Chapter Four

I snorted tea out of my nose.

“I'm sorry.” Odin cleared his throat. “Did you just say someone stole your snakes ?”

“Oh, this night just keeps getting better,” Re said as he sat down beside me. He looked to his left and said, “Hello, Horus.”

“Hello.” Horus grimaced at his great-great-whatever-grandfather. He glanced at his wife, Hekate (who happened to be wearing a snake necklace to go with her goth ensemble), and drawled, “Please, don't make jokes about Hermes's snakes.”

Meanwhile, I recovered enough to ask, “What snakes?”

“My snakes!” Hermes repeated and made a very obscene gesture with his hand, moving it up and down. “You know—the snakey thingy.”

“What is happening right now?” I whispered, my tea forgotten.

“I don't know, but I'm here for it,” Viper said. He grabbed a tea cake and popped it into his mouth, his stare locked on Hermes.

“Sorry, he's a little distraught,” Pan said.

Then Odin shocked everyone by saying, “Oh, fuck.”

We all looked at him, jaws dropping. Not that Odin didn't swear, but we all tried to be more creative in our cursing because of the children, and it had become such a habit that we did it even when they weren't around. And Odin hadn't been a man to drop a lot of F-bomb even before the children. It was completely unlike him to drop one now, just randomly. It was also unsettling.

“It's the Caduceus, isn't it?” Odin asked Hermes, ignoring the rest of us. “Someone took it?”

“Yes!” Hermes pointed at Odin. “That's what it's called. Son of a bitch! I've been trying to remember that name for hours.” He grimaced at his son. “You've been no help.”

“I'm Pan.” Pan waved at himself. “You can't talk to me about your snakes and expect me to think anything but naughty thoughts.”

“As opposed to happy thoughts,” I said.

“Naughty thoughts are always happy thoughts.” Pan winked at me.

“Caduceus!” Hermes roared. “I need it back.”

We all went silent.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Pan asked. “How did you forget the name of your most prized possession?”

“I don't know!” Hermes shouted.

“The staff is the source of his power,” Odin said. “It gave him speed and wisdom .”

“Are you saying my dad is now a moron?” Pan asked.

“Do I fucking sound like a moron, you little moron?” Hermes snarled.

“No, he's not a moron.” Odin set a hand on Hermes's chest to hold him back. “You're not a moron. You just don't have the wisdom of the Caduceus. And you probably grew reliant on it without realizing what you were doing. Also, I'm assuming that because your advanced intellect stemmed from the staff, its name was likely the first to leave you.”

“Fuck,” Hermes huffed and sat down at the table. “I need that staff. My brain feels fuzzy.” He looked over at me. “How do you live like this, Vervain?”

“What the fruit loops does that mean?” I growled. “At least I don't need a snake stick to think.”

Before Hermes could start arguing with me, Odin jumped in. “The Caduceus is a winged staff wreathed in serpents. And we're missing the bigger picture here.”

“The trickster,” Torrent said.

“Oh, shit,” his girlfriend Artemis hissed. “Really? I thought he was done screwing with us?”

“I think he may be done screwing with Vervain, but the other gods are now fair game,” Odin said. “He probably doesn't know about Hermes's connection to Vervain.”

“Because we have no connection,” Hermes said. “We know each other through Pan. That is all.”

“And you slung some mud at me through your newspaper,” I added.

“I have to report current events!”

“Not as you did. Gods started hunting me because they thought I didn't have any magic!”

“But I also helped you look for your daughter!”

“I know! That's why I'm here!”

“Can you two please stop shouting?” Blue, AKA Huitzilopochtli, the Aztec God of War, drawled. “You're hurting my wife's ears.

“ My ears, eh?” Eztli, Goddess of the Blood Moon, asked and smirked.

Blue winked a jade green eye at her.

They were a striking couple but so were the other couples sitting at the Mad Hatter's table. Gods were generally attractive. Generally. There were exceptions of course. Still, I had history with Blue—intimate, awkward, cruel history, some of which he didn't remember because we'd experienced it in an altered timeline when the God of Time was screwing with me.

A memory flashed through my mind—me bending over a coffee table in front of Blue to spread—nope! Can't go there. All I'm going to say is, thank goodness Blue didn't remember. I'd never be able to meet his stare again.

“Vervain, are you all right? You're looking a little flushed,” Thor said.

Everyone looked at me.

I cleared my throat and said, “Arguing always gets the blood pumping. Look, Hermes, I want to help you. Don't make me change my mind. And you sent for me, buddy.”

Hermes grimaced. “I sent for your team.” He waved limply at all of us, then slumped back in his chair. “But you are correct. I need your help, and I'm being a dick. I'm sorry.”

Shock made me nicer. “It's all right. I get it. Let's move on. If this is the work of the trickster, he may have an honorable reason for taking your staff.”

Hermes straightened instantly. “Honorable? How is stealing honorable?”

“Ah, ethics.” I shook my head. “I was never good at that.” I pointed at him when he started to open his mouth. “Do not insult me right when we're starting to get along.” When Hermes snapped his mouth shut, I went on. “My point is that it can get muddy. He's very clearly insane, but also . . . I don't know. I think he may be like one of those mad saints. All that trouble he put us through took us to a good place. It was one of those good-luck-bad-luck situations.”

“What is a good-luck-bad-luck situation?” Hermes asked.

“You know, when it looks bad at first, but then ends up being good,” Pan said. “Or the opposite.”

“I don't see how someone taking my snakes is going to benefit me.”

“Caduceus,” Odin supplied gently. Then he took a deep breath.

Everyone waited. When Odin had that pensive look, he was usually preparing to lay some wisdom on us. And he didn't need a smart stick to do it.

“We know the trickster has the Tablets of Jehovah, Katila's Pasha, the power of the Yamadutas of Naraka, and control of Naraka itself,” Odin said. “He also has the Fey Magic Condenser that can unite magic and his innate god magic, which we assume includes Confusion since he has used it on us.”

“And?” Brahma, the Hindu God of Knowledge, drawled as he flicked an imaginary piece of lint off his suit sleeve.

“And so we need to ask ourselves what the Caduceus brings to that mix. Why would the trickster want it? For what purpose?”

“Why wouldn't he want Speed and Wisdom?” Morpheus, the Greek God of Dreams, asked.

“Yes, those are good magics to have,” Teharon, the mohawk-less Mohawk God of Healing, said. “But Odin is asking what it adds to the power the trickster already has. ”

“Wisdom and Speed,” Thor murmured. Then he blinked. “Well, if he's going to keep stealing god treasure, those things will assuredly assist him.”

“So, you're saying that he stole the Caduceus so he can steal more shit?” Finn, a swanshifter, asked in his slight Irish accent.

I snorted. Then I saw Thor frowning at me and added, “Sorry, that wasn't directed at you. I was thinking that it would be just the sort of thing that crazy god would do. I mean, look at how he went about things with us. It was so complicated.”

“Because it was a game to him,” Trevor said.

“Exactly!” Odin smacked his hand down on the table and set the precarious arrangement of china and food to trembling.

“Are you going to tell us what that 'exactly' means or keep us in suspense forever?” Horus asked.

Odin shot Horus a look I normally gave the Egyptian God, then said, “I thought you'd be smart enough to figure it out, Horus. I apologize for giving you too much credit.”

“Oh, dang!” I exclaimed. “Ouch. Does your face hurt where he just orally bitch-slapped you?”

Horus's lips twitched before he said, “How are we supposed to deduce anything from a single word? And if he bitch-slapped me, he did the same to all of you simultaneously, since none of you know what he means either.”

I made a face, transferring it from Horus to Odin. “He's right. I don't know what you—hold on!” I sat up straighter. “I do know. You're saying that he's playing again. And we've played his game before.”

“That's my girl.” Odin grinned proudly and shot Horus a smug look before continuing. “And so? ”

“And so we know his tricks.” I blinked. “We know his style.” I stood up. “We need to put a notice out to the God Realm. Like now!” I looked at Hermes. “And you're the god who can do that.”

“What notice?” Hermes said as he rubbed his temple.

“You need to warn the gods to guard their magical items,” I said. “And to notify us if they're taken.”

Hermes grimaced. “I can do the first, but I don't know how many gods will want to seek help from the Godhunter.”

“He's right,” Thor said. “Tell them to notify you, Hermes. Then you can let us know. When they contact you, get as much information as you can about the theft, then ask if we can send people to investigate the scene.”

“You're going to trust Mr. Slow to remember all that?” Viper asked.

“Don't call my dad slow!” Pan snapped.

Hermes, who'd been about to defend himself, smiled at his son. “Thank you, Pan, but I've got this.” Then he looked at Viper and said, “Even without my snakes, I've got more brainpower than you, god-infant.”

“Nice one, Dad!” Pan exclaimed.

“Was it though?” Viper drawled. “God-infant? Really? That's the best you can do? That's pretty sad. If you want to consider my age, then all I've learned—without the help of magic snakes—far surpasses your capabilities in every way. And by the way, I don't need magic snakes because I am one.” Viper spread his arms and said, “I am the knowledge.”

“Holy shit,” Brahma whispered.

“Indeed,” Horus added, his eyes just as wide. “I don't believe I've ever heard you speak so well, Viper. You sound like an adult. An arrogant adult, but that's all of us.”

Viper grimaced. “Just because I like human slang, it doesn't mean I'm dumb.”

“Fair enough,” Thor said. “Now, can we stop insulting each other and actually do something productive?”

“Hermes,” I said pointedly. I was still standing.

He stood up. “Very well. I will send out the herald immediately. And I will . . .” He blinked and frowned.

“Have them contact you if something is stolen,” Pan supplied.

“Right. I will have the gods contact me, and I will take the information down.”

Pan sighed and stood up. “I think I'd better go with you, Dad.”

“I'm fine!” Hermes snapped. “I need you with your team, looking for my snakes.”

“Caduceus,” Pan said softly.

“Yes, that!” Hermes stormed out, knocking his shoulder into a mushroom stem as he went. He bounced off it, growled, and spun around to face us as if he'd meant to do that. “And what about investigating my territory? That's what you should be doing.” He motioned at me. “I need your noses.”

“If it's the trickster, we won't find a scent trail,” I said. “But that in itself will be damning.”

“Whatever,” Hermes huffed. “Are you coming?”

“Not tonight,” I said. “I've had a long day and you aren't in any danger. We'll visit you tomorrow. Make sure we can get through your ward.”

“Fine.” Hermes sighed, turned around again, and left a little calmer.