Chapter Sixteen

H e didn't sleep a wink. How could he when such thoughts chased around his mind, tormenting his every moment?

For a while he stood and watched Kitty sleep. Her face looked so young and untroubled. He would have stretched out beside her, enjoying the feel of her strong, warm body against his, but he hated the prospect of disturbing her. She had been so distressed; through exposure to the storm…and something more. Was it their previous intimacy that had caused her such anxiety?

He rubbed at his tired eyes, forcing himself to think back to the events that had taken place only that morning. Kitty had wanted his touch as much as he wanted hers, he was sure of it. He had not forced her. He ground his teeth at the very idea.

What then, had happened? Why had she turned from a confident young woman into someone so clearly distressed?

His eyes once again rested on her sleeping face. Had someone struck her? Been unkind to her? He knew Thomas had searched her room. Guy had been unable to think of a reason he should not, and to warn his manservant out of one specific chamber when orders had been given to search the entire castle would only cause suspicion.

He rubbed at the stubble on his cheeks and tried to settle on the three-legged stool where Kitty had perched earlier, but it was far too small for his long limbs.

He'd wanted to shield Kitty from gossip and suspicion. Even when the black rage had descended upon him, one thought had been clear and true in his mind: Protect Kitty. Ensure no one discovered what they had done. And once the matter of the stolen jewels was dealt with, he'd have returned to the more pressing task of finding a way for them to be together.

He jumped up from the stool, frustration swelling within him.

He shouldn't have become so fixated on the theft of the jewels. Should have kept his focus on Kitty. Instead, he'd become a frenzied fool, obsessed with enacting revenge. And why did revenge matter?

It didn't. Not when he had a good woman by his side. A castle to call home. Coin chests that were full to bursting.

"Never lower your guard," his father had said. It was the motto he'd been raised by. To sense hostility long before it arrived. To trust no one.

But his father had lived a lonely, angry life. What if he was wrong?

His hand clenched into a fist. Kitty had shown him the joy that could be found by letting in the light, but the darkness lived inside him, was as elemental to his life as the oxygen he breathed. And he didn't want to live in darkness, not anymore.

The first, pink rays of morning light were casting a tentative, rosy glow through the half-door of the stables. Guy had promised to wake Kitty at sunrise, but they had a short while left to them still. She looked so peaceful. He didn't want to wake her, not just yet.

By waking her, he risked losing her all over again.

He must find the right words to explain himself. To promise that never again would he allow a dark rage to consume him.

Could he make such a promise? No, but he could promise to turn over a new leaf. To be more humble, more trusting, less inclined to look for the worst in people.

Seized by a surge of energy, he walked out into the dawn, alive with hope for a future he'd never dared to believe could be his. One filled with, dare he think it, love?

Could it be true that a woman as lovely as Kitty might feel the same way about him?

Guy strode into the outer courtyard. The early morning air had been washed clean by the storm. Everything smelled fresh and newly alive. His boots splashed through puddles of rainwater as his eyes roamed automatically over the castle ramparts, looking for damage. He stopped, hands on his hips, and swivelled around. The walls were high and unbroken, despite the ceaseless assault from both the skies and the waves. He pursed his lips, unable to believe in such good fortune.

Maybe his luck was finally changing?

The first musical notes of birdsong floated high overhead and Guy felt his lips stretch into a smile. New life, new hope, was all around him.

He must wake Kitty now. Wake her up and profess his true feelings for her.

He spun around, ready to stride back towards the stable yard, when his attention was caught by something on the ground. A white body, splashed with red. He looked closer and grimaced when he realised he was looking at a gull with a broken neck. It must have become caught up in the storm and dashed against the ramparts by the strong winds.

He reached out with the toe of his boot and gently prodded the creature, checking for any signs of life, but it didn't stir. He'd have one of the stableboys remove it.

A muscle twitched in his jaw. He must wake Kitty and talk to her properly before they arrived.

She was still sleeping when he returned. Once more, he felt reluctant to disturb such peaceful repose, but she would be mortified if anyone discovered her.

He cleared his throat. "Kitty," he whispered, shaking her shoulder very gently.

She opened her eyes, blinked and sat up in a rush when she realised where she was. The blanket fell away, revealing a chemise so sheer that the pink of her skin showed through the thin fabric.

Guy averted his gaze politely. "I'm sorry to wake you, but it is sunrise," he addressed a nearby horse.

Kitty pulled the blanket more securely over her shoulders. "Thank you, my lord."

Her words sent a chill through him. "Not ‘my lord,'" he corrected her. "Please, don't address me as such, Kitty. We know each other better than that." Her cheeks flamed red, and he regretted his choice of words. "Allow me to fetch your dress," he muttered.

He had hung it over a stable door to dry last night. The fabric was still damp, but it would suffice to wear back to the keep. He gripped the woollen garment tightly, breathing in the scent of lavender. He couldn't let her dress now. If he turned his back, the moment would be lost.

"May I speak with you?" The words came out more forcefully than he'd intended. She took half a step backwards. Where had this fearful reserve sprung from?

From his own actions. His shouting. His anger at being stolen from once again.

He shook his head to dislodge the remorse. He couldn't undo yesterday's rage. He could only hope to tread a new path, today.

"As you wish." She hung her head so her beautiful auburn hair fell forwards, obscuring her face.

He would like to look into her sea-green eyes when he told her how he felt. Instead, he gripped his hands together and shuffled his feet like an anxious youth.

"Katherine," He tried out her true name, liking the way it rolled off his tongue and wishing to conjure the warmth and connection they had shared just yesterday. But then he faltered. How could he proceed? "I am falling in love with you," he blurted out. He clamped his lips together, unaccustomed to the sudden vulnerability which accosted him. But despite the tingle of nerves which made his pulse pound and his breath catch in his throat, he didn't regret telling her the truth.

He expected her to look up, to show some surprise. But Kitty shrank further back into the shadows of the store room as if his declaration had filled her with dread.

"What is it?" he demanded. "What's wrong?"

She put shaking hands to the sides of her head, swaying as if at any moment she might fall. "Nothing is wrong, my lord. How could it be? It is only that a girl like me doesn't deserve the regard of an earl."

"Nonsense." Anger surged in his veins. Anger which, just moments ago, he had vowed to leave behind him. "Haven't I shown you already how high my regard is for you?"

"In so many ways," she sobbed.

"It is I who am not worthy of you." The realisation seeped through him. Kitty was beautiful, wise and strong. She would have many suitors. Mayhap she was even fleeing one when she came here. He was older than her and scarred to boot. Had he been na?ve to imagine that one so young and lovely could care for a body so battered and bruised as his?

"No," she shook her head staunchly. "Not that."

He was right. The truth was written all over her. He had made a fool of himself.

"Here." He flung the dress towards her. "I will detain you no longer."

But instead of travelling through the air towards Kitty, the gown slumped to the floor and clattered on the cobblestones. Kitty gasped and held herself rigid, her eyes half closed in new despair.

What was this?

He snatched the dress from the floor. It was heavy in his hands, too heavy. How had he not observed this before?

"Don't." Her eyes were fixed on his now, wide open and pleading. "Please."

"Don't what?" He was confused, embarrassed, but far beyond him shimmered a truth that he wasn't yet ready to accept. "What's inside the dress, Kitty?"

Let it be nothing. Let her explain it away , he prayed silently.

She shook her head. "It isn't what you think."

Why then was she acting so strangely? Afraid of him, like a thief about to be found out.

His hands wrestled with the dress, encountering hard objects sewn into the lining. He looked more closely at the uneven hem, fingering the bulges inside it. Something sharp pricked against his finger.

"Damnation, Kitty." His voice was low, his spirit broken. "Tell me it is not you who stole from me."

She stood straighter now, her green eyes burning with conviction. "It was not I who stole," she shot back. "'Twas you who accepted something that did not belong to you."

With trembling hands, he ripped open the hem. Out fell the Answick jewels, sparkling with rich, vibrant colours against the dull grey of the cobbles. They both looked silently down upon them. At their undeniable reality.

"It was you." He said the words, but he still didn't believe them. A shiver of shock pulsated through his veins, and he folded his arms against the sudden chill. Time slowed down as he tried to fit this new detail into the complex tapestry of their burgeoning relationship.

She put a hand to her face and he saw, distantly, that tears were flowing down her cheeks. "I didn't want you to find out like this," she sobbed. "I was going to tell you."

His hand clenched her torn dress so hard his knuckles turned white. "Was this your plan all along then?"

She looked him in the eye. "Yes."

Her answer sliced him through like a knife. "Why?" he floundered. "What wrong did I ever do you, for you to repay me so?"

She hugged her arms around her chest. The blanket had long since dropped to the floor but neither of them cared. It lay on the stone cobbles next to the jewels. "It was not like that," she said hesitantly. "Once I got to know you, everything changed."

"Yet still, you stole." Anger burned through his disbelief. He remembered his thoughts upon encountering her for the first time on the causeway. How Kitty conducted herself like a lady, not a servant. "Are you some bastard child of my uncle's, come here to claim your inheritance?" Revulsion swirled in his stomach.

"No." She shook her head vehemently. "Please, Guy, I can explain." She took a step forwards, then retreated again when she saw the anger in his eyes.

Anger which he should rein in. But his loss was too great. Everything he had started to believe in had been built on lies. Everything he'd been daring to reach for, was but a mirage.

"You told me once that you were seeking the daughter of a man named Owain." She clutched at her stomach as if her confession was causing her actual pain. For a moment, he wrestled with the urge to offer her comfort, but he chased it away.

You have been made a fool of already.

He ran a hand through his dishevelled hair, trying to keep his temper in check. "I was."

"I am that daughter." She stared at the floor, not at the jewels, but at a patch of hay. "I am the woman you were looking for."

Her words made no sense to him. "Then why did you not say?"

She looked up in shock. "Is that not obvious? How could I stand the shame?"

"You lied to me about your past. I asked you several times."

"Because I could not admit the truth." She hung back in the shadows. "My own father gambled me away."

It was a shock to hear her say the words out loud. So she had known of the sordid details of their wager all along? Just hours earlier, this realization would have rocked him, but now it changed nothing.

"We do not carry the sins of our fathers," Guy growled. "We forge our own paths. And yours was forged with deceit."

Something like anger blazed in her eyes. "That is easy enough for a man to say. Less so for a woman, who can be passed around like a mule." She clasped her hands together. "Every day I longed to tell you the truth. But the jewels, you see, are truly mine." Her voice shook with undeniable sincerity, but her words were like fine rain on the surface of a deep lake. They did not permeate.

"If you wanted jewels, I would have given you jewels." Guy forced the words out, though the truth of it sickened him. He would have given her everything, all that he had and more besides.

"They are not for me, they are for my sister," she cried.

Guy motioned her protests away. "At any point, you could have told me who you really were." He spoke slowly, thinking aloud. "I would have handed over the Answick jewels in a heartbeat. I didn't even want them. I tried to return them twice."

She blanched at his words and her eyes flared with understanding. " That's why you went to Shoreston? I heard of your visit. No one dared to open the door to you."

"Because of who I am?" Shame crawled up his insides as he remembered that dreadful night at the grubby alehouse.

"They don't know you." Her face crumpled with grief. "They only know your uncle, and your family's reputation."

"And they could not see past that." He paused to take a deep, ragged breath. "Nor could you. Not even after yesterday and all that passed between us."

His knees felt weak, as if his legs might give way at any moment. He had dared to believe that what he and Kitty had was real, something solid to be built upon.

"I was wrong." She ventured closer towards him. "Believe me, I know that now."

"But it is too late."

"It isn't." She put her hands to her heart. "Please don't say that."

He looked at her as if for the first time. "You aren't even a serving girl. You are from a titled family, descended from the Duke of Answick."

She stood her ground. "I have worked hard every day since my mother passed away. See?" She showed him her reddened hands.

He took hold of her fingers, holding her flesh against his for one last time. "One truth, amidst so many lies."

"I wanted only to provide a better future for my sister," she whispered.

Her defence was reaching him, slowly. He could well understand that urge to protect a younger sibling.

"I would have given your sister anything you wanted," he said, honestly.

"I couldn't be sure."

Something snapped inside him. Kitty's protective instincts for her family were admirable, and he could not begrudge them. But nor could he hope for a life with her, when she lived her life for another. Not when the bond of trust between them, so newly formed, was irreparably shattered.

Without trust, their relationship had no foundation.

"Do you always put her first?"

She nodded, slightly but emphatically.

He released her hand. "Take the jewels," he said. "They are rightfully yours. They always were."

Her eyes dropped to the floor and then shot back up towards him. Would she fight for him? Would she push through his defences once again, like she had so many times before?

Yet, for all the time he'd known her, she'd wanted only to get her hands on the jewels, for her sister.

He turned away, unable to look at her.

"Guy?"

He stood with his back to her, gazing out unseeingly at the sunrise.

"Low tide is upon us," he stated. "You can cross safely back to the mainland. Take a horse if you wish. Take anything. But please, don't ever return."