Chapter 18

18

“I can drive.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Garrett said.

We were six hours into day two and I was bored.

I wanted to drive for no other reason than it would give me something to do.

“I’m not a bad driver.”

“Three fender benders say otherwise.”

Gah.

I shifted in my seat and took in Garrett’s profile. When I did, a memory hit me—Garrett backing out of my parents’ driveway the very first time I was allowed to drive with him. My father in one of the few fatherly demands he’d ever made had decreed Garrett had to wait a month after he got his license before I could be in a car he was driving. A month with no tickets, no accidents. That day I had turned in my seat so I could watch him drive. I remember thinking how lucky I was. The luckiest girl in school to be going out with the most popular boy. The luckiest girl in the world to have a boyfriend as good-looking as Garrett. He was sweet and told me he loved me every day. He made me feel safe to be me; no matter how I came, he loved me.

“Everyone has fender benders,” I returned.

“Most people don’t have three in one week.”

“I was sixteen,” I reminded him. “I haven’t been involved in an accident in over twenty years.”

“Tickets?”

Damn, he had me there.

“It’s not like you’ve never had a ticket, Garrett.”

“You wanna go there?” He chuckled.

“No.” I smiled.

“Bet you don’t,” he mumbled.

Suddenly I wanted to go there if only to remind him the incident hadn’t been my fault—at least not entirely.

“You could’ve said no.”

“Baby, I was a seventeen-year-old boy. No seventeen-year-old boy turns down highway head. He thanks the universe his girl’s adventurous and he lets her explore. When that boy’s girl is good with her mouth, he happily unbuttons his pants and prays he doesn’t crash. You were not only good with your mouth, you were fucking phenomenal. So when you asked if you could give me head on the way to the movies there was zero chance I was going to turn down a blowjob.”

Well, that backfired.

Kind of.

With my face flaming red I looked out the windshield but glanced back when I felt Garrett’s eyes on me.

They were dancing with humor and an old and familiar buzz washed over me. I didn’t have to ask him why he looked amused—I knew. Same as he knew I’d blush.

“Not lying about that, Mellie.”

“Lying about what?”

“Your mouth. Then and now, best head I ever got.”

Ouch.

That stole the happy buzz.

It was difficult to tamp down the irrational jealousy when I snapped, “Seeing as you were my first and taught me, I guess you would like my mouth.”

“Best kiss, too.”

That was no less painful to hear.

“Best lay, bar none.”

I did not want to hear this.

“You can stop now.”

“Best I’ve ever had.”

I wasn’t going to admit that he, too, was the best I’d ever had. I also wasn’t going to tell him that him being my first everything and ruined me for other men. My first lover after Garrett I ended up marrying. The sex wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great. Just like everything else about my marriage it had been lukewarm. And since my divorce I’d taken two lovers and neither of them did much of anything for me. That meant I’d had four men. Four. And before angry wall sex with Garrett it had been years since I’d been with anyone. I didn’t want to know but I’d bet Garrett had had more than four women.

Why did that thought make my stomach queasy?

Moving on.

“Tell me about your team,” I suggested.

Garrett chuckled at my swift conversation change.

But thankfully he humored me.

“I work with four teams.”

“Four?”

“Company I work for is separated into four teams: Red, Gold, Blue, and Silver.”

I settled back in the seat and asked, “Who’s your closest bud?”

“All of them.”

“No, I mean your best friend. The one you’re closest to.”

“All of them.”

I turned to look at him again in profile. His left hand was gripping the bottom of the steering wheel, his right elbow resting on the center console, hand dangling loosely over the edge. Totally relaxed. No signs he was blowing smoke because he didn’t want to answer.

“Seriously?”

“Yep. Close with all of them. Got five men and one woman on Red. Five men on Gold. And five on Blue. Though, Cooper Cain is the newest addition to Blue; can’t say I’m as close to him as the rest but that’s only because of time and history. And Declan was on Gold but he retired. Him and his wife moved to California so I can’t say I’m as close to him as I once was, but we’re close.”

“A woman?”

“What would the sisterhood think if they knew you sounded so shocked a woman was a mercenary,” he teased.

“I’m not shocked, jerk. I’m impressed. And is that what you are, a mercenary?”

There was a beat of silence that grew to several and I wondered if I crossed into off-limits territory. I had to admit that would be disappointing.

“I’m an intel specialist for a company that provides protection in all the ways it can be provided.”

Well, that was clear as mud.

“I don’t know what that means.”

“I gather the intel the teams need to carry out their operations. Whatever those may be. Maritime security, hostage rescue, personal protection, if something or someone needs protecting, we can do it. If someone or something needs to be found, I can find them.”

That sounded interesting. Dangerous, but interesting.

“Why’d you leave the Navy?”

His right hand dangling over the console balled into a fist. The easy-going vibe in the car went muggy and thick. I took a chance and glanced at Garrett’s profile even though I knew what I’d find—clenched jaw, muscle jumping in his cheek.

“You know why.”

“No I don’t. The story I heard was it was your choice to leave, that the medical board cleared you, but you opted out.”

I waited for him to remind me that stories around Blackhawk were just that, stories, and most of them might’ve been based on the truth, but by the time they made the rounds the truth was very hard to find.

That rebuke didn’t come but a version of it did.

“I could see how people would think it was my choice to leave the teams but it’s not really a choice when the option is to stay in knowing you can potentially get someone killed.”

I didn’t understand that at all.

“How could you get someone killed?”

“Baby, the man next to me has to trust that when shit hits the fan—and it always does—I have his back. Not only that but I can keep up. If something happens and I got a teammate down, that man has to trust I can carry him to safety. Can’t do that with a jacked-up leg. The choice was, I went back on rotation before I felt comfortable, or I took the med board and got out. I took the option I could live with.”

“But I heard you went back out. I mean, after the explosion. That you kept deploying.”

That question got me three consecutive jaw clenches.

“You don’t have to talk about it.”

“My dad tell you that?”

He didn’t sound mad, just curious, but still I didn’t want him miffed at his dad for something he didn’t do so I gave him the truth.

“No. With the exception of telling me about you getting hurt and then telling me you were safe and recovering they never talked to me about you. They understand it was already hard enough for me to go to their house for dinner. I have a lot of memories in that house. I practically grew up there as much as I grew up at my parents’. There are pictures of you all over the place. So they didn’t want to add to my pain.”

“Baby.”

I ignored his sweet acknowledgment and went on, “But that didn’t stop the people around town from telling me all about what you were doing. So over the years I heard a lot. I figured less than half was true, at least I’d hoped that was the case because a lot of it was scary. But that was where I heard you were back overseas.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of the next stretch of silence other than to know it was heavy and uncomfortable. So uncomfortable I couldn’t stop myself from squirming in the seat. It was on the tip of my tongue to switch topics. I was willing to hear all about all the women Garrett had over the years if it meant the pain filling the car would evaporate.

“After surgeries and rehab I went to work for the CIA.”

His admission barreled into my chest, stealing my breath.

“The CIA,” I whispered.

“Not as a field operator. I worked within the Special Operations Group. The agency has their own military support and that’s what I did. As did Cash, Smith, Jonas, and Easton.”

“But not Kira’s brother?” I chanced asking.

“No, he was in the Army 1st SFOD-D. His unit was caught in an ambush, he was taken prisoner. Intel suggested my GB team was closest for a rescue, so we were called in.”

“What’s 1st SFOD-D and GB?”

I watched Garrett’s lips twitch, though I only saw one side pull up when he smiled.

“1st Special Forces Operations Detachment Delta.”

“Oh, he was in the Delta Force.”

“No, baby, and please don’t ever call Delta in front of the guys. That’d be like me telling someone I’m a Navy SEAL.”

“But you were.”

“I was. But if I were to tell someone I was in the teams, I’d say that. I’d never call Zane or Linc a Navy SEAL, I’d say they’re team guys.”

I wasn’t sure why that mattered but it seemed pretty important, so I filed it away in case I ever met Zane or Linc.

“And GB?”

“Ground Branch. We were CIA Ground Branch.”

Since he was still willing to answer questions, I continued.

“Who’s Zane and Linc?”

“Curious kitten,” he mumbled.

“I guess that’s better than nosy pussy,” I shot back.

And to my delight his laughter filled the air, pressing back all the noxious pain that had surrounded us moments before.

“Funniest woman I’ve ever known.”

I’d take that.

“Well? Zane. Linc.”

“Zane’s my boss, he owns Z Corps. Linc is his brother. Both former SEALs. Great men. Linc’s married to Jasmin, the only woman on any of the teams.”

“Are all your teammates married?”

“My turn,” he said, “Tell me about your ex-husband.”

Dread filled my stomach.

“What about him?”

“How’d you meet him?”

Oh God, did he really want to do this?

“Why?”

“Is there a reason you don’t want to talk about him?”

Yes, about a million of them.

“He’s just not someone I like thinking about.”

Understatement with a capital U with five bold lines underlining the awkwardness of this conversation.

“He hurt you?”

Crap.

“We hurt each other.”

This time the silence belonged to me until I remembered how forthcoming he’d been with me and the honesty he’d given even though he struggled to think about Finn and his team.

Crap. Crap. Shit.

I had to do this.

It was only fair.

“Back then, I worked as an office manager for a construction company. Charlie was a finish carpenter. It took about three months of us chatting when he came in to pick up his checks before he asked me out.”

I stared out the window trying to gather my thoughts. Never in a million years did I ever think I’d be sitting next to Garrett telling him about my ex.

“How much do you know about my marriage?”

“Just what you said the other night.” There was a pause before he finished, “And my father might’ve implied I was the cause of the end of your marriage.”

Dave would think that. To him, everything in my life revolved around Garrett.

“We divorced because he cheated on me. But before that I was cheating on him so I didn’t blame him for doing it to me,” I admitted.

“Come again?”

“When I met him, I was still in love with you. I liked him. I respected him. We had a good time together. I thought that I’d grow to love him. I thought that after we were married and our lives began I would magically just…I don’t know, fall in love with my husband. That didn’t happen. I couldn’t fall out of love with you. So I was essentially cheating on him with you—”

“No, Mellie. That’s not cheating. And before you say it that’s not emotional cheating or whatever that’s called. That doesn’t give your husband the right to fuck a woman that is not you. That’s a weak, bullshit excuse.”

I kept my eyes trained out the window, hating talking about this.

“You don’t get it. He couldn’t escape you. You know in Blackhawk you’re larger than life. You’re talked about all the time. Everyone thought it would be Mellie and Garrett forever. He moved to Blackhawk from Utah. He had no idea there was a Mellie and Garrett until after we were dating. I knew it bothered him when people would tell me about you in front of him. I tried to stop it, but…you know how it is.”

“Then, Melissa, he shouldn’t have given you his ring if it bothered him. He shouldn’t have committed himself and his life to you if he couldn’t hack you had a past.”

Of course, Garrett would never understand because he was Garrett. He would never have to live in another man’s shadow.

I looked down at my hands clasped in my lap, my gaze catching on my bare ring finger. A finger that at one time was adorned with a platinum eternity band. It had been the happiest day of my life when Garrett had slipped that ring on my finger and the worst day of my life when I’d taken it off and given it back to him. When Charlie had given me a yellow gold solitaire, I did not feel what I should’ve felt. I knew the butterflies in my stomach had been from nervousness not excitement. I knew I never should’ve accepted it.

“He’s not the bad guy in this story. And please don’t get me wrong, I cared deeply for him. He was a great friend. We had fun together. He just wasn’t you, so he wasn’t the man for me.”

“Melissa, he fucked around on you.”

“And I felt relief when I found out. I was relieved, Garrett, what does that say about me? I made him promises and even though what he did was wrong, so was I. We both were wrong. So we ended it. There was no big blow up, no emotional drama, and what does that say? A woman who loves her husband and finds out he’s been screwing around on her their whole marriage throws a—”

“I’m sorry, did you say your whole marriage?”

“Yes. Our whole marriage. Thankfully, to keep me from finding out he didn’t do it in town.”

“That’s totally fucked, Mellie.”

He wasn’t wrong. It was fucked. From start to finish and all the years between. My marriage had been one big lie.

“He still in town?” Garrett asked.

“He moved back to Utah.”

“I don’t think my dad knows he cheated on you,” he noted correctly.

“He doesn’t. You’re the only person I’ve ever told.”

I heard Garrett’s inhale, but I didn’t look up from my hands. I did this wondering if he was thinking the same thing I was—he knew all my childhood secrets and I’d just given him the only secret I had as an adult.