Chapter 5

5

One day you’ll believe me when I tell you there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.

Kira’s words echoed in my head over and over like a deafening chant. A hymn that haunted me. I needed her to hate me, blame me, find me guilty, thus reprehensible. I needed Kira Winters to feed my self-loathing and the woman fucking refused.

“Garrett?” Melissa’s soft voice pulled me from my thoughts.

Mellie.

The other woman in my life I needed to carry on despising me. Melissa was far more dangerous than Kira. She had the power to bring me to my knees, to make me look back over my life and see it for what it was—lonely, regrettable, and fucking miserable. And it was already that way before Finn Winters died. My life became meaningless when I left Mellie.

I trained, I honed the skills the Navy taught me. I deployed, I trained more, and throughout that I felt nothing. The only time I felt like I had a purpose was when I was on the battlefield. When I had a clear objective. When I was with my brothers hunting terrorists. Then I failed and fucked that up and was back to nothing.

It was during that time of nothingness, when I was at my lowest, when I needed Melissa the most, she’d reached out reminding me of everything I’d lost.

So I did the only thing I could and severed what was left of our connection. I was cruel, nasty, and brutal.

I didn’t think twice.

I didn’t hesitate.

I gutted her.

And in doing so I bound myself to a lifetime of misery.

Of loneliness.

Of regret.

Meaning I’d lied to my father when I told him Mellie and I were over, that I wasn’t living half a life, that her marriage to some twat wasn’t my business. The truth was we’d never be over, Mellie would always have my heart, be the other half of me. There was no breaking that kind of bond. The truth was I knew why she divorced her husband. I knew Melissa down to the very fabric that made her. I knew she would love me until her last breath the same as I would love her. So, yeah, fuck yeah, she divorced him because he was not me. Her ex could never give her what I could. No one would ever come close to giving either of us what we needed. Which was why, in the years since I’d left Melissa, I hadn’t tried. I would never marry, never have children, never spend more than a few nights with a woman.

Knowing all of that meant as ruthless and vicious as my email was, it didn’t sever shit; all I’d done was condemn Mellie to the same misery. And I’d done it purposefully because I was a motherfucker who needed her in the worst way but no longer deserved her.

“Garrett?” she called again, this time with concern injected in her tone.

Fucking hell, I needed to get my shit together.

“Cash will be here tomorrow. I’ll set him on Slater and Metzbower. He’s smart, he’ll get you what you need. Kira will continue to work her end from Maryland and if there’s anyone who can get Laurie to talk it’ll be her. In the meantime, you stand down and let them work.”

“Who’s Kira?”

Fuck.

“I work with her. Beyond that she’s none of your business.”

I watched her flinch, and I fought back my own.

“Is she your girlfriend?”

I don’t know which made my skin crawl worse, hearing the hurt in Mellie’s tone or hearing her ask if the woman whose brother I got killed was my girlfriend.

“No, she’s engaged to one of my teammates.”

“Then why do you look like…”

Melissa trailed off and I wasted no time filling the silence.

“Tell me about the custody arrangement.”

“What’s wrong?”

Fuck.

“Nothing’s wrong,” I lied. “When do your parents get the—”

“Don’t lie to me, Garrett. I know you. I know what I just saw. Who’s Kira? Why do you look like—”

“Not even ten minutes ago you said you didn’t know me.” Then for some insane reason I goaded her, “Which is it, Mellie?”

Something I forgot or likely suppressed along with all the other memories was that Melissa had an explosive temper. She was sweet and funny until she got mad. But once she sparked, she burned hot.

So it wasn’t surprising though it was unexpected when she reached to her left and yanked a throw pillow off the chair and chucked it at me.

“What the fuck?” I asked as I deflected the pillow.

Next came the remote off the coffee table. I missed that and the damn thing nailed my chest.

“Stop!” I grunted and stalked toward her.

She didn’t stop.

Mellie went on to chuck coasters at me. The problem with that was unlike the pillow and the remote those little motherfuckers were made out of stone and hurt like fuck as they hit. The last one glanced off my thigh way too damn close to my crotch, so it was purely out of protection I grabbed her hip and yanked her flush with my body.

“Goddamn, woman, stop!”

I watched up close as her shock registered. I felt each angry inhale brush against my chest. I saw the fire sparking in her eyes—eyes that had haunted my dreams for so long I couldn’t think back to time when I didn’t relive the devastation I’d wrought. Eyes that had once shone with love but now rightfully flashed with hate.

My grip on her hip tightened.

A whimper slipped from Melissa’s lips, igniting the flame that would ultimately be the most painful scar on my soul. I knew it would leave me ruined. I knew the guilt would eat at me. Yet, when her hands lifted, one going to my shoulder and the other to the back of my neck, I didn’t wait for her roll up to kiss me. I crushed my mouth on hers and slid my tongue inside. That first swipe was agonizing—a reminder of everything I’d lost.

If her whimper was the detonation, her sweet moan was the explosion that cleared my thoughts. No memories. No guilt. No regret, heartache, or hate.

Need.

Primal, instinctive, involuntary need to have her took over. My blood heated, my body vibrated, my tongue tasted it. Those feelings intensified when Mellie’s hands went to my belt and started working the buckle. They were exaggerated when she gave up unbuttoning my pants and broke the kiss, but only to undo her jeans and tear them down her legs. Her movements were jerky and ungraceful; I couldn’t say mine were any more coordinated as I finished undoing my pants. I tore her shirt over her head, tossed it aside, and didn’t bother removing her bra before I hoisted her up and she wrapped her legs around my hips. In three steps I had her back against the wall and my hand wrapped around my cock. I felt her slick heat and slid home.

Christ.

FuckingChrist.

Those beautiful fucking eyes flashed with hunger along with a healthy dose of anger. The combination was equal parts hot and maddening.

“Yes,” she hissed and slid a hand into my hair. On a yank she repeated, “Yes.”

Any control I had left—which was to say, very little—snapped. I shifted back, slammed in, and with an irrational urge I set about fucking away the fury.

“Harder, Garrett.”

Hearing her say my name fueled my rage. I wasn’t Garrett to her. I was honey, or sweetheart, or baby or any of the other silly names she’d called me.

Yet, I stupidly complied and gave her what she wanted; such was the way it had always been with her—I’d give her anything.

“Gar—”

I slammed my mouth on hers and fucked her harder—punishing, mercilessly unrelenting. I swallowed her groans, reveled in the feel of her wrapped around me, the warmth of her cunt as she came undone. I didn’t give her a moment’s reprieve until she bit my lip.

“Oh my God,” she gasped. “Holy…”

My vision hazed as her orgasm hit, leaving me absolutely incapable of stopping mine. Her head fell forward, she shoved her face against my neck, bared her teeth and clamped down—mouth and cunt.

“Fuck, baby,” I grunted.

Pain and pleasure mixed.

The irony wasn’t lost on me.

That was Mellie, the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

She was the cause of all my pain, yet she was the cure. Without her, I’d never be whole.

Melissa unwrapped her legs. My still-hard dick slipped out as I lost purchase and she shoved me back.

Reality set in.

Fucking shit.

“Mel—”

“Don’t say anything,” she snarled. “Not a fucking word.”

I winced as I tucked my dick in my pants—no condom.

Jesus.

What the fuck was I thinking?

That’s right, I wasn’t. I hadn’t thought past the fog of need.

“Mel—”

“Stop talking!” Another snarl.

Mellie snatched her clothes off the floor, covered herself the best she could and gave me my matching orders.

“Get out.”

“Not until we talk about what just happened.”

It was by sheer force of will I didn’t look away when I saw the tears form in her eyes. If there was something beyond regret that was what glimmered in her eyes.

“What’s there to talk about? We fucked. The end.”

Rage spiked fast and hard.

I had never, not one time, fucked Mellie. Rough, dirty, wild, absolutely. Fucked, never.

Except I had and I’d done it knowing when it was over, she’d hate me more than she already did.

“Did I hurt you?”

“Not the first time you’ve fucked me against a wall, Garrett.”

I took a breath, then another, then one more for good measure. I figured I could stand there for an eternity and take a thousand deep breaths and none of them would touch my irritation, so I gave up.

“Answer me, Melissa; did I hurt you?”

“No, you didn’t hurt me.”

Thank fuck.

“I shouldn’t—”

“Oh please,” she cut me a-fucking-gain. “Don’t be that asshole.”

“What asshole?”

“The one who starts a sentence with I shouldn’t have,” she huffed. “What you should or shouldn’t have done doesn’t matter. What happened, happened, because I asked for it. I wanted it so I took it. You could’ve said no. You could’ve pushed me away. You didn’t. I’m sorry if you now regret what we did but that’s not my problem. It’s yours. So do me a favor and go somewhere else and process your feelings elsewhere.”

She was full of shit.

The truth glistened wet in her eyes.

But being the asshole she accused me of being, I walked out the door.

And just because I knew there was a penance to pay, I stood outside her door until I heard it. Once I’d fully absorbed Melissa’s angry sob, I left.