6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Locke

I n between my regularly scheduled streams and videos, I had been trying to puzzle out what else I could add to my repertoire. What could I do to step things up in preparation of the Play OUT Loud Awards?

I'd been brainstorming and researching, and I even looked back over the last few years to see what I'd done that had given me big boosts in viewership. Playing popular games always worked, squad games were consistently rated higher, and of course, my post-top surgery numbers were pretty great, but a lot of that was the surge of support to fight against the hate raids.

Playing popular games was something I did regularly, so that wasn't an area I could necessarily change. Squad streams…I already did those twice a week, but maybe I could introduce another day and work with different people. Coordinating times with multiple people was a challenge though. It took time and a lot of communication to set it up, which was why it was nice to have standing, consistent plans.

As for the post-surgery numbers, I couldn't simply produce a life-changing event out of thin air. Not that I would want to, it sounded like the skeeviest of skeevy ideas. To make up a false situation for ratings, that would likely get me banned for life. Also, it was just super gross.

Without knowing how much time I had, it didn't feel like there was much I could change, besides just increasing my volume. As it was, I already worked seven days a week. If it wasn't actively streaming, it was all the other stuff that went along with it.

A record ! Maybe I could pick a game to focus on and speed run it to hit a new record. Shit! Again, people spent weeks or months increasing their speed to make those top lists. All of this was plaguing me, and I still felt so isolated with it. Unless…I made inquiries to friends about content without explaining why I was looking to up the ante. I had no doubt they would all suggest taking my time and playing with a few ideas, because that's what I would suggest to someone else.

In the meantime, I kept up with my routine streams. With each one I did, I looked for Adam's username in the chats. It had been days since I'd seen it pop up. Since I'd gone to the diner and had the awkward Randy hunt situation. Had he heard that I came looking and was avoiding me?

The thought made me sad, sadder than it should. I didn't know the guy, but I hated to think I had run him off. Especially if he felt he could no longer watch or participate in my streams. Losing one viewer in the large scheme of things was barely a drop in the bucket, but if it was personal, because of something I did, I couldn't bear it.

On Sunday, I was doing a squad stream with DubDubMcStubbs and two others for his Zombie Zunday Stream. I knew Keith and Lauren, and we played together well enough, but they were closer with Stubbs than with me. As he was the one coordinating, he chose who he wanted to play with. Zombies were always a hit, and there was no shortage of FPS games to play. First person shooters were always a big draw with lots of bloodthirsty viewers.

Our combined stream meant we each brought a lot of our own viewers together, and the chatbox scrolled rapidly. My eyes would scan as quickly as possible before returning to the game, shooting and running, trying to stay alive. The goal of the game seemed easy—escape the warehouse—but the warehouse was huge and labyrinthian with traps and secret passageways and zombies crawling out of every surface.

I was cornered in the factory part of the warehouse with conveyor belts moving and deadly machinery chopping and crashing down.

"Suck a duck!" I exclaimed as I tried to calculate how to get out of there. Suddenly a chat message caught my eye. I thought I made it up for a brief moment, but there it was, scrolling higher as more messages popped up below it.

Keroppi_is_King: You got this Locke!

My heart leapt. He was back! I didn't scare him away. My attention returned to the game just in time to avoid getting hit by a zombie with a giant club hand. "Shit!" I ducked and slid under him, bringing my gun up and centered a shot right at his head. He was a big guy, though, and it took a few bullets to knock him down.

No longer trapped in the corner, I was able to move away from the machinery. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Keroppi," I said on the mic, trying to suppress a smile, as I worked to find the other players. I tried on occasion to call out or respond live to chatters, but it wasn't always easy with how quickly the chat moved.

I wanted to acknowledge him, to let him know I saw him, and hoped it was the opening I might need to reach out to him again. I really thought I'd blown it and hated to think of him being upset with me. The game was too intense and too much was happening to be able to take my fingers off the keys and send him a message.

We were playing at a high difficulty level, which meant more baddies who were a lot harder to kill. Even for us seasoned gamers, it was a challenge, but two hours later, we finally reached the objective and made it out. Cheers and bits flew across the screen, celebrating the dub—the win. Stubby chatted with all of us for a few minutes as we recapped some of the wildest and hardest parts of the game. The wrap-up was always fun for the viewers and a nice way to come back down, especially after frenzied gameplay, but I found myself anxious for it to be over.

As soon as we all did our sign-offs and thanked the viewers for watching, I left the stream and opened my inbox. The chat with Adam had gotten buried under all the other messages I had received, but I had looked at it enough, I knew exactly where to find it.

Hovering over his username with my mouse, I debated clicking on it. I was desperate to but didn't know if he would want me to. I thought he'd ghosted me. He hadn't yet. Maybe he didn't know I came looking for him. Well, if I did reach out and he didn't want to deal with me, he could simply not respond, and that would be answer enough.

Me: Hey.

Keroppi_is_King: Hey, Locke. Great game!

Me: Thanks, I was sweating there for a minute. But it made me happy to see your name. I haven't…seen it pop up for a while.

Adam: Oh? Were you looking for me?

In the game or in real life? Because…both. Not that I was ready to confess to it if he didn't know.

Me: No, not LOOKING-looking, just observing.

Adam: Observing? Hmmm. There's a lot of names in your chats and you happened to notice mine wasn't among them?

Me: Maybe.

Adam: That's pretty sweet, actually. It's nice to know my absence was noticed.

Me: Everything okay?

Adam: Yeah, just work and parents.

Me: Ok, that's good.

It was a huge relief to know that I wasn't the reason he'd disappeared and that he hadn't ghosted.

Adam: LOL. Well, you don't know my parents.

Me: Oh. So that's…bad then? I'm sorry.

Adam: Meh, it was unexpected and yet exactly what I expected with them. BUT…my night really turned around when I heard someone had been looking for me at Randy's.

Oh shit! So he did know. What did that mean? Well, it didn't scare him away so much he refused to talk to me. That must be a good sign.

Me: What did they say?

Adam: Well, not much, because they have a code of silence, but enough that I think I know who it was.

Me: Oh? And?

Adam: Someone who just slaughtered a bunch of zombies.

Me: Oh.

I was at a loss for words. As eager as I had been to talk to him again, now that he was right here in front of me…sort of…I wasn't sure what to do.

Adam: Yeah, that DubDubMcStubbs really came into Randy's with guns-a-blazing.

Me: Wait! What? No, it wasn't him, it was me!

Adam: Ha! I knew it!

Me: Fuck.

Adam: So, color me curious. Why were you looking for me?

Me: I don't know. I got some big news and I was hoping to find someone to share it with.

Adam: And you thought of me? Seriously? OMG, Locke, that is really sweet to hear. And, maybe a little random. I mean, I'm not complaining, I'm honored, but…why me?

Me: It's complicated and I actually can't really share anything.

Adam: So you were looking for me to tell me something you can't tell me?

Me: Pretty much sums it up.

Adam: Ok. Got it. I love me an international man of intrigue.

Me: Hahaha. I promise it's nothing that exciting. Well…actually…it kind of is.

Adam: Curiouser and curiouser.

Me: I didn't really go into Randy's with a plan, and it turned into a bit of a shitshow, but I'm glad at least it didn't scare you away.

Adam: Aww, were you worried about me, baby?

Fuck me! Why did seeing that simple word have such an effect on me? I didn't know how to respond, but my eyes stayed glued on that last word. My delay in responding must have made him nervous because he replied again before I could.

Adam: OMG, sorry, it just sort of slipped out. Just ignore that, ok?

Me: No, it's fine. I…don't mind it.

Adam: You…don't?

How did I say that seeing it stirred something in my belly, that I longed to see it again, to hear it, without sounding like a weirdo? Deflection, that was how.

Me: Why Keroppi?

Adam: Because Keroppi is the king of short kings, and he's the cutest little frog that ever frogged. Keroppi is best boy and all of the other Hello Kitty characters can suck it.

I chuckled and wished I could see his face as he animatedly talked about the cartoon frog.

Me: LMAO So…not a random name generator then?

Adam: GASP! No! Never! Besides, Keroppi holds a special place in my heart.

Me: Really? How so?

Adam: Hmm…that's a story for another day.

Me: Ok. I hope to hear it sometime.

Adam: Yeah? Really?

Me: Yeah. I'd like to keep in touch, if that's ok.

Adam: OMG, yes! Soooo completely ok! I was kind of hoping for that, but didn't want to impose, or be one of those creeper fans you don't need bothering you.

Me: You don't bother me.

Adam: A man of intrigue AND a smooth talker. What a guy!

Shaking my head, a laugh popped out of me. He was ridiculous, and I kinda loved it. Adam was the perfect break after a long few days of stress.

Me: Fucker.

Adam: Awww, such sweet words.

Me: Would you maybe want to connect somewhere else like Discord, not just here on Whisper chat?

Adam: Can't get enough of me already, huh?

Me: No, I just want you to be able to see when I'm flipping you off. Whispers are too limited for that.

Adam: LMAO If you want to, I am totally down for that. I use Instagram more, because I post for work sometimes. My username is the same.

I pulled out my phone and opened Instagram to my gamer profile. When I first started, I kept a separate personal account, but it became too much to keep up with both, so I dropped the personal one and lived fully on my professional profile. I shared personal things occasionally there but had to be more careful about what and where I posted when it came to real life stuff.

Adam's account popped up right away when I searched for it. I took a deep breath and blew it out. This was crossing a line I didn't typically cross when it came to fans. Adam felt like more than a fan though—at least I hoped he was. I hit the follow back button, because apparently, Adam already followed me. It shouldn't have been a surprise, but somehow it was surreal to think of this man that I'd met in real life, very briefly, who was such a fan that he followed me on multiple sites. It might have boosted the ego a little.

From his profile, I clicked on the message button and popped a middle finger sticker into the direct message.

Me: Slightly delayed.

Keroppi_is_King: (crying laughing emoji) Feel better now?

Me: So much.

Adam: Glad you were able to get that out of your system. Better out than in, they say.

Me: It's true.

Adam: So…now what?

Good question. The answer was…I had no idea, but at least we had an easier way to chat now.

Me: I should probably go. I've got some work to do. But I'm glad we did this.

Adam: Me, too. (smiling emoji)

Me: I don't want this to feel one-sided. I'm open to you reaching out, too. If you want to, but no pressure or anything.

Adam: Hell, yeah, definitely open to that. Just let me know if I bug you or if it's ever too much. I want to respect your time.

Me: Ok. And if you plan on ghosting me, can you maybe give me a heads up first?

Adam: LOL. That's cute, but I'm not sure you understand what ghosting means.

Me: I do, but I don't want to pester you if you are over it and want space.

Adam: Believe me, baby, space is the last thing I want.

I let out a contented sigh. Damn it, that freaking word again. I'd never been one for cutesy nicknames, but this one was doing it for me in ways I never expected, even if he meant it in a casual, friendly way.

Me: (smiling emoji) TTYL

It was such a simple interaction, but at the same time…not. The smile on my face remained as I began editing graphics. A few minutes chatting with Adam and I felt lighter than I had since Stubby first told me about the award. It wasn't that there weren't other fans that got over-excited with me, but something was different knowing it was him. Maybe it was because he wasn't just another faceless name on the internet. He was a living, breathing person that I'd met in real life before talking with him online. Or it could be that I hadn't talked to anyone in person in a while, and I needed that interaction.

I was generally fairly comfortable on my own. It helped me recharge after socializing online. It was one of the reasons I started playing video games. As much as my parents tried to encourage me to go out for sports or extracurricular activities when I was in school, I didn't have the energy or bandwidth for it. School had been taxing enough that by the time the day was done, I'd been more than ready to disappear into a game for a while and not have to talk to anyone. Gaming was a way to decompress. And hey, maybe a little harmless carnage as therapy, too. Nothing like obliterating an enemy after dealing with high school politics.

With my entire life revolving around gaming now, it was different. Some days were harder than others, and gaming was no longer where I went to decompress. Still, I preferred to be alone. Although, I found myself wanting to let Adam in. I just wasn't sure what it would look like or if things would progress.