace, I find a small measure of solace. As I lean into him, the darkness feels a little less overwhelming, knowing that while Laelia and Estella are gone, I still have people who care about me. It's a fragile hope, but for now, it's enough to hold on to.