Chapter Ten

Mila

The minute Reed called Matt, everything fell into motion. They were coming here to see us. Our secret was out and my family planned a trip to Arizona. That was a few days ago and Reed has been tense ever since. I know it's not because of what we did but because so many people are going to be in his space soon. I do feel bad about that. I should have known that just telling them wasn't going to be enough. My mom and my sister would demand physical evidence.

To make things easier on Reed, I decided to change our location when they were close and asked them to meet us at a well-populated restaurant. It also provides maximum security where Reed can watch without actually being there. I don't believe my family would harm Reed, but I want them to hear my side of things before they try and place any responsibility on him. Then after we can talk with them together. I need them to understand I don't plan to leave. That this is how I plan to keep my family safe.

"I let them know where to meet you," Reed mumbles as he slides his car into a back alleyway and kills the engine. "Are you sure you want to do this alone?"

"Am I really alone though?"

"Never." He responds and his fingers twist with mine. "Any time you want me just tap on the table twice with your finger."

"It's just my family, Reed." I shake my head and squeeze his hand reassuringly. "It's going to be fine. They'll be here for a few days then we can get back to normal."

He nods, but I notice the way his jaw stays clenched. Reed walks me to the back door of the place and makes eye contact with the same man in a white apron as the past few times we've visited, and he lets me inside. With one last tight grip on my hand, Reed keeps walking and I follow the man, who I'm assuming is a cook, through the kitchen. I trust Reed and his instincts so parting with him here is okay. By now, I know the layout of the restaurant we're at. It is Reed's favorite because of his connections to a few of the employees. It's my favorite because the food is amazing and I already know I'll be wanting to take dessert home as well. Once in the main area, I request the same table I always do, on my favorite patio, and shoot my family a text, letting them know I'm already inside.

The place is busy with people and live music can be heard from across the other side of the restaurant where the larger bar is at. I keep my eyes on my surroundings and locate all the nearest exits, just as I've been taught and trained for all my life. Reed has even told me I could escape from the rooftop patio if I needed to and we discussed the way I would need to land not to hurt myself. I feel prepared for an emergency exit even while I tell myself it's unnecessary. I can't imagine my family being cruel, but I also know on some level that they are going to be angry with my lies and that I ran from them. Anxiety swirls in my stomach and my chest tightens with worry. Now that I'm away from Reed the confidence I felt earlier is ebbing away. I want this to go well.

I feel them before I see them. My mom's strength and warmth fill the room and my eyes search her out. Her head bobs ahead of everyone else with Saylor close behind. Matt, Silas and Ciaran are not far behind, but I see them taking their time, scoping out the place and doing their own kind of security check.

I stand and reach for my mom at the same time her arms wrap around me. Saylor cocoons us both and soon we're all crying. I missed them. I may not regret coming here, but I do miss my family. They both release me and my eyes collide with the forestry green of my stepbrother's. I open my arms, inviting him in, knowing he needs to feel included in these moments after spending so many years without family love and siblings.

"You're standing," he says, and I nod. I hear an audible gasp from my mom, as if she hadn't even noticed before tackling me. Silas gingerly pulls me into his chest, giving me a huge brotherly hug and I can feel the rapid beat of his heart in his chest. I squeeze him harder.

"Mi?" Saylor has tears in her eyes again, clutching her folded hands to her chest.

I peek out of Silas's arms, a small smile pulling my lips. "I will explain everything." I know they want answers and I'm ready to talk.

Silas lets me go, and we all make our way to sit down. Ciaran passes next to me and gives me a side hug before I sit. "Good to see you too, Ci."

He nods and winks before taking an empty seat. He doesn't sit next to my sister though and confusion swirls in my eyes while I glance between them. Saylor looks at the table while Ciaran gives me a discreet shake of his head. I'll let it go for now, but I'm worried. Usually those two are sickeningly inseparable.

"Please tell us what's going on, Mila," my mom starts. "I can see you aren't exactly being held hostage."

"When did you start walking?" Silas jumps in.

Laughing, I hold up my hands, hoping to get a reprieve. All the questions are already getting to me. "I promise we will talk about everything, but can we also order. I'm starving."

Right on cue, a waitress stops by to take our drink orders. A few people also order food, and we small-talk until the food comes and we know we have some privacy again.

Feeling braver with some food in my stomach, I take a drink of my water before placing my napkin down. I glance at everyone at the table, hoping they can see the love and care I have for all of them. They're my family and I know it will be okay once they accept where I'm coming from.

"Since that night in New York, before we came to Matt's, I've felt different. I didn't know how to explain it to anyone. It was just in the back of my mind. I should have been more bothered by what happened, or what I did. I tried everything you wanted me to do: therapy, medication, journaling, and all I came back to was that if I hadn't killed him, he would have done worse to us. I stopped having nightmares about that night once I accepted that. I wanted to tell you, Mom, but then the invasion happened, and I was shot." Mom reaches over and places her hand on my arm. The memory is painful for both of us.

"By the time I was aware of everything, and back in Minnesota with all of you, I had new hurdles to get past. I wasn't scared that I might never walk again; I was terrified I couldn't protect anyone if I couldn't. You all kept encouraging my PT and giving me the best access to resources, changing my room to make it easier, helping me with college applications, and getting a door with wheelchair access. I was appreciative, but there was still this voice in my head whispering that if I didn't push to do more, we all would die."

"Mila–" Saylor chokes up.

"Say." I glance at my sister and give her an encouraging smile. "I'm okay. I promise. I can't explain to you what living in my head is like though. It was just me and the voice. So I started doing more on my own. Then Reed caught me. I thought he would act like everyone else at first, but he didn't. He understood what was going on in my head. I think sometimes you all forget I was also there that summer when the bodies were being found." I laugh at the surprised looks on some of their faces. They always thought they hid things so well or that I didn't notice how secretive they were.

"We didn't forget," Silas groans, "I just thought we managed to shelter you enough."

"Not at all." I shake my head at him, and they all chuckle in response. "I knew everything. I also knew a few times before a body was found, that Reed would be gone the day before for a few hours. It didn't take me long to figure it out. I didn't say anything because I was intrigued. You all graduated and left, and for a while, it was me and Reed, before he left." I take a deep breath. "I made him keep talking to me. I hacked his system and bothered him until he wrote me back. The more we talked, the more I felt connected to him. I understand him, and he understands the darker parts of me that I was too scared to let you all see."

"Oh honey." Mom drops from her chair and pulls me into a hug. I wrap my arms around her while she cries and rub circles on her back, comforting her. "Mila, I would love you no matter what you said or did. I'm sorry you didn't think we would accept you."

"I didn't think you wouldn't accept me." I shake my head, helping my mom back into the chair. "I just knew you might not understand how I don't feel things. How in some ways I'm just like Reed. Granted, he's more out there than me, but he doesn't scare me. His work for our family doesn't repulse or ruin me. I know him, and he knows the real me."

"What are you saying, Mila?" Saylor tilts her head, squeezing my hand.

"I want to stay here in Arizona with Reed. And, I'm in love with him," I answer her, my gaze sweeping over all of them. I see their confusion, their hesitancy. The shock on my sister's face. The way Silas' eyes drop to the table. Except for Matt. It's almost as he expected it.

"You've both thought this through?" Matt asks. I nod silently.

"How does Reed feel?" Ciaran asks, his big brother voice coming out even while he fights to keep his face neutral. I know him better though. The icy look in his eyes is laced with worry.

"He can speak for himself, but we are thinking the same things," I answer both of them.

"Do we get to speak to him?"

I glance at Ciaran. "If you promise to be nice. Reed isn't holding me hostage here. I had to practically beg him to let me stay."

"How did you manage that, Mi," Saylor asks, her eyes narrowing in her sisterly way, assessing. She's reluctant to believe me, and once again I wonder what is happening between my sister and Ciaran for her to second-guess someone being in love.

"I told him the truth." I shrug. "He knows how I feel about him. He also knows that I do want to be part of Rogue, but in my own way. Our way."

"Do Rogue your way, huh?" Ciaran laughs softly, but it lacks his usual warmth.

"Yeah." I glance at him. "I'm Rogue because of you guys. But sitting in a classroom, not really knowing what I want to do with my life, or how I can turn that into something for Rogue, seemed like a waste of time. I know what I can do. I have a special skill set and mentality. If it's all in the name of good, then I think it's the best option for me."

I glance around the table and see Ciaran, Silas and Matt all nod at each other. My mom is watching with tears in her eyes, but at least she is giving me a smile. Just my sister still looks skeptical and I don't miss the side-eye she gives Ciaran. Something is up with them and I make a note to ask her about it later.

"I'm still curious about the walking," Silas uses his fork to point at my legs.

I falter for the first time, recalling how some aspects of my plan were more difficult than others. There were years and months of grueling work and strength that my body had to relearn. If I wasn't teaching myself computer programming and how to hack Reed, then I was putting myself through pain learning to use my legs again.

"It was hard work. You all knew what the doctors said. I worked twice as hard on my own time, when everyone left. I hid it from you and from my physical therapist. There was some pain at first, and a few times I gave up. I know I'm lucky. I know this isn't common." I glance at them all again, letting the guilt I've been feeling over the past few years leak into my eyes.

My mom places a hand over her heart. "Mila, we never thought of your prognosis as a barrier. I just wish I could have been there to help you while you went through all the work and the pain to get to where you are."

I grab for her hand again, my lips tilting up into the reassuring smile I know she needs. "It wasn't that painful. It should have been, but it was like my mind blocked the pain. I wanted to tell you. I think on some level I thought if I didn't, it would make it easier to slip away. You wouldn't be looking for me walking away. I already had my plan set."

We manage to finish our food when Matt receives a text. I can only guess who it's from when my own phone vibrates once in my lap. Reed must be ready to call them away. Sure enough, a few minutes later we're heading to Reed's home, where the guys drop us girls off before making an excuse to go check out Reed's shop. My mom insists on another round of drinks and I find her some wine we stocked before they got here. She pops the cork and pours us all a healthy glass.

"How does Reed love?" Saylor surprises me by asking. I furrow my brow, trying to figure out what she means. "I'm not trying to belittle him, or your feelings. I am curious though. He's never expressed emotion around us. How do you know?"

My mom reaches over and pats my hand with hers. I give them a smile. "I can't explain it. He isn't overly affectionate. Sometimes he'll keep mission details from me. He didn't come back to the house for three days when he realized I put a tracker on him last time he was in Minnesota. He's calm when I want to argue. But it works for us. I realized that he might not kiss me every time he walks in the room, but when he wants me, it's the best love I've felt in my life. He hides details because they are the cases usually involving kids, and he knows those are the only cases where I do feel a flicker of something. He was mad about the tracker because he still thinks he isn't good enough for me. Which is why he also wants to let me win arguments even when I'm being a complete bitch. We just work. It's small things, but it's how I know he loves me too."

Saylor's eyes tear up. "You're going to live so far away from me."

I laugh softly and squeeze her hand. "You know you can always visit. And we'll be home too."

She turns to our mom who is watching us silently. "Mom, what are you thinking?"

"I want my girls to be happy. I'm sad you didn't think you could trust us, Mila, but I also understand at the same time. There isn't a perfect journey of love. As long as Reed makes you happy, I'll be okay." She sighs. "I'm terrified you'll get hurt out here, but that is the risk we all take in this life."

She gives Saylor a look that I can't decipher and I decide to give them a minute, sensing my sister isn't ready to explore her heart yet. "I'm going to get more wine," I say as I walk away.

A few minutes later, my sister isn't looking any better and my mom is still watching her like a hawk. I'll have to ask Reed if he knows anything. I'm sure I could pry it out of Saylor. I know her and Ciaran have been going around about getting married for months, but she's hesitant. I love Ci, he's already a brother to me. But I also know Say, and sometimes she has to hit the end of the barrel before her mind stops trying to control her heart. It's going to make so many things interesting when Reed figures out if we do need to work with New York. Then I believe fireworks really will go off.